The Peeping Fox
by Etc Flip
Summary: A chance encounter between a hermit and a prankster ends up changing Naruto's life. Rather than growing up alone, our favorite blond hero ends up being raised by Jiraiya, his godfather! Ladies beware! The peeping fox has come to stare! R/R.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Like this hasn't been done before... Naruto raised by Jiraiya, guys. Warning: This will have crack-ish humor. I wanted to upload this on Naruto's birthday... which is today I think.  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

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Chapter One

A young, blond-haired child ran through the streets, giggling to himself furiously as he attempted to evade the pissed-off shopkeeper. Nobody ignores Naruto Uzumaki! Nobody!

Ordinarily, Naruto would've puffed his chest out in a poor display of masculinity... but he was only five. He'd be starting the ninja academy pretty soon though and then everybody would have to acknowledge his existence! He'd be Hokage eventually!

People just seemed to ignore him for some odd reason. He never really thought about why, just that they _were_ ignoring him, up until he pranked their sorry asses.

The old man always did tell him he was a bundle of trouble to everyone around him. That's what Naruto Uzumaki prided himself on: being an incredibly annoying bundle of trouble. That's what garnered the most attention, after all.

Still, he figured that some of his pranks might have gone too far... like when he planted cockroaches in that one man's shop. The guy had to have his only source of income shut down and was forced to live a tough life for a few months.

That would've made him feel guilty, but Naruto was too much of a happy-go-lucky guy to really care or notice. He'd been living a difficult life for over a year! Instant ramen and those weird packs the Hokage made him mix with his noodles were delicious enough to sustain him, though.

At least he felt more suited to being a ninja than the other children he had seen running around. How many of them lived alone, huh? He could take care of himself all on his own. He didn't need a caretaker to feed him.

Of course, his ability to do so was primarily centered on the stipend the old man gave him... but those were just useless trivialities. Naruto Uzumaki was more responsible than people thought.

Glancing quickly over his shoulder, Naruto paled a shade when he realized that the angry shopkeeper was still tailing him. Somehow, the blond had missed the loud screaming from the man. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have dumped itching powder onto the meats the man was selling.

Then again, the man did always sneer at him, ignore him, and refuse to sell him some of that delicious-looking meat. Naruto mentally nodded to himself; the man got what he deserved.

Although, the blond would get what he deserved if the man didn't lay off. He'd probably get taken to the Hokage again or maybe even forced to clean the mess he had made.

Once more, Naruto looked behind him. The shopkeeper was gaining on him! Where were those cool masked guys when he needed them? Their ninja skills could've helped him immediately!

In truth, the ANBU were simply watching Naruto run. They would intervene if things got out of hand, but they all knew Naruto had some uncanny ability that he used to evade almost everyone that tried to catch him.

The general consensus of the observing ANBU was that watching someone else chase Naruto was funnier than chasing him themselves.

Seriously, it hurt their pride when a boy younger than many of their own siblings could evade them with ease.

The blond ducked into an alley and began hopping up dumpsters. The man skidded to a halt and entered the alleyway, glaring at Naruto gleefully. "Nowhere to run now, you annoying pest-" The man ducked as a banana peel was thrown at his head. "Stop that!" he screamed angrily.

Naruto turned around, pulled his eyelid down and stuck a tongue out at his pursuer. "Ha! Take that! Nobody catches Naruto Uzumaki! Nobody!" And then the blond was gone.

The Uzumaki would probably have to avoid the guy for a week or two. He'd likely be nursing a grudge and a cup of water from the exercise obtained by chasing after Naruto.

That was far from the blond's mind at the moment though. He looked around, scrutinizing his surroundings and trying to remember where he was. He hadn't ever been in this part of Konoha before...

There was steam rising out from within some of the enclosed areas nearby. There were some murmurs from nearby people and just like that, the area's name clicked into Naruto's head. He was at the public bathhouses!

Naruto hadn't really ever explored this part of Konoha. Not that he didn't want to, of course. So, like every five-year-old, hyperactive child, the blond began wandering around. He was too young to be yelled at for intruding on bathing women anyway. He wouldn't even be able to identify anything!

All he really knew was that the things on a woman's chest could make men pass out. It had happened to some masked guy he saw wandering the village. The dude had spiky white hair and was reading some orange book before he walked into a rather full-figured woman.

The young child had filed that bit of information away, although he wasn't really sure what he would ever do with it.

Then, the sound of giggling reached Naruto's ears. He scrunched his face up and looked around. Was someone laughing at him? He hadn't embarrassed himself in years...

That little mishap with the brown paint didn't count.

Still, the giggling continued and Naruto couldn't see anyone. Naturally curious as he was, Naruto started following the sounds of the giggles. They sounded slightly high-pitched. Maybe they belonged to some woman who was laughing at her boyfriend?

Or maybe they were doing something... something...

Naruto stopped for a moment, trying to figure out the word the old man's secretary had once said. The adjective was supposed to be... perverted? Yes, perverted! Maybe there was a couple doing something perverted, whatever that meant.

The Hokage had giggled when the secretary called him that, after all.

Then again, it might've been a joke or something. Naruto wasn't one to think too deeply though. So, he merely kept searching for the source of the giggling noises.

His search eventually led him to a man with long white hair, who was hunched over and peering into the public hot springs. Naruto would've questioned him, but his attention was stuck on the ludicrously large frog the man was sitting on.

The frog was _huge_! Naruto wondered just what the frog had eaten to grow so big. Maybe he could eat some of that stuff too? It would probably make people stop calling him a short brat...

More hushed giggling was heard from the man and his arm moved slightly. The man looked up at the sky before returning to his previous, hunched-over position.

Completely oblivious of the fact that Jiraiya of the Sannin was spying on attractive, nude women, Naruto walked up and said, "Hey mister, where'd you get the giant frog? Can I have one? What did he eat to get so big?"

These three rapid-fire questions caused Jiraiya to stiffen suddenly before absently waving a hand behind him. "Go away brat," Jiraiya hissed, "You're going to reveal my presence."

Naruto was immediately annoyed. "Hey, are you going to ignore me too? I'm Naruto Uzumaki-"

Further belligerent ranting was cut off as Jiraiya suddenly materialized next to the blond in a show of speed. The white-haired man clamped a hand over Naruto's mouth, effectively silencing the young boy. "Brat, what did I tell you? People are going to notice!" Jiraiya murmured.

The boy glared at Jiraiya as the man removed his hand from the boy's mouth, hoping that Naruto would remain silent. "Don't you ignore me! If you ignore me I'll prank you good! You'll see! You'll be so itchy that everyone will laugh at you and smile at me! You... you... pervert!"

Luckily, the blond was a bit quieter than before. No one had caught his or Jiraiya's presence, thus saving them from a beating by angry, embarrassed women.

Well, they first would've giggled at Naruto, patted his head, and ignored him. _Then_ they would've beat the living snot out of Jiraiya.

Jiraiya paused upon hearing the blond rant some more and made a split-second decision that would change the blond's life forever. He also ignored the latter remark. He was _not_ a simple pervert.

"So you're Naruto Uzumaki?" Jiraiya asked, allowing his toad summon to dispel itself as he got down on a knee and gave the young child a lopsided smile.

"Yeah! And where did the frog go, mister?"

The white-haired man chuckled slightly. "That's not a frog, Naruto. That's a toad. I can summon them from their homes."

"Really? How do you do that?" Naruto asked, gazing at the man with wide, innocent eyes.

"It's a special little technique I can do. I'm a ninja, you know."

"Really? That's so cool! I'm going to be a ninja and then everyone won't ignore me or make funny faces when they stare at me!"

Jiraiya successfully quelled his irritation towards the residents of Konoha. A Hokage could only do so much, after all. "Where do you live, Naruto?" Jiraiya still had a lopsided smile on his face.

"I live in my own apartment. The old man was nice enough to give me one. I can take care of myself! He says I'm really smart for my age too!"

Jiraiya outright laughed, patting Naruto on the head. "You're a good kid, Naruto. Why don't you come with me to meet the old man? He's the leader of the village, right?"

"Yeah, the Hokage's the strongest one here!" The hyperactive blond suddenly frowned. "I'm not in trouble am I? I swear I didn't put any itching powder in your underwear!"

The toad sage snorted. "No, you're not. I'm sure the old man will like seeing you. I have to see him too, you know."

"Yeah, if you're a ninja you'll have to right?" Naruto couldn't see a forehead protector on the man, but if the Hokage didn't have one, why did this man need one?

Jiraiya grinned. "Yep. Come on Naruto, let's go." The duo walked a few paces before a mischievous grin appeared on Jiraiya's visage. "Hey Naruto, how would you like to experience what it's like to be a ninja?"

Naruto stopped and stared at the odd man who was escorting him to the old man's office. "How would you do that?"

The grin widened. "Simple. Like this!" Jiraiya grabbed Naruto's midsection, put him on his shoulders, and bounded off, grinning at the childish laughs of amusement coming from the area above his head.

A ninja of Jiraiya's caliber reached the Hokage's office in only a minute. Naruto had a great big smile on his face, one that could probably outshine the sun.

The toad sage opened the window and entered Hiruzen Sarutobi's office, ignoring Naruto's confused questions. It wasn't often that he entered the old man's office through the window. He had done so a few times when the masked guys that watched over him got annoyed.

"Jiraiya? Naruto-kun?" The Hokage quirked an eyebrow at Naruto's position on his student's shoulders right before Jiraiya took the boy and placed him down on a nearby seat. "What's going on, Jiraiya?"

"Hey, sensei-"

"The old man's your sensei? How come you didn't tell me this?"

"Naruto, could you be quiet for a few minutes?" the Hokage asked, stopping his foster grandson from spouting more questions. The blond looked like he wanted to disobey, but nodded in assent. "Now then Jiraiya, what's the meaning of this?"

"Well, I was doing some research-" The Hokage snorted at that bit of information, "-and this little guy here happened to find me. He introduced himself as one Naruto Uzumaki."

The Hokage glanced at Naruto, who was kicking his legs while sitting on the oversized chair Jiraiya had placed him on. Hiruzen looked back at Jiraiya, silently prompting him to continue speaking.

"Anyway, he told me he was living alone, so I'm just here to ask you a question, sensei," Jiraiya began. The man was twiddling with his thumbs and appeared to be slightly nervous.

"I think I can see where this conversation is going," the Hokage said, sighing slightly. "I guess it was only a matter of time."

"So you're going to let this pass?" Jiraiya asked, surprised but happy that his sensei was going to allow it.

Hiruzen shrugged. "Danzo might not be so happy, but my teammates won't mind. I hope you plan on raising him properly, by the way."

Jiraiya's eyes gleamed and he smirked. "Of course I would. I owe Minato and Kushina that much, don't I?" he said.

"Umm, mister Jiraiya? Old man? What's going on?" Naruto quietly asked, interrupting their somewhat exclusive conversation. The blond had caught the strange ninja's name earlier.

If anything, the gleam in Jiraiya's eyes grew brighter. He turned to face Naruto fully and then got on a knee so that he wasn't towering over his godson.

"Naruto, how would you like to learn how to be a ninja?"

"But I'm going to join the ninja academy..."

"Forget that place! You don't like the people here very much, right?" Naruto shook his head, unknowingly causing the Hokage's heart to clench. "How would you like to live with me, away from all of the mean people?"

Naruto's jaw dropped.

**VvVvV**

(Jiraiya's Mansion)

"WHOA! Jiraiya-ojisan, you own this huge house? It's so much bigger than my old apartment!" Naruto cried, looking over at the giant mansion in awe.

Jiraiya's mansion was gigantic compared to the pint-sized blond. To him, it looked like the house some of those weird guys with the white eyes stayed at, only it had a second story, and it was just one house.

"You better believe it, kid," Jiraiya said, his tone prideful. "It took me seven long years to make enough to buy this, but this is where we'll live!"

"Really? I liked traveling more," Naruto replied. He nodded to himself, seemingly confirming his decision. "Yeah, I really like traveling."

"You're only five, Naruto," Jiraiya commented, grinning at his now-pouting godson. "Don't worry, once you get older we'll start traveling. After all, we've got to make you super-strong so you can be Hokage, right?"

"Yeah! Then mom and dad will be proud of me!"

Jiraiya chuckled at the boy's enthusiasm. Before leaving, he and his sensei had told Naruto everything. Everything about the Kyuubi, everything about his parents, and how Jiraiya was his godfather who had come to Konoha to find him.

Okay, that last part was completely false, but Jiraiya figured it was time to swallow his guilt and regret. He could always take Naruto along with him when he went peeping or when he met up with his contacts. The brat was pretty likeable anyway.

Although, speaking of peeping... as soon as Naruto began training in the ninja arts, Jiraiya was going to corrupt him. The path of the super pervert was too noble to not pass down to his godson! It was his right to do so!

"Come on, let's go inside. If you think the outside is fancy, then you're going to love the inside."

Jiraiya ended up being right. The outside was pretty plain, if not really large. The inside was furnished and the walls painted. There were several portraits Naruto both recognized and did not recognize.

His father and mother were in quite a few of them. There was also a detailed artist's rendition of the nine Tailed Beasts that used to stalk the lands.

Ornate stairs led upstairs to where Naruto would be sleeping. An opening in the main room led to the kitchen, which was stocked with foods that made Naruto's mouth water. Jiraiya's library would also be available for Naruto if he wanted to read anything.

Jiraiya briefly wondered if Naruto would end up taking after his mother or father in that regard. Minato loved to read for hours on end, but Kushina absolutely hated doing so, with the exception of books on sealing.

Maybe Naruto would end up becoming an even greater seal master than both his father and mother. Jiraiya wasn't worried that Naruto would surpass him; he was more concerned with how he was going to corrupt Naruto in the future.

After exploring the house, Jiraiya and Naruto sat down to eat some quality ramen- mainly, cup ramen. The toad sage could tolerate it and Naruto loved it, so why not? There wasn't a better way to have Naruto break in his new home.

The blond ended up feeling very sleepy after consuming his dinner, prompting Jiraiya to lead him to his bedroom. After getting Naruto situated, the blond yawned widely and smacked his lips.

Jiraiya left the room, anticipating the coming years with his godson.

**VvVvV**

(Nine Years Later, Konoha)

Konohamaru Sarutobi ran away from his sensei, the sunglasses-wearing Ebisu. The man kept insisting he was an "elite" instructor, but Konohamaru thought that was bullshit. The grandson of the Third Hokage didn't want to be called "honorable grandson!" all the time. It got grating.

He wanted to be acknowledged for who he was, not for what he represented. Konohamaru wanted to be his own person.

"Honorable grandson! Please wait! We must continue the lesson!" Ebisu called out, lightly jogging towards Konohamaru. The brown-haired ninja-in-training turned a corner and entered the district where the bathhouses and hot springs were.

Not many people knew of Ebisu's secret weakness, but Konohamaru knew! That totally counted for something. His sensei was... a closet pervert! Ebisu simply could not resist the temptation to peep on the attractive women using the hot springs!

He was about to run further, but a hand latched onto his shoulder with a iron grip. Konohamaru sighed in defeat and grumbled to himself. "Honorable grandson, how will you become stronger and live up to your title if you keep running? This isn't part of your duty," Ebisu explained.

The Third Hokage's grandson was about to utter a retort, but there was some giggling that caught his attention. It didn't escape his teacher's notice, either.

The two began to head towards the source of the sounds, driven by curiosity. Konohamaru did not notice the pink tinge on Ebisu's face, else he would've screamed "closet pervert!".

Eventually, the two were by a wooden fence that enclosed an area with steam rising from it. A nearby sign had the kanji for 'female bathing area' on it. Both student and sensei saw two figures on two toads, peering over the fence and giggling lowly to themselves.

Two super perverts were immediately recognized. Ebisu did the most honorable thing he could think of: he ratted the two perverts out. "How dare you two peep upon this establishment! This is not an acceptable hobby for shinobi! I, Ebisu, will-"

"Quiet down, we're enjoying the show here," the ninja on one of the toads said. He was wearing an orange sage vest with a dark blue short shirt kimono with matching pants. Underneath those articles of clothing was mesh armor. The ninja was wearing dark blue shinobi sandals and part of his spiky blond hair was tied back into a short, neat ponytail.

He looked like his godfather, only certain color schemes were swapped. Naruto Uzumaki was such an amazing ninja that even his horrible fashion sense couldn't degrade him. He was _that_ good at stealth.

Years of practice – such as the threat of angry kunoichi – had honed his skills to that degree.

The blond's forehead protector flashed as he returned his view to the hot springs, stifling a slight giggle as he did so. The next one who spoke was Konohamaru, "Perv-"

"Quiet down, brat," Naruto murmured, suddenly appearing next to Konohamaru. "You're going to get us found out. Haven't you ever heard of the bro code?"

Konohamaru grew angry at being called a brat and was about to scream some more when Ebisu intervened. "Nonetheless, you are a ninja of Konoha and you are participating in such unwieldy activity! It is my duty to stop you!"

The other ninja finally sighed in annoyance. "I guess we can't put off our appointment any longer, eh Naruto?" His godson nodded, prompting both toads to lash out with their long tongues.

The tongue of Naruto's toad ended up grabbing Konohamaru. Jiraiya's toad grabbed Ebisu. Both student and sensei were unceremoniously flung into the women's baths.

"Time to beat it?" Naruto asked, grinning up at the toad sage.

"Oh yeah," Jiraiya replied, nodding sagely.

They both stepped into a Body Flicker Technique and reappeared in the Hokage's main office with a grandiose flourish. Too bad it was occupied with another genin team.

Team Seven, with sensei Kakashi Hatake and students Sakura Haruno and Sasuke Uchiha were attempting to convince the Hokage to let them participate in the upcoming Chunin Exams. Their final teammate had been unfortunately killed in a C-rank mission the team had attempted.

That particular mission was simply eliminating bandits, but that member of Team Seven had fallen nonetheless. It was a pity and no one ended up caring. Not even Kakashi, who was usually all 'hoo-hah' about teamwork gave a damn.

Such was Naruto's influence.

The Hokage blinked at the sudden wind and scowled at the leaves now littering his office. "I thought I told you two to come by hours ago," Hiruzen bit out, shelving the conversation he had been having with Team Seven.

Kakashi was nonplussed about the sudden appearance – he had bestowed upon Naruto the ability to be somewhat fashionably late long ago. Although, his late sensei's son had some weird choice in attire.

Sasuke, for the most part, was completely stunned at the nonchalant appearance of these two ninja. He'd admit he'd tensed, but that was only because the two had appeared so suddenly.

Sakura was confused as to what was going on. Two ninja in strange clothing had suddenly appeared and none of the ANBU nearby had so much as reacted. She glanced at them and gasped loudly, causing everyone to stare at her. "Y-You're Jiraiya of the Legendary Three!" Sakura stuttered out.

"What am I, ANBU? Actually, that would be pretty neat," Naruto mused, tapping his chin in thought. Then he began wringing his hands together in an obviously devious fashion. The Hokage instantly recognized Naruto's train of thought and palmed his face.

Last time the Hokage had checked, Yugao was taken... but that had been quite a while ago. Naruto was too young for her, too... but he had learned never to underestimate Naruto when the blond wanted something.

"Naruto, I think we should officially introduce ourselves, don't you think?"

"Definitely, ojisan," Naruto agreed, nodding much like his godfather usually did.

Both shinobi folded their arms and quickly turned around. Despite being in a sealed office, the wind somehow picked up, sending the leaves the two ninja brought in flying. The Hokage groaned while Kakashi, Sakura, and even Sasuke gazed upon the two in curiosity.

"From beyond the mountains of the samurai..." Jiraiya began.

"...to the swirling tides of Uzushio's past..." Naruto continued.

"...ladies love us..."

"...men want to be us..."

"...ladies swoon in our presence!" Jiraiya boomed, turning around with a goofy grin on his face.

"...And men are jealous of what we hold within!" Naruto added, turning around just as his godfather had done.

"I am the great and gallant toad sage, Jiraiya!"

"And I am his apprentice, the insane, peeping fox known as Naruto Uzumaki!"

Both ninja stood shoulder to shoulder and crossed their arms, laughing loudly as they did so. "Together, we are known as the epitome of masculinity! We are the Mighty Soldiers of Mount Myoboku!" They finished with a thumb jerked in the other's direction.

Nothing happened for a few seconds until Kakashi slowly began to clap. "You two have improved since the last time I've seen you," he said.

"Considering it's been a few years, I'd expect that," Hiruzen dryly muttered. He cleared his throat, catching everyone's attention, including a highly confused Haruno and Uchiha. "So, I suppose you two are here for the Exams?"

Jiraiya nodded. "Yep. You told me you needed an extra, so I got one."

"Hey! I'm not an extra!"

"All right, fine..." The toad sage's eyes gleamed. "I got you a spare instead."

Naruto fell over at that, but quickly rose and dusted himself off. "I'm going to ignore that. Anyway, old man, do I have to do this? Bubblegum and the Uchiha can surely do it on their own."

Sakura raised an eyebrow at the cavalier way Naruto was addressing the Hokage while Sasuke simply stared.

"Yes you do, Naruto. You're not an official chunin yet. You're getting a promotion regardless due to mission and skill merit alone, but this is a way to get us more jobs while we're at it," Jiraiya said, grinning at his frowning apprentice. "Besides, you haven't heard the best part yet."

Sasuke, who had correctly deduced that Naruto was going to be their new teammate, perked up a _small_ bit at the prospect of hearing the so-called "best part". Sakura did the same.

"There's been additional teams sent from the villages you've visited," the Hokage said, taking over for Jiraiya. "I think you've done more than you think."

Naruto blinked and rubbed his hands together. "Oh yes... I'll definitely join the Exams now. This has effectively redeemed everything about the Exams, in my opinion."

"I'm sure," Hiruzen deadpanned. "Anyway, you've already met Kakashi before, but please meet Sakura Haruno-" Bubblegum waved uncertainly, "-and Sasuke Uchiha." Uchiha grunted in response.

"I've already introduced myself," Naruto declared, shrugging in reply. "So are we going to do some teamwork exercises?"

"The Exams start tomorrow," Kakashi muttered, his orange book already back up. Somehow, he had received an autograph from both Jiraiya and Naruto despite no one ever seeing such a thing happen. "Don't you want to really introduce yourself? You know, likes-"

"No," Naruto promptly said. "As for the exams... eh, we'll figure it out," Naruto shrugged once more, not really caring either way.

Kakashi sighed to himself. "I guess I'll have to try to set something up then. Come on, you three." Naruto waved good-bye to his godfather and foster grandfather, leaving them to discuss certain matters amongst themselves.

The walk to the training field Kakashi led them to would've been silent if Naruto hadn't been chatting about everything and anything that came to mind. Other people liked it when he did so and Bubblegum seemed to be interested, so why not?

"Are you really a ninja?" Sasuke finally said, glaring at the blond-haired enigma in front of him.

"One of the best," Naruto smoothly replied, pasting a grin on his face for the Uchiha in front of him. "Is there a problem?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Fight me," he demanded. "I'd like to see just how good you are."

"You're not going to win," Kakashi matter-of-factly said. He ignored Sasuke's subsequent glare.

"Err... Sasuke was the Rookie of the Year," Sakura hesitantly stated. Her voice was slightly subdued. It was kind of a relief for Kakashi and Sasuke – Naruto didn't know that, though.

That particular annoyance was all subjective anyway.

"Tell that to someone who gives a damn." Naruto smirked at Sasuke, who took up a fighting stance as Sakura and Kakashi backed away. "All right, how we doing this? Techniques, illusions-"

"-You can't do illusions," Kakashi remarked, absentmindedly flipping a page in his book.

"Shut up, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto snapped. "That's not my fault! Blame my mom!" Kakashi snickered in reply, although whether it was directed towards Naruto or the orange book in his hands was unclear.

"Everything goes except for lethal force," Kakashi said in a bored tone of voice.

Sasuke smirked and launched himself at Naruto, who was still scowling at his sensei-

-only to end up on the ground with Naruto's foot on his chest. "Damn, that was easy."

Sasuke's jaw dropped. He hadn't even seen Naruto move! What the hell kind of training regimen was he under?

A small part of Sasuke's mind did remind the Uchiha that technically, Naruto _was_ the Legendary Jiraiya's apprentice. That sparked a bit of annoyance.

"What about you, Bubblegum? Do you want to try?" Sakura frowned at her nickname. "Oh, don't be like that! I have a nickname for everyone! I call my godfather a perverted hermit, I call Kakashi a perverted mask-wearer, and I call old man Hokage a closet pervert!"

"Is there anyone you _don't_ call a pervert?" Sakura asked, glaring at Naruto.

"Run that statement over in your head for a moment and you'll have your answer," Naruto replied, a cheeky grin on his face. "Anyway, I'm heading to the hot springs since this training is relatively useless and I'm taking this guy with me." Naruto grabbed Sasuke and dragged him along. The Uchiha looked like he'd rather be anywhere else than with his new teammate.

Kakashi shrugged and let them go.

After a few minutes of resisting being dragged, Sasuke finally began to walk on his own. "Where are you taking me?" he snapped. "I have training to do. The Exams start tomorrow!"

"Training won't help you in a day. In this case, I find it easier to relax," Naruto explained. When the two reached the hot springs district, Naruto sat down near a fence and took out a brush that had ink on. He wrote some symbols down and grinned.

"Is that sealing?" Sasuke asked, interested despite himself. He was also wondering why they weren't _in_ the hot springs and why they were next to the wooden fence that enclosed the female area of the bathhouses.

"It's a form of it," Naruto admitted. He put his face closer to the fence and grinned widely. "Oh yeah, I'm so amazing. Very nice..."

Sasuke made to speak, but Naruto shushed him and dragged the Uchiha towards the fence. "Look at this seal and I know you'll enjoy sleeping tonight." Naruto had a smug grin on his face.

The so-called last Uchiha shrugged, thinking that he didn't have anything else to lose. He peered into the wall and waited. Slowly, the portion of the wall began to fade, giving Sasuke a view of some very attractive, _nude_ women.

Naturally, he flew backwards in a burst of blood. Most of it was expelled through his nostrils.

"Huh," Naruto mused as he peered at the unconscious Sasuke. "You'd think he'd done this before..."

All teenagers were supposed to do that kind of stuff... right?

* * *

**I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. If you've read the junk that is Alternate Timeline, then you're probably aware that I can't write legitimate harems seriously. So instead we'll have Naruto vying for the attention of every kunoichi (or non-kunoichi female) ever instead. It's not logical, but whatever.  
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**This means that the females that I haven't written about before _will_ be written in this story. Because Naruto is an awesome, insane, perverted bastard. That's why.**

**All women will be accepted.**

**Just an FYI: I am not a derogatory sexist! This is just for fun!**

**Read and Review! Request too! Any kunoichi/females you want? Naruto's encountered nearly everyone over his travels with Jiraiya, so go nuts.  
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**EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed some typos courtesy of fermontie.  
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	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Holy crap, nice reception. Thanks guys. Ch2 and onwards will usually have a title referring to the main female of the chapter.  
**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Naruto.**

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Chapter Two: Hiss, Hiss

(Flashback, Age Six)

"_Again!" Jiraiya barked. Naruto panted and wiped the sweat off of his brow. He assumed a ready stance and inhaled deeply._

_Abruptly, Naruto's fingers twitched, sending six spinning shuriken at the two targets in front of him. A series of dull _thuds_ followed shortly afterward and Jiraiya walked up to the targets so that he could inspect Naruto's handiwork._

"_Not bad for a brat," Jiraiya said, smirking at Naruto's childish pout. Each target had three shuriken lodged in the rather small center. It was a testament to his godson's growth._

_A year of instruction and traveling in the general area around the mansion had greatly improved Naruto's skills. He wasn't alone either; whenever Jiraiya had to do something he let Naruto run amok in the nearby village, where nobody knew that Naruto was a container._

_His prankster habits hadn't died down though. Jiraiya thought that was a good thing, but others probably didn't. If someone annoyed Naruto to a certain point, he would prank them. Itching powder comprised the majority of his pranks._

_It was something the blond would come to use often in his life. In the youngster's own words, "Don't underestimate itching powder damn it!"_

_Every now and then Jiraiya would send the Hokage a letter, most of it detailing Naruto's interactions with other people, how he was adapting, and how much he was improving. The improvements with ninja skill weren't top priority however._

_A lot of people seemed to forget that Konoha was a bit more progressive than other ninja villages. Konoha's containers weren't weapons! They were human individuals with a ridiculous penchant for pranks!_

_It was kind of a strange thing to say to the other village leaders. "Oh hey, how's your village weapon coming along? Good? That's nice. Mine just pranks everybody." No one ever took that statement seriously._

"_I think that's enough for today, Naruto," Jiraiya announced. He ignored Naruto's long, annoyed groan. Raising a child had been quite a challenge, but the toad sage thought he'd done a good job. Better than some other people could do, in any case._

"_So when is that lady coming over?"_

_Naruto's godfather blinked. Lady? What lady? He had been sure to stay away from brothels and other places that served pleasures of the flesh... He'd show those to Naruto later..._

_Oh, wait a minute. "You mean my old teammate, Tsunade-hime?"_

"_Yeah, Tsunade Senju!" Naruto clarified. "I want to see if she's as old as you are!"_

_Jiraiya paused and looked down at Naruto. The boy had an innocent smile on his face and was swinging his arms around as he hopped near his godfather. "I am not old," Jiraiya muttered._

"_But you have wrinkles on the sides of your eyes!"_

"_I am not old!" Jiraiya insisted. Naruto really knew how to rile people up. Perhaps that was how he could prank anyone he wanted?_

_No one could detect Naruto's traps. Absolutely no one. It was_ impossible.

_Several months ago, an obviously Hyuuga ANBU had been sent to the mansion to deliver a letter and pick up a status report. Naruto had taken the time to charm whoever the Hyuuga was... and had subsequently led her into every single trap planted._

_Hell, there was one trap that knocked the ANBU's mask off, revealing the fair, attractive visage of a Hyuuga branch member. That didn't mean she wasn't pissed though._

_Needless to say, the ANBU member was tempted to spank the little blond. Jiraiya would've allowed it too, given how amusing it would've been._

_They entered the mansion and immediately realized there was someone in the house. It was hard not to, with the sounds of someone rummaging through Jiraiya's cupboards._

"_Hey! Tsunade! Don't steal my food!" Jiraiya cried, walking into the kitchen with Naruto._

_The busty blonde turned to Jiraiya, scowled at him, and then returned to looking for more food. Her own apprentice bowed to Jiraiya respectfully and gave the little blond next to him an inquisitive glance._

"_All right, fine... I'll let you have some food. You probably can't even pay me back since you're on the run from loan sharks. That's why you're here, right?" Tsunade's growled at her teammate's correct guess._

"_Jiraiya-sama, who's the boy?" Shizune asked in a meek voice._

"_Hey, hey! I'm right here you know!" Naruto cried, folding his arms and glaring up at the teenage kunoichi. She giggled at him; he was just too cute!_

"_Didn't Tsunade tell you who he was? I was sure I mentioned it when she told me she'd be coming over today..." Shizune shook her head. "All right, this little guy here is my godson, Naruto Uzumaki."_

_There was a loud crash as Tsunade whirled around and stared at Jiraiya for a few seconds. Her jaw was wide open as well. "Hey, I know I'm amazing and everything, but you really should be mindful of your manners. This _is_ my house, after all," Jiraiya joked._

"_Y-You actually took him in?" Tsunade stuttered, completely flabbergasted that Jiraiya actually lived up to his promise._

"_Hey! Ojisan can be responsible too!" Tsunade peered down at Naruto and chuckled to herself. The boy really did look cute. His arms were folded and his bottom lip was sticking out. It was reminded her of her late younger brother._

_Her chest throbbed painfully, but she couldn't really make herself feel quite so negative. "Naruto, right? How old are you?" Tsunade asked, smiling down at her fellow blonde._

"_I'm almost seven, baachan."_

_The temperature in the room dropped several degrees. Shizune began to quiver and Jiraiya choked on his own spit._

_Naruto just stood there returning Tsunade's gaze with a completely innocent expression._

"_What... what did you call me?"_

**VvVvV**

(Present)

Naruto Uzumaki walked down a street of Konoha with a wide grin on his face. He really loved it when the hotels he stayed at served ramen all day.

He had woken up, stretched, and cleaned up for the Chunin Exams. He had to look lively and fresh for all of the kunoichi. As soon as he opened those doors, they would swarm over to him and... and...!

Some female vendors scowled at Naruto's inane giggling. The blush on the boy's face and the perverted smile he had on didn't help him much. There were children on the street, for crying out loud!

The blond didn't really care, though. If Kakashi and several other jounin read Icha Icha in public, then he could get away with his perverted thoughts. If people yelled at him for it, then they had double standards and that just wasn't nice.

His new teammates gave him odd looks as he strolled onto the bridge where his new sensei was supposed to meet him. Bubblegum was frowning at his perverse smile while Uchiha was frowning because that was his mouth's default position.

"So where's the masked pervert?" Naruto asked. His perverted smile returned into a more friendly grin. No need to freak everyone out.

Before Bubblegum and Uchiha could reply, there was a puff of smoke and Kakashi appeared. "That's not nice, Naruto," Kakashi disapprovingly said. "I'm more than a masked pervert. Why did you give me such a boring name? My mask doesn't define everything I do."

Naruto shrugged. "Whatever. Can we get the forms and head off? I want to go say hi to Yugao-chan."

"Who's that?" Sakura asked, interested in the familiar way the blond called the female.

"No one special," Kakashi interrupted, handing out the requested forms and telling them to head to the specified room. "Get going. You can exchange pleasantries with Yugao after the Exams."

Naruto was already gone and dragging Sakura and Sasuke behind him. They lagged a little bit before picking themselves up and walking behind him.

"So, are you guys ready for the Exams?"

"I think so," Bubblegum hesitantly replied.

"You sure don't sound ready. Didn't you get a good night's rest and a large, healthy breakfast?"

Sasuke snorted quite loudly at that comment. "Does cereal count as a good breakfast?" Sakura timidly asked.

"That depends on the cereal. I'd suggest oatmeal as a substitute, but these shops might not have it." Naruto shrugged. "I've traveled around too often... I'm not used to the food here anymore. But anyway, there's going to be a brat being held up by some dude... in a costume, I think."

Sasuke furrowed his brows in confusion. "What are you talking about? I don't see anything like that happening." Sasuke hadn't been paying attention; the whining of the brat was quite loud.

They turned the corner and then saw the scene Naruto had so accurately described. The blond himself was blinking rapidly at the brat who was being held up. There were two other brats screaming at the costume-wearing dude too.

Further activity was stalled by Naruto's loud, indignant, "YOU!"

Kankuro dropped Konohamaru in surprise. "Who, me?" he asked, pointing to himself.

"No, not you or your hot sister!" Naruto snapped. He stomped over to where Konohamaru was rubbing his behind and picked the little guy up. "You! Next time, let me enjoy myself! It's part of the damned bro code!"

"Oh, I see what's going on," Kankuro said, nodding his head. "Another traitor, eh Naruto?"

"You better believe it, Kankuro." The blond gave Temari a charming smile, but she scoffed and looked away. He didn't miss the small smile she had on her face.

"What is going on?" Bubblegum asked, rubbing her head in confusion.

"Where's Gaara?" Naruto asked, looking around. "He's not going to make another dramatic entrance, is he?"

The puppeteer chuckled. "Oh, you know Gaara. Three, two, one..."

There was a whoosh of sand and the redheaded Gaara stood between Kankuro and Temari. Gaara gave his fellow container a respectful, familiar nod. "Keep what I've told you before in mind, Uzumaki," Gaara blandly stated. He also leaned in and whispered something to Naruto, but it was too quiet for anyone but the Uzumaki to hear.

Then he and his teammates turned and left, leaving a gaping Naruto and his confused partners behind.

The perverted Uzumaki suddenly grinned. "Your sister still has a nice ass, Gaara!" Bubblegum's eyes nearly popped out of her skull. Gaara stumbled slightly before clenching his fists and dutifully continuing to walk with his head held high. He didn't need to dispense another warning.

Gaara knew that Naruto was just screwing around.

Temari turned around and stuck her tongue out at her fellow blond. Gaara still wasn't used to playing the protective brother, hence his lack of an actual reaction, and Kankuro was too perverted to care.

"I am completely and utterly lost," Sakura muttered. She turned to her crush for an explanation, but he too was raising an eyebrow at the odd scene.

"I've met them before and I've met this one brat here before." Naruto ignored the annoying pout from Konohamaru and kept walking towards where the exams were being held.

"You thought she had a nice ass?" Sasuke discreetly asked. He didn't want Sakura's scrutiny. He was a guy too for crying out loud!

His blond teammate nodded. "Her body is much better though."

Naruto wasn't the most subtle person at times. So, his comment wasn't muffled or whispered. Therefore, the nearby pink-haired female heard his statement.

She fell flat on her face in surprise. Naruto stopped and looked down at her twitching body. "Are you going to lay there all day? Come on, Bubblegum. I know other kunoichi might elicit feelings of inferiority at times, but you need to realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

"Really?" Uchiha queried, interested. "I thought beauty was objective."

"Who the hell raised you? Some uptight disciplinarian?" Naruto shook his head in mock-disappointment. "I will make a noble and virtuous person out of you yet."

They kept walking in silence before Sasuke finally uttered a "what the fuck?".

In reality, it was something Itachi Uchiha had told Naruto in their first encounter. Itachi had told him that Sasuke was the only person left that could redeem the Uchiha Clan in the eyes of Konoha.

Naturally, Naruto took that statement the wrong way.

The three eventually reached the academy. Naruto ignored the amount of ninja warming up in the courtyard and kicked open the doors. "Hey, hey! Move over! The peeping fox is here!" Naruto declared.

The large amount of ninja in the room scoffed at the entrance, causing Naruto's right eyebrow to twitch. "Move, assholes! I need to find myself some pretty ladies! You're all men! Go away! This is already a big enough sausage-fest!"

One by one, various male shinobi were shoved aside as Naruto carved a path for Sakura and Sasuke. The one or two kunoichi in the crowd squealed in embarrassment and fury as Naruto groped their behinds.

Of course, they didn't think it was Naruto. Naruto was too damned good to be caught like that. They thought the male ninja next to them had inappropriately touched them and channeled their righteous fury onto those poor souls.

Eventually, they were able to climb the stairs and reach the second floor. Once more, Naruto dragged his teammates through the crowd of ninja who were attempting to get into a false room.

One of the ninja blocking the false room attempted to slap Tenten in the face, but the hand was stopped and then shoved away. Naruto, with his odd clothing and charming smile, appeared out of nowhere. Bubblegum and Uchiha were nowhere to be seen.

"What the? Where did you come from?" one of the ninja with bandages on his face asked.

"For the love of god, don't mar her beautiful face!" Naruto shouted, scowling at the two ninja in front of him. He turned to Tenten and smiled at her. "Are you all right?"

People were more confused with Naruto's strange choice of words than with his sudden appearance. Naruto also ignored Tenten's wound disappearing before his eyes. Yeah, he knew it was a ruse, but who cared?

She stared into his crystal blue eyes and looked down. "Y-Yeah, I'm fine," she quietly replied. Tenten looked up when she suddenly felt like she was getting stared at in a way her sensei had told her was most unyouthful.

"Hmm... A-cup... somewhat slight build... toned..." Naruto muttered some things underneath his breath. The people around him backed away slightly. "My decision is..."

Everyone waited with bated breath. Even Tenten did so, even though she felt like she had been undressed against her will.

"...You are definitely a grade A kunoichi! I would totally peep on you!"

Naruto ducked the embarrassed and angry punch from Tenten and jumped off, cackling madly as he did so. He still had several other kunoichi to do that to, so he had to avoid injury.

He found Sakura and Sasuke waiting in the designated room. Rather than kick the door open, he entered like a normal human being for once. Not like a ninja, but just like a normal human being. There's a difference, you know.

"Naruto? What were you doing?" Sakura asked.

"Oh, I was just observing the competition." It was a very good excuse. "So... what's up rookies?"

The rookies in the room turned their attention to him. The pineapple-haired one yawned, the large one began munching on some chips, and the others simply observed him. He noticed a Hyuuga, though. She looked vaguely familiar...

Then again, most Hyuuga looked familiar regardless. White eyes, fair skin, smooth, silky hair? Did they even know the meaning of originality?

A rookie wearing a fur jacket guffawed at him. "What are you wearing, man? What kind of clothing is that? You look like a moving target!"

"Hmm?" Naruto eyed the boy who bore a resemblance to a certain hunter-nin he had met before. "Did you say something? I was too busy admiring- uh, I mean observing the competition."

Indeed, Naruto's entrance had garnered quite a bit of attention. He spotted a series of familiar Kumo ninja and Oto ninja. Gaara and his siblings were in the room, too.

He somewhat expected some teams from Iwa, but he guessed the Tsuchikage still hadn't warmed up to him. Kurotsuchi sure hadn't.

Naruto marched away from the rookies. He ignored the odd looks he was getting and kept on walking towards his destination.

"Hey, is Guren-chan with you guys?" The Oto-nin flinched. "What? Oh, don't tell me she's still acting like a bloodthirsty, tyrannical dictator. She's a damn softy at heart."

"W-What the hell? How do you know Guren-sama?" the spiky-haired genin, Zaku, said.

Naruto shrugged. "I've met people here and there. Based on your reactions, I'd say she's stalking around somewhere." His trademark, perverted grin appeared on his face. Then he walked away and walked up to the Kumo team that was watching him intently.

"Naruto?" a redhead asked, tilting her head slightly. "I thought you were already a chunin."

"Hey, Karui-chan, Samui-chan. Omoi." Omoi nodded respectfully towards Naruto. "Nah, the old man shoved me in here because he was bored." The blond suddenly appeared behind Karui and Samui. He placed his arms over their shoulders and brought them in close.

Samui sighed. "Not cool, Naruto-kun," she muttered.

"You better not be staring," Karui threatened.

"What, I can't be around two of my favorite kunoichi ever?"

"I thought you said Yugito-sama was your favorite kunoichi ever," Omoi asked, sounding slightly confused.

"I say that to everyone," Naruto flippantly replied. "What better way to get a better view?"

Both girls did not like that question, but for different reasons.

**VvVvV**

Naruto was nervous. No, scratch that, he was completely fucking terrified. What did he do to deserve this? Seriously, what did he do to deserve this debilitating torture?

He stared down towards his test, absently filled out a question, and went back to staring at the ceiling.

He was so screwed. Maybe he should've listened to his godfather. Not all kunoichi were meant to be spied on. Some of their bodies were too glorious to be seen by the naked eye – or at least, by perverted eyes.

The test wasn't a problem. All he had done was get Jiraiya drunk and goad him into speaking. Simple task, simple response. Most of his answers were junk and doodles, but at least he was putting in an honest effort.

It would probably be the last time he ever put effort into anything.

_Oh god, why did this have to happen? Why Ibiki? Anyone but Ibiki!_ Naruto mentally cried. He hadn't done anything bad! At least, not anything bad in _his_ terms.

Because when Ibiki was somewhere, his partner was usually close by.

At least he could look at the bright side. He had a rather attractive kunoichi next to him; he could already see the beginnings of a generous bosom in the making!

Ordinarily, hormonal boys would be dripping blood from their noses at these kinds of thoughts. Not Naruto. No, he was made of tougher stuff. He'd built up a resilience.

The blonde girl that had been with the pineapple-hair kid and the Akimichi looked like she could be quite attractive in a few years, too. He might have to find her when she visited the hot springs, as well as the kunoichi next to him.

She was a Hyuuga too. That was a bonus. It was always fun corrupting those noble bastards.

Why was he nervous again? Oh, right, the prospect of imminent death. Naruto sighed morosely.

"Pencil's down! Time's up, maggots!" Ibiki boomed, glaring at the genin in the room. "Before I tell you the final question, I have to ask whether or not you want to take it."

"What are you talking about? Of course we'll take it!" Temari shouted.

Ibiki chuckled darkly. It reminded Naruto of Tsunade. "If you decide not to take this question, you will fail and your team will be forced to leave this room. However, if you decide to attempt this final question and you end up with the wrong answer... you fail and can never take another Chunin Exam in your life."

There was stunned silence for only a second before people began to voice their concerns. Some even cracked and left in a hurry. Naruto really thought that everybody could pretty much use some cheese with their whine.

The large, scarred instructor saw that Naruto was looking up at the ceiling, a thoughtful expression on his face. He slammed his hands on Naruto's desk, causing the nearby Hinata to jump. "You! Uzumaki!" he bellowed.

The blond slowly lowered his face and met Ibiki's gaze. "Yes, Ibiki?" he passively said.

"Why aren't you screaming and attempting to defy me? It's always pretty funny when you do that."

"You don't have another betting pool running, do you?"

"Uh... we might," the proctor admitted. Naruto glared at him. "What? You make me a lot of money!"

"That's not the problem. The truth is... I am going to die." Naruto's revelation left the room stunned. People stopped quitting and stared at the new center of attention.

"Why are you going to die?"

"I, uh... did something that probably pissed Anko off."

Ibiki blanched. "You didn't. Please tell me you did not risk your life in that way."

Naruto shook his head and closed in on himself. He felt like he was six again, right after he had called Tsunade a grandma.

"I feel for you, man," Ibiki said, putting a hand on Naruto's shoulder.

The blond grabbed Ibiki's collar and pulled him in close. "Save me Ibiki! I'm begging you, man! Save me! I don't want to be castrated yet!"

The proctor shoved Naruto back into his seat. "Sorry, Naruto. The bro code ends where Anko's bath begins. As for everyone else... if you're still here, you-"

"Don't say it!" Naruto frantically interrupted. "I want to live, damn you!"

"Stop being a drama queen. You all pass." Ibiki expected shock, but everyone seemed to have passed that point. Naruto's little breakdown probably helped the genin in the room. What a missed opportunity. He probably wouldn't even have time to show off his extremely manly scars.

Nothing said masculine like disgustingly disturbing scars.

The window shattered as a kunai flew in. It pierced Naruto's wooden desk and sank in up to its handle. A blur flew into the class, completely destroying the rest of the glass window. Two kunai shot out from the person's hands and landed into the walls nearby.

A large, black banner opened up with a description written in kanji. It had something about the second exam and its peppy proctor written on it.

The entire group gawked at the sign, completely ignoring the rather scantily clad kunoichi in front of them. "You know, I'd usually make you all rush out of here, but I'm going to make an exception because _this_ guy is here..."

Anko Mitarashi smiled sweetly at Naruto... maybe a tad too sweetly. The blond himself would probably be sweating bullets, but he had resigned himself to his fate. "All right, you caught me Anko," Naruto muttered. "Just kill me please! I don't want to be castrated!"

The proctor of the second exam frowned. "Why would I castrate you? I'm just giving you a warning..." She slammed another kunai into Naruto's desk. "You see this desk here? That represents your balls. I might owe you from before, but you better not peep on me damn it! I thought I made that clear the last time, you damned blond!"

That "damned blond" was proud to say that he successfully managed to keep himself from fainting. He also managed to keep himself from pissing his pants. Anko was _scary_.

"All right, I don't really care how many of you are left, but know that at least half of you are going to fail. Now follow me!" She leapt out the window. Genin tentatively followed.

The last remaining genin in the room was Naruto. He was just staring out into space with a disbelieving expression on his face.

"You're going to miss the instructions," Ibiki noted, jolting Naruto out of his reverie.

"I think my life flashed before my eyes." Naruto grinned. "I think I liked it!"

There was a snort as the proctor began picking up tests. "Get out of here. Oh, actually, take this." Ibiki handed Naruto a roll of bills. At Naruto's questioning look, the man elaborated. "That's your cut since you successfully ended up causing a scene."

"Thanks," Naruto deadpanned. He jumped through the broken window and ran into the distance, his clothing whipping out behind him.

**VvVvV**

(Forest of Death)

"That examiner was scary," Sakura said. She shuddered at Anko's strange mannerisms.

"That examiner looked like she would be a competent teacher," Sasuke mused.

"That examiner almost castrated me," Naruto grouched. "Come on, we're heading towards the tower."

"What? Why? We need to get an earth scroll!" Sasuke demanded. He was staring at Naruto like he was crazy.

"Oh, I've already got one." Naruto pulled out an earth scroll from somewhere, as well as Team Seven's heaven scroll. "Anko-chan's got nothing on me!" He cackled menacingly.

Sakura closed her mouth with an audible click. "How did you get that scroll? You've been with us the entire time!"

"Oh please, it's not like Anko's the only ninja around here," Naruto sniffed. "I lifted it from her coat. I got a nice feel, too." Sakura blushed at that. Sasuke, being a hormonal male, did so as well, but ended up successfully hiding it.

The three left the clearing and headed towards the tower. A few minutes after they left the clearing, a ninja from Ame wandered in, looking confused. He was followed by Orochimaru, who also looked very confused.

The two ninja stared at each other. "Um, were you looking for someone?" the Ame-nin asked.

"Yes, I was looking for a certain teenager. You know, so I can inhabit his body and attain the Sharingan. And that's the only thing I plan on doing."

"Ah, I see. That sounds rather complicated," the ninja said in a conversational tone.

Orochimaru groaned. "Tell me about it. It took me years to perfect and only then do I figure out you can implant Sharingan eyes anywhere on your body! I figured it out right after the Uchiha Clan was massacred!"

"Well that's a stroke of bad luck."

"I know, right? I mean, I don't really want to learn every jutsu ever anymore, but it's still nice to have a battle advantage in the form of an eye technique."

"What about the Hyuuga?" the Ame-nin suggested. "X-ray eyes seem pretty cool if you ask me."

"Oh shut up," Orochimaru hissed. "I'm not a hormonal teenager." He looked down at his body. "This body might be though. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to have a female body even though your mind is distinctly male?"

"Um, no. I don't plan on ever having any idea on how uncomfortable that is."

Orochimaru snapped his fingers. "I swear my old teammate's godson had something to do with this. Little brat always seems to pop up in the most unexpected places. Well, it was nice meeting you, but I must be off. Places to be, things to do."

"You too, mister S-rank missing ninja," the Ame-nin amicably replied.

The two ninja departed, each having something interesting to tell to their respective underlings and teammates.

An amused Kakashi led his team into the tower. "I'm surprised you guys took so long. Come on, you had Naruto with you. How did you do it? Did someone just give you their scroll? I'm sure Naruto could talk someone into doing that."

"No, I stole it from Anko," Naruto replied. "Then I decided to take my time because getting here too early is overrated."

"Stole what?" Team Seven, as well as Kakashi, froze when they heard the sweet tone of voice tickle their ears. Anko sidled up to them, a deceptively sweet grin on her face. "So what did you steal from me this time, brat? You've already taken a bra from before, so did you take my panties?"

Kakashi's eye was wide open. Sakura was blushing furiously. Sasuke was attempting to – and horribly failing to – restrain the amount of blood leaking from his nose.

"Oh, you know," Naruto chuckled nervously, "I stole one of your scrolls."

"So that's what that was..." Anko muttered. She grabbed Naruto's shoulders and violently shook him back and forth. "You bastard! I thought I told you not to do anything perverted! That includes feeling me up! Stupid brat!"

"H-Hey! I'm not a brat! I'm the Peeping Fox of Mount Myoboku! It's not my fault you have a nice body!" The shaking abruptly stopped, sending Naruto stumbling back. Anko was giving him an odd look before she sighed and grabbed Naruto.

"Come on, blondie. I might as well give you something that at least seems like a life lesson." The snake mistress dragged Naruto away from his befuddled team.

"Okay, I realize why this is so annoying," Naruto chirped. He now had a general idea of why people found being dragged around irritating. The blond ninja finally began to walk on his own after a few moments.

"Naruto, do you know why I keep telling you to stop acting that way?" Anko asked, looking down at her blond charge.

"Of course I do. It's going to be something about respect, sexism, and how if I keep being a pervert I'll end up alone."

Anko laughed. She laughed long and hard. "Me? Giving out lessons regarding respect? That's funny, Naruto. No, I want you to stop looking in on me in public. I'm not a nymphomaniac like people make me out to be!"

Hey, she didn't say he couldn't check her out when he wasn't in public. That was a win-win for him. "Yeah, I get it Anko-chan. You need to remove that sexually-starved kunoichi image that has for some reason sprung up around you. I guess I should go younger?" Naruto suggested.

The purple-haired kunoichi snorted. "What, don't want people your own age?"

"No, it has something to do with psychological development, according to Tsunade-baachan. Apparently I'm fixated on older females because I never had a solid female figure in my life." Not one that he could remember, anyway.

"Or you're probably just a perverted bastard who's just coming up with excuses to justify your actions," Anko chirped, ruffling the blond's hair. "Don't get me wrong, blondie, you're a cute kid and I appreciate what you did for me in the past, aside from that other stuff. I'll admit you're probably going to be a looker when you're older, but you're a bit too young for me at the moment."

The blond grinned at the young woman. "I love you too, Anko-chan." He took out an orange book from his pouch, but didn't open it. He caught Anko's amused expression. "What?"

"Again, you're a cute guy, Naruto. But do you honestly expect me, a twenty year old kunoichi, to go out with you?"

"Well, that and I actually expected hot, steamy, passionate-" Thwack. "Ouch!" Naruto rubbed his head and mock-glared at her.

"Very funny, Naruto," Anko muttered. She glanced at the book's cover and frowned. "You really read this crap?"

"Proof-read," Naruto corrected. "It's not that bad, but I'm writing my own series and it's going to be even better than this one. I do have to show my godfather up, after all."

"Huh," Anko mused, rubbing her chin, "Kurenai-chan doesn't have this particular book."

Naruto's jaw dropped and his eyes widened in shock. "Kurenai Yuhi, one of the best illusion-users in Konoha... is a closet pervert?"

"Yep."

Anko blinked as the pornography she had used to smack Naruto with vanished from her hand. Naruto was suddenly gone too. "Oh boy," she said to no one in particular, "Maybe I should've told him that she hates perverts because they're disrespectful and chauvinistic even though she's one herself.

…

…

…

"Oh well, as long as I don't end up looking bad." She snickered to herself briefly before suddenly stopping. She shifted her legs and frowned deeply. "...How the fuck did he get my panties?"

* * *

**Just an FYI: Part of every chapter will likely start with Naruto's various experiences as a youngster. It's just to explain what Naruto did throughout his life. I hope that's not too bad.**

**As I said so before, Naruto is vying for the affections of the kunoichi, not the other way around. The kunoichi of this chapter was Anko – but only a little bit. Longer and more complete interactions will be done as the chapters go on! Some kunoichi will also be introduced outside of when they were introduced in canon, just so you know.**

**Anyway, R/R. If there are any errors, comments, or concerns, leave a review or shoot me a message.**

**EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed some silly wording. Thanks to fermontie for pointing it out.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, I was busy. Naruto's still fairly innocent in the flashbacks up until a certain point.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

* * *

Chapter Three: The Illusionist

(Flashback, Age Seven)

_Jiraiya led the two ANBU to his kitchen, where he had just finished eating. One was upright, rigid, and extremely respectful, while the other was slightly lethargic and much more relaxed._

_The toad sage instinctively knew that the relaxed one was Kakashi Hatake. No one but Kakashi would act like that around him. It was something the man had picked up a few months ago when he had visited the mansion for the second time._

_It was also the second time Naruto had caught him unawares with his pranks. The blond youngster was some kind of genius with pranks, but that was to be expected given who his mother had been._

_The other ANBU, who was wearing a Cat mask, wasn't someone Jiraiya recognized. He guessed she was a new recruit based on how she acted._

"_Kakashi-sensei?" an innocent voice asked. Kakashi suddenly dropped into a combat stance, his ANBU mask flying off and his Sharingan blazing._

_Kakashi slowly slipped back into his slouched posture once he realized there were no bags of itching powder flying about. "Hello, Naruto," Kakashi cheerfully said, rubbing the youngster's head._

_Naruto scowled up at Kakashi, but conveniently ignored – or possibly forgot – the ANBU's previous behavior. "Did you bring me anything from the old man?" the Uzumaki asked._

_The elite ANBU chuckled and shook his head. "Not today." He paused for a moment before tilting his head. "You're not going to put itching powder down my pants again, are you?"_

"_Don't worry, I won't!" Naruto chirped._

"_Who's the partner?" Jiraiya asked, gesturing towards the still-masked ANBU. "New recruit or something?"_

_The masked jounin replaced his forehead protector over his Sharingan eye and announced, "You may remove your mask, Cat."_

_Cat nodded and dutifully removed her mask before bowing to Jiraiya. "Yugao Uzuki, newly-instated ANBU of Konohagakure," she introduced._

"_Is your hair really like that?"_

_Yugao looked down at the young Naruto, who was frowning at her hair color. "Yes, it is," Yugao confirmed._

"_I think it looks really pretty!" Naruto exclaimed, his eyes wide and a goofy, innocent smile on his face. In Jiraiya's humble opinion, Naruto was the ultimate chick magnet._

_Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on one's outlook – Yugao Uzuki was an ANBU and did not give in to her desire to squeeze the boy's cheeks and squeal over how adorable he was. "Thank you, Naruto Uzumaki."_

"_How do you know my name?" Naruto asked, his face scrunched up as he stared at Yugao. "Oh wait, the old man told you didn't he?" Yugao nodded and gave the youngster a small smile._

_She never noticed the gleam in Naruto's eyes._

"_Well, I'm sure it took you two a while to get here. The Hokage doesn't need a response immediately, does he?" Kakashi shook his head. "All right. I'm sure you guys want some rest, so eat whatever you want. Come on, Naruto." Both apprentice and teacher left to train, but only Naruto glanced back._

"_Well, I'm beat. I'm going to sleep. Have fun, Yugao. Don't take too long in the shower. Jiraiya-sama can be pretty stingy with his money." Kakashi then ditched Yugao as well, intent on getting out of the kitchen before _it_ started._

_Yugao Uzuki blinked as her superior left her alone and went to sleep at sundown. It was still fairly early in the day and Kakashi was much stronger than she was. Why would he be tired?_

_After a few moments, she disregarded that issue and went to get a snack. She was pretty hungry..._

_The purple-haired kunoichi opened a cupboard at random and got a face full of some kind of gunk. It smelled like fruit, but stuck to her hair and skin. "What the...?" she muttered, trying to get the stuff off of her._

_She failed. So, she decided to get some water to try and rinse the odd gunk off of her skin and hair. In her distracted state, she completely missed the tripwire right next to the sink._

_Pellets of paint – or paintballs, as Naruto called them – shot from wherever Naruto had hidden them. Some hit Yugao, but she skillfully avoided most of the volley. She couldn't really tell where they were launched from._

_She grimaced at the bright orange paint on her skin and ANBU armor. The odd gunk was painfully pulling on her hair, too. Did Jiraiya plant all of these traps for use against intruders...?_

_No, they weren't lethal. Yugao was sure that the mansion would have more powerful traps against intruders. The traps she had been attacked by were simply annoying._

_Yugao stood still, wondering what to do. How much of the kitchen was booby-trapped? She narrowed her eyes and began to inspect the area around her. She couldn't really see anything._

"_There you are..." she muttered in slight triumph. She might've been a new recruit for the ANBU forces, but she was still a powerful ninja. A tripwire on the tap's handle was nothing._

_Carefully, she disarmed the string and jumped back, waiting for whatever hellish attack it would unleash._

_Nothing happened. That was confusing. Yugao tilted her head and walked up to the sink. She inspected the tap before shrugging and flicking the handle._

_Outside, Naruto was panting as he tried to evade his godfather's attacks. A muffled boom surprised Jiraiya, giving Naruto enough of a reprieve to take a breath... only to lose it by bursting into laughter. Even Jiraiya began to laugh heartily._

"_So how many is that?" the toad sage asked with a wide grin on his face._

"_If Kakashi counts twice, then that would be eight. I thought ANBU were supposed to be the elite, Jiraiya-ojisan?"_

_The teacher shook his head in amusement. Well, ANBU were certainly the elite of Konoha, but Naruto was a whole different guy to go up against. "Go take her to the shower and disarm the rest of your traps. You might as well take a bath with her though. She's pretty." Jiraiya winked at his godson._

"_Really? Hell yeah! I hope her boobies are as giant as baachan's!"_

_Jiraiya guffawed. Best. Godson. Ever._

**VvVvV**

(Chunin Exam Preliminary Room)

The Hokage was standing on a raised platform with several chunin behind him. The jounin of the passing teams, as well the Exam proctors, were standing in front and to the side of the Hokage. The genin who had successfully passed the second exam were in all lined up in front of the older shinobi.

Several genin were thinking various things about how many teams had passed. Seven teams had passed the second exam, although some of them looked better than others.

Some teams were staring doubtfully at the others. Some teams were downright glaring at the others. Tenten was scowling in Naruto's direction, for example. He probably deserved that, though.

The Hokage cleared his throat in order to get the attention of the genin that had passed. "Now, I'm sure Konoha's academy has already educated her ninja on what the Chunin Exams are truly for. As for the rest of you... does anyone not have an idea of why these exams are run?"

"As the Kazekage's children, we were taught about such things at a young age," Gaara stated in a bland voice.

"We're not prestigious like that, but our sensei's already told us about the real reason," Samui added, glancing towards Darui, who was standing near Kurenai.

The Sound ninja remained silent even as the Hokage's piercing eyes rested on them. After a few more seconds of waiting, the Hokage began to speak again. "So we're all aware of why the Chunin Exams are held. It's better to make money than to squander it, after all. Now, where is he..."

All of the genin bar Naruto had confused expressions on their faces as the Hokage tapped his foot impatiently. The old man pulled up his sleeve and checked his right wrist, where a watch was fastened.

There was a boom and smoke billowed from a spot on the floor, and a woman with blonde pigtails rose from her crouched position. She had a green haori on over a gray, kimono-style blouse that had no sleeves. Several of the males in the room gawked at the attractive figure the kunoichi had.

"Bah, I can't believe the brat suckered me into coming here," Tsunade mumbled. She folded her arms over her impressive bust and gave the genin a smirk. "I guess I have to deal with you children. You should all be proud of yourself for passing the Forest of Death."

The room was silent. Some of the kunoichi had stars in their eyes at seeing such a well-respected woman in their midst. The males had stars in their eyes too... but for different reasons.

"Hell yeah we are, baachan!"

Tsunade was suddenly among the genin, grinding her knuckle into Naruto's head. "What the hell have I told you about calling me that, Naruto?!"

"I-It's not my fault! Blame Ero-sennin! It's all his fault!"

The Hokage groaned and shook his head. "Tsunade, if you would..."

Tsunade stopped what she was doing and walked back to her former position like nothing had happened. "All right, brats. We're going to hold prelims because too many people passed."

Naturally, people started complaining. A vein bulged in Tsunade's forehead before she slammed her foot into the steel floor, causing the entire building to shake ominously. "Shut up! I swear, the younger generation whines about everything!" She snorted to herself. "Does anyone want to forfeit?"

There was silence for a few moments before Naruto slowly began to raise his hand-

"Not you!" Tsunade snapped. "You're not allowed to forfeit!"

"Oh come on! This isn't even fair!"

"Shut up, Naruto!"

The genin really were confused at this point. Some of them were pretty much expecting it due to previous exposure to his eccentricity, but the other genin were very unsure of Naruto. Who the hell disrespects high-caliber ninja, anyway?

The jounin from Otogakure frowned slightly, but quickly corrected his facial expression before anyone could notice anything.

"Now then, would anyone like to forfeit?" Tsunade asked again. Her response was Naruto's grumbling. "All right then. We have an odd number of people here, so I'm going to randomly select someone to go to the next round. You!"

Gaara blinked and pointed to himself. "Me?"

"Yes, you! I owe the Kazekage some money, so you're going to the next round as payment," Tsunade declared.

"How is that random?" Karui asked, tilting her head at the legendary kunoichi. Gaara had two other siblings, didn't he?

"It's not, but I don't care since I'm the proctor," Tsunade replied, grinning victoriously. "Now, since there are twenty people left, we're going to hold ten matches. If you think you're going to lose, forfeit the match. Same goes if you're dying, going to die, or feel like you're through."

"Do it before you're dead though," Naruto added. Tsunade gave him a dry look before clearing her throat.

"Now, look up there." An electronic scoreboard appeared on the wall. Tsunade gestured grandly to the thing. "This board will choose who will fight first!"

There was a beep and two names appeared on the scoreboard. One was Sasuke Uchiha and the other was Omoi of Kumo. "Everyone but those two brats get out of here," Tsunade demanded.

The jounin all joined their teams and went up the stairs to the viewing floor. The metal railings provided something to lean on in addition to the wall behind it. The Hokage and proctors moved away as well.

Sasuke and Omoi took positions opposite of each other. Tsunade raised one of her arms and called out, "Begin!"

As the two ninja began to fight, Kakashi leaned down slightly to Naruto's ear. "Did you successfully do it?" he whispered.

"Of course I did. Who do you think I am?" Naruto replied, just as quietly. He glanced over at Kurenai, whose fingers were definitely twitching towards one of her supply pouches. "See that? After these matches..."

Naruto's lecherous grin was mirrored by Kakashi. Nobody could see their perverted expressions, though. They were all too focused on the battle taking place before them.

Omoi handily defeated Sasuke. Which was odd, considering Sasuke's advantage in the form of his Sharingan. In that particular battle, the Sharingan had been his downfall.

Rather than fight the Sharingan head-on, Omoi wiped a finger on the stone floor of the arena. Then he used his sword to whip up the dust on the ground and send it in Sasuke's general direction.

Sasuke wasn't really prepared for such an unorthodox move, especially at the speed at which Omoi unleashed it at. In the end, Sasuke was knocked out as he was wiping the dust from his eyes.

Really, that's what happened. Ninja were supposed to fight dirty.

Tsunade nudged the fallen Uchiha with her pinky toe. "Huh, I guess he's out cold. Omoi of Kumo is the winner!" Ino and Sakura gaped in disbelief as Sasuke was carted out of the room by medics. "All right, next up is-" the board pinged, "-Rock Lee – am I reading this right? – and Kiba Inuzuka!"

There was an exuberant bellow from Lee's sensei as Lee jumped down onto the enclosed battlefield. Both sensei and student studiously ignored Tsunade's mumblings about Lee's full name.

A whoop and a bark followed them as the jacket-wearing Inuzuka jumped down to the floor as well, excited to fight a fellow ninja. There was some talk, but the two threw themselves at each other soon after Tsunade started the match.

"Eh, Caterpillar is going to win," Naruto nonchalantly stated, yawning widely as he watched Kiba duck under a vicious kick.

"Why do you think that?" Kurenai asked, glancing over at the slightly shorter blond.

Naruto was suddenly next to Kurenai, causing Hinata to jump slightly and Shino to shift uneasily. Naruto stretched up so he could reach her ears. "Well, Caterpillar's got a superb fighting stance, heavy weights on his arms and legs, and has an additional year of experience," the blond whispered.

The genjutsu mistress stared at Lee for a few seconds before sighing to herself. "I think you're right. Kiba is still far too arrogant for his own good."

The Uzumaki was sorely tempted to grope her as she turned her back to him... but no, he had to restrain himself. Charming others took time and he wasn't about to waste effort by making a harebrained move.

Just as Naruto had predicted, Lee knocked Kiba on his ass. Since Kiba was the main participant and not Akamaru, Kiba lost. The Inuzuka just had a few bumps and bruises and walked up to the balcony, his mood considerably worse than before.

The board pinged once more, revealing the names of a Kin Tsuchi and a Shikamaru Nara. Attractive kunoichi, lazy shinobi. Naruto thought that it had the potential to be interesting.

"Shikamaru's going to win," Naruto finally declared. This time, Asuma stared at him quizzically. The blonde Yamanaka snorted to herself and crunching noises could be heard from the Akimichi.

"Please, the bum over there doesn't even move when we do missions," Ino said, rolling her eyes at the idea that her lazy teammate could actually win anything.

Indeed, it seemed as if Shikamaru was on his way to losing the match. Kin really knew what she was doing, it seemed. It was an interesting way to cast a genjutsu, but Naruto had seen similar things before.

"Wait, I've always wanted to try this." Naruto grinned and then yelled out, "A Nara's mother is always some sort of bother!"

Shikamaru flinched and then enacted a super-clever plan. He knocked Kin out by smashing her head onto the wall of the arena. He did it by controlling her body movements through his shadow.

Kakashi grumbled to himself and handed Naruto a stack of bills. The blond counted them out and smirked at the baffled expressions that Asuma, the Yamanaka, and the Akimichi had.

"Hey! Are you gambling up there?" Tsunade called. There was some chuckling from the other proctors, as well as from the Hokage. Then the Senju remembered that it was never smart to gamble when Naruto was nearby. "Never mind. Next match is between Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka!"

The two kunoichi made their way to the arena floor, glaring at each other. They were about to exchange customary banter that always occurred before the battle, when Naruto interrupted. "Cat fight! Be sure to tear some clothing off, Bubblegum!" he called.

Kurenai seriously considered putting an illusion under Naruto. The Kumo shinobi were pretty much used to his behavior, while some of the younger males grinned.

"That is very unyouthful behavior, my friend," Lee announced.

"Oh please, what that leads to is the most youthful behavior of them all," Naruto replied, throwing a grin towards a confused Lee. Guy deflected Lee's attempts at asking precisely what Naruto meant.

The battle was very disappointing. Really, it was a damn shame considering that they were supposed to be kunoichi. Naruto really expected more.

No articles of clothing had been torn off at all! _What a tragedy_, Naruto thought, shaking his head mournfully at the failed opportunity.

Kankuro was up next and his opponent was Samui. The puppeteer just couldn't keep his eyes away from her chest and ended up being defeated because of it. Whoever said ordinary distractions weren't good enough against ninja?

Tenten and Karui fought each other afterward. When they got to their positions, they waited for a few seconds after Tsunade had told them to begin. Then, they turned back up to the balcony with confused expressions on their faces.

"Why are you staring at me?" Naruto asked, perturbed at their behavior. "I mean, I know I'm amazing, but what's the problem?" Sakura punched his arm, finally beginning to get annoyed. Powerful or not, blatant chauvinism annoyed her.

Blatant chauvinism annoyed every girl ever, but being careful about it meant it was more endearing. Well, occasionally – it had certainly helped Naruto avoid his fair share of mobs.

Mobs of angry women, that is.

"I expected you to make some kind of stupid comment about this fight, especially after what you did in the academy hall," Tenten said, glaring at Naruto with enough intensity to burn through wood.

"What did he do, Tenten-chan?" her sensei asked, turning his head and giving Naruto a stern look.

Karui peered at Tenten, watching her hands clench and unclench. Obviously, she was having an intense battle with herself. It was either get Naruto in trouble and relinquish some of her pride, or keep her pride and not get Naruto into trouble.

"You did it again, didn't you?" Karui asked, frowning up at Naruto.

"I really have no idea what you're talking about, Karui-chan," he said. He rubbed his chin and shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Did I offend you in some way, Panda-chan?"

Tenten's eye twitched. Her eye twitched pretty violently, to be honest. "Tsunade-sama, do I get disqualified if I attack people up on the railing?"

"That depends. If you're attacking Naruto, we might promote you out of principle. But really, get on with your cat-fight."

Tenten gaped at Tsunade and then at Naruto before sighing to herself and brandishing an extremely large scroll. "Oh, we're fighting now? Nothing else you want to say?" Karui asked, a smirk on her face.

"Not right now, but I will get him back," Tenten said through gritted teeth. Again, Gai peered at Naruto. He gave the Uzumaki a questioning glance, but Naruto didn't utter a response.

Tenten ended up losing. No, it wasn't because of Karui being from Kumo. It was because flinging around objects that were highly conductive to electricity was a bad idea against someone who knew Lightning Release techniques.

Ordinary kunai were electricity resistant. They didn't conduct electricity very well because that was stupid. They were ninja weapons and had to have less weaknesses, especially when the life of the wielder was depending on it.

Tenten just chucked every metal object she could think of. That was where she had made a critical error.

"Very intuitive, Naruto," Kakashi muttered.

"Was I thinking out loud?"

"No, I read your mind." Naruto rolled his eyes as Kakashi chortled to himself. A slightly burnt Tenten was taken from the room to be treated.

Temari and Hinata made their way to the floor next. "What's with the cat-fights?" Naruto asked, suddenly feeling confused. "I mean really, do you think that guys are afraid to hit girls or something?"

"Don't blame me," Tsunade said. "Blame the damn electrical scoreboard! I'm not the sexist one here!"

The Suna kunoichi eyed the Hyuuga heiress. She was timid, had poor posture, and seemed to retreat into herself. "Are you really afraid of fighting?" Temari asked.

"N-No... of course not," Hinata muttered, ducking her head even lower.

There was a scoff from above. It wasn't hard to tell that the other Hyuuga in the room had hard feelings towards the heiress. Naruto had hard feelings towards her as well, but they were a bit more clandestine in nature.

Stuff like that was considered taboo in modern societies, after all.

Temari sighed to herself. "You know, I'm surprised you aren't afraid of the Kumo-nin. Wasn't there something crazy that happened here, years ago?"

Hinata raised her head. "W-Well, that was so long ago and I was able to get through that with help from counselors. Neji-niisan also had help..." There was another growl from above.

Naruto rubbed his chin. Huh, so that was why both of the Hyuuga weren't acting too violent or emotional towards his Kumo buddies. That was good; it meant that there was less drama for him to deal with.

"Are you two going to fight, or what?" Tsunade asked, raising an eyebrow. "Come on, I don't have all day. There's a casino that has a slot machine with my name on it."

Hinata got into her Gentle Fist stance, her eyes narrowing slightly in determination. She wasn't afraid of fighting; she was just a bit gentler than most ninja. That wasn't a bad trait to have, was it?

Temari just swung her fan in response. It was a pretty impressive attack, but Naruto had seen it quite a few times before. For each of those times, he had been on the receiving end of the attack.

Hinata stood no chance. Long range attacks beat close range attacks almost every time. Plus, Hinata was still a rookie in her ninja career. Unfortunately for her, Temari wasn't.

"Winner, Temari of the Sand!" Tsunade called. The medics came in, did their thing, and took Hinata out. She was bleeding slightly from the cutting wind of Temari's attack.

Tsunade waited as Temari took her spot next to her siblings. The scoreboard revealed the names of the next two fighters: Shino Aburame and Zaku Abumi.

Zaku could do some sort of modified wind technique with air pressure jettisoned out of holes in his hands. It was pretty obvious he had undergone extensive and painful modification.

"You know, the sad thing is that there's a technique that does the exact same thing he's doing that requires much less painful rehabilitation," Naruto murmured. Kakashi nodded, knowing exactly which technique Naruto was talking about.

The battle ended explosively, with Zaku's arms being blown off. Hilariously enough, Tsunade healed him right on the spot. That was strange, considering how she hadn't really intervened with the others and how Zaku was from Otogakure.

After that, it seemed as if Zaku had, all of a sudden, a new-found respect for Tsunade. Insults regarding Konoha ninja stopped coming out of his mouth as well.

Insults towards Zaku from his mummy-like teammate began to start, however. Their sensei seemed displeased at what Tsunade had done, if the slight scowl on his face was anything to note.

Dosu Kinuta and Chouji Akimichi were selected next. The rotund boy turned into a giant, rolling ball. It was pretty quick too, but he ended up losing. Dosu had some kind of advantage with his Melody Arm.

A rather sick-looking Akimichi was escorted back into the stands. Although he was dizzy, the medics decided he wasn't too damaged, nor was he in any immediate danger.

"So it seems like you're facing Gai's final student. Please win this, Naruto. If you lose, I'm never going to hear the end of it from Gai," Kakashi said, giving Naruto a stern look.

"Don't sweat it, Kakashi-sensei. It'll be easy," Naruto asserted. He jumped down to the metal floor below and landed in a crouch, a wide grin pasted on his face.

Neji Hyuuga simply scoffed and made his way down the only way he knew how – like a polite aristocrat. The Hyuuga weren't really royalty, but damn did they act like it. Although, that didn't mean they couldn't be arrogant asses at times.

The two somewhat-genin took their positions across from each other. One had a cheery grin and the other had an arrogant smirk. "I would say you should forfeit, but you don't seem weak," Neji began.

"Thanks?" Naruto raised an eyebrow at Neji's odd declaration.

"Unlike my cousin, I'm fated to fight and defeat stronger and more worthy foes," the elder Hyuuga continued.

"I'm not sure, but I think you're indirectly saying Temari-chan's weak," Naruto replied with a frown. He ignored Temari's rather audible growl. "I'm going to ignore the fate remark, too. Fate is so boring. Seriously, why try in life if you believe everything is predetermined? Do you think the strongest ninjas of the lands would've been where they are if they hadn't tried?"

Neji paused and decided to listen to reason. Well, that was one thing... if he hadn't tried, then he wouldn't have mastered several higher-level techniques of the Hyuuga Clan. "Regardless, I am still forced into _serving_ my family members," Neji spat.

The enunciation on that certain word caused Naruto's thoughts to suddenly click and he realized just who he was dealing with. "Oh, you're part of the branch family, aren't you?" he asked.

Neji's response was to dash forward and attempt to seal Naruto's chakra points. As his palms made contact with Naruto's body, they simply phased through, as if the blond was a ghost.

The Hyuuga backed away, perplexed at Naruto's odd ability. "Go ask your uncle about the truth behind what happened all those years ago. Not my Kumo buddies up there though; they have no idea what really happened."

"We don't?" Omoi asked.

"No, you don't," Naruto said, peering up at Omoi. "A Hyuuga ANBU I once knew told me what really happened. I thought it was pretty inspiring." He paused and watched as Neji again tried to strike him. "I guess I'll have to beat you into submission and drag you to your uncle, eh?"

There was a growl and Neji narrowed his eyes. "Why can't I hit you?" His Byakugan was active, but all he could see was a thin layering of chakra around him and a mass in front of him.

"Ninjas trust their eyes too often," Naruto said, rolling his own. "I swear, it's like people don't know anything about hiding." The chakra layering that Neji could see vanished and Naruto brandished a red, staff-like object that was nearly its wielder's size.

"Oh, crap!" Samui uncharacteristically cried.

"Oh gods, he didn't," Karui added, shaking her head frantically.

The genin all stared at the two Kumo kunoichi. Temari decided to elaborate. "That's his telescope..." she murmured. "I can't believe he's going to use it."

"Telescope? What?" Kurenai asked. What kind of a weapon was a telescope?

"Swords are overrated," Naruto said, throwing in his own opinion. "Besides, I'm the Peeping Fox! This thing suits me just fine!"

When Neji went in for the attack, he found himself parried by the deft, one-handed swings of Naruto's... telescope. It was pretty demeaning to be defended against by such a thing.

Neji aimed for a chakra point in Naruto's shoulder that was batted away. A palm strike was diverted and Neji received a light smack to his ribs as punishment. Straight-arm snaps were redirected and sharp jabs were delivered to the Hyuuga prodigy's stomach.

He gasped and fell to his knees as the pain of those powerful jabs caught up to him. Despite Naruto's odd getup, behavior, and general silly attitude, he was _strong_. Strong, quick, and nimble, not to mention incredibly difficult to actually hit.

Running away from angry women, both ninja and not, was great exercise for such a thing. Hiding from those women helped very often, too. Jiraiya was hard to find and hard to root out as a spy for that very reason.

A seal briefly shined on the telescope before it extended to nearly double its previous length. Naruto swung the thing low, smashing Neji on his side and sending him flying to his left. The staff shortened until it was about half of its previous size.

"Had enough yet?" Naruto asked, giving his opponent a cheeky grin. "I would say something about how predestination is completely and utterly stupid, but I feel like that job isn't only up to me." Neji made to get up, but there was a loud crack and he entered the realm of unconsciousness.

On top of Neji's head was a large bump. Naruto's telescope vanished and he smirked at his fallen foe. "Well, that was entertaining for about a few minutes." He sighed dramatically. "I wish he was faster, though."

Tsunade smirked at Naruto. "Winner: Naruto Uzumaki!" The medics did their thing and Tsunade took out a bag from somewhere. "Now, pick a paper," she said. The nine passing genin each picked out a small strip of paper.

Each paper had the numbers one through nine and would determine who fought who. Tsunade had had enough of that sexist scoreboard anyway.

"Should I be amused that I got one?" Gaara stated, frowning slightly.

"Nah, I got nine," Naruto said.

"Three," Shino muttered.

"Yosh! I got two!" Lee stated, beaming brightly.

"Five," Temari muttered.

"Six," Shikamaru lazily said.

"Four," Karui announced.

"Seven," Samui declared.

"I'm ten," Omoi added. He began chewing his nails as he thought about how ridiculous the third exam could possibly be.

"And I'm eight," Dosu rumbled.

A blank piece of paper appeared in Tsunade's hand and she jotted down some writing. "All right, here are the match-ups:

"First round: Gaara of the Sand vs. Rock Lee.

"Second round: Shino Aburame vs. Karui of Kumo.

"Third round: Temari of the Sand vs. Shikamaru Nara.

"Fourth round: Samui of Kumo vs. Dosu Kinuta.

"Fifth round: Naruto Uzumaki vs. Omoi of Kumo.

"You will be fighting these individuals in a tournament next month. Spectators will be watching you and judging your performance, just so you know. The strongest berserker can win the tournament, but not be promoted. Even if you lose, you can still be promoted to chunin. It all depends on how worthy you are of being a chunin. It's not something to take lightly," Tsunade finished. "Enjoy your month-long training break."

The genin all blinked and dispersed. Naruto saluted the Hokage and Tsunade before vanishing in a swirl of wind just before Kakashi reached him. "Damn it!" he cried. "Naruto, get back here! You're the only one who can make those seals!"

"What seals?" Tsunade asked.

"They're some super special, extremely useful seals," Kakashi explained. "Only Naruto knows how to make them. I was hoping to ask him because they're very useful."

"Really?" the Hokage asked walking up to the two. "They don't happen to be his peeping seals, do they?"

Tsunade's expression twisted into a dangerous one, complete with a sickly-sweet smile. It was oddly reminiscent of Anko's...

"No, of course not," Kakashi said. "I'm above that kind of thing. Well, I guess it's time for me to go and find Naruto. I'm his sensei, after all."

"Oh, no!" Tsunade snarled, reaching out to grab Kakashi. She knew very well what the peeping seals were. She and Shizune had had quite the few experiences with them.

Tsunade ended up grabbing a log. How Kakashi got a log, nobody would ever know.

**VvVvV**

Naruto and Kakashi were sitting with Anko as she stuffed her face with dango. She really loved that stuff. Almost as much as Naruto loved his ramen, but Naruto had to be careful so that he could obtain the nutrition he needed.

"So, why are you two smiling like that?" Anko asked, gesturing towards the shit-eating grins on the shinobi's faces.

"You were right," Naruto stated, grinning widely. "Kurenai really is a closet pervert."

Kakashi nodded sagely. "Oh yes, most definitely. I didn't even think someone like her could do those things."

"How did you do it?" Anko asked, genuinely interested in how the two shinobi could peep on a kunoichi's private time and not get caught.

"It was simple. Everyone doubts the utility of seals because they're oh so hard to learn." Naruto smirked triumphantly. "Simply use a vision seal that emulates the effects of the Byukagan and you have a front-row seat. It was... so awesome."

"Oh yes," Kakashi agreed. "I didn't even think she had those things in her possession. She was such a good girl when she was younger, too."

Anko snorted. "Seriously? Huh, I never would've thought... me, maybe, but I'm not that bad."

"Naruto got her bra size, too," Kakashi offhandedly said.

This time, Anko burst out into laughter. "I fucking knew it! You just have to do it, don't ya?" She snickered some more, extremely amused at Naruto's antics.

The blond simply shrugged. "It's good to have references. Then you know how to treat them when you take them out."

"That doesn't really make sense since you're too young for that kind of stuff," Kakashi said. "But, I'm glad you're learning early. Your father would be so proud!"

"Your mom might kill you though," Anko mused. "Oh yeah, she would definitely kill you."

Naruto shrugged again. "You can't fault me. I was raised by Jiraiya."

Kakashi and Anko rolled their eyes, but agreed nonetheless.

* * *

**No, Naruto does not have space-time jutsu. He's a trickster. Also, telescope imbued with seals for the win! I'm throwing out the sword!Naruto cliché. Staves are so much more interesting.**

**Read, review, and make sure to tell me if there are any errors!**

**EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed some wording. Thanks again to fermontie.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Busy, busy. Someone said there was a large time skip or something in the last chapter and I say... what...? Where? I don't understand. Read and Review, please!**

* * *

Chapter Four: Wind Chimes

(Flashback, Age Seven)

_Naruto was a condensed, bubbly bag of cheerful happiness. That was what his godfather thought at the moment, strange descriptions be damned. His godson probably had enough energy to outrun his late student._

_That was an amusing thought. The great Minato Namikaze, outperformed in speed by his own brat. It was certainly possible since Naruto was ridiculously hyperactive._

_His mind was wandering though. He had a mission to do. Jiraiya couldn't just leave Naruto behind in the mansion all alone, so he dragged the brat along to some town near some coast. The Toad Sage was to meet with a contact within Kirigakure no Sato._

_It was a gigantic pain in the ass to obtain that spy, by the way. Jiraiya never let his sensei stop knowing that. His old sensei had better be damn happy Jiraiya was even managing to meet with the guy._

"_Jiraiya of Konoha?"_

_The Toad Sage looked down and saw that Naruto was gone from his side. In fact, the energy-charged youngster was up in the face of an older boy who was with a tall man and some adolescent with smooth hair._

"_I thought it was just going to be you, Zabuza," Jiraiya amicably remarked. He found it funny that Naruto was bouncing on his heels around the older boy, adolescent, and even the tall man known as Zabuza, the Demon of the Mist._

_Never mind the fact that he had a huge sword (whoa it's so cool!) or the fact that the man was an ANBU-level killing machine of Kiri (you're an assassin? That's so awesome no-brows!). Naruto was just... not a very fearful person._

"_I thought it was just going to be you too, hermit," Zabuza grunted out in reply. "Who's the brat?"_

_Naruto glared at the Demon of the Mist for that comment. "I'm not a brat, damn it! I'm a full-fledged ninja of Konoha!" he announced._

_The teenager next to Zabuza, who was wearing a full body gray suit, a light blue flak-jacket, and a Kirigakure forehead protector, chuckled. "You? A ninja of Konoha? You're younger than Haku here." The teenager ignored Zabuza's scowl._

"_So then who are you?" Jiraiya asked, directing his attention to the teenager. Genin teams weren't always similar in terms of age, but Zabuza never seemed like a ninja who would accept a genin team; not to mention the possibility that the group of three were missing an additional brat._

"_He's Utakata and his master insisted on sending him here," Zabuza tersely explained. He turned to Utakata and Haku. "You two, leave. The hermit and I have things to discuss."_

"_Naruto, follow them," Jiraiya added absentmindedly. He shrugged at the suspicious look Zabuza gave him. "What? He's just about eight. He's not going to hurt them. Besides, he needs to get rid of some of his energy, in case you haven't noticed."_

"_Fine," Zabuza grit out. "Now, you never answered my question."_

_Whatever Jiraiya was about to say was lost on Naruto as he chased after Haku and Utakata, who both quickly left the area on orders from their superior._

"_Hey, hey! Wait for me!"_

_Haku rubbed his forehead, despite the fact that he had a forehead protector on. "Utakata-san, what do we do?"_

_Utakata sighed, not really caring about the situation. "It's not like a kid can do any damage to us. Besides, I'd be more worried about Jiraiya."_

"_Why?" Haku asked. He didn't have much knowledge on how powerful Jiraiya was supposed to be._

"_Oh, ojisan's a really powerful ninja," Naruto answered. Haku started at the blond's appearance while Utakata frowned._

"_How did you...?"_

"_You guys weren't looking," Naruto explained with a cheeky grin. Really, when people were talking they never actually did pay attention to their surroundings, ninja included. No one expected a child, ninja or not, to sneak up on them._

_Utakata raised an eyebrow while Haku looked visibly chagrined. "So are you Jiraiya's apprentice?" he asked._

"_Nah, he's my-" Naruto paused and scrunched up his face in a possible-thoughtful expression. "He's my guardian," Naruto stated, remembering what his godfather had said about sensitive information._

_Well, "guardian" was still rather sensitive, but the term was fairly broad._

"_I see..." Haku warily said. "Are you just going to follow us?"_

"_Yep."_

"_Why?"_

"_'Cause I'm bored. Besides, ojisan and no-brows-"_

"_You shouldn't call Zabuza-sama that," Haku chided._

"_Why not? He has no eyebrows, so I'm going to call him no-brows."_

_Utakata snickered at Haku's slightly furious expression. The boy was too kindhearted to become legitimately angry at anything. "Calm down, Haku. I think that might be... Naruto, right? Naruto's way of showing respect."_

_Naruto tilted his head at the word "respect". That word didn't exist in his vocabulary._

"_So, you think you're an actual ninja?" Utakata prompted. Naruto wasn't wearing a forehead protector, but since he was with Jiraiya, he was probably associated with Konoha._

"_I _am_ a ninja!" Naruto insisted, glaring at the senior Kiri-nin._

"_Ninja are supposed to be more mature and in control of their emotions," Haku noted. Granted, the supposed Konoha-nin was still a small child. Haku himself was relatively young. Out of the three who were walking along the street, Utakata was the only one who could probably kill his heart and assume the traditional shinobi role._

_Naturally, Naruto snorted. "That's not what Kakashi-sensei and ojisan told me."_

_The teenager raised an eyebrow that was hidden behind his bangs. Kakashi of the Sharingan, possibly? That was doubtful, though. No way a kid his age could know both Jiraiya of the Sannin and Sharingan Kakashi. It was complete bullshit._

"_What did they teach you?" Haku queried, adopting a polite tone once more._

"_Emotions are awesome because then you can recognize a sexy lady! Maybe like you in a few years!"_

_Haku's face burned. Utakata burst out into laughter, unable to control his mirth at all. The ability of a young child to recognize a "sexy lady" never even crossed his mind._

"_I'm a guy, damn you!"_

_Not the way he – or possibly she – was screaming._

**VvVvV**

(Konoha – Hot Springs)

Naruto was walking down the street with a slight slouch in his posture and his hands in his pockets. It was the ultimate careless walking stance. Kakashi had taught his sensei's son well.

He was heading to the Konoha Hot Springs. Now, considering that it was fairly warm in the afternoon, Naruto didn't expect many women – kunoichi or not – to be bathing themselves. Then again, people did tend to get dirty in the middle of the day and being clean was always a priority.

Maybe he'd find that attractive nurse that took care of his godfather after Tsunade had beat him into oblivion once again. That nurse was very... curvaceous.

A cheesy grin spread through Naruto's face as he neared the hot springs. He quickly found _his_ fence and crept up to it. The pseudo-genin silently plopped down and put an eye up to the hole he and his godfather had created primarily for peeping.

He was greeted with quite a sight. Then again, that opinion was coming from a boy who was raised by Jiraiya, who was one of the most perverted men in the continent.

Regardless, it really was quite a sight. Naruto could see a few civilian women and kunoichi cleaning their bodies. Some of the women were helping their close friends clean themselves up as well, much to Naruto's extreme delight.

The blond's hand strayed down, down, and down. He slipped his fingers into a pocket and took out a notepad and a pencil.

Like Jiraiya, Naruto took _extremely_ detailed notes regarding the aesthetic quality of a woman's body. In fact, Naruto would go as far as to say he was better at it than his godfather was, something that Jiraiya would probably admit to with great pride.

Luckily, Anko wasn't there. He had... promised not to peep on her. Naruto suppressed a frown at that; he didn't like promising not to peep on certain females. But, since she wasn't there, he had free reign.

With quick, deft strokes obtained from vast experience, Naruto quickly detailed a scene inspired by what he was currently viewing. He was lucky enough to see Hana Inuzuka in there, too!

Actually, that might be a problem. The steam meant that there was high humidity in the air, which meant odors were more readily found and identified, which meant...

_Ah, crap._ Naruto frowned in consternation. Yeah, just his luck. He had even seen that hot nurse in the baths! What was her name again? Otoha?

The danger level had drastically increased, though. He could outrun Hana, though. If her mother had been there...

Naruto involuntarily shuddered. He didn't think he'd survive that encounter. It would probably be worth it, though.

Just then, he saw Tsume Inuzuka walk in, drop her towel, and join her daughter in the pool of steaming water. Naruto's senses screamed at him and he slowly rose from his sitting position. He backed away from his fence very, very slowly...

His efforts weren't good enough. He caught a glimpse of both Tsume and Hana sniffing the air with narrowed eyes. They muttered something to the other women, all of which sank into the water so that their assets were obscured.

That wasn't a big deal at the moment. Naruto's life was in danger and he had to get away before he was caught.

He jumped as a slightly wet hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Going somewhere, brat?" a distinctly feminine voice growled.

"Actually, I have an appointment with old man Hokage," Naruto smoothly replied. One of the better ways of escaping a woman's wrath was to be smooth and not nervous. In reality, most civilians would laugh at that, but it tended to work for Naruto.

Tsume, who had somehow been able to put on a robe, barked out a laugh. "I've seen better excuses from my son, brat. Give me a reason why I shouldn't throw you to the dogs."

The blond pervert wondered if the Inuzuka Clan in general actually tried to include canine jokes when they were talking.

"Well, I'm in the finals of the chunin exams so and I'm going to be representing Konoha," Naruto quickly explained.

The Inuzuka clan head raised a brow and spun Naruto's body around. Her daughter, who was right behind her, squealed in adoration. "Naruto! You little jerk, why didn't you tell me you were here in Konoha!" she cried, rushing over to him and gleefully wrapping her arms around his frame.

The Uzumaki couldn't help but grin. Being hugged by an older teenager who was only wearing a bathrobe with nothing underneath was just awesome. He had to restrain himself from attempting to cop a feel, though. No need to get his junk clawed off.

"Who's this?" Tsume asked in bewilderment. She didn't really recognize the guy in his odd getup. That hair was familiar, though. It reminded her of someone from the past, as well as a certain person who was prone to peeping on women.

Hana finally let go of Naruto. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, apprentice to Jiraiya of the Legendary Three," he formally explained. It was extremely difficult to keep the perverted grin off of his face.

"You're traveling with _him_? Wait, do you know...?" Tsume gave Naruto a questioning look. She already knew he was the Kyuubi jinchuriki.

"What, the bit about my parents? 'Course I know. It's not like old man Hokage would keep something like that secret from me, considering who I am." Tsume gaped at his dismissive tone.

"Huh... I can't say I'm surprised you turned out like this. Your parents would kill you, though."

"Yeah, my mom would probably throw me off a roof or something," Naruto replied, rubbing his chin in thought.

"Wait, wait," Hana interrupted. "I don't understand what's going on here. Aside from the fact that Naruto's... y'know, why are you treating his parents like a secret? Actually, who _are_ your parents, Naruto-kun?"

"Their identities wouldn't be a secret if everybody knew who they were," Naruto said with a grin. "Ask some of the clan heads. I'm sure one of them will eventually be too drunk to realize what they're saying. I'd tell you, but it's getting late and I have to go."

"Wait just a moment! You're not off the hook yet!" Tsume snarled, reaching out to grab Naruto's wrist. Her hand went right through his wrist, much to her surprise.

The apparition grinned cheekily at Tsume and thumped its chest before pointing a finger at Hana. Then it faded away like a ghost.

"When did he do that?" Tsume bit out. She was irritated that she hadn't been able to properly punish a hormonal teenager for perving on her and her daughter. It was a small compliment though. Her body must still look pretty good despite her being a mother and an older woman.

"I didn't even realize he was spinning an illusion," Hana remarked with a frown. She sighed to herself. "I wanted to hang out with him a bit more..."

Tsume snorted and left her daughter to her daydreams.

**VvVvV**

Nearby, Naruto watched as Tsume and Hana left the area. Less humidity meant he was harder to track. That, and he had an uncanny ability to fool anyone if he really tried.

"That was too close..." Naruto mumbled. Maybe he should train some more... but after such a close call, he couldn't really dredge up the desire. He had already woken up early to blast some of his energy anyway.

Then his stomach conveniently rumbled. That in particular meant it was lunchtime, which meant it was ramen time. Maybe he'd actually get to visit that ramen stand he used to go to when he was younger and still lived in Konoha.

Throughout his life, Naruto had tasted quite a bit of ramen. Each village had stands that made the broth with subtle differences. That led to each broth having a distinct taste that no one but Naruto would be able to tell.

He didn't really gorge himself on ramen like he did when he was younger, but he did allow himself to have a treat every now and then. Since he was back in Konoha, why not check out its premiere ramen cooks?

It was time for a refresher on how they made their ramen. He remembered the ramen in Konoha being especially amazing, but it had been so long. Had it withstood the test of time? Was Konoha's ramen really that amazing? Would the waitress be incredibly attractive after so many years?

Naruto was in such deep thought about a freaking ramen dish that he didn't really notice the girl who was right in his path. With a rather loud _smack_, Naruto and the girl both went tumbling to the ground.

Nothing had been dislodged, so Naruto sat up with a slight groan. Thickheaded or not, that girl had been running pretty quickly. Usually, he was more aware of his surroundings. Maybe Omoi was rubbing off on him...

That wasn't a pleasant thought.

"Ouch... watch where you're going!"

Naruto opened his eyes and rubbed his aching head. Directly ahead of him was the kunoichi of Otogakure from the Chunin Exams. "I wasn't the one who was running, you know," Naruto told her. He got to his feet and offered a hand to the fallen girl.

She slapped it away and arose on her own accord. Naruto's eyes did pick up tear trails on her cheeks, though. It seemed as if he had to deal with an emotional pubescent girl. What was worse was that she was a kunoichi, making such a thing several times as dangerous as it normally would've been with an ordinary civilian teenager.

Well, Naruto _could_ just be on his way. Too bad he wasn't that callous and insensitive. His godfather's teachings floated into his head and Naruto snapped into must-help-female mode. "You're Kin Tsuchi, aren't you? Are you all right?"

Kin sniffed and glared at the offending male. "I'm fine. I don't need some tree-hugging Konoha ninja helping me."

Naruto gave her a dry look. "You realize you were beaten by a 'tree-hugging Konoha ninja', right? No offense."

The Oto kunoichi scoffed. "I don't need help. Go bother someone else," she said again.

The blond sighed at her stubbornness. For some reason, it felt very familiar to him. Did he know someone who was extremely stubborn? Nonetheless, he shook his head. "You know what, you're not all right. A crying girl always needs to be cheered up, regardless of allegiances. How about I take you out for some ramen? I was on my way to get some right now."

The kunoichi sniffed again before looking around and relenting. "Fine. Is there any place more uh, _hidden_, than a ramen stand?" Her tone was surprisingly pleading.

Naruto stared at her with an unreadable expression. "I have a hotel room that's pretty out of the way. I have some food stashed there as well. Follow me." There was a time to be silly and a time to think on things.

Based on the way she was acting, Naruto guessed that her safety was being threatened or that it had something to do with what was going to happen in the future. Gaara and his family had been quite helpful in that regard.

So, he led her to where he was staying. Naruto was sure, had his godfather been around, that innuendos and congratulations would be issued, but thankfully, he wasn't. Jiraiya was probably doing important work, such as putting the finishing touches on his next book.

"Why does a Konoha ninja live in a hotel?" Kin asked curiously. She was slightly apprehensive since she technically would be considered an enemy, but the boy – Naruto Uzumaki was his name – seemed to be a trustworthy fellow. For some reason, she felt more at ease around him than she did back in Otogakure, despite how odd he acted back in the preliminary rounds.

"Technically, I don't _live_ here," Naruto amended with a sheepish chuckle. "I actually traveled a lot when I was younger. I was born here, but moved around pretty often."

He got a skeptical look in return. "Your parents must be pretty loyal for the Hokage not ask questions," she noted.

"I'm an orphan. My guardian's job was to train and care for me. It was sort of a favor he owed my parents," Naruto explained.

_He_. So the boy knew Tsunade somehow, but was raised by an unknown male guardian. It was odd. "You're an orphan? You sure don't act like it," she muttered.

"I'm an optimist," Naruto replied with a grin. "It helps you live longer, you know."

Kin snorted, a small smirk appearing on her face. The great majority of ninja in Otogakure were orphans and all of them were depressing individuals. Very few Oto-nin were pleasant to be around. Actually, practically no Oto-nin was pleasant to be around.

"So are you thinking about what made you..." Naruto trailed off meaningfully. Based on the disappearance of her smirk, she might've thought back to her tears.

"Otogakure isn't exactly a nice place to be raised in," Kin bluntly said.

"Eh, it has its ups and downs." Naruto paused to take in Kin's shocked face. "...What? Is there something on my face?"

Her face morphed into suspicion. "What do you mean, 'it has its ups and downs'? How would you even know something like that?"

Naruto blinked. He and his big mouth... He cocked his head. "All ninja villages have their ups and downs. All ninja are expected to sacrifice themselves for their villages, right?" he offered.

She accepted his excuse with a nod. She was probably still somewhat suspicious, though. "Well, you do say you're an orphan..."

"Probably one of the worst."

"What? Why?"

"I, uh... kind of got on everyone's nerves through gratuitous usage of pranks. Thankfully, people forget about that stuff the next time some interesting gossip pops up," Naruto admitted.

That would've been a nice stress reliever. Too bad if she actually attempted to do so she'd be killed pretty quickly. Oh, now she was reminded of her plight again...

"But anyway, back to what was making a pretty girl such as yourself so sad."

Kunoichi of Otogakure did _not_ blush. They either attacked would-be wooers or they led them to their room... which was where the unsuspecting male would be attacked anyway. Kin was no different in that respect.

Instead, she replied normally. "It's sort of... a secret." She sighed to herself. "In the end, I guess my life wasn't worth as much as I thought it was. I'm just another tool to be used."

That message struck a chord with Naruto. Of course, every attractive female ever (and quite a few with nice personalities and voices) struck something within him. "Why is your life forfeit?" he softly asked, his eyes filled with an immense amount of concern.

Kin looked away from his deep, cerulean eyes. They were making her uncomfortable. It was as if every mask that she had put up to protect herself was removed and her soul was stripped bare for him to see.

It had taken quite a while for Naruto to master that particular ability. Soulful eyes were always useful.

"I'm a sacrifice," she muttered, vaguely aware that she was betraying her leader. "I'm going to be sacrificed in some jutsu that can resurrect long-dead ninja."

It was nothing he didn't already know. At least he had a chance to save an attractive female. Hero complexes could be useful too, even if they were detrimental to self-preservation most of the time.

"So then why did he tell you this now and let you run around afterward?" Naruto asked, sounding slightly confused.

The Oto kunoichi seemed surprised. "Well, if I refuse I'm dead either way. He gave me a _lot_ of money to splurge on over the next month. I'm pretty much done for when the Chunin Exam finals roll around though. At least I can go shopping for once..."

Naruto's eyebrows rose. Orochimaru had some weird mentality going on in his brain. At least he knew how to bribe people. Monetary funding did always have a way of loosening lips.

"You could go to old man Hokage. Just drop my name and Gaara's name."

"Your name and the name of that weird Sunagakure genin? Why?" The suspicious look was on her face again.

The blond shrugged. "It's not like the Hokage _doesn't_ know there's going to be a Sand-Sound invasion during the finals. Seriously, he's the damn Hokage. Did you expect him to do absolutely nothing despite the amount of information he's gathered from his own spies? Yeah, that's smart. Let's all let innocent civilians burn to death."

"W-What? How-"

"-do I know about it?" Naruto chuckled to himself. "I'm just that amazing. I'm not one to drop subtle threats or anything though, so... want to go to the old man's office right now?"

Although she was dazed by what she had just heard, Kin nodded. Naruto took her hand in his and led her towards the Hokage's office.

No one even saw them enter or leave his hotel room. Naruto was just awesome like that. No one ever expected the obvious.

**VvVvV**

A slight wind blew, causing some nearby wind chimes to musically ring. The sun was sinking in the horizon, bathing the land in splashes of orange, yellow, and red. It made for an extremely picturesque scene.

It could've been described as almost... romantic. Too bad Naruto wasn't there to take advantage of it.

Jiraiya sat on a mat near Tsunade. There was nothing romantic about their get-together. It was more like a formality given the amount of information Naruto had managed to pilfer; not that Jiraiya and the Hokage didn't already know what he had found.

"So, he plans to resurrect the past Hokage..." Tsunade began, staring up at the sky. She was frowning. Learning that your dead relatives were going to be brought back to the world in order to wreak havoc on the home they had sacrificed themselves to save was a sobering bit of knowledge.

Jiraiya nodded sagely. He really didn't want to incur Tsunade's wrath with a witty comment. Not yet, at least.

Suddenly, the Slug Sannin quickly turned to him, causing Jiraiya to flinch back. "Did you see how much damned money Orochimaru gave her? How the hell does Orochimaru have that kind of dough to begin with!?" Tsunade shouted.

The Toad Sage cringed at the volume of her voice. He cleared his throat. "Well, I'd assume it's because he's in direct control of a village that owns a fortune large enough to make a daimyo squeamish."

"I'm so angry right now!" Tsunade slammed her hand on the ground, causing cracks to spread away from her fist. "That damned fool doesn't even share it with us? I bet he has top-quality sake stored away somewhere!"

Jiraiya frowned. "He's going to resurrect your dead relatives and you're more annoyed at the fact that Orochimaru has a lot of money?" Jiraiya was annoyed as well, but he and Orochimaru didn't really have the same interests. Jiraiya liked heterosexual porn while Orochimaru liked science experiments. To each his own, he supposed.

"Oh, like you're not angry? He's going to try to summon Minato!"

"Minato's soul was sealed by the Death God, remember? I doubt Orochimaru has the jurisdiction to drag him out of the God's stomach," Jiraiya calmly replied.

Tsunade paused. "Am I right in assuming that you and sensei have a way to stop him? I'm going to be preoccupied when it happens."

"Yeah we've got it pretty much figured out," Jiraiya airily stated. "I wonder what we're going to do with the girl, though. Her chakra points were closed off by a Hyuuga immediately after she had admitted to having some information regarding Orochimaru's plans."

"The brat does have a strange sixth sense when it comes to things like that," Tsunade remarked.

Jiraiya's face lit up in a grin. "Seriously, I'm so proud of him. Inviting an enemy kunoichi into his room without getting maimed or otherwise harmed and then finding out important intel right afterward."

Tsunade shot him a warning look. "It wasn't like that. You heard the way he said it. There is no way he would act like that if anything had happened. Naruto can't get maimed, by the way. I should know." She had tried before; several times in fact.

"No, that's the thing! No damage at all and he even managed to make her speak simply by using words!" Jiraiya beamed. "Damn, I'm an amazing teacher. I might not be as great as a seduction artist as I was in my prime, but Naruto's carrying on my legacy! Once he gets older he can reverse-seduce enemy kunoichi with ease!"

"Huh?" was Tsunade's intelligent response. She was so confused that she didn't even notice Jiraiya scribble some things down in his notebook.

The Toad Sage put the notebook away before Tsunade could destroy it. "We never told you this, did we? Naruto's amazing at getting people to talk. It's some kind of natural charisma. I think he got it from his father, but he's incredibly good at it."

"So then why the seduction? It's a pretty rare and dying art... oh, I know why." Tsunade glared heatedly at her former teammate. "Are you just brainstorming ideas for your next novel, you old pervert?"

The man waved his hands in a placating manner. "I'm just saying, Tsunade-hime! You never know when it'll come in useful. He's sure going to have kunoichi lining up, though. Just like Minato..."

"Minato wasn't one for polyamory, in case you've forgotten."

"Well, I'm sure Naruto's first time won't be with just one woman. I'm sure that'll fix the problem." Jiraiya's voice was smug and proud. His former student only went for one girl and, beautiful as she was, that was pretty boring.

Sure, having his former student become Hokage was awesome. He got to rub it in Orochimaru's pale face and he got to put down that "fuck yeah" notice on every single one of his published books for quite some time.

But Naruto was much more interesting and consequently, much more of a hassle. However, the ability to pass on his peeping ways to an apprentice who readily accepted them was even better. Given Naruto's drive and how well-versed he was in the ways of the Super Pervert, Jiraiya was sure the boy would eventually usurp his father in both the ways of love and the ways of the ninja.

"Problem?" Tsunade dryly commented. "Of course you would think marrying a single person for love is wrong."

"Of course it's wrong!" Jiraiya sputtered indignantly. "People always insist on keeping the love to themselves! Why do you think there's so much war and hatred?"

"You've got to be joking," Tsunade mumbled, rubbing her forehead. "You can't be that sexist."

"I'm not. You're just assuming that I'm of the belief that only men should have multiple female partners."

Surprise was evident on Tsunade's face. "You're not?" Perverts were supposed to be sexists... right?

"Hell no," Jiraiya easily replied.

Tsunade took her searching gaze away from her teammate's face and stared back into the darkening sky.

"It's totally cool for women to have multiple female partners too."

* * *

**Utakata was a quick burst of inspiration. Why the hell not? Also I chose Kin because I wanted to do the silliness with Orochimaru's money. Also Jiraiya sexism. I'm not sexist, by the way.**

**Please leave a review or send me a PM if there are any errors, continuity, spelling, grammar, or otherwise, and if there are any typos I missed.**

**EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed two errors.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm pretty sure some people are going to get annoyed at this chapter. It's not something I usually do. Next chapter the plot should be moving forward.  
**

* * *

Chapter Five: Flowers

(Flashback, Age Eight)

_A writing utensil was dipped in ink. It hovered briefly over a scroll before the hand holding it lowered. Light, quick scribbles appeared on the paper, each mark neat and tidy. Some might think that the writer was a wizened scribe who excelled in the art._

_Too bad they would be completely and utterly wrong. The one who was actually writing would probably laugh in their faces if those thoughts were voiced._

_Sealing was Naruto Uzumaki's heritage. Both of his parents excelled at the craft when they were alive, as did his godfather. So, in order to show them all up, he needed to be an even greater seal master than they had been._

_That was much easier said than done. Naruto's primary problem regarding sealing was that his handwriting sucked. He was only a child; how neat could his handwriting be?_

_Luckily, hours upon hours of practice had made the Uzumaki's writing look amazing. Even Jiraiya was impressed with the progress. They hadn't even delved into the actual sealing arts yet to boot!_

_Naruto finished the final character and placed the utensil down on the desk. "I finished, ojisan," the youngster announced._

_The Toad Sage looked over the writing. It was really surprising that his godson now had such neat handwriting. Just another point in his teaching capabilities, Jiraiya mused._

"_Well, I think we can start studying seals now that your handwriting doesn't suck," Jiraiya jibed._

"_His handwriting looks better than yours, hermit."_

_Jiraiya's cheery visage twisted into an expression of irritation. "Gee, thanks for the compliment, Roushi," he sarcastically replied._

_A man with red hair, odd armor, and a beard gulped down the rest of his alcohol and threw the man a grin. "If you wrote with as much clarity as you do with seals, then I'd have a much easier time reading your material. Some of that shit's gold, but sometimes it gives me a headache proofreading it."_

_Naruto giggled at the dramatic way Roushi shook his head. Jiraiya mock-glared at his godson, but shrugged. "Eh, it puts food on the table and lets me finish my works quicker. Besides, you honestly can't complain, can you?"_

"_Ojisan's right, Master Roushi. The only things you like more than alcohol are those awesome books," Naruto chirped._

_Roushi gave Jiraiya a scathing glare. "Those books aren't meant for kids his age," the man said with a hint of steel in his voice._

_Jiraiya frowned. "I thought you of all people would've understood, Roushi," he replied._

_He shrugged in response. "I actually do agree with what you're doing, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to corrupt him so early. What would his mother say if she was still alive?"_

_The toad sage shuddered, not really wanting to think about it. Kushina would castrate him and then attempt to painfully slice off his fingers with a butcher knife. She'd probably keep him awake to watch the whole thing too._

"_You knew my mom?" Naruto asked, tilting his head at Roushi._

_The Yonbi jinchuriki snorted. "'Course I did, brat. She and her husband helped iron out a set of agreements after the war. I don't think my dad was happy about that, though. They were pretty harsh on Iwa."_

_Naruto jumped out of his seat and went right up to Roushi's face. "Why aren't you attacking me? You're from Iwagakure and you know I'm the Fourth's son, so why aren't you going all crazy and stuff?"_

"_Someday you'll learn that some people just don't give a shit."_

"_Eh?"_

_Roushi smirked at Naruto's confusion. "Not everyone cares about revenge. Most of the people who the Yellow Flash directly affected were older idiots who aren't foolhardy enough to attack a former Hokage's child. For all they know, you could be much more powerful than seen at first glance."_

_Plus, there was the unfortunate side effect of, you know, causing a war. A war that Iwagakure wasn't really willing to participate in. The Yellow Flash had smashed them _good.

_Naruto blinked. "What about the others? Like, the people who are around my age?"_

"_They've probably grown up hearing scary bedtime stories about how the Fourth Hokage will get them if they don't go to sleep," Jiraiya drawled. He had an impish grin on his face._

"_Yeah, I used to say that to my niece. 'Go to sleep Kurotsuchi-chan or else the Fourth Hokage will devour your flesh!'" Roushi said with an impish grin on his face._

_Jiraiya snickered at that. His old student returning from the grave as a zombie and scaring young children would be pretty funny. It would probably be a killer movie, too. He needed to write that down somewhere..._

"_That doesn't mean your dad doesn't have any enemies. Desperation makes people do crazy things. I'm pretty sure a ninja of his caliber had some people who would like nothing more than to kill you and wreak petty revenge on Konoha," Roushi added. "In fact, considering that you're a jinchuriki, that would probably go double for you."_

"_Let them try!" Naruto yelled, jumping up on top of a nearby table. He pointed out into Roushi's kitchen. "I'll take on anyone who wants to fight me, you know!"_

_Roushi gave Jiraiya an amused look. "He has that verbal tic as well?"_

"_Oh yeah, he's definitely Kushina's son," Jiraiya easily replied. "He looks like a little Minato, but he acts like Kushina. In fact, I'm surprised he doesn't want to try to punt my ass back to Konoha."_

_The Yonbi jinchuriki rolled his eyes. "All males are perverts, regardless of who they are and what kind of front they try to put up. Denial of this fact only means that you're a closet pervert."_

"_Definitely," Jiraiya agreed. "All right, Naruto, get down from there. I want you to sign something."_

_Naruto was down from the table in a flash. "Do I finally get to sign the toad summoning contract? Do I? Do I? Please tell me I get to sign the toad summoning contract!"_

"_You get to sign the toad summoning contract," Jiraiya deadpanned. Naruto cheered in jubilation._

_Roushi stopped the perverted sage from summoning the contract holder. "Get the hell out of here. You idiots aren't ruining my retreat just because you want to teach a little brat how to summon tadpoles," the man growled._

"_That's a good idea, Master Roushi," Naruto commented. "If Jiraiya-ojisan accidentally demolished your house he would run away so he wouldn't have to pay for anything." By that, Naruto meant if he himself accidentally demolished Roushi's house._

"_Aren't you filthy rich?" Roushi inquired._

"_Nah, I just say that."_

"_He's lying and a selfish bastard," Naruto muttered with a shrug. Then, in a burst of brilliance, the boy left the room and headed outside._

_He was smart enough to attempt summoning outside rather than inside. It was better not to invoke his senior's wrath._

**VvVvV**

(Konoha)

Sakura Haruno never really expected to go far in her career. Really, she had become a ninja only to follow Sasuke Uchiha and to prevent her former friend from getting her claws on him.

Now that she thought about it, breaking apart a friendship based on a crush was really immature. But, she was a teenager and damn it, Sasuke Uchiha was her true love!

Still, it was pretty embarrassing that she hadn't been able to beat her former friend during their designated match. Hell, her former friend had tied with her. At least it was better than Ino winning.

Sasuke had lost, though. He had lost in the preliminary round to a Kumo ninja who didn't belong to a clan. When Sakura went to console Sasuke, she found him out of his bed and gone. Her sensei must have taken him somewhere.

That assumption was true. Kakashi had taken Sasuke out for some extra training so that he would shut up and stop blathering on about losing. If you expect so much of yourself, don't blame everyone else when you fail.

No one likes a poor sport, either.

"Mom, dad! I'm home," Sakura announced after opening the door and entering her home. Immediately, she heard the loud laughter of her father, as well as another voice that was fairly familiar.

Sakura walked into the house's comfy, ordinary-looking living room and saw Naruto chatting it up with her parents. She gawked at how both her father and her faux-teammate were laughing.

"Welcome home, Sakura!" Kizashi Haruno said. "Your mother and I were just having a nice chat with Naruto here. Did you know that he's been to every one of the great ninja villages?"

The pink-haired kunoichi's mouth was still wide-open at her goofy father. Mebuki, her blonde-haired mother, clucked in disapproval. "Sakura! Don't stare at our guest like that!" she exclaimed.

"It's all right, Mebuki-san," Naruto said. "People do tend to compliment me on my looks."

Kizashi chuckled at Naruto's lack of modesty. "Not completely like your parents, are you? You still aiming to top them?"

"Of course I am. What child doesn't want to one-up their parents?" Naruto replied with a wry grin.

Sakura finally got some semblance of control over her faculties. "W-What's going on? How did you know where I live? How do you even know my _parents_?" she all but shrieked.

"Inside voice, Sakura," Mebuki chided gently. Sakura flushed in embarrassment. Parents always had a right to do that kind of thing to their children, no matter how old they were.

"We met Naruto during one of our missions before we retired," Kizashi explained. "Little guy managed to dye my hair orange after he failed to burn it off."

"_What_?"

"It's a long story," Naruto admitted. "Needless to say, I used to have a habit of playing pranks on people when I was younger. I think I've curbed it pretty well as of recently, but people's reactions are so funny that I sometimes prank them anyway."

"He didn't like your father's hair color," Mebuki dryly added. "So, he thought that orange would look better."

"And he succeeded? Dad, did you let yourself get hit on purpose or something?" Sakura exclaimed in disbelief.

"You don't exactly expect anything surprising from an eight-year-old," Naruto stated. "I just play on people's doubts. I was already a genin-level ninja when we first met, anyway."

Again, Sakura gaped at Naruto. The guy was a genin at age eight? It was sort of expected since he was apparently the great Jiraiya's apprentice, but it was still surprising. It was very rare for a child to be quickly pushed through the academy and allowed to be a ninja early.

No, it wasn't because of the possible perceived trauma. It was more like Konoha didn't want their children to be sent out into the field when they weren't ready. There wasn't a point in needlessly killing useful ninja.

"So you've been a genin for years longer than my class and I. Why aren't you a chunin yet? Shouldn't someone like you be a chunin-level ninja already?"

"He's a ringer," Mebuki said with a roll of her eyes. Retired ninja or not, she still understood that ninja cheated in everything. Tournaments, card games, spars... you name it, they've cheated it. Some people – and this included Naruto – more than most.

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I was sent to make the village look good. Konoha ninja love their money, you know?" The blond blinked and then scowled at himself.

Mebuki's lips twitched at the verbal tick before she stood up. "I think I'll begin getting dinner ready. Would you like to stay over, Naruto?"

"Well, I don't want to be-"

"Nonsense!" Kizashi boomed, suddenly appearing next to Naruto with an arm over the shorter male's shoulder. "You're welcome here anytime, Naruto!"

"You better not cause any trouble," Sakura quietly, but harshly whispered. She clenched her fists in a silent proclamation of pain should Naruto try anything inappropriate.

Naruto got the message. Kizashi, however, did not. In fact, he saw Sakura's mood and thought of a quick way for her to release any pent up anger she might have. He knew how hot his daughter's temper could boil.

"You know, dinner won't be ready for another hour even if I help your mother, Sakura. Why don't you two go into our backyard and spar? I'm sure Naruto could teach you a few things. Don't you still want to beat Inoichi's daughter?" Kizashi mildly remarked.

Any response Sakura had was drowned out by Naruto's eager cry. "That sounds fun! Sakura-chan, let's go! I've been told I can teach kunoichi well..." Without waiting for her agreement, he grabbed her wrist and dragged her out.

"No, wait- What the-" Sakura was so confused at Naruto's motions that she was already outside before she had a grasp on her bearings. "I don't even want to spar!" Sakura exclaimed. She raised her fist threateningly at Naruto.

She got an extremely sad, puppy-eyed look from Naruto. His eyes were so wide, so blue, so _damned cute_ that she felt her anger melt. She groaned in exasperation. "Fine, we'll spar. I might as well get some practice so I can show Ino that I'm a better kunoichi than she is..."

A _ping_ went off as Naruto smiled widely enough to show off his white teeth. He was more in approval of the possible chance to watch another cat-fight, though. "Well, what can you do? Did Kakashi-sensei ever say anything regarding your skills?"

Sakura shifted her position and uneasily looked around her backyard. It was a wide, large backyard, perfect for sparring and the use of non-destructive techniques. There were some trees, a nearby pond, and some bushes. The sun was sinking in the horizon, but they still had some daylight to burn.

"Well, Kakashi-sensei said I was a genjutsu-type..." she began uncertainly.

Naruto frowned. "Well, that's a shame. I can't use genjutsu. I just have no talent at all with them." Besides, who needed illusions when Naruto could just drive the enemy crazy with silly banter?

The blond was very good at annoying people and provoking them into doing stupid things. It was just funny watching his opponents scream at him, especially when they were covered in itching powder.

"Although, your mother did voice her disapproval at your focus on seducing Sasuke," Naruto mused. "I never would've thought you were their daughter, even if your surname is 'Haruno'."

Sakura huffed. "Is that a problem, idiot?" Naruto noted that she was getting defensive.

"Well, not completely. I mean, your mother and father were pretty serious ninja before they retired. I'm surprised they even let you pursue meaningless childhood infatuations."

The kunoichi was absolutely seething at this point. A perverted guy was telling her that her true love was meaningless and that it was a childhood infatuation?

"Although, I think we can work with that. Your rivalry with that Yamanaka blondie could work in your favor. Rivals tend to make each other reach higher and higher heights," Naruto continued. Those heights could truly be glorious if he could just...

"Fine," Sakura bit out. "What should we work on?"

"Well, let's see just how good you are at hand-to-hand." Sakura tensed at that. "Don't worry, I won't try to trick you or anything." Naruto gave Sakura a disarming smile.

"You're not going to show off any bright, flashy techniques?" she asked in a mocking tone.

Naruto frowned at her. "Why would you think I have bright, flashy techniques? Well, I _do_ have bright, flashy techniques, but I'm not going to show them off to you. I doubt you even have the aptitude to do them, considering how they're all tailored for people like me."

"Aren't genin supposed to learn jutsu that can save their lives or complete a mission quicker?" Sakura was beginning to get even more irritated than she currently was. She was the top kunoichi of her class!

"Well, yes, but genin are supposed to brush up on their chakra control, tactics, and fundamentals. Do you seriously see genin throwing around high-level elemental techniques? Of course not," Naruto lectured. "Usually, genin are introduced to beginning clan or family techniques, as well as other lower-leveled things like that."

If they were good at those things, sometimes they were introduced to more advanced attacks. It also didn't mean that a genin couldn't seek guidance from a different teacher who was willing to show them how to use higher-level techniques if those genin were deemed ready for them.

In demonstration, Naruto put his hands together and slowly went through the sequence of hand-seals necessary to use a Grand Fireball Technique. He exhaled a small ball of flames into the air, where it fizzled out.

"That's the technique Sasuke can use," Sakura noted.

"Yeah, but it's meant for a chunin to use. All Uchiha are – err, _were_ – great at Fire Release techniques. That's a pretty generic thing though, considering our location. In this village," Naruto said, gesturing out with his hands, "many people are born with chakra naturally attuned towards attacks that use fire in some way. I wouldn't be surprised if you were like that as well."

She absorbed the information, surprised that Naruto wasn't actually fighting her and _very_ surprised that Naruto wasn't making any perverted comments. She didn't think the guy could be serious.

"So then, would I be correct in saying that your chakra is attuned towards fire?"

"Nah," Naruto cheekily replied. "My chakra's attuned to wind. Surprising, right? But finding out that kind of stuff is for those who are higher up on the ladder. We're just going to fight hand-to-hand, especially since you were fighting that cute blondie up close."

The blond watched as Sakura resettled her body into some kind of fighting stance that he didn't care to identify. "By the way, for every mistake you make, I'm cutting off a piece of your dress."

Pink hair vibrated as Sakura shook in anger. Then she flinched as Naruto appeared in front of her, goofy smile on his face, and fists swinging.

She found out pretty quickly just how Naruto could cut things without using sharp objects. Afterward, when she went back inside to eat, her sweaty body and torn dress merely elicited a grin from her father and a stern look from her mother.

Naruto simply walked up to the dinner table and plopped his rear down. Sakura went to clean herself up and put on a new dress before returning to the kitchen where her parents were serving dinner.

The entire time, Naruto ignored her harsh glares and exchanged jokes with her father in between bites of delicious food.

The blond left soon after dinner was finished, finally leaving Sakura alone with her parents. "Why didn't you guys say anything?" Sakura asked. She was still freaking pissed off.

"About what?" Kizashi asked, tilting his head quizzically.

Sakura gestured to her clothes. "My dress! I know it was meant for ninja work, but it was all torn and everything! Didn't that imply anything?" she exclaimed.

Mebuki appeared taken aback. "I think your parents would know that you wouldn't do such a thing, young woman. Naruto wouldn't allow that to happen either; he's too much of a sweetheart."

"You're... you're... kidding me, right? Naruto was the one that did that!" Sakura cried. Luckily, he hadn't removed anything too revealing. She didn't know if that was his intention or if he was teasing her.

Although, there was that one moment when his hands had strayed a bit too close to her rear for comfort. She'd almost managed to hit him that time with female fury-fueled fists.

Every female had a sort of sixth sense for that kind of thing.

An amused chuckle filled the air and her father was wearing a wide grin. "I don't think he'd do that. He's a bit eccentric, yes, but he carries with him the charisma and kindness of his parents," Kizashi stated.

Sakura's curiosity got the better of her and she held off on screaming "he's a damn pervert!" in her father's face. "You mentioned his parents before... who are they?"

"Kizashi," Mebuki sharply said, interrupting her husband before he could say anything.

Her husband sighed. "That tone reminds me of when we were discussing age-old traditions the last time we dined with them. You know, Sakura, that an arranged marriage for you and Naruto was actually proposed?"

"Are you serious?"

"Of course not," Kizashi replied with a laugh. "Can you imagine, though? Fortunately, his parents never were for tradition. Given how free-spirited their son is, I can't imagine how terrible such a thing would be. He'd probably run away rather than be shackled to something like that."

"Tell me the name of his parents," Sakura demanded. She was tired of the ambiguity.

Mebuki stretched. "Oh, will you look at that? It's time for bed, Sakura-chan."

"It's getting late, Sakura," Kizashi said. He got up and walked up the stairs with his wife. "Don't forget to lock the door!" he called.

Sakura rubbed her forehead in exasperation. "It seems like you have some mystery behind you, Naruto Uzumaki..." she muttered.

"No I don't!"

She jumped and scanned the room around her with emerald eyes. She saw absolutely nothing out of place.

Fearing for her chastity and privacy, Sakura quickly locked the doors of her home and ran to her room. She ignored the outspoken part of her mind that liked the attention.

**VvVvV**

(Bathhouse)

Steam billowed out of the hot water, giving the area a pleasant and relaxing atmosphere. There were several women already enjoying the hot spring, a few of which were housewives of children from the recently graduated academy class.

A few kunoichi were also bathing their bodies. Some were helping each other scrub away the dirt and grime from a long day of training, or from a mission out in the field. Any male would instantly pass out from blood loss due to nosebleeds.

Naruto was not most males. In fact, he had a very special way to bypass the threat of women finding out he was scrutinizing their tantalizing bodies.

His godfather had always cursed him for that special skill, for it couldn't be dispelled unless hard, blunt trauma from a female was applied. Naruto couldn't be hit if he didn't want to be hit though, so his special skill was perfect for, ah, research.

A voluptuous blonde bombshell strode confidently into the bath. She dropped her towel, revealing smooth, unmarred, slightly tanned skin and a figure most women would kill for – or at least undergo surgery for.

Large, firm breasts and toned abs accompanied a mischievous smirk and blonde hair that was wrapped up in a bun. Her electric blue eyes scanned the women relaxing in the pool of hot water before her smirk widened into a lecherous grin.

Why settle for watching from a distance when you have the ability to gaze closely without being beaten to a pulp?

This time, it looked like she got lucky. That attractive ramen waitress was in the water, along with that blonde Yamanaka heiress.

Naruto's Transformation technique went beyond ordinary perception. His chakra was so strong that it could actually craft a true, sturdy physical body over his male one. In short: he was actually female at the moment and that included some of the unpleasant hormones that came along with it.

When he had first crafted the technique, the physiological changes had driven him crazy.

Literally.

Males and females had different chemicals floating around in their bodies for a reason. One was meant for childbearing and the other was meant to run away when receiving news about childbearing.

His godfather had noticed his strange behavior and brought him to Tsunade, who had been nearby at the time, conveniently enough. Soon afterward, his technique was revealed, much to the amusement of Tsunade and the glee of Jiraiya.

Naruto was considered a scientific anomaly yet again.

The excuse of using the technique as a means of pranking people and not as a means of perversity was enough for Tsunade to back off, but she did make sure he... twisted the technique a bit. It was enough for him to retain his sanity and not end up being locked into a female body.

The Kyuubi helped as well. Using its chakra, which was attuned to his male body, was enough of an anchor to never really get locked into his female body.

Don't get Naruto wrong. The female body, to him, was beautiful. It was a work of art. That didn't mean he wanted to be a kunoichi. He just wanted to be closer to any sources of inspiration. Plus, who the hell wanted to experience that dreaded time of the month? He sure didn't. His godfather's stories were scary enough.

So, he was able to retain a completely sane, masculine state of mind while transformed. That was a good thing, too. Naruto liked to remain in control of his thoughts and of his mind. How else was he supposed to avoid scrutiny while admiring different women?

"Naruto, did you actually...? Oh, sorry," a voice said. 'Naruto' opened her blue eyes and turned to look at the ramen waitress who had spoken to her. "I thought you were someone else."

That highlighted one of his problems. Naruto couldn't, for the life of him, remove the markings on his cheek when using this particular technique. It was something about the Kyuubi influencing him when he was in his mother's womb, but they were completely engraved on his face.

Naruto could sure lie his ass off, though. "Oh?" 'Naruto' said, her musical voice floating in the air. "Who did you think I was?"

Ayame scratched her cheek and laughed sheepishly. "It's just that you look like a customer of the ramen stand I work in. You even have the same markings on your cheeks that he does," the waitress explained.

"Naruto Uzumaki, right?" Ayame nodded in response to her words. 'Naruto' slid closer to Ayame so that she wouldn't be talking from a distance. That would just be rude. "He's my brother. I'm Naruko Uzumaki. Who might you be?" Naruko asked.

Let it be known that when it came to names, Naruto had absolutely no imagination. In fact, whenever Naruto decided to create some silly, random technique out of thin air, his godfather had to name it for fear of it being called something incredibly stupid.

No Hokage had dumb sounding techniques. Their techniques needed to be called something badass. One of the Fourth Hokage's techniques was _Flying Thunder God_ for crying out loud.

Ayame furrowed her brow in confusion. When she was much younger, her father usually spoke about a young boy who gorged himself on ramen whenever he and the Hokage came to visit. Never had a sister or a relative been mentioned.

"I'm Ayame," the waitress introduced, giving Naruko a friendly smile. "I'm sorry, but you really look like him aside from the, uh..."

Naruko smirked and puffed her chest out, putting her hands on her breasts and bringing them close together. "They're just boobs, lady. I'm just luckier than others," she remarked.

"Truly a gift from the gods," Ayame noted, her face reddening slightly at the other girl's lack of modesty. The waitress' own eyes involuntarily slid down to Naruko's breasts before looking down at her own, smaller ones.

The blonde caught the movement and with a sly smile, moved closer to Ayame. There was also another perk to the technique that Naruko absolutely loved.

Men were not touchy-feely. That was just how society was. Women and kunoichi on the other hand accepted and welcomed contact from female friends and comrades, so long as nothing aggressive and hostile was involved.

"You know, having these is more of an inconvenience than anything," Naruko whispered, trailing her fingers over the fleshy mounds on her chest. "The attention really is annoying, especially when every guy thinks that I'm just going to fall over for them."

"Men usually don't think with the brain they're given," Ayame nervously said, not taking her eyes off of Naruko's fingers. They were moving over the skin sensually and the ramen waitress was captivated despite herself.

Naruko's fingers left the breasts and slithered over Ayame's left shoulder. She shuddered at the contact; the fingers were sending small tingles down her spine.

The blonde moved closer. "And the shoulder and back pain can really get on my nerves. My brother helps me sometimes with those, though..."

"What?" Ayame gasped out, shuddering even more as Naruko's nimble fingers moved down her back. It was going a bit far for even female contact, but Naruko's musical voice and her caring, soft touch erased all of Ayame's apprehension.

Pressure points were pressed and Ayame let out a moan of pleasure. Clearly, she was in heaven. Who knew that Naruto had a sister that was this skilled with her fingers? Maybe she was working too hard...

"You shouldn't spend too much time working," Naruko chastised. "I can tell based on the tension of your shoulders that you've been stressed at times. Although, a little pleasure and relaxation can go a long way.."

Another moan. Ayame's heart was hammering in her chest. There was nothing truly sexual about the massage, even if it was pleasurable.

Naruko whispered more words in Ayame's ears, causing the waitress' eyes to widen slightly. Her hands were never still, moving from flesh to flesh and continuing their pleasant ministrations even as Naruko began to end her massage.

No one noticed what was going on. Naruko was quite subtle and as such, was able to... aid... Ayame to her heart's content. Letting loose words regarding her 'brother' was merely a plus.

She was a master manipulator. She couldn't force anyone to do anything, but she could bring certain emotions out. She simply sped things along, never hinting towards anything definite. Her targets made any assumptions themselves.

Despite the heat, Ayame shivered when Naruko's hands finally ceased their movements. Her face was flushed and she was smiling contently. In her daze, she never questioned whether or not Naruko was crossing certain boundaries with her words and actions.

Naruko's chin rested on her shoulders. "You're cute, Ayame-san... maybe we should get together some time? My brother is nice, but I like girls too, ya know?" Naruko nuzzled the side of Ayame's face and giggled as the ramen waitress froze.

The blonde left the pool, draped a towel around her body and gave the rest of the women there a once-over. Then she headed out, back to her hotel room.

Ayame remained in the pool. She was an ordinary ramen waitress and hadn't ever experienced something like that.

She didn't swing that way, though. Regardless, she wanted more.

Somewhere nearby, Naruto, male body restored, grinned perversely. Fanged canines gleamed in the moonlight. Oh, how great it was to be one Naruto Uzumaki...

* * *

**Sakura gets bashed way too much. It's honestly a cliché at this point. It's an anime guys, take her actions with a grain of salt. Arranged marriages are also pretty damn annoying in my opinion.**

**Also, Sakura's mom is blonde. Her father has pink hair. That's pretty ironic, isn't it? I like Sakura's father though. Coolest hairstyle ever.**

**I did try some new things out in this chapter.  
**

**Read, review, and leave me a message/PM if there are any continuity errors or errors in general.**

**EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed some errors.**

**EDIT: 6/1/13: Changed the scene with Ayame slightly.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Oh man, more renditions of Konoha's chunin exams...**

* * *

Chapter Six: Surprise Surprise

(Flashback, Age Eight)

_A man in a weird-looking outfit and a large, frilly hat peered down upon Naruto. The little blond was not impressed. This man was supposed to rule over the Land of Fire? His hat didn't even look all that cool!_

_Being Hokage would be so much more awesome than being this guy._

"_Ah, so this is your esteemed apprentice, Jiraiya?" the Fire Lord asked in a high-pitched, nasally voice. "My oh my, he's very young."_

_Naruto eyed the scrawny, well-to-do man in front of him. Seriously, he wasn't impressive at all. Why old man Hokage and his godfather were in touch with this guy, Naruto didn't know. He wasn't even a ninja, for crying out loud!_

"_A bit quiet though, isn't he?" the Fire Lord continued._

"_Don't mind him. He's never met you before, so he's probably a bit cautious. Naruto's a genin of Konoha and he's been showing a lot of promise," Jiraiya cheerfully explained. Of course, Jiraiya was referring to Naruto's slow corruption and not really his ninja skill._

_The Fire Lord – who Naruto dubbed "Stickman" – hummed appreciatively The forehead protector the blond was wearing didn't escape his notice. "I see, I see. My, it's nice to see the youth defending their homes. Although, he is but a small child..."_

_Naruto's face scrunched up angrily. "Hey, hey! I could kick your-"_

_Jiraiya quickly put a hand over the boy's mouth. "Now Naruto, remember what I said about respecting royalty?"_

_Naruto stopped struggling and ceased his attempts to attack the man who ruled the Land of Fire right away. No matter how funny it would be to have a civil war started over an eight-year-old strangling a much older nobleman, the end result wasn't really worth it._

"_I apologize, my Lord," Naruto stonily said, inclining his head slightly. He had taken his godfather's lessons to heart, and for good reason._

_What better way to enjoy benefits from rich, powerful, and lazy nobles than by being a cute little munchkin? While kissing their ass was a very good way to go about doing that, Naruto could probably get those benefits from noblewomen. Who doesn't love an adorable little ninja child with the ability to snap your neck?_

_Stickman giggled to himself and snapped open his fan, waving it gently in front of his face. "Quite a spry one we have here, do we? Oh, my court would love to meet you," he exclaimed._

"_Well, my Lord, little Naruto is quite popular. He seems to charm whoever he meets. I must admit I'm quite jealous," Jiraiya pleasantly said._

"_Really? I don't think that's surprising, considering he's your apprentice," the Lord lightly replied._

"_You flatter me. Perhaps we should introduce him, then? I will need to give him a change of clothes, though." Jiraiya wasn't sure how to do that with the court right outside of the room they were in._

_The Fire Lord chuckled. "Oh, you needn't worry about that, my friend. Minato and Kushina were never ones for these types of gatherings and I'm sure their son won't be, either. Besides, he looks fine as he is."_

_Naruto was dressed in a burnt orange shirt that had a red spiral on it, with blue shorts on his lower body. If not for the forehead protector designating him as a ninja of Konoha, anyone staring at him would've thought the blond to be a young child with hideous fashion sense._

_Jiraiya smirked wickedly. He was going to enjoy this. It was just another step in his quest to turn his godson into his _true_ apprentice. An apprentice to perversity, porn, and the unashamed peeping on women!_

_Sure, he was young at the moment... but that would be fixed as time went by. Naruto had to become interested in women sometime._

_The Fire Lord rose from his throne-like chair and led both Jiraiya and Naruto out of the room they had been conversing in. With a grand flourish, the ruler threw open the ornate doors, revealing a group of waiting, pompous jerks._

_At least, they all looked like pompous jerks to Naruto. To Jiraiya, they looked like his not-so-humble clients. Well, the males did anyway. The women likely had no idea of that little interest their husbands, sons, and nephews had._

_All conversation quieted as the Fire Lord strode in. "My family and guests, please allow me to introduce you to the Legendary Jiraiya of Konoha and his apprentice, Uzumaki Naruto!" he formally announced._

_Chattering broke out in the hall as Jiraiya and Naruto both bowed in respect. In general, they were respectful of Jiraiya's prowess and curious about Naruto's appearance. Educated nobles did know about the once-powerful Uzumaki Clan, after all._

_After taking a seat next to his chatty godfather, Naruto became bored. He wasn't supposed to play pranks, wasn't supposed to cause havoc, and wasn't supposed to do anything that drew attention to him._

"_Hi!"_

_Naruto furrowed his brow and turned his head. A little girl around his age wearing another one of those silly outfits meant for those of higher status was watching him intently with her large, brown eyes._

_It was kind of creepy. Was this how he looked like when he wanted to learn a new technique, or when he wanted to learn more about sealing?_

_But, Naruto was never one to ignore people unless they royally pissed him off. "Hiya," Naruto replied in earnest._

"_So you're an Uzumaki?" the girl asked._

"_Uh, yes?"_

"_Why don't you have red hair? My teacher says that all notable Uzumaki had red hair. It was a way to identify them," she continued._

"_I take after my dad more than my mom," Naruto explained to this girl whose name he still did not know._

_She was still curious. The girl tilted her head, a question beginning to form on her lips. "Can you make seals? My teacher says that they're really hard to make, but that the Uzumaki were really good at making them."_

_The urge to try out a new seal he had created hit Naruto like a bag of bricks. Its application was perfect in this scenario. Unable to resist, Naruto grinned foxily, causing the girl's face to redden._

_With a thumb's up, Naruto said, "Of course I can." He reached into his pocket and took out a small, orange pellet. There was a black dot inscribed on it and it was one of Naruto's greatest masterpieces._

_So, naturally, he handed it over to the high-class girl._

"_What is this?" she asked, turning the small orange pellet over with her index finger and thumb._

_Naruto subtly formed a defensive technique. No one noticed. "Oh, just squeeze it. It's a really cool seal I made, trust me!" he exclaimed. Thankfully, his godfather was too absorbed in his conversation with a noblewoman to notice._

_The little girl did as instructed, and..._

Boom._ The entire front of her body, as well some things around her, was covered in orange paint that was somehow able to be crammed into a super small orange pellet. But hey, seals were just that awesome._

_The entire room was almost shocked into silence. In fact, the only one who was making any sort of noise was a completely clean Naruto._

_He was laughing. He was laughing _hard.

**VvVvV**

(Chunin Exam Finals)

It was the Chunin Exam Finals and the stadium was stuffed to the brim with people looking to fulfill their daily dose of violent children attempting to kill each other. These violent children were also trying to become chunin, too.

Some violent children who had been knocked out in the prelims were already seated and waiting for the finals of the tournament to start. One of those was a Hyuuga genius, whose attitude had changed so much you would think he was taking some sort of drug.

"I haven't seen you around, Neji," Tenten began.

"I have been... mending my relationships with my uncle and cousins. It went better than I expected, thanks to Naruto Uzumaki," he explained.

When Neji went up to his uncle and said "Naruto Uzumaki said something about my father," Hiashi practically shoved the letter in his face. Why Hizashi's wife was so damn lenient with secrets before she died, he had no idea.

At least _his_ wife could be secretive. She was really kindhearted in exchange, though. And then, she had died shortly after Hanabi was born. Sure, Hiashi ended up being really cold and distant after that, but he was grieving! He really loved his wife!

It didn't help that Hinata looked _exactly_ like her.

"Really? That's nice, I suppose," Tenten replied, looking like she had sucked on a lemon.

Neji raised an eyebrow at her expression. "Is there a problem with that?" he queried.

"That guy's a pervert! I swear, whenever I get a glimpse of him he's always hounding after one girl or another!" Tenten huffed and crossed her arms.

"I did find him near the Hyuuga Clan's bath," Neji mused. Were they so stuck up they had their own bathing area? Well, yeah; who wouldn't want their own bathing area?

Tenten grunted sourly. She would teach that pervert to stop treating women like objects to be ogled at! She would do it... later. Right now, the tournament was starting. The kunoichi hoped that Naruto would get his ass kicked.

The proctor walked onto the field, his bandana secured around his head. There were some introductions, mostly to explain the situation to anyone who had been living under a rock, and then the tournament officially started.

Rock Lee and Gaara of the Sand took their places on the field amidst youthful shouts from somewhere in the stands, which were followed by a hushed "shut up, Gai-sensei." Rock Lee was very happy that he was facing a powerful foe in the first round of the tournament.

The Hokage was watching the battle commence with a small amount of pride. Rock Lee certainly was adept at fighting. Next to the Hokage was the Kazekage, and next to the Kazekage was Yugito Nii, the diplomat from Kumo sent to watch over their own genin.

"I'm surprised you didn't bring bodyguards with you, Yugito-san," the Kazekage stated curiously. "Surely you'd want some sort of protection within Konoha's walls?"

Yugito threw the Kazekage an incredulous look. "Are you kidding me? Bring bodyguards and share the amazing services this nice little pad gives me?" She scoffed. "No, I'll abuse that poor little maid all I want. Those appetizers are delicious. Mind sending me the recipe sometime?"

"Unafraid of being poisoned?" the Hokage asked, slightly amused at the container's antics. He wasn't sharing the recipe, by the way. It brought in too much revenue.

Yugito put down her goblet of milk. "Of course not," she sniffed. "Naruto would never let that happen. He's still much too smitten with me to let anything like that happen."

"What? Naruto Uzumaki?" a voice distinctly different than the Kazekage's exclaimed. The Hokage, Kazekage, and Yugito, as well as the bodyguards, all looked back. Another person wearing the fancy Kazekage robes and hat entered. "That boy can be a fairly entertaining performer when he wants to be."

The Hokage stared at Kazekage Two and back at Kazekage One. "Wait, what's going on? Why are you both wearing those robes?" he asked in bewilderment. He was extremely surprised that two robes and hats marking someone as a Kage would be brought out of Suna. Those things were extremely difficult to clean.

Shiny dust swirled around Kazekage Two's arms as he stared at the Kazekage One. Everyone slowly turned to stare at Suna's apparent leader.

"Well, this is awkward," Kazekage Two muttered. "And here I thought I had some stalker stealing my clothes..."

"He's an imposter! Get him!" Kazekage One demanded, pointing a gloved finger at the newcomer. Everyone continued staring at the false leader. "Bah, it was worth a try."

Orochimaru's bodyguards initiated the invasion by blowing up the viewing platform – much to Yugito's dismay – and abducting the Hokage in a half-baked attempt at assassinating him. The real Kazekage was annoyed at being left behind, while Yugito was annoyed at the destruction of the pad.

So, they both followed the false Kazekage as he leapt away.

While the four high-level ninja were enclosed in a glowing, purple barrier, feathers began to fall from the sky and onto the stands. They ended up putting the majority of the civilians attending to sleep. Some violent children fell asleep as well.

A few seconds later, clashes of steel weapons began to sound throughout the stadium. It was quickly decided that Oto was invading and that Konoha had to boot them out of their home village as painfully as possible.

Any ninja from Sunagakure just blended in with the crowd and pretended to be asleep. It wasn't like they were going to throw themselves into the crossfire. Konoha wasn't their home village and their ninja population had historically been low.

Naruto, who had been picked up by his godfather, stared back at the stadium. He absentmindedly rubbed his shoulder. "You okay, Naruto?" Jiraiya asked.

"I'm fine," Naruto replied. "The old man's strong enough to defend himself. Yugito was supposed to be there too, so she'll help out."

Jiraiya nodded with a grin. Down below, Gamabunta grunted loudly. "You couldn't call Gamahiro or Gamaken? I don't have time to deal with these snakes!" A series of large summoned snakes, including a three-headed one that had no place in Konoha, were tromping around, destroying buildings and crushing whatever they saw.

"At least you get a new snakeskin wallet," Naruto chirped.

Gamabunta grunted again. "That's what they all say. Jiraiya, Naruto! Let's go!" he ordered.

Taking aim at one of the giant snakes wrecking the village, Gamabunta spat out a large amount of flammable toad oil. That oil was lit by a high-level Fire Release technique Jiraiya exhaled, and the whole burning mess was accelerated forward by a Great Breakthrough Naruto blasted out.

It was like someone had taken a forest fire and fused it with a twister before launching it forward at a high speed. The giant snake never stood a chance as the burning oil made contact with it, incinerating its scales and turning it into a large skeleton.

"That's going to be cool to look at once this whole thing's done," Naruto quipped, grinning at the charred bones.

"Mess around later, brat!" Gamabunta boomed. "Again!"

The three repeated the collaboration technique for each giant summon. The addition of giant snake bones to Konoha was sure to attract tourists after the invading ninja were repelled.

Quite a few Sound ninja tried to stop the giant toad and its companions from killing their summons, but those few found themselves squashed underneath large, webbed feet. Attacking a sentient animal several stories tall wasn't really smart.

"I'm going to help out some of the other Konoha ninja," Naruto announced. Jiraiya nodded at him and Naruto jumped away. His body vanished from view as he activated a Body Flicker Technique.

Jiraiya simply continued wrecking the multitude of Oto-nin that continued to throw themselves at him.

In another part of Konoha, Naruto exited his Body Flicker and literally ran into a Sound ninja attempting to kill a tired and bleeding Yugao. The amount of bodies around the woman spoke highly of her skill.

Stumbling and falling onto his back, the Oto-nin rose up and growled. The generic ninja's eyes fell upon Naruto and he moved in to attack.

Naruto snickered at the man's swipes with his kunai. Brandishing his telescope, Naruto parried the kunai to his left and then smashed the telescope on the Sound ninja's noggin, effectively knocking him out with one strike.

"I will never get tired of this thing," Naruto remarked, grinning at his prized tool. It truly was one of the most useful things he had in his possession.

"Naruto?" Yugao rasped. She tried to get up but couldn't do much more than wince due to her injuries. She had been cut up a few times while cutting up enemies of her own. Her sword lay a few feet away from her.

Gentleman mode activated and Naruto rushed to Yugao's side and helped prop her up on a nearby wall. He would've asked if she was okay, but it was pretty obvious that she wasn't. Luckily, her injuries weren't life-threatening.

"You did a great job taking down everything around you," Naruto said. He looked around and whistled in admiration of the many dead bodies around them.

He received a pointed look from Yugao and got the message. Reaching into a supply pouch hidden underneath his orange vest, Naruto took out a roll of bandages and quickly wrapped up Yugao's wounds.

If only her clothing was slightly more torn in a few locations...

The blond shook his head rapidly. It wasn't the time nor the place to think of such things. Yugao was pretty attractive, though...

"Get your head screwed on right, Naruto," Yugao muttered with a slight sigh. "What else is going on in the village? I saw a giant toad destroying those snake summons, but the rest of my squad split up to deal with some invaders attacking fellow Konoha-nin."

"I'm not sure, but I think the Hokage is going to be fine. Is there anyone else nearby that you saw needed help?" he asked.

"Most of the attackers here are being repulsed by the jounin, but the stadium could probably use another set of hands," she said.

Naruto's eyes lit up. "I'm going to get a favor if it's the last thing I do," he announced. Giving Yugao a wink, he vanished once more from view.

It probably would've been better to just stay at the stadium, but Naruto's godfather wanted him to help incinerate giant snakes. Either were useful in the end, but incinerating giant snakes was an awesome feeling, especially when you were a mere fraction of their size.

Some Sound ninja noticed him sprinting back to the stadium, but he ducked and evaded most of them. Any that attempted to grab him found themselves missing their kunai, fingers, or arm. It depended on the amount of blood on their clothing.

Upon entering the stadium, Naruto began to look around. The volatile purple barrier was still up and it looked like there was a forest or something within. Many Sound ninja were still attacking, but they were slowly being incapacitated or killed off.

Naruto wondered how many people would need counseling. He hoped Ayame would still-

The blond's eyes widened, but he repressed the urge to make sure the ramen stand – and the waitress herself – were all right. He needed to get that favor first. Looking towards the stands, he saw a familiar kunoichi engaged in a fight with one of the invading ninja.

Tenten clashed blades with a much older and bulkier Oto-nin. He was wearing a cloth over his mouth and had dark eyes. In short, he looked like all the other ninja that had tried to kill her that day.

She was slowly losing ground to the older ninja. He was much stronger than she was and despite using only a kunai, was able to maneuver her so that she had to watch her footwork else she trip and fall.

It didn't help that she was tired. Fighting for your life – repeatedly, too – would do that to you. The Sound ninja was well-rested and seemed to have been waiting for his enemies to tire. That strategy was perfectly legitimate, by the way.

The heel of her right foot hit a body and she stumbled back. Tenten glared at the sneering Sound ninja above her. He raised his armed hand into the air, and...

Was promptly kicked in the side of the head by a Dynamic Entry that had amazing timing. The Oto-nin went flying and crashed into _another_ Oto-nin. Both of the ninja were sent sprawling and were finished off by a cheery Kakashi, who sent Naruto a thumbs up in thanks.

"Are you all right?" Naruto asked, helping Tenten to her feet. In his current situation, asking that question was all right because the kunoichi he was assisting was all right. It also highlighted the fact that he was a gentleman.

"I think so," she muttered. She stared at Naruto for a few seconds. What was he trying to do? Perverts like him always had an ulterior motive.

"Heads up!" Naruto called. He grabbed her and batted away some shuriken with his telescope that had come way too close for comfort. "I know that you might not like me too much, but please be careful! An invasion is a pretty serious thing and I'd rather not have such a pretty girl get hurt."

"You aren't trying to pick me up or something, are you?" Tenten quickly asked, entering a defensive position with her katana.

Naruto nearly laughed, but scoffed instead. "Look around you, Panda-chan. I think this is more serious than a simple pick-up line. You're a fellow Konoha-nin and I always protect my comrades. That's just the way I work," he declared.

Tenten glanced back at him. Maybe he wasn't such a bad person after all. He did defeat Neji and did turn him into a much more sociable person.

The blond pervert secretly grinned to himself. It wasn't a favor, but at least she would see him differently.

A loud, piercing sound filled the air, causing many ninja in the stadium to flinch. The purple barrier that had four high-level ninja fighting within was brought down and five figures sped away from it. Naruto had personally met them all before, but didn't think he could stop them at the speed they were moving at.

Plus, he had no intention of fighting Orochimaru. All things considered, he'd probably run like hell if the snake-like ninja wanted to fight him. He was strong, but not as strong as Orochimaru. Being able to see the next day – as in, staying alive – was always a positive thing, too.

The Hokage sighed to himself as he watched a fuming Orochimaru run away. Yugito was cradling a broken arm and the Kazekage's gold dust was slowly returning to the man. How he got so much gold dust, Hiruzen would never know. It was a trade secret, apparently.

"So, what do we do now, Hokage-dono?" the Kazekage politely asked. The gold dust had disappeared, but it was pretty obvious that it had simply been sealed on the Kazekage's person. It wasn't like he could somehow make gold dust appear out of nowhere.

That would just be ridiculous.

"My wayward student and his apprentice seem to have removed the larger threats to Konoha and most of our ninja have already kicked the Oto-nin out. I'd like to call this a success, but the cost of this is going to be debilitating," the Hokage muttered.

"Hokage-sama!" a ninja called. "There are giant snake bones situated in points of Konoha that make viable tourist attraction sites!"

"I think your wayward student's apprentice is luckier than we previously thought," Yugito deadpanned.

The Kazekage snorted. "You should see him playing strip poker, Yugito-san. Some of the shinobi in my village are envious," he said.

Yugito filed that bit of information away for later. Note to self: do not accept when Naruto asks for a game of strip poker. She ignored the amused ranting of her Tailed Beast.

**VvVvV**

The day after the invasion, the casualties and the majority of ninja missing-in-action were accounted for. Depressing as it was, the amount of deaths was low and Konoha would probably recover rapidly. The survival of the Hokage was damn beneficial, too.

The Hokage had been spending his time not just fixing up Konoha, but also whining to Tsunade. He knew that Jiraiya would never become Hokage – every kunoichi in the village would be opposed to that – and that Tsunade was receptive to the position.

But, that was an issue to be dealt with later. Reconstruction and aid were the first things on everyone's list of priorities.

Except for Naruto. He was in the hospital visiting the injured Yugito and was with Samui, Karui, and Omoi.

"Why are you still in here?" Naruto asked with a tilt of his head. He was genuinely confused as to why a fellow jinchuriki was in a hospital with only a broken arm.

Omoi was quivering. "Oh man, what if Raikage-sama finds out about this? He'll punish me for not making sure Yugito-sama wasn't hurt! He'll declare war on Konoha! He'll-"

"Shut up!" Karui hissed, elbowing the white-haired boy in the ribs. "Do you want us to get kicked out of the hospital?"

"Nice to see you too, Naruto," Yugito dryly replied. She was dressed in her ordinary battle outfit and had refused to wear any hospital scrubs. She raised her once-broken right arm and moved it about. "Tsunade-sama insisted on keeping me here," she added.

"We should be leaving soon," Samui said with a sigh. "There's still some of our ninja that will yell at us if we help you any more than we already have."

"Not yet," Yugito sharply said. "I want to abuse my diplomatic immunity and given services some more. I could probably extend it to you all, as well." She threw the covers off of her and swung her body out of the hospital bed.

"Don't like hospital food?" Naruto quipped.

Yugito grimaced. "I don't like eating with the smell of anesthesia and alcohol in the air. It kind of ruins the meal," she replied.

"I can agree with that," Karui murmured, rubbing her head. "Where are we going to eat? And if you mention anything even remotely related to ramen, I _will_ cut you, Naruto-kun." Karui glared at him for emphasis.

"He just wants an excuse to see that waitress," Samui informed with a bit more bite than was necessary.

"How would you know that?" Omoi queried.

Samui sheepishly looked away.

Yugito cleared her throat from where she was standing and moved to the door. "Anyway, we're going to Yakiniku Q. I've heard some good things about that place."

Like a prowling cat, Yugito opened the door and crept past the patrolling nurse. The ninja that had visited her watched with some bewilderment as she evaded every nurse running around and left the building. No one even noticed her.

"I don't think she was supposed to leave," Naruto finally said. His eyes widened as he caught sight of a certain blonde. He vanished in a puff of smoke.

Samui and Karui, having heard enough stories about Tsunade's legendary temper, quickly left as well. They left a confused Omoi – who had conveniently not noticed Tsunade – behind.

Elsewhere, Yugito walked up to a damaged Yakiniku Q. "...Fuck," she eloquently muttered. A passing ninja shot her a dirty look for swearing in public.

"So, does this mean we can get some ramen?"

"No way in hell!" Karui steadfastly said.

Samui sighed again. Karui probably couldn't care less who she was yelling at, be it Naruto or Omoi. At least Naruto was more enjoyable to be around. He knew how to brighten a place up.

"Ah, are you Naruto-san?"

The three Kumo kunoichi plus one Naruto Uzumaki turned around. They saw a chunin running up to them with a scar across his nose. He panted for a second before handing Naruto a note. "I was looking for you, but the hospital staff said you left when I got there," he explained. He left when Naruto opened the note.

Quickly scanning through the note, Naruto groaned in annoyance. It couldn't be a coincidence. No way in hell. Orochimaru had been running not just to escape the wrath of old man Hokage.

"What's in it?"

Naruto looked up at Samui with a frown. "An issue with the last Uchiha. Jiraiya-ojisan and I have the most experience with this kind of thing, so I'm being called to help."

"Can we come or not?" Karui asked, interested despite her previous demeanor towards the blond.

"Probably not," Naruto said, throwing the girls an apologetic look. "I need concentration and having three beautiful ladies in the room won't help that. I'll see you all later." Without even taking a moment to see their expressions, Naruto turned on his heel and left.

"Hey, Samui, do you have a fever?" Karui tauntingly asked.

"You don't look so good either, Karui," Samui retorted. "Maybe Naruto should take you to a physician? Or no, maybe you'd like Naruto to be the physician?"

Yugito rolled her eyes. If Naruto hadn't left, he probably would've egged them on.

Who was Yugito kidding? Cat-fights between two kunoichi were fun to watch for everyone.

**VvVvV**

(Hokage Tower)

"You know, I'm wondering how he had time to do this," Jiraiya mused.

One Sasuke Uchiha was unconscious, yet violently trembling on the stretcher he was strapped to. Sweat was on his forehead and his eyes were squeezed shut in pain. On his shoulder was an odd seal that was glowing slightly.

"You're telling me," Kakashi muttered. "I thought you watched him run away?"

"Maybe he had a lackey help him out?" Naruto suggested. The sight of the Uchiha made him frown. That seal definitely wasn't a pleasant experience.

"It was Kabuto." The Hokage, Jiraiya, Kakashi, and Naruto all looked up to see Danzo standing quietly near the door. "I would know. I was the one who trained him. He was never found, was he?"

Hiruzen shook his head. "You may be correct. That is troubling, though. A spy right under our nose disguised as a mediocre genin. How did we miss him?" he mused.

If Danzo was a normal person, he would probably cough like crazy. Since he wasn't a normal person, he managed to hide his reaction admirably. No one needed to know that Kabuto was the one he used to send messages to Orochimaru.

Damn it, now he had to use someone else. It was a good thing Orochimaru was so slimy since it absolved Danzo of all suspicion.

"Well," Hiruzen said after a small pause, "If I know my old student, and I'm quite sure that I do, he probably promised young Sasuke here power in order to kill his older sibling so that he could lure him away from Konoha and steal his body."

"Wait, what?" Kakashi interjected. "Did I hear that correctly? Orochimaru wants Sasuke's _body_?"

"It's not what you think. He's perfected some technique that takes over another person's body and destroys his original one. The presence of that seal on Sasuke's shoulder makes the process easier, if the information we've gathered is true," the Hokage explained.

"To be honest, I don't see the big deal of him becoming a missing ninja," Naruto drawled. "So Orochimaru gets some fancy eyes. Just what's the issue here?"

Jiraiya whacked him over the head. "Stop thinking traitorous thoughts, Naruto. Sasuke's Sharingan and his ability to continue the Uchiha Clan is kind of important to Konoha's military might."

"We _could_ put a seal of our own on him," Danzo offered. "It is certainly possible. He might not appreciate it, though."

Kakashi rubbed his masked chin. "Definitely not. Sasuke's just ignores any attempts at comradeship I attempt. He wasn't even affected by the death of his teammate."

Naruto snapped his fingers. "Why not add him to the Anbu Corps? If I remember correctly, his brother was in there. Wouldn't it help whatever obvious sense of inferiority he has? He can get training and become a force to be reckoned with while remaining loyal to Konoha. The Anbu Corps are still searching for Itachi, too."

There was silence after Naruto's suggestion. Danzo and the Hokage seemed to be mulling it over, but Kakashi was scowling and Jiraiya just didn't give a damn.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Kakashi said. "What's to say he won't snap like Itachi did? He's too young."

"Sasuke is too focused on killing his brother. This desire for revenge might prevent him from going under," the Hokage mused. "We'll give it a shot. If it looks like it isn't enough, we'll put a leash on him. Now then, Naruto, Jiraiya, seal him."

Danzo nodded approvingly. He would've liked to add Sasuke to Root, but Itachi would probably make good on his promise and come back to cause trouble. At least the chance of putting a leash on Sasuke to ensure his loyalty was still up in the air.

Two ink bottles and two brushes appeared in the hands of Jiraiya and Naruto. Both godfather and godson began write down seals. They wrote down odd symbols on the stretcher, the walls, and floor, and Naruto nearly wrote one on Kakashi.

Needless to say, an unamused Kakashi got out of the way and headed to the unmarked corner where the Hokage and Danzo were diligently watching. Kakashi didn't recognize a few of the seals.

"Impressive," Danzo whispered. "Naruto is coming along nicely, isn't he?"

Hiruzen nodded. "Indeed. He's an excellent ninja of Konoha. He's the reason so many more nations are friendlier to us. The Fire Lord likes him, too."

Danzo narrowed his eyes. "He hasn't given away anything, has he?"

"Of course not," the Hokage stated. "Do you honestly think he'd just give away those seals? He's going to make a lot of money off of them."

"Good. Those seals are much too useful to simply hand out for free," Danzo agreed. Those seals that allowed users to peer through walls were amazing. The Hokage had given him one to try out and he had definitely been impressed.

They could even be used out in the field during ninja operations. Though, if Danzo was honest with himself, he liked the original reason behind the seals better. Gazing upon beautiful women without being caught? That was ingenuity at its finest.

The two ninja finished writing down seals when Naruto added a spiral around Sasuke's Cursed Seal of Heaven.

"Seal!" Jiraiya yelled. Naruto clapped his hands together and the odd symbols that were littered throughout the room began to shine bright. The seals traveled across the floor and swirled around the cursed seal. The spiral around it spun before encircling it completely.

"Let's see him try to break that," Naruto smugly said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to get back to three very attractive kunoichi."

"Wait," the Hokage said, stopping Naruto in his tracks. "You are aware that you are leaving fairly soon, correct?"

"What? Where?"

"Kumo wants some help with something," Jiraiya explained. "I'll be coming with you, but I might split off. It's likely that you'll be entering Kumogakure alone while I consult their Black Ops forces."

"When are we leaving?" Naruto asked.

"In a few days. For now, just help rebuild," the Hokage added.

Naruto grinned deviously. If he helped people, he might be able to get a reward. If he helped women...

The blond prankster practically ran out of the door. Danzo suddenly swore. He shifted his stance and glared up at the ceiling with his one visible eye.

"What's wrong?" Hiruzen questioned.

"I forgot to ask him for another one of those seals. We were even talking about them, too," Danzo commented.

Jiraiya snickered to himself and handed a piece of paper to Danzo. "Have fun," he cheerfully said before leaving the room himself.

Danzo looked entirely too happy, which was kind of creepy considering he was an old man.

* * *

**Sorry for the wait and the short chapter, but I had finals.**

**Horrible Hiashi is really overused. Also, Jiraiya does tell people about Naruto's heritage. I just never show it because that would be repetitive, much like the perversity is. I'm trying to keep it slightly diverse, though!  
**

**This marks the end of what is the introductory arc. More characters and girls will be introduced in the flashbacks and the overdone Kumogakure will be addressed as well. The fic gets a bit more serious here, but still attempts to keep its humor-setting.  
**

**Please review! If there are any errors, shoot me a PM or something.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Happy New Year!  
**

* * *

Chapter Seven: Desert Resort

(Flashback, Age Nine)

_Naruto looked around the village he and his godfather were staying at. It wasn't an ordinary village; it was a ninja village, filled with awesome ninja!_

_Well, they weren't too awesome. The only cool thing about the village ninja was that they had some kind of water that made them super-powerful for a few minutes. Then they usually ended up dying and that wasn't cool at all._

_Consequently, it was also really boring._

_The blond youngster sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The ninja village they were in was really humid, too. It made him very uncomfortable. Damn his godfather for making him come here! Jiraiya just _had_ to do a book signing in Takigakure..._

_Apparently, the leader was a bit miffed that he couldn't get an autograph. Many of the village ninja were irked as well, so Jiraiya just had to do an exclusive visit. Yep, it was just a book signing with no business regarding ninja politics at all._

_Naruto cracked open the old book his godfather wanted him to read. It was something he made all of his students read and it was related to how Naruto's parents named him. The blond didn't think it was cool to be named after a character in a not-so-popular book, but at least his name had a cool meaning._

_Shaking his head, Naruto began to focus on the novel he had. He was in front at some cafe, sitting at one of the tables they had situated outside. Reading for reading's sake – or at all – wasn't his thing, but he'd do it since his godfather asked nicely._

"_Hiya!"_

_Naruto looked up with squinted eyes. A girl with mint-green hair, orange eyes, and dark skin grinned winningly at him. She was wearing a large white shirt and brown shorts that looked a bit too big for her size._

_At least now he had someone to distract him from reading. "What's up?" he ventured, tilting his head at the girl. She looked to be about his age._

_The green-haired girl took his response as an invitation and sat down across from him. She rested her arms on the table and put her chin down on top of them. "Who are you?" she asked._

_Ignoring his book for the moment, Naruto furrowed his brow at her. "Isn't it polite to introduce yourself first?" he replied._

"_Is it? I didn't know that," she said. "Manners are dumb. When you have the whole world to explore, why would you bother being all nice and stuffy?"_

"_Eh..." Naruto scratched the side of his cheek. He really didn't have an answer to that question. "Well... Jiraiya-ojisan always tells me to be polite and mind my manners. He said it makes people happy." The nobility certainly gushed over him more when he was polite._

"_Oh. Hey, where'd you get this book?"_

_Naruto looked at the table and noticed that his book was gone. It was in the odd girl's hands. "Jiraiya-ojisan wants me to read that," he explained._

"_So why aren't you reading it?" She casually flipped through some pages._

_The blond shrugged. "I don't like reading that much. I like sparring and playing pranks more."_

_Her eyes lit up. "Whoa, this is really good! Who's the author that wrote this?"_

"_Jiraiya-ojisan wrote it," Naruto said with a sigh. He tilted his head again. "What's your name, anyway? I'm Naruto Uzumaki."_

_The girl ignored Naruto for a few more seconds as she continued to flip through the book. The blond found it strange that a girl who encouraged exploring the world liked reading. Well... maybe she encouraged exploring. She put it above manners, at least._

"_Oh, I'm Fuu," she finally admitted. She stuck out her hand, cheerfully smiling the entire time. The two shook hands and she went back to reading Naruto's book. "Can I have this?" she suddenly asked._

_Naruto was taken aback. This girl was weird. She appears out of nowhere without any introduction, takes his book without his consent, and then asks to have it. "Sorry, but it's not mine," he informed._

_Fuu's face fell and Naruto winced. Young as he was, he didn't like making girls sad. They usually ended up crying – something he absolutely hated seeing – resulting in his godfather scolding him._

"_We can ask Jiraiya-ojisan," Naruto quickly added. As quickly as it fell, Fuu's face lit up in cheer._

"_Really? You're the best! Much nicer and better than anyone else who talks to me!"_

_Uh... okay? "We just have to find him first. He's here to sign books," Naruto stated._

"_What kind of books?" she asked._

_The blond rose from his chair and began to walk away, with Fuu following him. He felt lighter than when he sat down. Either his physical training was paying off, or he dropped something. Tsunade would laugh at him if he thought the former was true, thus leaving one answer..._

_Naruto patted his body down. "Where'd my kunai pouch go...?" he wondered, turning around over and over again in an attempt to find a fallen series of deadly weapons._

"_Whoa, you have ninja knives? You're really a ninja? I really thought that forehead protector was fake!" Fuu rapidly fired off several more questions, catching Naruto off-guard and making him even more confused by her actions than before._

_He reached up to rub his brow in exasperation, only to realize that his forehead protector was gone. What the hell? He wasn't _that_ forgetful! He wasn't like his godfather, or like Tsunade when she was looking for anything not related to booze!_

_A glint in the sunlight caught his eye and he realized Fuu had strapped _his_ forehead protector to her right bicep. His kunai pouch was also in her hand and she was sifting through the pointy objects innocently._

_How did she lift his possessions off of his person without him noticing?_

"_Can I have my stuff back? I kind of need them since I'm a ninja," Naruto deadpanned._

_Fuu's expression fell again, but Naruto didn't relent. She handed back his forehead protector, his kunai pouch, and – regretfully – his book. "Look, if you really want to be a ninja, just train hard. Anyone can be a ninja if they put their mind to it," he offered, hoping to reassure her._

_As if a switch had been flipped, Fuu was cheerfully smiling again. "Don't worry, I'm already a ninja! I just left my own forehead protector at home. I can get books on my own, too. Nice to meet ya, Naruto Uzumaki!" she happily exclaimed._

_Then she skipped away, sunshine and rainbows raining down from around her. It was almost like Kakashi's thunderstorm technique that he used when he was angry. It was vaguely creepy..._

_Naruto stared after her, unsure of what to make of the entire experience. He turned to head back to his table, but stopped when he noticed his forehead protector, his kunai pouch, and – not so regretfully – his book were all gone again._

_Several people on the street jumped in surprise at the blond's furious scream._

**VvVvV**

(The Former Yugakure)

Six ninja all watched Naruto run around like a little child with varying degrees of amusement, exasperation, and annoyance. How could they blame him, though? He hadn't been in Yugakure in years!

The resort village was very popular amongst all kinds of people, be they civilian, ninja, or samurai. Who didn't like taking a relaxing soak in a hot spring followed by a stress-relieving massage?

Sure, the idea of a ninja village transitioning into a peaceful resort was silly and superfluous, but in Yugakure's case, it ended up true. In fact, it had abolished nearly all of its previously violent ways.

Some of the village's old ninja didn't quite like that. Some of them turned to the leaders of the village and attempted to kill them, but ultimately ended up failing. They and their violent tendencies were quickly ousted.

"I don't know where to go first!" Naruto cried, grabbing his head and glaring up at the sky.

"Hotel," Jiraiya said with a grin. "We need to dump our stuff there. We'll be staying here for a while, anyway."

Darui sighed. "I don't understand why we have to stay here. We're not supposed to be on vacation. Raikage-sama is expecting us."

Jiraiya shook his head and grinned widely. "Well, resorts like this tend to attract paying customers. Many of those customers tend to be high-class women who want their skin to appear smooth and youthful."

Yugito was suddenly furious. "We came here because you wanted to check out the _women_?" she exclaimed, glaring straight at him.

"That's a secondary priority," Jiraiya shamelessly replied. "Besides, we're mainly here to look for one high-class woman in particular. Technically, I'm supposed to meet her for a movie deal, but she coincidentally fits into the mission we were assigned."

Naruto came sauntering back and asked, "This is a part of the whole Land of Snow gig, right?"

Jiraiya nodded affirmatively. "Pretty much. So, while we _can_ enjoy the sights and the resort itself, we are still going to have to be on the lookout for one super famous movie actress," he explained.

"Why were we not informed of this?" Darui queried.

"I would say information is on a need-to-know basis, but I'll be honest here. I... forgot." Jiraiya shrugged his broad shoulders at the flabbergasted expressions the Kumo-nin were throwing him. "Anyway, we're looking for one Yukie Fujikaze. Now, let's-"

"Oh my god! We're looking for _her_! I gotta find her and get an autograph! I gotta-" Naruto coughed violently as bewildered expressions were thrown in _his_ direction. "Uh, I mean, I gotta go lift weights or something. Ojisan, all of my stuff is sealed!"

Without a second thought, Naruto hurried away in an attempt to make up for any lost masculinity. His first thoughts were to go researching, but he might as well attempt to find Yukie.

Yukie Fujikaze was a damned good actor. Naruto, like any other appreciator of the fine arts, loved her movies. Plus, there were rumors floating around about her being hired for an Icha Icha movie. His godfather was being tight-lipped about it and he wanted to confirm it himself.

The streets were – like any other high-quality resort – full of people. Ladies were walking about, hoping to get to their favorite spa on time, while men were either spending time with their female friends or hoping to get some relaxation time for themselves.

There were also children generally being annoying. They wanted to go to one place one second, and then another the next.

Naruto ignored them all though. Distracting as they were, he had something more important to do. He needed to find that sex goddess!

Several thoughts flew through his head. The first was how hot Yukie Fujikaze looked. The second was where he was supposed to find her and finally, how he could convince her to confirm or deny the rumors.

Naturally, being a classy lady, Yukie would probably be relaxing. No one would pass up a chance to relax in the Land of Hot Water. So he headed over to the posh bathhouses the place offered.

When he neared them, the tantalizing sounds of splashing and female moans tickled his ears, tempting him to bust out his amazing seals and hunker down for an afternoon. What if Yukie was in that bathhouse? Or no, what about that one? What about-

"Hello, Naruto-kun."

Naruto froze and slowly turned around, the noisiness of his surroundings becoming muffled as his mind focused on the voice and its owner. Who else would be standing there but someone who had been hunting him due to who he was?

It was just his luck that this fearsome person had found him in the Land of Hot Water. Not for the first time, Naruto cursed his damnable luck.

His eyes fell upon a teenage girl who was around his age with shining green eyes and flowing, black hair. She was wearing a light green kimono over her pale skin, making her look like the dainty daughter of some lord.

She wasn't that dainty, though. She wasn't the daughter of a feudal lord, either. In fact, she was a kunoichi, one that Naruto already knew. The blond teenager hadn't exactly expected to see her in the Land of Hot Springs, but given her position, the chance was always there.

Ordinarily, Naruto would've been running like hell, but her chest had filled out quite nicely. He'd like to have she and Samui stand next to each other so he could measure, but that wouldn't raise her opinion of him. He had wanted to patch things up with her, too...

"Hello, Shizuka-chan," Naruto ventured. He gave her a charming, respectful smile. She simply walked up next to him and took his arm. Thus, the two began to walk.

Several people gave them polite smiles, because young love was supposedly beautiful and everlasting. It nearly made Naruto snort, but the lady next to him made him restrain that reaction. At the very least, Shizuka's assistant wasn't there.

Tokiwa would've tried to spill Naruto's guts the moment she saw him.

"So, how have you been?" Shizuka began.

"Fine," Naruto replied. "Did you know that Konoha was attacked?"

"Really? I did not know that. Nadeshiko is quite a long way from the mainland, as I'm sure you remember."

Naruto gulped. "Look, I know you and your assistant follow the traditions of your village, but come on! Do you really expect a guy like me to actually survive in a place full of hot women?" he lowly exclaimed.

Shizuka's grip on his arm tightened painfully. "You were deemed worthy based on our traditions, yet you refused. That's not exactly the best way to present yourself to a "place full of hot women", as you call it," she smoothly replied. "In any case, your position is questionable. Sagiri was quite happy to hear that, by the way."

The blond's expression twisted into a scowl. "I hate that guy so much," he muttered.

There was a melodic giggle from the woman at his side. "Jealous, are we?" she taunted.

He snorted for real this time. "Why would I be jealous of a _trader_? He walked into Nadeshiko Village selling junk and then tried to get into your pants. The guy can't even fight!"

"I know," Shizuka agreed. "But it's fun watching you get worked up. Besides, you know that our village only likes men who prove themselves to us."

"Speaking of that..."

Naruto sighed dramatically. And there she was. A quick look downward thankfully told him that all of his innards were still in place. Crazy sword-wielding kunoichi... Yugao excepted.

"Tokiwa," he muttered. "I see you and your glorious chest are still taking care of Shizuka-chan here." Shizuka giggled again. Despite her past with the guy, she still found his mannerisms to be somewhat amusing.

"Naruto," Tokiwa replied with a roll of her eyes. "I see that you still follow the ways of Jiraiya-sama. Like I've said before, a boy your age shouldn't be acting in that way."

"I'm a _teenager._ I know for sure what I do isn't gender specific, too," he deadpanned. He slowly turned his head to look straight at Shizuka.

Tokiwa coughed in embarrassment. "I'm sure you understand that was part of the process of determining whether or not you were worthy," she hedged.

"And, obviously, you found that part of me worthy," Naruto dryly added. He was only nearly fifteen, for crying out loud!

The large-chested woman coughed again, a light pink tint covering her cheeks. "Well, yes, but your previous actions haven't reflected well on you. Our customs are very important," she commented.

"As fun as it would be to be monogamous, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline. Ojisan made that agreement when he was practically drunk!" Naruto exclaimed.

"It is legally binding," Tokiwa smoothly said, ignoring Naruto's feeble excuses. "We could always test you here. Perhaps you would accept a challenge?"

Naruto groaned. He was still worthy in his eyes. Just because he preferred to be with multiple women didn't mean he wasn't. How else could he spread the love?

"Why should I accept a challenge when I'm here on a mission?"

"Why would you be in a resort for a mission?" Shizuka asked. An amused look crossed her face. "You're not doing more research for Jiraiya-sama, are you?"

"No, I'm looking for Yukie Fujikaze. It has to do with some mission we're helping Kumo do. It's for more diplomatic purposes, I think. I'm not too sure, I wasn't paying attention," Naruto replied.

"Since you're still wearing that promise band, I think you'll accept the challenge regardless." Shizuka's attendant smirked at the annoyed expression Naruto gave her.

After his trial at Nadeshiko, he and Shizuka had exchanged promise bands. Naturally, Naruto had no idea what they were for and didn't know what he was being suckered into. It was probably why his issues with the village arose in the first place. If only he could make himself pay more attention to boring stuff...

"I like to think I'm an odd ninja," Naruto flatly said. "Fine, I'll take you up on your challenge. Don't make it too long, though. I really have to find the actress and not just for an autograph, either."

Shizuka leaned in and whispered into Naruto's ear, "I don't know what the challenge will be. We weren't exactly expecting you to be here."

Tokiwa crossed her arms over his sizable bust. "You do remember the test you partook in when you last visited Nadeshiko, correct?" Naruto nodded.

His last test was comprised of showing how adept a ninja he was – though not just to Shizuka. In addition, considering Shizuka's leadership position, he had to show manners befitting that of nobility. Thankfully, he already knew how to do that due to Jiraiya's lessons of nobility ass-kissing.

"Yeah, I was fighting for Shizuka-chan's entertainment," he deadpanned.

"And everyone else's," Shizuka added. What was better than providing likable enjoyment for a village full of hot women?

"Regardless, Shizuka-sama and I will both fight you this time," Tokiwa informed. Her tone of voice didn't really make her out to be lying.

"Uh, what?" Naruto blinked rapidly. Last time, he had fought Shizuka to a stand-still and been deemed worthy to live in the village with her. Not quite liking the deal he was offered, he declined and caused trouble, like he always did.

He also wondered if Tokiwa was just looking for an excuse to beat him up. Amazing as he was, Tokiwa was powerful enough to be Shizuka's attendant and guardian. Shizuka's skills weren't anything to scoff at either.

"Technically, your standing has diminished," Shizuka mused, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

"Wait a minute," Naruto interrupted, "if I fight both of you at once and win, I should get an additional reward."

Both women stared at him curiously. "Why? If my assumptions are true, then you want to fix your relationship with Shizuka-sama," Tokiwa stated. Him keeping that promise band showed as much.

In addition, based on Naruto's questionable hobbies, Tokiwa doubted he would stay away from Nadeshiko.

"I'm suspending my mission without notifying any of my superiors just so I can deal with your customs," Naruto told them.

"You do realize that you caused the issues with these customs in the first place, right?" Tokiwa replied.

Before Naruto could speak, Shizuka decided to compromise. "Tokiwa, let me speak with you for a moment. I have an idea," she stated. The kimono-clad leader walked up to her assistant and began to whisper in her ear.

Naruto watched in confusion as Tokiwa's eye twitched, followed by her eyebrows raising, and finally a flash of pink shooting through her cheeks. The blond wondered what Shizuka had told her. It seemed fairly interesting and Naruto, like all ninja, was a very nosy person.

Tokiwa seemed worried, though. "Are you sure, my lady? I hope this does not offend you," she murmured.

Shizuka cheerfully nodded, a mischievous grin adorning her face. "It's fine, Tokiwa. This will make the battle much more interesting," she declared.

Naruto looked at both of the kunoichi in front of them. "I don't get it," he finally admitted. "What's going on?"

"You'll get your reward, and for someone like you, it will be worth it," Tokiwa stated. She didn't look too happy. "However, I must ask you to fight and defeat us first."

"Certainly you would be willing to place your trust in me, wouldn't you Naruto-kun?" Shizuka innocently asked. She smiled angelically at him.

Naruto was cautious, but he was also interested. The reward was worth it for someone like him? What was he going to get?

The blond nodded and gave them both a grin. "All right, I'll take you up on that. Where do you want to fight?"

"Why not here?" Tokiwa said, waving her hand to indicate the bustling streets around them. "Think of it as another part of the test."

Well, his techniques weren't _totally_ destructive... at least, not without a toad or a clone to aid him. He could avoid two-pronged attacks much easier as well. Finally, he shrugged and said, "Why not? But, ah, what about Shizuka-chan?"

Shizuka looked down at her kimono. Then she shrugged and ripped the whole thing off, revealing that she was wearing her kunoichi attire underneath.

There was something very attractive about a girl willing to rip expensive clothing off of her own body, Naruto thought. Hell, she even did it in public!

"Shizuka-sama..." Tokiwa sighed, frowning at the destruction of the valuable garments. "Let's begin."

And then the two Nadeshiko Village kunoichi sprang at him. Unfortunately, he hadn't expected their prompt attack and was caught off-guard.

The people around them hadn't expected it either, but they were still transfixed on the idea that a well-to-do girl had ripped off her clothing without any reservations at all.

Thankfully, the two kunoichi weren't using their weapons just yet. That was probably what had saved Naruto from losing the challenge right then and there. Whereas Tokiwa lashed out at Naruto's face with a fist, Shizuka was aiming... down there.

The decision was clear. Naruto pivoted on his feet and twisted his body, showing off his impressive flexibility as he evaded Tokiwa's strike and grabbed Shizuka's wrist, preventing her from punching his family's jewels.

His maneuver left him with one leg hanging awkwardly up in the air. It also gave him a nice view of Shizuka's cleavage.

Then he lost his balance and pulled Shizuka along with him, causing her to stumble. She wasn't about to stop attacking and tried to punch his jewels again. That time, Naruto just raised his knee – in mid-air – and took the hit there. He landed on his back and quickly rolled to avoid Tokiwa's followup.

Kipping up to his feet, Naruto scowled at Shizuka as she was helped up by her attendant. "Twice? Are you kidding me?" he called, pointing an indignant finger at her.

Shizuka shrugged. "Did you expect this to be easy, Naruto-kun? Your reward is pretty amazing, after all, if I do say so myself."

People had cleared the streets and were watching the confrontation with interest. Some samurai were also watching the proceedings, but were only there to make sure no civilian got hurt. That would just be bad publicity.

A ringing sound pierced the air as Tokiwa unsheathed her long, thin katana. It gleamed in the afternoon sun. In response, Naruto took out... his telescope. A couple people in the watching crowd laughed at him.

Fools. They'd all eventually realize just how powerful and mind-shattering the telescope could be!

Tokiwa sprinted forward, brandishing her katana threateningly. She swung the thing in a wide arc, hoping to cause deep lacerations to Naruto's torso – and consequently, his pride. Naruto's telescope extended to match the katana's length and he held it vertically, successfully stopping the attack.

He smirked when he heard startled gasps from the crowd. "Ha! The telescope defeats all!" he crowed.

"I was wondering when you'd bring that out," Tokiwa muttered. Her left leg lashed forward, catching Naruto in the stomach and sending him tumbling backwards.

Shizuka jumped above her attendant and threw kunai directly downward where Naruto was struggling to regain the breath that was knocked from his lungs. Much to the crowd's shock, the kunai pierced Naruto's body, skewering him completely.

Only for no blood to show up. In fact, the way the kunai looked was just unnatural. The Naruto on the beaten street rose up, grinning foxily at Tokiwa and Shizuka as he twirled his telescope about. He rushed forward, swinging the unorthodox weapon wildly.

Tokiwa, as per her job, jumped in front of Shizuka to defend. Shizuka was busy preparing herself for another attack – one that hopefully wouldn't hurt any of the spectators.

If any of the spectators were hurt, they could all call diplomatic immunity. It wasn't as if a nation defended by a small amount of samurai could do anything, anyway.

Naruto reached Tokiwa and moved to attack. His telescope phased right through the katana, revealing him as a fake. Shizuka was suddenly kicked in the back of her knees, causing her to crumple forward.

Shizuka was not a poor kunoichi, though. She knew of Naruto's mannerisms and considering her feminine allure, was able to predict where her foe would be as he leaned in to take yet another look at her bosom.

There was a yelp of pain as Shizuka swung her kunai where she assumed Naruto would be standing. His Transparency technique faded and he was revealed, rubbing his stomach. "You should be glad I wasn't any closer," he said, grimacing at his wound.

"Don't be a drama queen," Shizuka sniffed. She rolled her body on the ground and shot a barrage of kunai at the blond, boosting their penetrating power and speed with one of her Nadeshiko-style techniques.

These pierced Naruto like her other kunai had and simply continued onward, leaving no trace of damage at all. Both kunoichi frowned at his ability. In battle it was useful, but what they were wondering was how often Naruto had used it in Nadeshiko.

Why had they not thought about that when he and Jiraiya had been in the village? He wasn't exactly the type of person to become easily flustered.

"How am I supposed to win this?" Naruto asked. "Should I disable you or something?"

"If you disable us, that would look bad on your part," Shizuka cheekily replied. "After all, a hot-blooded teenager taking advantage of two defenseless ladies..." She let the statement hang in the air.

Naruto shrugged. "It's not like I care what other people think." Some spectators glared at him for that. "Oh come on! It's just a joke! I'm a perfectly polite person!"

An earthen dome rose up from the ground and closed upon the distracted Naruto, locking him within. Using her skill in Earth Release, Tokiwa manipulated the dome to shrink until it was able to mould itself to Naruto's proportions.

"I think you got him that time," Shizuka remarked. She sauntered over to Naruto – whose head was the only thing not restrained and visible to the open air – with a victorious grin on her face. "It looks like you don't get your special reward, Naruto-kun."

"It seems you aren't worthy after all," Tokiwa announced. She kept her katana out, not because of being on her guard, but because it was a pain to put it all the way back in its sheath.

A few civilians directed worried glances towards the samurai. Some guy with a camera was grinning wickedly at what he was seeing. It was prime material!

"In my defense, I was distracted by the amount of pretty women in the crowd and by the fact that I was fighting two pretty women," he defended.

"No excuses, Naruto-kun," Shizuka taunted, grinning victoriously.

"It's not an excuse," Naruto whined, pouting childishly at her. "Besides, a ninja like me is never without a way to attack."

"I've made sure your hands are restrained. How are you going to get out of this?" Tokiwa asked. She was genuinely interested in seeing how Naruto would get out of his predicament.

In reply, Naruto's ponytail was let loose and his hair straightened as if electrically charged. His hair hyper-extended and launched forward, lengthening and thickening as he poured more and more chakra onto his follicles.

The attack was an offshoot of his godfather's, but he had manipulated it for his own purposes. It was thicker, for one thing. No, it had absolutely nothing to do with anything sexual. Nothing at all.

Shizuka and Tokiwa were caught off-guard and were unable to completely defend against the strands of long, thick hair. Shizuka was completely bound first, with Tokiwa falling right after.

One of the reasons they had fallen so easily was because of how sudden and surprising the attack was. Who seriously expects a bound person's hair to hyper-extend and attack, even if that person's a ninja?

Naruto broke free of the earth trapping his body shortly afterward. A seal on his telescope released lightning chakra, shattering and crumbling his bindings. His blond hair released the two kunoichi and came back to him, resettling into a short ponytail.

"Please tell me that counts," Naruto said. He waved nervously to the crowd. He hoped his performance would be accepted. Maybe some pretty ladies in the crowd would introduce themselves to him?

Yes, they would all be swooning over his supreme abilities! He had just defeated... defeated...

Fuck. Naruto scowled to himself. Defeating two kunoichi _really_ made him out to be an incredibly desirable guy.

The crowd was clapping at his victory as Shizuka and Tokiwa walked forward. Shizuka looked absolutely giddy, but Tokiwa's expression was one of resignation.

"Congratulations, you are now worthy of marrying me," Shizuka told him. Naruto paled, but before he could back up, Shizuka grabbed his hands. She leaned in close and whispered in his ear, "My mentor always did think some of the laws and traditions in our village were silly. That's why your reward involves stomping on them."

"And what is this reward?" Naruto warily asked. He hoped it wasn't a marriage coupled with its consummation. Actually, the consummation sounded awesome. The marriage... not so much. He was a polygamous individual, damn it! He had just wanted to patch up his relationship with Shizuka!

She whispered what the reward was in his ear and his face, at first, went whiter than snow. Then, it turned into confusion, followed by the most perverted smile he had ever made. _Ever_.

"I think I'm in love," he said, grinning perversely at Shizuka and Tokiwa.

Tokiwa grunted to herself. "This is only because Shizuka-sama wishes to change the laws of our village. Don't expect anything more of us," she bit out.

Naruto nodded rapidly. He was, after all, a gentleman.

"Hey, you! Ninja! Yes, you ninja!" The cameraman – and some other guy who looked like a director – ran up to them. The director pointed at them all and said, "How would you like to pose in a movie starring Yukie Fujikaze? We're short on actors since the hired troupe hasn't shown up yet."

Tokiwa was about to decline, but Naruto beat her to the punch. "Yes! Hell yes! I mean," Naruto cleared his throat, "yes, of course. We would love to star in your movie featuring the most talented Yukie Fujikaze."

"Ah! Excellent," the director said with a crooked smile. He turned to the perplexed crowd and yelled, "Ladies and gentleman! This was just a warm-up for the upcoming Yukie Fujikaze film! Please watch for its grand release!"

Huh. It looked like Naruto wouldn't have to find Yukie after all. His luck was _amazing_.

* * *

**It was a moment of inspiration, okay?**

**Review and let me know what you think! If there are any errors, please let me know as well!**

**EDIT 4/13/13: Fixed an error.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Oh god, the pairing wars due to recent manga updates. School's up again, so updates will probably slow down, unfortunately.  
**

**Read and review please! If there are typos or errors, let me know.  
**

* * *

Chapter Eight: Ice Princess

(Flashback, Age Nine)

_Jiraiya didn't want to do this. There was no way in hell that he was doing this. He couldn't believe his sensei was practically forcing him to do this._

_He wasn't giving Naruto the talk – Tsunade was planning to do that, unfortunately – nor was he doing anything else that was remotely embarrassing for once. Instead, he had to do something that many Konoha ninja would call incredibly stupid._

_What Jiraiya and Naruto had to do was enter Iwagakure as diplomats. Never mind the fact that Jiraiya could be seen as a threat – Naruto was the Yellow Flash's son! Every Iwa-nin in the village would crap themselves the moment that information became known!_

"_Ojisan, stop making weird faces. We're supposed to be fancy diplomats," Naruto pointed out._

"_I can't help it, Naruto!" Jiraiya wailed. "We're going into an enemy village where everyone could turn on us at any moment! Do you have any idea how scared I am for your safety?"_

_As much as it warmed Naruto's heart to hear that, he was still a ninja and he took that as a jab to his skills. "Come on, ojisan. Remember what old man Roushi said?" the blond remarked._

_Oh... right. Jiraiya had completely forgotten about that. "Still, we're entering an enemy village. Keep on your toes. I don't want to have to meet your parents in the afterlife if you get killed," Jiraiya said, shuddering slightly._

"_Yeah, yeah... I gotcha, Jiraiya-ojisan. At least we can walk in with our weapons, right?"_

_Right, they were allowed to bring weapons. Iwagakure sure did that out of heartfelt generosity. There were probably other concessions that were made in order to allow that. This was sure to give Jiraiya more wrinkles on his face._

"_Look alive, Naruto. We're going to be received by Iwa's Guardian."_

"_I thought Kumo was the one with a guardian?" Naruto asked with a tilt of his head._

_Jiraiya grinned. "Nah, Kumo ripped that off from Iwa. Didn't I tell you Kumo has a tendency to rip-off ideas and techniques from other villages? Honestly, how hard is it to come up with interesting techniques?" The toad sage snickered._

_He had made one based entirely off of peeping on women and escaping undetected when he was a green genin. Naruto was making good progress in learning that special technique..._

"_Halt! You shall not pass!"_

_The duo of Konoha-nin narrowed their eyes warily at the Guardian. Clad in red armor that was emitting steam at odd places, the ridiculously tall Han was an intimidating individual to face. Why else would he have been selected as the Guardian?_

"_Err... we're diplomats?" Jiraiya tried, hoping that nothing bad would happen._

_Han stared at them critically for a few seconds. Then, with a shrug that made his armor clink and jingle, he stepped aside. It was rather surprising._

"_That's it?" Naruto blurted incredulously._

"_Pretty much," Han replied, amusement dancing in his eyes. "You guys aren't exactly dressed like espionage agents. Then again, espionage agents wouldn't just waltz in through the front gate." He paused for a moment and considered the gate behind him. "You two aren't espionage agents, are you?"_

_Both godfather and godson made to deny the claim that they were espionage agents, but the Guardian raised a gloved hand to forestall their excuses, however true they were. "I can see that I may be wrong here, so please answer this question for me. Entry will be granted to the village depending on your response," he explained._

"_Are you kidding me?" Jiraiya exclaimed. "We're being expected by the Tsuchikage himself! Didn't you get word that two ninja of Konoha were being sent here as diplomats?"_

_A finger tapped on a part of the Guardian's armor, making a hollow noise. "Nope, I got nothing. If you're not guilty of anything, then you shouldn't have anything to fear," the Guardian argued. "Anyway, my name is Han, the Guardian of Iwagakure. My question for you is..."_

_As he paused for dramatic effect, Jiraiya and Naruto tensed. Jiraiya was nervous because he didn't want his godson hurt and Naruto was nervous because he didn't want to get his godfather in serious trouble._

"_What do you think about my armor?"_

_Jaws fell open at Han's statement. That was the question that would determine whether or not they would be allowed to enter Iwagakure? How were they supposed to answer? Did Han want to be complimented, or was he expecting criticism?_

"_It's... _nice_, I suppose," Jiraiya reluctantly admitted._

"_I think it looks cool," Naruto said. The blond frowned suddenly. "I mean, it's cool, but why is it black and red? Orange is a much better color."_

_Jiraiya cast a dry expression towards his godson. Much to his surprise though, Han seemed to be actually considering the not-so-subtle suggestion._

"_Well, red and black are technically the colors Iwa's shinobi choose to wear, but no one would expect orange..." Han hummed in thought and began to pace back and forth, his arms crossed over his chest. "Why do you think my armor is cool..." He trailed off, giving Naruto a significant look._

"_Oh, I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I dunno, I just think your armor looks cool. What other kind of armor has steam coming out of it?"_

_Han nodded to himself. "Very true. Anyway, you've both passed and I deem you both worthy. Enter Iwagakure and please, mind the tourism. We do not endorse littering." With a theatrical gesture, the gates of Iwa opened and granted the bewildered Konoha ninja entry._

_Right before the toad sage and his apprentice entered the village, Han said, "Oh, by the way, it's considered very good faith for a village to allow an enemy container to enter their home. I have no problems with pounding you flat, so don't do anything stupid."_

_The perverted hermit twitched. Naruto just gave Han a sly smirk. "Don't worry, I'll make sure my ojisan doesn't cause trouble!" he reassured._

_The Guardian snorted. That blond was pretty funny for being a container. Whoever said that they were meant to be all nasty and mean?_

_He reached into his pocket, trying to find a certain book. A quick pat-down later and Han growled to himself._

_Damn it. He left his Icha Icha at home._

**VvVvV**

(Somewhat Near the Land of Snow)

The northern coast of the Land of Hot Water was chilly – uncomfortably so, in fact. Naruto's clothing was thankfully warm enough to stop him from shivering, though.

Jiraiya had headed onward to Kumogakure with Yugito, as per the mission parameters. He had left Darui in charge while he was helping out the Raikage and had happily allowed both Shizuka and Tokiwa to go along with Naruto. The more the merrier, the toad sage always said.

That usually included quite a few drinks, though.

Darui wasn't happy about having to lead even more teenagers, but Tokiwa was there to help keep them in line. The woman could be pretty imposing when she wanted to be and ended squabbles whenever they arose.

Naruto indirectly incited most of them.

Yukie Fujikaze, famous for her role as Princess Gale, wasn't quite as nice as everyone thought she would be. Sure, she had a nice body, but had repeatedly brushed Naruto off whenever he had tried to get information about the upcoming Icha Icha movie.

After a few attempts, she had outright ditched Naruto and tried to escape the place. It wasn't really the blond's fault; she didn't want to head back to the Land of Snow, which was her old home. That ended up leading into a surprise revelation.

Yukie Fujikaze was actually Koyuki Kazahana, the heir of the former ruler of the Land of Snow. Her father was killed and his government ousted by some force which was now beginning to menace some other countries, causing Kumo to become wary.

As clarifying as that information was, Koyuki was leery about going back to her old home. Even with the odd defense detail – they were going in under the guise of a film crew – the princess was very averse to returning to her country.

After she had escaped from her defense detail and filming crew a few times more than necessary, Naruto ended up getting annoyed at not moving forward quick enough. He found her, tied her up, and hauled her back to her carriage, beauty be damned.

Of course, he was gentle throughout the whole ordeal.

The ship had set off from the coast, carrying a film crew, ninja, and a sleeping princess who had tired herself out during the first part of the journey. It was cold, but the weather was calm and they totally didn't look conspicuous.

Koyuki groaned to herself and rolled over to shield her eyes from the incoming rays of light. Hadn't she raised her blinds the night before? She hated waking up to bright sunlight.

"Finally, she woke up!"

"Think I can get an autograph?"

"Me first, since I was the one who found the director!"

The actress growled and pulled the blankets over her head. That didn't completely block the noise, causing her to give up on trying to get more sleep. Koyuki rose up and folded her arms over her chest, glaring daggers at the three ninja arguing in front of her bed.

"Do you three mind?" she angrily hissed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

The blond boy who was wearing a very strange costume brought out a pen and an orange book, smiling brightly at her. "Sorry about that," he apologized, not looking very sorry at all.

He handed the items to the frowning princess. After a moment of blinking rapidly, she scowled up at the blond boy. "What are you doing, you pest?" she grunted, shoving them back into his arms.

"Oh, you didn't have a pen on you so I brought one out. It really wasn't much trouble," he replied with an even brighter smile than before.

Koyuki rubbed her eyes again. "You little..." She huffed to herself and blew some of her hair out of her eyes. "Get out of here! I need to change!"

"Ooh! Can I help you?" Karui asked. She studiously ignored the shocked expressions Naruto and Omoi had.

"...No," the actress deadpanned. "Get out of here! You ninja are all lucky I'm not pressing charges for assault!"

"Technically speaking, it was completely within my rights to restrain you like that," Naruto corrected. He shrugged and added, "Besides, it wasn't like I hurt you in any way. I can be very gentle, you know."

Naruto got a pillow to the face. The Konoha-nin and two Kumo-nin quickly left the room to avoid any additional fluffy projectiles. Once outside the room, Naruto pouted to himself.

"We didn't even get an autograph," Omoi moaned.

"What a shame..." Naruto muttered piteously.

Karui grabbed them both by their collars and dragged them away from the princess's room. "Come on, let's go back. I'm sure the director wants you to get into your role, mister _bad _guy."

The blond teenager grinned, tugging at the strange costume he was wearing. It was orange, but with frills, dark lines, and a billowing cape to make it look like something a movie villain would wear.

"I still can't believe you managed to sucker the director into letting you be the main bad guy," Omoi said.

Naruto shrugged. "What can I say? I'm an amazing actor. I got Shizuka-chan in the movie, too," he replied just as the trio walked up to where the other members of their group were waiting.

"You only got in because you were fighting these two and the director liked what he saw," Darui reminded, jerking a thumb over at Shizuka and Tokiwa.

"That may be, but Shizuka-sama is only a storyteller in the movie, and she declined to act in the end," Tokiwa argued.

Darui rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Just don't do anything that could jeopardize the mission." Naruto nodded with a much-too-innocent grin on his face. "I _mean_ it," he forcefully added.

"I gotcha, captain!" Naruto saluted and walked over to where director was standing.

The director was screaming for people to get into position, and that included Naruto. They were to do a scene where the bad guy – Naruto – would intercept Princess Gale's ship and try to stop her from continuing onward on her epic quest that was meant to save all of humankind or something.

Naturally, the speech Naruto was supposed to say would fail, and Princess Gale would continue to defy him. The bad guy would swear to the heavens that she would be defeated and that he would dance over her cold, dead body.

As Naruto hopped onto the wooden railing and stuck there with chakra, the director yelled, "Where is Yukie-hime?"

Right as he shouted that, Koyuki walked up to her designated spot, dressed in ornate robes and carrying a fake sword. Her face was set in a steely expression that was meant to scream defiance.

She really was a great actor, Naruto thought. Although, he wasn't quite sure if she was acting or if she was summoning up the emotion because she was angry at him.

Yeesh, all he had wanted was an autograph...

And then the director screamed out, "Action!" Koyuki, along with her partner actors, immediately began to recite the lines they had memorized.

"Look, it's Akuhei!"

"How did that bastard find us?!"

"Akuhei," Koyuki – no, Princess Gale – stated with authority, "how did you find us?"

Naruto smiled sadistically, the rising sun illuminating his features and giving him a grim appearance. "Simple, Princess Gale. Your Holy Sword is always the brightest weapon on the horizon," he tittered.

"What do you want?" Koyuki stonily replied, holding her sword up a little higher, its tip pointed at Akuhei's neck.

Again, Naruto smiled. "I want you to give up. Give up and go home, because you will never succeed." The blond bad guy spread his arms out. "I am Akuhei and I have the power to destroy mountains, to cause tsunamis, and to spread wildfire with but a thought! You could never defeat me, so why even bother to try? All you will do is bring about your early death," he sneered.

Undeterred, Koyuki sneered back. "I will never give up! So long as men like you exist, so long as there is evil, so long as there is injustice, I will keep fighting! I am Princess Gale, the champion of the people!" she cried, sounding very confident and fierce.

Everyone really had to admire Koyuki's talent. Naruto taunted her some more before fading into thin air – literally. Ninja techniques were much cheaper to use than special effects.

"Cut!" Each actor and actress sighed as the director yelled for them to take their positions again. Apparently, he wanted Naruto to put more emphasis on the whole "evil" shtick.

After a few more attempts, the director got a cut he was satisfied with. Koyuki visibly sighed in relief and let her expression sag into neutrality and boredom.

"Wow, Naruto's not half-bad," Karui said, surprised at his mediocre skill.

Samui tapped her chin for a moment. "He wasn't quite as great as Princess Koyuki," she stated.

"Considering that she's a paid actor who does this for a living and I'm not," Naruto drawled, walking over to them. He had refused to take off his ridiculous "evil" costume under the excuse that it made him look cool. "And she still won't give me an autograph! I even asked nicely!"

Darui and Tokiwa sighed, turning away from the immature blond. They ignored his belligerent rantings about the world and how unfair it was.

Naruto crossed his arms and scowled. "I just want an autograph," he dejectedly muttered.

Omoi nodded in agreement. "I want one too, but she's really mean to us. Not just you and I, Naruto. It's like she hates all ninja no matter who they are," he remarked.

"Well, her father was killed by them and her cherished attendant has gone back to help fight against the dictators."

All of the ninja – even Darui and Tokiwa – turned to the director, who was walking by. The older man looked much more serene when he wasn't screaming for the actors to get ready.

Under their scrutiny, the gray-haired director chuckled. He wasn't struck by uneasiness at all. "Yes, Sandayu and I remember when she was younger. She was much happier than she is now. Koyuki-hime is but a shell of her former self, however beautiful she has grown to become," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked. Being a ninja meant it was perfectly acceptable being a nosy person.

"Well," the director began, "I'm sure you've noticed she's been quite snappy at you all. Her father was killed by her uncle and she's resigned herself to her fate of never liberating her country. Although she acts very well, she's forgotten how to act _normally_. Her emotions and will are kept locked away in her heart," he sadly explained.

"She's just given up?" Naruto exclaimed. "That's... a really big difference in character."

"I _did_ say she was good at acting. Much better than you, I'm afraid." Everyone chuckled or smirked at Naruto's expression. He looked like a kicked puppy. "It's been too long since she's returned home. It's time for the people to regain control of their country. I just wish the princess would help herself fit into the role..."

Naruto furrowed his brow. So he had to convince the princess to fight for and with her people, defeat the evil leader – which was her uncle – and ultimately ease Kumogakure's unease with the Land of Snow's recent militaristic attitude.

At least this time he would be actively participating in a rebellion instead of waiting in a house while his godfather got in good with the country's leader. Damned toad sage... the new Mizukage was so hot too!

**VvVvV**

(Nearer to the Land of Snow – Some Random Ice Floe)

"Does this strike anyone as oddly suspicious?"

"Nope," Naruto cheerfully said. "Why would there be a legitimate threat here, on a completely random chunk of ice floating in the middle of the ocean? Come on, there's no way anyone would be able to see us coming here."

"You're not a very careful ninja, are you?" an actor dryly asked.

"Of course he's careful," Shizuka commented. "He's just crazy and crazy people are always suspicious of everything."

The actor gave Naruto and Shizuka a very odd look before wondering away. He understandably did not want to catch whatever Naruto had.

Naruto would probably be the one to figure out how to make insanity a contagious illness if he actually put his mind to it.

The director was on top of the ice, carefully walking through the snow to make sure he didn't fall in and freeze. The gigantic floating hunk of ice had snow on top of it and its rugged contours would serve well as a confrontation scene.

Koyuki, dressed in her battle robe costume, sniffed and rubbed her red nose. She wasn't used to the cold anymore and it felt like she was allergic from being so close to her homeland.

"Are you ready, Koyuki-hime?" Naruto politely asked. The blond figured that being polite would hopefully get her to open up. Keeping one's own emotions locked up was much too boring. There were simply too many things to laugh at and enjoy in the world.

Such as, for example, ordering your subordinates to do silly things when you become Hokage. That was one of the things Naruto wanted to do in the future. According to Kakashi, his dad had loved doing that.

The princess nodded, opting not to verbally reply to Naruto. As everyone took their positions and set up the props needed for one of the epic battles between Princess Gale and Akuhei, the ice floe they were on rumbled.

"Damn it!" Naruto wailed. "I was all in my characterization and everything, and now this crappy thing is breaking up?"

Tokiwa's eyes narrowed. "Shizuka-sama, be alert. I do not think that that was natural."

And then, as if there was a loudspeaker system installed in the place, a voice started to speak. "So! It seems our information broker was correct and that Koyuki Kazana, daughter of Sosetsu, is actually trying to return ho-"

The voice broke off into garbled ramblings, which were unable to be understood. When Naruto cleared his throat, everyone turned to see him holding on to a wire of all things – a freshly cut wire.

"Yeah... I'm not sure how this works," the blond said.

Despite the impending danger, Koyuki nearly cracked a smile.

In an exaggerated burst of snow and theatrics, a large ninja revealed himself. "You little brat! You ruined our introduction! Prepare yourselves for trouble!" he shouted.

Another ninja appeared, only this one had used a white sheet to hide herself. That looked much smarter, because she wasn't shivering like her apparent partner was. She was also much thinner. "We'll give you double the pain as punishment for that brat's actions!" she yelled.

Her bodysuit clung to her body in all of the right places, causing Naruto – and Omoi – to completely ignore her threat and focus on her generous bust. Her pink hair and green eyes were also quite striking. Naruto briefly wondered if she was Sakura Haruno's real mother, or at least an aunt.

How many people had pink hair, for crying out loud?

Weapons were unsheathed as the unarmed and defenseless actors backed away. "They wouldn't send two ninja to deal with us," Darui murmured. "Where's the rest of you?" he demanded.

"You're quite right, my friend!" Snow was kicked up into the air as another Yukigakure ninja showed himself. "Nadare Roga, at your service! I'm afraid we have need of Princess Koyuki, and there doesn't need to be a fight if you just let her come with us."

All three of the Yukigakure ninja had similar armored bodysuits. Normally, any able ninja would've attacked by now, but Naruto and Omoi were still focused on the kunoichi's chest.

Naruto pointed at her. "Who is this beautiful specimen of a woman and why do I not know her name?" he cried. With a quick Body Flicker, he was in front of her and in her personal space, much to everyone's surprise.

Her right hand was being held by his own and there were small hearts floating around him. The kunoichi's partners were quite bewildered at Naruto's choice of action to do anything, thus allowing him to continue unimpeded.

"Oh beautiful woman of the snow, whose hair dances so lightly in the wind, may I please know thy name?" A bouquet of Amaryllis flowers was in Naruto's free hand.

"Uh... I-I'm Fubuki Kakuyoku," she stuttered, still somewhat stunned.

Naruto kissed her hand, causing her to gawk. "Oh, Fubuki-chan! Please continue to grace me with your presence! Perhaps we should get acquainted over a nice, candlelit dinner?"

Her teammates glanced at each other and slowly raised their hands to form seals. Ice rose up from above them and launched forward, threatening to impale and skewer Naruto. They had to be careful so they didn't hurt Fubuki, though.

The blond grabbed Fubuki and jumped away from the icy technique. She was held like a bride in his arms, high above the frost-laden surface. The sound of birdsong surrounded them and she found herself unable to look away from his entrancing eyes.

Her heart began to thump quicker and she found herself getting nervous. No one had ever shown her affection before, for the Land of Snow had a tendency to freeze love wherever it sprang.

"Okay, that's enough fooling around," Fubuki growled, moving her body around and kicking away from Naruto. Wings built into her suit burst out of her back, granting her the ability of flight.

"Noooo! I love you my lady!" Naruto cried as he fell back to the earth. He chuckled to himself and flipped, landing perfectly on the snow as his friends began to run forward to engage the Snow ninja.

Nadare grinned. "A few children accompanied by their babysitters won't do much," he said. Putting his hands together, he yelled, "Ice Release: Tearing Dragon Fierce Tiger!"

At that, Team Naruto broke apart. Darui and Tokiwa engaged Nadare while Naruto and Omoi attacked the still-flying Fubuki. The other guy – who still hadn't given out his name – was forced to fight Samui, Karui, and Shizuka.

The big guy hoped he wouldn't be emasculated by three girls.

"Who are you guys, anyway?" Karui asked, pointing her sword at the big guy she was fighting. He was so rotund that it made his combat suit thing bulge hilariously.

"We're Team Doto, serving under our lord who is the rightful leader of this country!"

"That's nice and all," Shizuka acknowledged, "but who are you in particular?"

"Oh, I'm Mizore Fuyukuma," he answered. With speed belying his size, he ran at the kunoichi with his massive gauntlet a-swinging. Unfortunately for him, the kunoichi were more than lithe enough to evade being hit.

Two of the kunoichi had swords too, so they had the advantage of reach on him. Mizore was still faster than them, though.

"Ha! You must all be packing on the pounds! You all have got nothing on me!" he crowed, evading another sword stab and preparing to pound the kunoichi using it flat. He cocked his large fist back and let it fly...

...Only to have it caught by one of the females. Her bangs were shadowing her face and an eerie aura was oozing from her very being despite how silly she looked.

Mizore blanched as he realized he had just incited the number one thing all men were truly afraid.

"No no no no no no...! I've made a terrible mistake!" he squeaked, sounding much more feminine than before.

The cries of pain and suffering that followed were very audible to everyone's ears. Darui and Tokiwa were professional enough to keep fighting their enemy, but Naruto burst out laughing while he was trying to evade being squashed by pillars of ice.

Fubuki grunted as her bodysuit blocked another sword strike from the Kumo-nin. She didn't know why there were Kumo-nin, Konoha-nin, and ninja from some other village working together. Wasn't Kumo supposed to be universally hated or something for being bloodline obsessive?

The pink-haired woman spun into Omoi's guard and elbowed him in his chest, sending him sprawling. While he was composing himself, Fubuki returned her attention to Naruto, who seemed like he had been playing around with her the entire time.

"Damn you! Fight me like a man, you punk!" Fubuki yelled. Like an angry child, she stamped her right foot on the ground.

Naruto gave her an innocent frown. "But, but! My lady, I can't possibly bring myself to hurt you! You're so-"

The blond had to jump away from the giant spikes of ice that threatened to tear a hole in his gut. "Stop with that act!" Fubuki screamed, feeling thoroughly frustrated at her lack of progress. She began throwing shuriken and kunai in conjunction with her Ice Release techniques.

As bad as the mess of ice and steel looked, Naruto had faced worse. Thinking about his past probably wasn't the smartest thing to do when several weapons and large pieces of ice pierced his body and just kept on going.

Fubuki's victorious shout was cut off by a scream of disbelief that jerked Naruto out of his thoughts. Parts of the steel and ice were getting a bit close to the ship Koyuki was on, where all of the defenseless actors were hiding.

"You're right, Fubuki-chan," Naruto admitted, taking out his telescope and lengthening it. He swung it a few times and held it up horizontally. "I think we should end this before we get any casualties, eh?"

This time, when the storm of ice and steel was launched, Naruto batted them away with his telescope – which was a bit larger than he was – and a bit of wind chakra. Spinning the weapon above his head, Naruto bathed the telescope in wind chakra.

Omoi, who had just risen, backed away from Naruto. Fubuki merely reinforced her stance and eyed the blond in front of her warily. What a curious object he was using...

"This isn't complete yet," Naruto grunted, his voice straining from controlling the high-pressure winds that were compacted around his body, "but I might as well try it out."

The blond jumped into the air and brought the long telescope down in a two-handed, overhead strike. It wasn't meant to hit anyone, but merely served as a way to channel the wind chakra compacted around his body.

When the front of the telescope hit the ground, the pressurized air was released. The direction of the air blasted snow off of the ice floe and into the air, causing Fubuki to be buried under a large amount of the substance.

"All right, we're out of here," Naruto declared. His technique also served as a makeshift signal to get everyone the hell out of there because they were all smart enough to deduce that massive area attacks could damage their mission objective.

Damaging the ship meant no way back, which meant Koyuki would surely die, which meant no autograph. They would fail the mission too, but that wasn't important.

They all jumped back onto the ship and left just as Doto summoned a gigantic whale to – for some reason – destroy the place they were on.

**VvVvV**

(Team Doto)

Nadare and Mizore dragged Fubuki out of the snow. She wasn't shivering, but her pride sure was wounded. Not many people got defeated by being buried under a large amount of snow and her teammates found that to be hilarious.

"Are you sure you're all right," Mizore said, snickering at the kunoichi's irritation.

"I'm fine!" she snapped. "At least I didn't get defeated by a bunch of genin kunoichi!"

"I saw that while I was avoiding lasers and large, bladed weapons," Nadare remarked. "I wasn't aware a man of your strength was able to be overpowered by little girls."

Mizore shrugged carelessly. "They were only using their fists and this armor is strong enough to absorb most of the force."

"It's a good thing that your crotch area is armored... oh, wait," Fubuki deadpanned, smirking viciously at the large man. "Was your screaming my imagination?"

"Calm down," Nadare muttered, stopping the impending argument before it could happen. "We need to report to Lord Doto."

"That won't be necessary."

Much to the shock of the three Snow ninja, paper butterflies swirled around them, threatening to cut into their armor. More and more were added to the mix before dispersing beautifully into the pale, cloud-ridden sky.

A bead of sweat dropped down Nadare's forehead. "W-We weren't aware of a member coming to greet us," he stuttered. His throat felt oddly dry.

The butterflies coalesced in front of them, meshing together in a thrashing mess that eventually gave rise to a woman who was held aloft by angelic wings made up of paper. "I decided to check on you three myself, considering there is a container among you," she said.

The woman was dressed in a baggy black cloak with red clouds engraved upon it. Her short blue hair gently swayed in the wind and her dull gray eyes remained fixed on her subordinates.

"A jinchuriki?" Mizore squeaked.

The angelic woman nodded, her piercings glinting slightly. "Yes. The blond one with the strange costume is Naruto Uzumaki, jinchuriki of the Nine-Tails," she flatly informed.

Nadare and Mizore looked slightly worried, but Fubuki snorted. "So that's how he was able to beat-"

"No excuses," the blue-haired woman interrupted. She turned to Nadare, "No excuses from you, either. The next time you decide to nearly destroy one of Akatsuki's ships _will_ bear consequences. Their destination is your country. Get to it."

Paper butterflies appeared out of nowhere and shrouded her body before vanishing into the sky. The members of Team Doto headed to where their – Akatsuki's – ship was hidden. It was sturdy enough to be hidden near the ice and advanced enough to travel several times faster than anything else on the sea.

"I guess you aren't the only one with a flair for the dramatic, Nadare."

"Shut up, Mizore."

* * *

**Hey look, I managed to fit Konan in there. I was going to have the movie villains work with Akatsuki anyway, but since the majority of people requested Konan, I fit her in.**

**There will probably be two more chapters before this arc is concluded.**

**If there are any errors, let me know. If there are any other girls that you want me to write about, let me know!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: A reviewer got me thinking.**

**I'm sorry for forcing the Power Pole telescope on you guys. I really did do that even though I insinuated that it was meant for other situations.**

**The reviewer also stated that this story is missing something. Do you pleasant reviewers think it's missing anything? If so, please let me know. In addition, if there are any continuity errors or typos, let me know as well.**

* * *

Chapter Nine: Snow Angel

(Flasback, Age Nine)

_Iwagakure was vastly different from Konoha or Taki. Rather than wooden buildings and dirt roads, the not-so-friendly ninja village had stone buildings and rocky roads. It made Naruto want ice cream for some reason. It also made him curious about the foreign village he was in._

_Unfortunately, he was stuck going with Jiraiya to meet the Tsuchikage. The blond knew why doing such a thing was dangerous, but old man Hokage had said it would be fine._

_As dangerous as the Tsuchikage was supposed to be, Naruto hadn't quite expected his... diminutive size. Naruto was – literally – the same height, if not taller, than Onoki of Both Scales. Still, the man had that grandfatherly look about him._

_That made total sense, considering how old the man looked. The blond thought that being short and old would absolutely _suck_. It would probably be smart not to mention it to the guy, though._

_Jiraiya and Naruto were both in an office where the Tsuchikage oversaw all things in the village. It was large, round, and had a tan-colored coat of paint. Chairs were strewn around a large, stone desk where the main boss man sat. Oddly enough, there were picture frames with different people on the walls, each of which bore a resemblance to the Tsuchikage._

_Onoki had a triangular beard, an angular moustache, a big red nose, and rather thick eyebrows. Coupled with his short stature, he looked extremely hilarious, in Naruto's professional opinion._

_Then again, the Third Hokage always came across as a nice old man even though he was supposed to be extremely strong. Looks could be misleading._

_Clearing his throat, the Tsuchikage gave Jiraiya a pointed glare. "Why are you two here? Iwa does not particularly enjoy the presence of enemies within her walls," he gruffly began._

_Jiraiya looked surprised. "Weren't you informed? The Hokage sent you a missive about our arrival, and your gatekeeper deemed us trustworthy," the hermit said._

"_He did, but I find it difficult to believe Konoha wants to negotiate trade agreements for the first time since the end of the war," Onoki countered. "Why now?"_

_The hermit gave Naruto a sidelong glance. Enemies they were, but Naruto had the rather unique ability to befriend people out of nowhere. It was what had helped for his contact in Kiri, so the Hokage might've thought it would help here, dangerous territory notwithstanding._

"_Why not?" Naruto innocently interrupted. With a shrug, he said, "It's not like we want to fight again anytime soon, right?"_

"_Konoha might not want to, but we might," Onoki replied with a tight grin._

_Naruto rolled his eyes doubtfully. "Whatever, old man. It's not like anyone near my age remembers the war or even cares about it."_

_Onoki eyed Jiraiya, who was trying very hard not to snicker at Naruto's blatant disrespect. "What is your name, brat?" Onoki asked. "I know the man you're with is Jiraiya, one of the Legendary Three, but who are you?"_

_Jerking a thumb to his chest and throwing the geezer his trademark grin, Naruto exclaimed, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future badass Hokage of Konoha!"_

"_An Uzumaki? With blond hair?" Onoki dryly remarked._

"_Oi! Don't diss the hair! It's awesome!" Naruto cried, grabbing his mane of golden hair almost protectively._

"_I can guarantee he's an Uzumaki," Jiraiya commented with a smirk. "He certainly takes to sealing like one."_

"_Is that so?" Onoki drawled. "Would Konoha mind if we kidnapped him for our own gain?"_

"_A kidnapping? That sounds awe-" Naruto was cut off as Jiraiya's hand whacked the back of his head. In reply, Naruto glared daggers at his godfather. Getting kidnapped would've been such an awesome experience..._

_The blond would've escaped eventually. No one could hold him in one place for long!_

_Onoki, previous tension forgotten, looked more amused than anything at Naruto's behavior. He chuckled suddenly, his moustache twitching in mirth. "I think we're getting off track here," he chortled._

"_Definitely," Jiraiya agreed with a nod. "Are you willing to listen, Onoki?"_

_The Tsuchikage snorted. "No respect from brats, it seems. Fine, I'll see what you have to offer, but only on one condition."_

_Jiraiya tensed slightly. What would the condition be? Some secret from Konoha, perhaps? A revelation of Naruto's parentage, or even the fact that Konohagakure's container wasn't within its walls? That could go badly in a short amount time, and preventing it would be damn difficult._

_Even Jiraiya, for all of his skill and strength, wouldn't be able to match Onoki for long while defending his godson at the same time. Talk about an impossible battle..._

_The toad sage's musings were cut off, however, by a loud bang. Onoki's expression comically fell as the young kunoichi who had kicked the door open marched right up to him and demanded, "Old man! Why did you do this to me?!"_

_Sighing dramatically, the Tsuchikage's stern demeanor deflated. "What is it now, Kurotsuchi-chan?" he grumbled._

_The girl pointed at the Tsuchikage, ignoring the two guests he had in his office. "You put me on a stupid, weak-ass team! Why couldn't you have let me train with Deidara-nii?" she exclaimed._

_Onoki ran a hand down his face. "This is the condition I'm asking," he said to Jiraiya, "Have your apprentice, or whatever he is, bother my granddaughter so I can have some peace and quiet. Running a village is one thing, but dealing with a sprightly granddaughter is quite another and her father is always busy on missions."_

_Kurotsuchi heard everything. "What? You're pawning this brat off on me? He's..." She paused for a moment, scanning the blond who was staring at her, "...from Konoha? What's going on?"_

"_I was kind of in the middle of something," Onoki dryly informed. A gleam sparked in his eyes, one that made the other ninja in the room shift uncomfortably. "Actually, we were just negotiating a contract between you and the boy here."_

"_A... contract?"_

"_Yep." Onoki chuckled to himself, a devious smile adorning his face. "Konoha has decided to negotiate peace, and in order to do so, we're putting you and young Naruto Uzumaki here into an arranged marriage. He's your future husband."_

"_WHAT?" she shrieked, flinching and backing away from her grandfather. Jiraiya and Onoki both noted that Naruto had shrieked as well. Marriage could be a shocking prospect for someone so young._

"_You can't do this-"_

"_Come on, Ero-oji-"_

"_This isn't fair-"_

"_Enough!" Onoki yelled, slamming a fist onto his desk. "Kurotsuchi, if you and Naruto leave us and allow us to finish our business, I will think about calling off this political contract. Are we clear?" he sternly said._

_Meekly, Kurotsuchi nodded and began to leave, with a shell-shocked Naruto following behind her. Once they were both out of the room, Onoki chuckled at their __naïveté._

_Smirking slightly as he heard the two begin squabbling behind the door, Jiraiya said, "You weren't being serious, right? That was a good one."_

"_Well, it got her away from me for once," Onoki replied, still chuckling slightly._

**VvVvV**

(The Land of Snow)

"Ugh," Samui groaned, not feeling at all comfortable with the strange vehicles they were riding. Although she was a ninja, the bumpy road and chilly air were beginning to get annoying. At least the cloak she was wearing helped ward off the cold...

After getting back on the ship, Koyuki had closed herself off even moreso than before. If she wasn't asked to act, she wasn't going to talk. Naruto found that particularly annoying, because he still couldn't get that damn autograph!

When the ship had docked at the Land of Snow, a welcoming party had been there to receive them. Interference was being run so that none of their enemies would know where the ship was going to land.

The indigenous people were trusted by the director, among them a kindly man with gray hair and spectacles. The man, whose name was Sandayu, had apparently been Koyuki's caretaker at some point in her life. He was the one who had left her to fight for his homeland.

Koyuki had studiously avoided him. How she could do that Naruto didn't know, but he supposed she had a valid reason to act that way. Her caretaker had abandoned her, after all. The tension between them was obviously still bubbling.

"Don't like the-" Naruto's words hitched as their snowmobile thing hit a particularly rocky surface, causing him to sway precariously close to the edge of the vehicle. What made the maneuver worse was that that particular vehicle was rather close to the edge of a steep cliff.

One wrong move and it was a long way down. Thankfully, the drivers were experts in navigating their home terrain. Although, they were pretty adamant on not using the nearby tracks that were on much safer – not to mention _level _– ground.

"You don't seem to like the bumpy road yourself," Samui flatly replied, a grin tugging on the corners of her lips at the sight of Naruto rubbing his behind.

Naruto snorted. "Maybe we should keep our eyes peeled for enemies. We're getting pretty close to the castle, after all," he said.

"Koyuki-hime hasn't been very sociable," Samui muttered. "Do you really think she'll take up the mantle of leading this country? Kumo would like it if she decided to be friendly with us."

"I think she will," Naruto said, "I can see it in her eyes. She might have physically left this country, but her heart's still here."

"That really sounds like a line from a cheesy movie," the buxom blonde deadpanned.

Her fellow blond snickered and pulled out a script from _somewhere_. "I'm practicing. I've got to get better, especially since I'm the bad guy. The bad guy and the main protagonist always have a showdown of epic proportions. I've been making sure I know what I'm doing," he gleefully explained.

Samui made to reply, but her attention snapped to the director, who was frantically shouting for the ninja. At his urgent tone, they all Body Flickered to his position. "What's going on?" Darui asked, an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face.

"Koyuki-hime... Koyuki-hime is gone!" he cried. The man looked like a nervous wreck, and the nearby Sandayu didn't look much better.

"Spread out and search for her trail!" Darui barked, scanning the area for footprints. "If she's alone, then she's as good as gone. We must prevent that from happening!"

Samui gave Naruto a wry smirk. "You were saying?"

"Oh, be quiet," Naruto sourly replied. Jumping away from the now-stationary group of vehicles, Naruto quickly began searching for any clues that would lead to a fleeing princess. For some reason, there were no definitive tracks.

Not quite knowing what to make of that – she wasn't a ninja, so how the hell could she even _do_ that – Naruto headed in the direction from which they all came from. Moving rapidly, with his evil cloak of doom billowing behind him, he came to a forest of dead trees they had previously passed at some point. In the distance, a mountain loomed over the other side of the area.

The forest, despite looking old and decrepit, painted a wondrous scene. Tiny snowflakes were falling from the sky, further shrouding the trees in white. Snow lay undisturbed, with tree branches reaching out as if to escape being buried alive.

It was extraordinarily picturesque. Naruto wished he had a camera – the place would make a great background for a postcard.

Walking over the snow was easy. It was just frozen water vapor and could be traversed by applying chakra to the soles of one's feet. Disturbing the frozen forest felt like sacrilege, though.

Before he could turn back and try searching elsewhere, the sound of light sobbing reached his ears. Frowning in concentration, Naruto strained to hear where the noise was coming from. Who would be crying in the middle of nowhere?

Oh, right. The blond felt like smacking himself. It was the trees and the snow and the forest! Yeah, that was a good excuse...

With a waver and distortion of the air, Naruto vanished. Once he felt he was sufficiently invisible to prying eyes, he began to dash forward. The beauty of the forest was far from his mind as the clouds above began releasing snowflakes in greater quantities.

He had to find Koyuki, and fast. Last time he had laid his eyes upon her, she was wearing a thick coat. Hopefully, she hadn't dumped that while she was running. Freezing to death was terrible and Naruto had no intention of allowing Koyuki to suffer that fate.

The sobbing became louder. He was getting closer.

Naruto stopped briefly to reorient himself. The forest of trees was a lot thicker than he thought, with each direction looking more and more like the next. Suddenly, the dictators controlling the Land of Snow didn't seem all that threatening.

Nature had all the power over humanity, something Naruto knew well.

With a chuckle directed towards the seal engraved on his stomach, Naruto closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and simply listened. Deep in an unknown forest, clad in some odd costume, the blond knew anyone happening across him would gawk in confusion and shock.

The silence of the forest was a boon. The eerie sound of wailing again reached Naruto's ears and he turned to where the sound of crying was coming from.

Naruto snapped his eyes open and rapidly rushed forward, zeroing in on the source of the crying. Eventually, after evading a few branches and reducing his noise level, he came across an interesting, if not concerning sight.

This had the potential to score him points, and possibly an autograph. However, he didn't want to seem insensitive just yet, so Naruto respectfully kept his mouth shut.

Koyuki had traveled a fair distance. How had she gotten so far without anyone noticing?

The princess was leaning on a tree, her eyes squeezed tightly shut. Fat, salty tears were running down her porcelain face and dropping down onto the snow below. Based on the twisted expression she was wearing, she looked emotionally disturbed. Whatever it was, it was causing her great distress.

Every few seconds, a sob would escape her pale lips, though she was trying to keep them from escaping. From his perch on a nearby branch, Naruto forced himself to stifle a sigh. Repressing emotions and feelings was never good and rarely helped.

Talking, on the other hand...

After watching the heart-wrenching sight for another minute, Naruto decided that enough was enough. Allowing a woman to cry was a crime to him. That, and she was going to get sick if she stayed in the weather they were in, fluffy jacket or not.

"I found you, princess," Naruto softly announced, fixing his blue eyes on Koyuki's form. His voice carried far in the quiet, wintery wonderland.

She immediately tried to repress her tears and make it seem like nothing was wrong, but her ruined makeup defeated her efforts. "What do you want?" she dully asked, this time trying to prevent her voice from cracking.

Naruto brushed some snow from his shoulders and jumped down, soundlessly landing nearby. "I was sent to find you. You sure did scare everyone with this stunt you pulled," the blond quietly informed.

Koyuki bitterly laughed and turned away from the Uzumaki. "I don't deserve their concern," she bluntly replied.

The blond cocked his head and walked closer, wondering what she meant. His inquisitive eyes caught her own and he silently conveyed his confusion.

"You wouldn't understand," she muttered, averting his questioning gaze. "Even if you are a ninja, you're only a child. I doubt you have knowledge on matters such as these."

Naruto smiled gently at the princess. "Try me. I think you'll be pleasantly surprise," he said.

He heard a scoff and Koyuki began to walk away, her cloak fluttering as she took large steps to avoid sinking into the snow. "What would you know of a past steeped in assassination, cowardice, and betrayal?" she snapped.

"Considering I'm a ninja, a whole lot," Naruto flatly replied. "I haven't really been set up like that before, but I can tell you think Sandayu betrayed you."

Her uncle probably didn't count at this point of her life and he didn't want to bring the man up and further dampen her mood.

Koyuki stopped in the middle of a few trees. The tracks she had left behind were being filled in by the falling snow. For some reason, telling this odd, blond ninja the truth didn't seem as bad as she had initially thought. He was coming across as much more emphatic than she had thought.

"I don't see how you're a coward, though. It takes a lot of guts to run away in a hostile land of ice."

"What makes you think I was talking about myself?"

The blond decided to take a wild guess. His earlier conversation with Samui helped fuel it, but for the most part it was just a gamble. "The director said that you've forgotten to act normally, but I don't think that's the case. You're punishing yourself, aren't you?" he hazarded.

The woman stiffened and her head bowed in shame.

"You haven't lost your emotions, but you've lost the will to fight for your homeland. Sandayu wouldn't let you come back and fight."

With a shuddering sigh, Koyuki turned around and walked back to him. The expression on her face was stricken and confused. "I... the people of my country must have lost faith in me. I'm only a coward, unable to fight when they have truly needed my help.

"How can I face them when I've been safe and sound far away from my uncle? How can I take the throne when I've failed them all? Even Sandayu didn't trust me," she sadly whispered, falling to her knees.

Naruto put a comforting hand on her shoulder. Blazing blue met deadened light, and Naruto gave her a smile. "Sandayu didn't betray you, nor did he lose faith in you. Why do you think he went off to fight while insisting you stayed away? Your uncle would've killed you immediately, squashing any hopes your people would've had. Didn't you see your citizens receive you? All of them were ecstatic you returned!

"Everyone here wants to see you step up and take the throne. You're the key, you know. This country needs its rightful leader! All it takes is some courage," Naruto exclaimed, giving the princess a wink of his right eye.

"But..."

"But what? They're risking your their lives for you. It takes a lot of faith in someone to do that," Naruto added.

"What about my uncle?" she muttered.

"That's where us flashy ninja come in," the blond embellished. "Don't worry, we'll get rid of him and get you back in power. Now, come on. Let's get moving, or else you're going to freeze. I've heard frostbite sucks."

Despite herself, Koyuki giggled slightly. She wiped away her remaining tears and shakily stood up. Her makeup was smeared and she was very pale, but confidence was beginning to replace emotional pain. Doing something productive was better than freezing to death.

"Naruto... thank you."

Naruto shook his head. "Thank me when you're presiding over this country. Now," he said, turning around and lowering himself, "please get on my back, princess. I'm a fast runner." The blond was happy that he had managed to turn Koyuki's mood around.

Koyuki dubiously eyed Naruto, before jokingly saying, "Should I really trust an evil villain? Last time I checked, heroes and villains don't usually get along."

Nonetheless, the woman climbed onto Naruto's back and wrapped her arms around his neck. Naruto made sure his hands weren't touching anything too personal – he didn't want to lose her trust, after all. Still, he couldn't prevent a goofy grin from breaking out due to their physical closeness.

She was Yukie Fujikaze, the greatest actress of all time! She was one of his idols!

"Not unless it's a well-written romance story," Naruto replied with a smirk. Koyuki simply laughed from her position and hugged Naruto closer to her body. The wind was beginning to pick up and it was chilling her body. "Are you ready? Let's go!"

Without waiting for her response, Naruto jettisoned forward. The snowy trees and similar surroundings blurred into splashes of white and black as he kept speeding up, expertly avoiding low branches and nearly gliding over the thick frost.

Koyuki bit back a playful shriek and, fearing the loss of her grip, held on tighter to the blond who was rushing through the icy forest. Admittedly, the speed at which they were traveling was pretty exhilarating... She hadn't ever experienced anything like it. Vehicles were one thing, but being out in the crisp air made her feel free.

Plus, Naruto's body was warm. It felt nice...

The princess took a deep breath as Naruto jumped high into the air, landing onto a branch and quickly moving up. Once he had a clear view of the horizon, he took a moment to admire it. Then, with his hands securing Koyuki's legs, he sped up once more.

Somehow, he had restored Koyuki's confidence. For that, she was grateful. Her debts were long overdue.

**VvVvV**

"Look!"

Darui's feeling of annoyance was replaced by one of dread. In the air was a large... _thing_; there was no other way to describe it. It was proof that Kumogakure had legitimate, albeit hypocritical concerns when it came to the Land of Snow's recent militaristic attitude.

Karui growled. "How the hell do people just up and build things like that?"

"A benefactor," Tokiwa responded.

"How are we supposed to take it down?" Shizuka asked, staring despondently at the massive, flying object.

"We don't," Samui murmured. "We keep our heads down and hope they don't see us."

"I think that's easier said than done," Omoi added, glancing back at the long line of snow-trekking vehicles that had been momentarily paused.

In the air was a large, metal contraption with a huge balloon on the top of it. Based on the way cannons were distributed among the metal portion of the thing, the ninja felt it was safe to say that it could fire at will. If the vehicles were seen it would probably just immediately fire on them.

"I can use my Black Lightning, but that balloon is a long way up. I'm not sure if my chakra is strong enough to last that long," Darui said.

The director was crestfallen. They were so close, yet so far. The princess was gone, Sandayu and the other citizens of Snow were preparing a last stand, and not even the ninja could defeat that looming fortress in the sky.

"Yo!"

Everyone turned to the new voice. Naruto hadn't initially returned and the ninja had all assumed he was on Koyuki's trail. They hadn't expected him to actually find the princess though. Darui could practically feel the jealousy from Samui and Karui when they saw the princess snuggled up to Naruto's back.

"You found Yukie-hime!" the director breathed, hurrying over to the woman and checking her over for any injuries. Other than her ruffled hair, the princess was unharmed.

"I'm fine, director," Koyuki muttered. Her eyes scanned the vehicles before finding the man she was looking for. With purpose and confidence, she strode over to her old caretaker.

The bespectacled man with gray hair, dressed in an olden suit of armor with a katana hanging at his side, was stunned at Koyuki's reappearance. That was mainly why Sandayu hadn't run over to the princess when Naruto had brought her back. All his eyes revealed was gratitude that she was all right.

"Sandayu..." Koyuki began, "I... would like to apologize for my belligerence. I know now that you were only trying to protect me." She looked around at her future citizens. "However, the present is not for focusing on the past. It's time for me to step up and take control. My uncle – no, the _villain_ – has terrorized my father's homeland long enough!"

There was no outburst of cheering, but everyone was indeed both surprised and happy at their princess' decision. With her confidence and blessing, they would surely overthrow Doto and take back their homes.

Just as everyone was getting fired up, Darui said, "This is a great, dramatic, and heartfelt moment, but we have a problem with that thing up there." He pointed the contraption out in the sky for the blond who had just arrived. "How are we going to deal with that?" he queried.

Everyone looked to the blond, hoping that he had an idea. They watched as, after a few moments, his eyes widened comically. It seemed as if something he taken root in that insane mind of his. The blond furrowed his brow and said...

"I've got absolutely no idea how to get rid of that gigantic flying metal object up there. What? We can't fly! If we had those neat-o suits that Snow kunoichi was wearing, then we'd have a better chance, but we don't, so..."

The Tsuchikage should have coughed up the secret to his flying ability. Damned old man.

Tokiwa sighed. "Right now, the most we can hope for is avoiding a direct confrontation." No need to cause harm or death to come to the defenseless. "We don't have to take that thing down just yet. Let's just keep moving. If we're lucky, they won't detect us."

A blinking flash caused everyone near Naruto to squint and put their hands up to their face. Bright light was emanating from above the Uzumaki's hair.

Naruto put his hands down and canceled the silly Lightning Release technique he was using to signify that he had an idea. "I don't know how to get rid of the flying fortress, but I can hide us from view," he announced.

A lopsided grin appeared on Shizuka's face. "Your Transparency Technique, right?"

The blond container cracked his knuckles and chuckled deviously. "Let's see what I can do."

From the perspective of the floating fortress, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. When they looked over the area where the group of ninjas, civilians, and actors would be, they saw absolutely nothing noteworthy. To be frank, all they saw was snow.

Nothing suspicious was visible to their eyes.

**VvVvV**

(The Flying Fortress)

Doto Kazahana, tyrannical dictator of the Land of Snow, frowned as he searched the snowy land below for traces of his niece. He knew she was somewhere within the country, but he hadn't had any luck finding her.

The rightful leader of the Land of Snow would surely have an escort with her, along with whatever last rebellious idiots he hadn't managed to kill off. With that many people traveling around, it should've been easy to spot the procession.

So far, no luck. It would've grated on his nerves, but he had learned patience. Waiting seven years for the princess to return to her homeland would do that to you.

"Do you see anything, Nadare?" Doto asked in a bored tone of voice. Staring at rolling hills of white was not fun.

Oh, how he wished he could be relaxing back in his brother's mansion. At least the tacky cloak Akatsuki was making him wear felt comfortable.

"No, sir," Nadare replied, walking away from a viewing port.

"What about you two?"

"Nothing," Mizore muttered.

"Yeah, I can't see- wait," Fubuki added. She moved into Mizore's viewing port and narrowed her eyes. Tracks were appearing out of nowhere – vehicle tracks. The falling snow helped obscure part of it, but if one peered closely, tracks were easily recognizable. "Look!" Fubuki pointed out what she was seeing.

Doto smirked and folded his arms over his chest. "One of them must be an illusion expert. No matter, we know where they are now. Let's get-"

"Wait."

Normally, Doto would be angry at being interrupted, but he didn't want to trifle with the rude woman. "Yes?" he dryly said, throwing an irritated glance at the female Akatsuki member.

"Allow me to deal with them. The weapon's key should be easier to get and I doubt they have the training necessary to withstand me," the blue-haired kunoichi droned.

After a moment, Doto replied, "All right, fine. Once you have the key, kill the princess. If not, simply detain her so we can see if the key is still on her person."

The Akatsuki kunoichi sauntered away, but before she entered the loading bay, she said, "This weapon better be worth our time and effort. Our funds are not infinite and this alliance has not bore fruit yet. Our leader is not pleased." The bay opened and she jumped out, wings of paper sprouting from her cloaked back.

The four Snow ninja watched her fly away. "Nice language there," Doto snorted. "I really hope she's the only one who speaks like that."

"At least she didn't kill you," Nadare pointed out. "Shouldn't you be afraid of this... leader person?"

Doto took the slight in stride. "Well, she does seem like she's in control of herself. I don't think little Lord Leader will waste his time coming here to check up on things himself. I've never really seen him in person, anyway. Fubuki!"

"Yes, my lord?"

"Call the conductor. The way the vehicles are moving puts them in line with our, ah, defensive posturing. They shouldn't be able to do anything at that point, especially with that kunoichi flying around," Doto ordered.

The pink-haired Snow ninja nodded and went to fulfill her obligations.

"Cornering them should be helpful," Mizore mused.

"All we care about is the princess," Doto said. "As long as she has the key and is fine, then nothing else matters. If the weapon is as powerful as the notes have said, then Akatsuki will be able to impose its will on the other nations."

Nadare rubbed his hands together, a wicked grin forming on his pale, pretty-boy face. "I can't wait for the free stuff," he commented.

"None of us can," Doto agreed.

**VvVvV**

(With Naruto and Co)

Karui – who had swapped seats with Samui – was watching Naruto from the corner of her eyes. The blond ninja was concentrating heavily in making sure his technique kept everything hidden. No one had spotted any mistakes yet.

Naruto took his skills with the Transparency Technique very seriously. When a mistake resulted in a horde of angry women trying to kill you, perfection was ultimately necessary.

Unfortunately, several cries of pain and anguish caused him to lose his hold over the technique, thus giving away what he was hiding. "What's going on?" he half-shouted, half-asked.

Everyone stopped as injuries became apparent. A few civilians had been harmed by _paper_ of all things, with some looking to be in especially poor condition. With steadily worsening weather, those who were harmed to that extent were done for.

All of the ninja had already leapt up and tensed their bodies in preparation for an attack. In addition, Darui had placed his hands together and Tokiwa had drawn her weapon. Koyuki had exited her specific vehicle to see what the commotion was about.

Her gaze immediately settled on a swirling mass of paper that dispersed, revealing a ninja with long blue hair that reached to her shoulders, watery gray eyes, and a cloak that spoke lowly of her fashion sense. In addition, paper wings were flapping behind her back.

"It is the end of the line for you all," she stoically announced.

"Shit!" Darui hissed, wondering just how the Snow ninja had gotten in contact with Akatsuki. They were prodigious at completing their missions and all they required was a monetary sum. Plus, the whole 'S-rank ninja' thing did wonders as well.

Naruto, however, chortled in glee. "Yes! Another Akatsuki member to add to the handbook! That makes..." The container took out a notebook from somewhere and flipped through a few pages. He bit his thumb and wrote something down in his own blood before snapping it shut. "Three Akatsuki ninja and a few prospective ones," he finished.

The blue-haired kunoichi raised an eyebrow at Naruto's strange getup and at his behavior. "Surrender Koyuki Kazahana or you will all face the consequences," she monotonously proclaimed.

Naruto replaced the notebook and protectively stepped in front of Koyuki's line of sight. "Don't you know that that old villain line never works? All it does is make us fight harder," he chimed. "I think in this case the hero and main baddie teaming up to fight the greater evil works, though."

"Your lack of cooperation will be your downfall," the kunoichi dramatically stated. The papers that were twirling around her wings came together to form a razor-sharp, thin sword.

The Uzumaki's eyes hardened and he raised his arms. His comrades all similarly raised their guard while some of the civilians went up to Koyuki as protection.

"Prepare yourselves!" the Akatsuki woman bellowed.

The pieces of paper flying around her body suddenly changed direction, heading at a rapid speed towards her other foes. Angelic wings – made of _paper_ – beat furiously, enabling the high-level kunoichi to fly forward, sword swinging crazily. The actions happened at the same time, giving her enemies no time to collaborate.

A few realizations were made right then. For one, paper shuriken hurt like hell if they weren't evaded or blocked properly. The paper shuriken also had a tendency to boomerang if they missed, meaning that they had to be cut up or incinerated to be completely removed from the fight.

Finally, a flying person was much faster than a running person. Paper swords reinforced with chakra were also pretty deadly as well.

Naruto clutched the stump where his arm used to be before he exploded into smoke. Snow burst into the air as another blond trickster burst out and attempted to land a Rasengan on the blue-haired kunoichi. With a simple twitch of her wings, she sent the male flying off, where he too exploded into smoke.

The Akatsuki ninja flew up, avoiding a plethora of lasers that promptly changed direction and redirected themselves at their target. More paper appeared around the woman, serving as a makeshift shield that surprisingly stopped Darui's technique.

She twisted away from Karui's sword, kicking the redhead away as the blue-haired kunoichi raised her paper sword and stopped a swipe from Tokiwa. The two exchanged slashes before gravity forced Tokiwa back down to the snow-covered ground.

Wings closed into a protective cocoon, completely stopping the combined Wind Release techniques that both Shizuka and Naruto had fired. The paper, it seemed, was dense enough to block cutting techniques, including bladed weapons.

In a show of speed, the wings quickly unfurled, sending spinning paper shuriken at the ones who had used the Wind Release techniques. While they were busy evading or blocking the attack, the kunoichi discarded her paper sword and brought her hands together, drawing from her well of chakra.

Darui's eyes widened in alarm as he stopped flipping through hand-seals. "Heads up!" he shouted.

Once again, the angelic, paper wings beat repeatedly. The resulting blast of wind knocked the kunoichi's enemies off balance in addition to sending a wave of snow at them.

The attack didn't stop there. What kind of S-rank ninja would she be if she could only send snow at people? Nadare summoned a giant whale, for crying out loud!

More paper flew off of the wings, hitting the slushy ice and slithering towards the rising ninja. A few headed towards the civilians, where Koyuki was safely out of harm's way – or so the princess thought.

The Akatsuki kunoichi flew forward right when her paper snakes wrapped themselves around Koyuki's guards. However, she stopped her determined charge in order to avoid a sword from piercing her chest. Omoi had thrown his weapon in a desperate attempt to prevent the princess from being captured, or worse.

"This is such a pain in the ass," Naruto muttered. The blond's voice caused the Akatsuki ninja to stare dispassionately at him before he disappeared into thin air right before her gray eyes.

Unperturbed by the blond's disappearance, the Akatsuki ninja continued onward. Paper shuriken flew from her wings, aimed towards her right. A puff of smoke indicated a transparent clone had been dispelled. Several other clones were dispatched in the same fashion, with the kunoichi not slowing down at all.

"Samui, help me out here! Storm Release: Laser Circus!"

"Water Release: Water Fang Bullet!"

Water was drawn from the surrounding snow and shot forward along with another series of glowing lasers. A fierce wind was also launched from an unseen location, helping augment the Water Release technique.

The Akatsuki ninja's wings detached themselves as she landed lightly on her feet. Both wings turned into masses of paper that absorbed the impact of the combination technique before returning back to their owner.

Civilians weren't the best guards even if they were trained. All three of Koyuki's guards were downed by the paper snakes restricting their movements, but the princess herself glared fiercely at her opponent.

"If I come with you, will you stop attacking us? I have the key in my possession, but it can only be activated by the rightful heir," the princess slowly offered.

Wordlessly, the kunoichi nodded and allowed the paper to shroud both her and the princess. Naruto ran up to the mass of swirling paper, slamming a Rasengan into it almost experimentally. It took a few moments, but the paper moved up and away.

Koyuki Kazahana was gone.

Naruto glared hatefully at the spot the kunoichi had been standing. Then, he growled in frustration before staring up at the flying fortress. It was beginning to turn around.

Well, at least he had an idea of what to follow and destroy. That kunoichi – and Doto by affiliation – would pay for injuring and killing innocent civilians, as well as for kidnapping the rightful leader of the Land of Snow.

How the hell was he supposed to get an autograph now?


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Does anyone want to help me beta this story? Reading over my work is time-consuming...**

**Sorry for the delay, but I finally managed to brute-force my way through my writer's block. Updates should be easier now that I'm done with this accursed movie arc.**

* * *

Chapter Ten: Heated Ending

(Flashback, Age Nine)

_Kurotsuchi was still grumbling. Naruto followed her like a lost puppy. He didn't want to get married! He was only nine! He still had to outdo his parents, become Hokage, and kick everyone's ass as a super-powered ninja!_

"_Uh, Kurotsuchi-chan, right? Where are we going?" Naruto timidly asked._

_The girl in question huffed and said, "We're going to spar and I'm going to kick your ass for getting me sucked into this! I'm not getting into an arranged marriage to some no-name brat from Konoha!"_

_Naruto blinked dumbly and then angrily snarled at her. "Hey! I'm not a no-name brat! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm going to be the greatest Hokage Konoha's ever had! I'll even be greater than the Tsuchikage!"_

_Stopping at a rocky training field, Kurotsuchi grabbed the collar of Naruto's shirt and shoved him forward. He stumbled, but didn't lose his balance. "I don't care. I'll beat any of you useless tree-huggers, starting with you right here." She cracked her knuckles menacingly. "This ought to be fun."_

_The little blond gulped. "You wouldn't horribly disfigure the son of Konoha's Fourth Hokage, right?"_

_Kurotsuchi's jaw dropped and she took a surprised step back. "W-What? You're Minato Namikaze's son?" Naruto nodded. "I'll... I'll defeat you for Iwa, then! And then, and then... gramps will have to put me on another team! He'll have to cancel the marriage, too! Ha, this is going to be so easy!" she crowed._

_Her hands flipped through hand-seals that caused half a dozen head-sized rocks to rise from the training field and shoot directly at Naruto. Kurotsuchi wasn't using lethal force... really, she wasn't!_

_However, Naruto was far too nimble for her technique and managed to avoid all of the stony projectiles with little to no effort. He sent her a cheeky grin, which only served to make her angry. When she prepared to use her technique again, Naruto vanished from plain sight._

_Lowering her hands, Kurotsuchi said, "What the...? Where did the brat go?" Stamping her right foot on the ground, she deduced that he wasn't hiding beneath her feet, and her limited sensory capabilities couldn't detect him anywhere._

_Then, someone swept her feet from under her, causing her to fall to the ground with a grunt. A deceptively heavy weight pinned her down and her blond foe rematerialized right before her eyes. He was straddling her stomach._

"_So, did I win, Kurotsuchi-chan? You gonna stop attacking me?"_

"_My hands are still free, dumbass."_

"_Oh..."_

_A stone gauntlet formed over her right hand and she punched the blond in the face, sending him flying far away... only to have his body explode into shards of rock. He had substituted himself with one of the many small boulders littering the training field._

_Couldn't have something ruining his adorable face, right? How else would he con portly women out of their candy, food, and loose change?_

"_Oi, oi! I thought this was a spar!" Naruto belligerently shouted, stepping out from behind a large stone outcropping._

"_You're the son of Minato Namikaze, one of Iwagakure's greatest enemies!"_

"_He's already dead and I'm no enemy, damn it! I'm just traveling around with my godfather!"_

"_That doesn't mean anything!"_

"_Oh, come on!" Naruto exasperatedly said. He really didn't want to injure the pretty girl and cause a diplomatic incident. Hell, she was causing a diplomatic incident of her own! "If the Tsuchikage couldn't kill me, what makes you think you could?"_

"_He wasn't attacking you, moron!"_

"_Exactly!"_

_One blond who had been wandering the streets after completing his daily missions stopped to check out the training field from where he had heard squabbling coming from. The ninja had been minding his own business when he heard Kurotsuchi's distinctive shouts._

_The blond's hair was long, covering up one of his eyes, and he had slanted, pale blue eyes. His headband was wrapped around his forehead, denoting him as an Iwa-nin._

_Not that his Iwagakure shinobi outfit didn't._

"_Hey! What's going on here, Kurotsuchi?"_

_Naruto and Kurotsuchi turned to the newcomer in surprise. He was eying the two of them quizzically. "Deidara-nii?" Kurotsuchi asked. "What are you doing here?"_

_The guy shrugged. "I finished my missions. Why are you two screaming at each other?" He caught sight of Naruto's forehead protector and his visible eye widened. "What's a Konoha ninja doing here?" he questioned._

"_I'm traveling with my godfather, but the Tsuchikage got annoyed at her and kicked both of us out of his office," Naruto easily replied. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, by the way. Nice to meet ya, Deidara!"_

_Deidara furrowed his brow in confusion. What kind of a Konoha-nin was this friendly to a ninja of Iwagakure? They hadn't exactly been on good terms since... well, _ever! _Where was the angry shouting, the speeches about revenge, and all of that other crap?_

"_Nice to meet you too, I think... Are you two sparring or something?"_

"_I'm sparring. I think Kurotsuchi-chan's trying to kill me," Naruto dejectedly muttered._

_Deidara turned his scrutinizing gaze to Kurotsuchi next. "What? Don't blame me, Deidara-nii! This brat's the son of Minato Namikaze!" she accused._

"_If Tsuchikage-sama didn't kill him, then he's not really that big of a deal," Deidara said. "Kurotsuchi, you shouldn't cause trouble. It's not like Konoha's caused trouble for us recently. The war ended a long time ago."_

"_Don't blame her, Deidara," Naruto said. He was suddenly standing next to the Iwa shinobi. "If she wants to take out her anger on me, that's fine. I'm just an innocent, young child..."_

_Deidara shot Kurotsuchi a reproving look._

"_...who managed to beat Kurotsuchi-chan in a fight."_

"_This isn't over, you insolent brat!"_

_Deidara hummed in thought before placing a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Don't worry, guy. Anyone who can go toe-to-toe with my sister when she's angry is a-okay in my book. If you're really the son of Konoha's Fourth Hokage, then you must have some diplomatic immunity, yeah? Let's get you some ice cream. Iwa has the best ice cream of all of the villages."_

_If Deidara could get in good with someone like the Fourth Hokage's son, then he was totally going to go places. The position of Tsuchikage would be his, yeah!_

_Kurotsuchi could only gawk as Deidara led a cheerful Naruto away from the training field. Growling to herself, the Iwa kunoichi stalked after them, intent on eventually getting a proper match out of the Konoha ninja._

_If she defeated the son of the famed Minato Namikaze, then her grandfather would have to put her on a different team and cancel their apparent engagement... right?_

**VvVvV**

(Doto's Mansion)

Koyuki sat with her knees drawn to her chest, wondering what she could do to escape the dark, dank dungeons she had been shoved in. Before she had been forced to flee her country, there hadn't been an underground prison.

Apparently her dear old uncle had been doing some renovation.

_Well,_ she mused, _at least the guards are fans of my work._ Her posh cell didn't smell either. The only real issue she had with it was that the mats, bed, and sinks were all drab and colorless. Someone with a little bit of fashion sense needed to spend some time in the area.

After being covered by paper, she had felt a rushing sensation and had appeared right in front of her uncle on his fancy flying ship. He immediately began a grandiose speech, complete with the offer to join forces and rule over the Land of Snow together.

Of course, Koyuki declined. She had no intention of cooperating with a tyrannical dictator. Plus, unlike the cell she had been stowed in, her uncle smelled. It seemed as if he was yet another human being who didn't know the meaning of deodorant.

It actually reminded her of an actress she used to work with who also didn't know the meaning of cleanliness.

Shaking her head slightly, Koyuki rose from her seated position and paced around the stone floor of her cell. To the outside were other, albeit empty, cells, and a hallway with stairs leading up to the main floor of the mansion.

"Excuse me!" she called out. "Excuse me, guards?"

One guard appeared in front of her, as if by magic. His dark eyes and ordinary helmeted uniform sparkling with nervous energy. "Yes, princess? What do you need?" he asked. Then he bowed deeply, as if her presence was something of a deity.

Clearing her throat, Koyuki said, "Could I please get some water? I'm thirsty, and I don't trust the tap. No offense to you."

The guard nodded rapidly and, almost giddily, ran off to fetch her a glass of cool, refreshing water. A few minutes later, the guard returned, although he was slightly shorter than before and his eyes were blue instead of dark brown. Unfortunately, he didn't have her glass of water.

He did have whisker-marks on his face, though. "Guards don't act like that, especially in your movies," the guard confusedly muttered.

Koyuki's lips twitched up into a smile. "Well, I'm generally not seen as an actress in my movies. An actress acting as an actress would be funny though, wouldn't it?"

Naruto nodded with a smirk. "That it would," he said. He retrieved a key ring from his pocket, grimacing at the amount of jingling silver on it. Grunting dispassionately, he took out a crowbar from somewhere on his person and smashed the lock open. He could've used a ninja technique, but that would've had a chance of hurting the woman he was supposed to be rescuing.

The cell door swung open and a bemused Koyuki stepped out. "Is it really wise to be making so much noise?" she asked.

The blond shrugged. "Too many keys and Doto's not here. In fact, no one's here but those lame-ass guards. What kind of guard treats a prisoner with respect? Asking for autographs like that..." The blond muttered under his breath before sighing to himself. "Do you know where Doto went? He left that flying thing here."

"He went to the shrine my father built before he was assassinated," Koyuki said.

"And he took that key thing with him as well?"

"He won't be able to use it. I told him that only the rightful heir can unlock what my father hid, but he just laughed and went with that blue-haired woman," the princess explained.

Naruto hummed in thought for a moment before asking, "Do you know what the key is actually for?"

Koyuki giggled and Naruto felt some of his stress melt away at her melodious laugh. "Of course," she admitted. "It allows the massive generators he built to activate and release heat, thus turning this frozen land into one of extensive greenery."

Blinking owlishly, Naruto forced his jaw to snap shut. Well... that was certainly... interesting...

Massive environmental destruction and possible extinction of localized species aside, the idea was pretty original. Where the hell would all that newly-melted water go? How were the generators supposed to change the climate? That was simply unbelievable.

His surprise and doubt must have been obvious, for Koyuki giggled at him. "Don't worry, my father was very meticulous in his work. He knows what he's doing and I'm sure he had plans for every predicted outcome."

"I hope so," Naruto muttered. He and Koyuki went upstairs, with every guard they encountered either not knowing they were there or ignoring them completely. Provided there were no accomplished ninja skulking about, none of the two-bit guards would sense the jinchuriki and the princess.

"Where are the others?" Koyuki worriedly questioned. "Are my people all right? They haven't done anything extreme to get me back, have they?"

As the two reached the main doors to the mansion, Naruto dropped his technique, simultaneously alerting and freaking out the guards posted nearby. One of the guards actually fainted. Hearing a voice begin speaking out of nowhere was startling enough, but watching two people appear out of thin air?

The second guard stared at the two people that had just materialized in front of him. "They don't pay me enough for this shit," he muttered. "Fine, get out of here. Doto was an ass, anyway."

"Now that's more like it!" Naruto exclaimed, grinning widely at Koyuki. "The protagonist should always be able to win people over to her side!"

Koyuki rolled her eyes and tugged the large, ornately decorated doors open. There was a long path outside that led to a gate, where a large amount of people – all of which were subservient to the princess – were milling about. When their eyes landed on her, they all cheered raucously.

"Did I forget to tell you that Doto had no guards outside?" Naruto dryly said.

"No, but it makes sense considering how easily you slipped in," the princess jovially replied. She walked forward and began to speak with Sandayu and the director, both of which gave tearful hugs to their safe ruler. It was all sunshine and daisies and would've been a classic ending to a film.

Except that Doto was still out there with his henchmen, and he had the magical plot-moving key in his grubby hands.

Darui, accompanied by his team, shoved his way through the crowd and approached Naruto. "I'm guessing you didn't have any trouble?" The blond jinchuriki nodded. "Good. The director told us where the shrine is, so we're going to finish this once and for all," he declared.

"Wait, the director knew about it?" Naruto questioned.

"Well," Darui murmured, looking away, "it's not like Doto would go anywhere else, right?"

"Are we all going to fight them? If we don't have the advantage of numbers, they might be able to overpower us, and then we might fail the mission, and then-"

"Yes, Omoi," Darui tiredly interrupted. "Doto already has a large lead on us. Hopefully we can get there and stop him before he activates whatever it is that key is meant to activate."

The younger ninja nodded, but before they could leave, Koyuki cried, "Wait!" Everyone stopped where they were as the princess hurried over to them. "Let me come with you," she demanded.

"No," Naruto flatly said.

"Doto won't be able to activate the generators without me. If I can get there before he gets too angry, then he won't take it out on the rebels. Please, just let me accompany all of you," she insisted.

"It's going to be dangerous to have one of us split our attention between protecting you and fighting," Samui noted.

"That's why we have the advantage of numbers," Karui said, smirking at her fellow kunoichi. "All of us don't necessarily need to fight. One person can protect the princess while the others fight. And Naruto, since you can make shadow clones to help defend yourself, you carry her."

Naruto might've been a little bit too happy to hear that, despite his earlier misgiving.

The princess latched onto Naruto's back as he created two shadow clones on his flanks. The temptation to place his hands underneath Koyuki's shapely bottom was there, but he resisted... again. "Time to go," Naruto exclaimed. Once more, he jumped into the air, and once more, Koyuki squealed in fright and exhilaration.

Samui was emanating a distinct aura of jealousy, but quickly reigned in her feelings before Naruto could notice. Dense as he was, he still could be perceptive when he wanted to. Regardless, the remaining ninja followed Naruto and Darui.

No one really spoke during the trip. They were more focused with finding Shizuka and Tokiwa. Well, the majority of them were more focused with finding the two Nadeshiko Village kunoichi. Naruto was trying to make sure his passenger didn't fall off of his back and become a bloody smear on the snow-laden ground.

That would definitely have been bad publicity.

It took some time, but the group eventually caught up to the kunoichi. Shizuka was propped up against a nearby tree, streaks of red coating her stomach. "Good, you're here," Tokiwa quickly said, casting a worried gaze towards her leader-to-be.

"What happened?" Naruto squawked, nearly dropping Koyuki in his haste to look Shizuka over for any more debilitating injuries.

"Naruto, check this out," Karui called. Naruto turned to where she was pointing and saw three bloody bodies lying in the snow. One of the bodies was still lowly groaning, but the others were cut up to the point where they _definitely_ couldn't be alive.

Samui prodded the groaning body with her foot and raised an eyebrow. "So who left the kunoichi alive here?"

"Doto left them behind as guards, but we dealt with them," Tokiwa informed. "Shizuka-sama got hurt, but we managed to defeat all of them except for the woman." The attendant sighed and added, "I do wish you practiced more caution when they attacked, Shizuka-sama."

Taking a deep, ragged breath, Shizuka laughed shakily and tried to shrug. "They were being chauvinistic dicks. Even that woman was being a chauvinistic dick!" she cried.

The Kumo-nin exchanged glances. "Does that really count if a kunoichi is saying it?" Karui loudly whispered.

Samui hummed in thought. "I think it'd be more along the lines of battle bantering even if it isn't very cool."

"You two do realize that chauvinism isn't just for guys, right?" Darui dryly stated. Both of the girls blankly stared at him and he shook his head in irritation. "Samui, you're the best at medical jutsu out of everyone here. Help Tokiwa-san heal Shizuka's injuries."

The busty blonde didn't look very happy, but she accepted her orders nonetheless.

After making sure Shizuka's injuries weren't going to kill her, a reluctant Naruto was dragged over to the only surviving member of Doto's – former – team. Naruto's first vocal thoughts were, "Are you sure she's alive?"

His reply was a louder groan from the woman below him. "I'm not dead you bastards!" Fubuki croaked. Her once-shiny pink hair was covered in mud and dry blood.

Naruto thought that that was a shame. He rather liked her hair.

Crouching down to her level, Naruto helped the kunoichi sit up. Sure, he might get stabbed or punched, but as long as he wasn't slapped, he was fine with it. It wasn't like Fubuki could actually pose a serious threat, banged up as she was.

Fubuki did try to resist Naruto's help, but he was much too stubborn. At his core, he was a kind, helpful person, and that extended to everyone.

Except for Orochimaru. Orochimaru went way too far most of the time.

"Are you done struggling yet?" Naruto dryly asked.

"You killed my comrades," she growled.

"Actually, Tokiwa and Shizuka killed them." Naruto smirked. "Mind telling me what other precautions your boss has? He's got to have that Akatsuki ninja with him."

Fubuki opted to keep her mouth shut and glared at the blond holding her.

Naruto gave her a charming grin. "Your comrades are dead and we're going to kill Doto after we're done here. You should be happy you're still alive. My friends cut you up pretty badly," the blond cheerfully remarked. "Besides, when we succeed, you'll be out of a job."

"You mean _if_ you succeed," the pink-haired woman snapped. The guy holding her had to stop himself from laughing out loud.

The bad guy was always defeated in the movie unless he was meant to be incredibly ambiguous. It was practically guaranteed.

"Naruto, hurry up," Darui urged. He glanced at the distance, where several rectangular monoliths were planted in the ground; the shrine they were heading towards would still take a bit of time to reach.

"All right, all right," Naruto grumbled. He eyed Fubuki, whose eyes were beginning to flutter. She had lost a lot of blood and her injuries didn't exactly paint a positive future for her if she wasn't given medical attention.

So he leaned in and kissed her. Mouth to mouth contact actually wasn't needed, but Naruto was a mischievous bastard. He totally wasn't fishing for pleasant female kisses... nope, no he wasn't. Besides, could it really be called pleasant if the woman in question was essentially coughing up blood?

Koyuki was extremely surprised when she saw Naruto kiss one of her former assassins. Since the princess was standing next to Karui, she whispered, "Why did he do that?"

The dark-skinned girl snorted. "Chakra transferral technique. One interesting fact about it is that he doesn't need to kiss a person to transfer his chakra," Karui commented.

Realization hit the princess like a hangover after a night of compulsive drinking. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised," Koyuki replied. "Why didn't he heal Shizuka-san?"

"He can only use this technique sparingly," Darui explained, rubbing his face in frustration. "If Naruto could abuse that particular technique then he definitely would."

Too bad his furry little guest was stingy most of the time. The Kyuubi ignored Naruto's pleas, anyway. It wasn't like it seriously understood the whole idea behind lip-to-lip contact, nor its emotional appeal.

When Naruto withdrew, a furious and bewildered Fubuki was taking deeper, easy breaths. In addition, a few of her wounds had stitched themselves shut. "What... what was that?" she breathed.

"I transferred some of my chakra into your body," Naruto grunted, suddenly looking very pale. "I can't do this very often, so count your blessings that I care enough about my special lady."

The pink-haired kunoichi wanted to shove Naruto away and make a break for it, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. The blond looked absolutely terrible now that he had healed her and that expectant look in his eyes was melting her resolve. Why would he care so much about her?

"Doto doesn't have any other guards. That lady that managed to steal Koyuki-hime from you all is only here for the weapon. She doesn't care about Doto's personal ambitions." Fubuki suddenly let out a bitter laugh. "Great, now I'm a double-crossing traitor. I hope you all don't mind if I ditch this country so I don't get imprisoned for the rest of my life. Prison food sucks."

Naruto was affronted at her words. "I wouldn't let them imprison you, my lady! How could you think your loyal servant would allow such a thing to occur?"

Fubuki gave him a deadpan expression in reply.

Koyuki cleared her throat and inserted herself into the conversation, saying, "I could always give you asylum since you're helping topple Doto's regime. I _am_ this country's rightful ruler, after all."

"Because a ninja-less country recovering from a tyrannical dictator's rule is totally the greatest place to safely hide in, right?" Fubuki sarcastically retorted.

"There's no need to be rude," Koyuki smoothly replied.

"I think she needs another kiss," Naruto piped. He looked all too happy to repeat the deed.

"N-No!" The Snow kunoichi paused and cleared her throat, willing her embarrassment away. "No, that'll be fine. I'll just, uh... head back... yeah..."

Naruto stared at her. "I hope you keep up your side of the deal, my lady. I did save your life, after all," he said.

"Yeah, yeah..." She still couldn't believe he gave enough of a damn to do that.

Seeing that the situation was – mostly – resolved, Darui prepared to leave. Karui and Omoi rechecked their equipment, and they all turned to Naruto, who was still speaking with Fubuki and Koyuki. Every now and then Fubuki would snap at the perverted blond jinchuriki before settling down.

"Naruto, let's get going!" Darui yelled.

Finally, Naruto gave his pink-haired lady a pat on the head – she was too exasperated with his exaggerated actions to try and punch him – and rejoined what remained of his team with the princess trailing behind him. The two clones he had created earlier had reappeared in the trees as security.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to just leave that Snow ninja alone?" Karui asked, throwing a dubious gaze at the stewing Fubuki.

"Yeah, I mean, what if she decides to attack? What if she decides to go back and help her boss? What if she-"

"She won't," Naruto said with complete conviction. "Don't worry, her heart's in the right place. I'm sure she has some sappy story about her past that she'll continually remember if she tries to double-cross us."

"I'd say that's awfully inconsiderate, but we should probably hurry up. Sorry to say, but I don't really care for enemy ninja," Darui stated.

**VvVvV**

(The Shrine)

In many, many movies, the antagonist's desired object – be it a weapon, a treasure, or a device capable of world domination – was always large. A large tool was a representation of the bad guy's might, of how indescribably difficult it was to overcome the baddie's accumulated strength.

Basically, it made the hero look better in the end. Sometimes philosophical jargon was thrown in, but most people attending the movie just wanted to see some ass-kicking and possibly a little bit of drama.

That was definitely why the shrine Doto was at was so large. It had to compensate for _something_...

Or perhaps Koyuki's father was compensating for something, since he was the one that originally built the shrine. Then again, he was the one who actually had a daughter.

Doto slammed his hands down on the small pedestal in the middle of the series of giant monoliths. "Why isn't this damned thing working?! I have the key!" he angrily screamed.

The blue-haired Akatsuki kunoichi was not amused. "It seems that my leader was wrong to put his faith in you," she stoically said. "Especially since you have guests."

"W-What? No, no! This is a weapon and it should work! It _will_ work!"

The kunoichi didn't want to be part of the ensuing battle. She had obtained the key for the man because he, quite frankly, was pathetic, and so far nothing useful had come of it. Funding had been wasted on Doto's plans and that made her annoyed.

Just because she looked emotionless most of the time did not mean she actually was. Now she couldn't use Akatsuki's funds to buy herself – and maybe Pain – more piercings.

The tyrannical dictator of the Land of Snow whirled around to face the newcomers, anger and disbelief etched on his face. "I knew I should have hired those ronin!" he growled.

A group of serious shinobi – and one indignant princess – landed on the oddly solid shrine grounds. Koyuki herself was sneering at her traitorous uncle. "Your men are dead and your hold broken, Doto! Surrender now, or prepare to fight!" she shouted.

Despite the situation he was in, Doto could not help but burst out laughing. He was a ninja and having a princess of all people call him out was just freaking hilarious.

"Since nothing explosive or flashy has happened yet, I guess the key hasn't been working for you," Naruto hazarded, smirking tauntingly at the dictator.

Muttering darkly, Doto folded his arms over his barrel chest and sniffed. "It doesn't matter. Even with your so-called rebels, even if my men are dead, none of that matters. I have the key in my possession and I have enough time to figure out how this thing works. When it works, the ninja villages will fall to my might, and to Akatsuki's might."

He added that last part because the Akatsuki kunoichi was still watching him.

Then, Koyuki Kazahana began to laugh. It wasn't like Doto's loud, raucous laughter. "Only the rightful heir to the throne can unlock your precious weapon. In fact, look who's standing right in front of you."

"Come here and unlock this, girl!" Doto furiously ordered.

Koyuki shrugged and made to stride forward, but Naruto grabbed her and whispered, "What are you doing, Yukie-hime? This isn't part of the script!"

"Just trust me," she lowly replied. The perverted blond was still conflicted, but let her go anyway.

The princess stopped in front of Doto and snatched the key from his hand. "Don't worry, I won't run. It's obvious you're going to win, so I'll just unlock the weapon for you."

Koyuki placed the key in the pedestal and it began to glow, somehow recognizing her status as the rightful lord of the Land of Snow. Embedded in the rock were thick wires that began to crackle and glow with energy, each wire reaching up to the giant monoliths standing tall.

Doto was about to snap Koyuki's neck, but he was too entranced by the flashy colors radiating in front of him. Who wouldn't be? Even the Akatsuki kunoichi was eying the light show with palpable interest.

The light show dimmed, but the loud humming of the monoliths kept up their volume. Following that, warmth began to radiate from the ground, beginning to melt the snow near the border of the shrine.

The Akatsuki kunoichi frowned. "We are pulling out. Your promises have failed to deliver, Doto. Consider yourself an enemy of Akatsuki, if you survive." She burst into paper that fluttered away. No one really attempted to stop her.

"What!?" Doto screamed. "Where's the weapon? Where's the power? Where did my blasted brother hide it!?"

"There was never a weapon," Koyuki said. "My father was a peaceful man and built generators to help change the course of the Land of Snow's future. Instead of consigning us to a frozen fate, he decided to give us a warm, happy ending."

Doto whirled around, staring at each of the monoliths. They were cracking and rumbling under the sheer amount of energy that was being released. He was pretty sure they were breaking some physical laws there, but chakra was a gigantic middle finger to most of them anyway.

"Oh, and by the way..."

Since Doto was facing away from the princess and too involved in a mental breakdown, Koyuki took the liberty of kicking the man's family jewels. That's what that jerk got for offing her father, damn it.

Too bad nothing happened. He was wearing an armored suit powered by chakra. What did she think was going to happen?

"You... I'll kill you!" the dictator screamed, not affected in the slightest. He turned and made a grab for Koyuki's neck, only to have a blond garbed in glowing red that was shifting through various colors grab his outstretched wrist.

Naruto's eyes widened at the way his chakra cloak was changed by the colors emanating from the newly-revealed generators. "This isn't what it looks like!" he squawked. He most definitely did _not_ swing that way.

Doto's eyes bulged out and the muscled man attempted to overpower his smaller opponent. Naruto's grip was nothing to scoff at and the chakra tail behind him rose up menacingly. Unable to escape, Doto was forced to watch the tail skewer his chest, right where his heart was.

The tyrannical dictator fell over like a bag of bricks.

Naruto felt vindicated. He had avenged the innocents who had been killed. It was a shame the Akatsuki kunoichi had managed to escape, but her investments seemed to have dried up, and it wasn't like he could kill her at the moment.

A scene such as this warranted an angst-driven speech about vengeance and justice, but Naruto was still trying to get the image of a rainbow chakra cloak out of his head.

"Well," Karui began, "that was anti-climactic. No final battle? No giant jutsu? I thought you were going all out here, Naruto."

The blond took a deep, gulping breath, finally succeeding in banishing that blasted image out of his thoughts. "Doto's not the real enemy here. Besides, it's not like... it's not like we can't make a sequel, right?"

"No emotional investment, no hatred, nothing..." Koyuki looked up as a giant projection of her father, herself, and a generally private moment were presented for everyone within a mile radius to see.

"Oh, that's embarrassing," Naruto muttered. Based on the princess' expression, she thought so too.

Sure, it was meant to be adorably cute and emotionally rewarding, but perhaps its appearance would've been better suited had Doto's bleeding body not been lying right next to everyone's feet.

**VvVvV**

(Land of Snow Port)

"I see you succeeded here. Nice job, brat," Jiraiya congratulated. "By the way, mind telling me where all of the snow went? It's like someone used a Space-Time technique to warp it all away."

Naruto barked out a guffaw. "Massive generators melted most of it over a week-long period. A lot of the snow has been reclaimed by artificial reservoirs as drinking water. Yukie-hime's father was an engineering master, apparently."

"He was also insane," the perverted sage muttered, not quite liking his godson's answer. "Anyway, you ready to head back to Konoha?"

"I thought we were going to Kumo?" What, no more harebrained adventures outside of the Hidden Leaf?

"I already gave them the information I've picked up from Akatsuki. The Land of Snow has calmed down and is now sympathetic to us. I think you did a great job here. Although, you've got to tell me something."

Naruto raised an eyebrow in inquiry. "What is it, Jiraiya-ojisan?"

"Did you get to see Yukie Fujikaze's glorious body?" he quietly, gleefully asked. A notepad had materialized in his hand from somewhere. He really needed some inspiration for the Icha Icha movie and he hadn't exactly seen the princess' nude body up close.

Second-hand sources didn't count.

His godson chuckled to himself. "I'll tell you the whole story later, ojisan. Not when there's children running around," he replied, walking over to where the new daimyo of the Land of Snow was being swarmed with young children asking for her autograph.

Jiraiya whimpered pitifully but acknowledged that fact nonetheless. He didn't care about corrupting young, innocent children though...

Hence, Naruto.

The blond trotted past the groups of children and admirers before pausing in front of the princess. "I see that you're happy here," Naruto began. He had to speak louder than normal over the multitude of chattering children.

"Oh yes," Koyuki earnestly replied. "Thank you for everything, mister hero. I am surprised you finally stopped wearing that costume, though."

Naruto shrugged. "It was getting stuffy. Besides, I'm just happy I finally managed to get that autograph." He grinned at her, pulling out an envelope that had a rather... _interesting_ picture within it.

Koyuki didn't blush. Instead, she gave the blond a genial smile and reached out to pull him closer.

In front of many children, a few adults, and some paparazzi, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Please do come back and visit sometime."

Despite the bravado he usually spouted, Naruto _did_ blush. He chuckled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah... of course," he said.

Right before the princess left to attend official business, she added, "By the way, Fubuki's part of my new, personal guard. Cliché, I know, but at least this way she can help get rid of peeping toms."

Naruto did not like the glint in her eyes. He watched her walk away, smacking a photographer away as he tried to take another picture of her.

Well, she wasn't too much like pompous royalty, at least. No daimyo in their right mind – at least, none without ninja training – kicked a tyrannical dictator in the crotch, armored suit or not.

Oh well. The perverted blond still had that picture in his possession. That autographed, high-quality picture...

He still couldn't believe she agreed to it.

"Heh," Naruto muttered, "I finally got that damn autograph!"

What a souvenir.

* * *

**If there are any errors, be they continuity or typos, please let me know. since this was written a month after the previous chapter, I might have missed some stuff or made the quality not quite up to par.**

**A few people did want Konoha, so I decided to head there. Any girls in particular who I should focus on?**

**Please read and review! I always like criticism, even though this is a crack-ish story!**

**EDIT 4/9/2013: Fixed some typos. Thanks to fermontie for notifying me!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Please enjoy and let me know what you think.**

**This chapter was inspired by a certain reviewer, by the way. Recent Naruto manga chapter was cool as well.**

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Respect

(Flashback, Age Nine)

"_I can't believe the old man is making me do this," Kurotsuchi groaned. Currently, the Tsuchikage's granddaughter was on a mission with her older brother and the Fourth Hokage's brat._

_It was all ordered, of course. The Tsuchikage had mumbled something about diplomacy and _his_ peace before pawning her off to Jiraiya. Kurotsuchi had gone crazy with paranoia until Deidara and Naruto managed to jolt her back to reality._

_They had done so by 'accidentally' popping a pellet of flour in her face. She tried to kill them – unsuccessfully – shortly afterward, much to Jiraiya's amusement._

_The younger children were ordered to check up on some village near Iwagakure while Jiraiya did... other, more important things. A mission as simplistic as the one Naruto, Kurotsuchi, and Deidara were given should've been easy._

_Deidara was all too happy to ditch his actual team. Sometimes, their jabs at his artistic talent became too much to bear. Hurtful comments were... hurtful. He was so much stronger than they all were, too!_

_Kurotsuchi was happy to ditch her team as well – they sucked _ass_ in her honest opinion – but she didn't really want to go on missions with Naruto. Her older brother, sure, but Naruto was an annoying brat._

_Naruto was just happy that there was someone who liked making as much of a bang as he did, whether it was through pranks or through healthy – yes, healthy – doses of flashy explosions. Hence why he had taken a liking to Deidara almost immediately._

"_Cheer up, Kurotsuchi-chan!" Naruto said with a smile. He picked up a piece of trash and stuffed it into the bag he was toting around. "We're getting paid, you know." He didn't mind helping people out, either._

"_I am a kunoichi of Iwagakure no Sato!" the Tsuchikage's granddaughter hissed. "I do not clean for old people living in some stupid village miles away from my home!"_

"_You mean kilometers, yeah?" Deidara asked._

_His little sister's glare was almost enough to cause him to spontaneously combust. She must've really, really disliked picking up trash. What was wrong with cleaning up the environment? The environment was a beautiful thing._

_Ninja were good at doing chores, though. They were strong, could move fast, and didn't tire as quickly as normal people did. So what if they killed a cat or two? Their prices were to die for!_

_Kurotsuchi made to groan again, but a pleasant tune reached her ears and her complaints were abruptly cut off. The song made her mellow and relaxed, and she suddenly didn't find picking up trash for old people all that detestable anymore._

"_Whoa... what's that sound?" Naruto breathed, sounding very awestruck._

_The older blond among the group was frowning slightly. Being more experienced, he had picked up something that the other two youngsters had missed. To weave an illusion into a sound was a difficult thing..._

_Was this really why the Tsuchikage had suddenly dumped them all onto one team and sent them to this random, conveniently placed village?_

_Maybe he should've just ditched Naruto and Kurotsuchi when his leader found them eating ice cream together. Since when did ninja of enemy villages eat ice cream at the same ice cream shop, anyway? They weren't even arguing over flavors, for crying out loud!_

_Naruto wasn't picky, Kurotsuchi was too busy trying to outdo him, and Deidara was humming a jaunty tune when they were found. It was a rather unconventional sight for the Third Tsuchikage's eyes._

_Deidara followed his juniors and they eventually found a young, redheaded girl expertly playing a flute. She was dressed in brown rags that somehow resembled clothing and had a strange cap on top of her head. Her pale skin was marred by dirt and a bag of coins was situated protectively between her legs._

_Huh, so she was conning a bunch of old people with genjutsu. Damn, that sounded utterly despicable._

_At least she wasn't outright robbing them right in front of their kind old eyes._

"_Hey guys, stop for a second," Deidara said, hoping to stop his temporary teammates from getting too close to the girl. Kurotsuchi listened._

_Naruto did not. It shouldn't have really surprised anyone, given his casual disregard for his superiors. Deidara hadn't known him for too long, though._

"_Ha, you're really good at that, aren't you?"_

_The redheaded girl opened her dark brown eyes and met the blond's own, but did not stop playing her flute. For once, Naruto wasn't affronted that he hadn't been dignified with a response. He was perfectly content to listen to her playing._

_...It made him want to give her some of his money, for some reason._

_Behind him, Deidara and Kurotsuchi were exchanging flat expressions. "Does he know what she's doing?" Kurotsuchi whispered._

"_I don't think so," Deidara replied, just as quietly. "He's younger than us, ain't he?"_

_Naruto ignored the two ninja behind him as he took out a frog-shaped wallet and pulled out a few bills. The flutist stopped playing and raised a wary eyebrow._

"_You know, if you wanted money, you could've just asked," Naruto said with a shrug. He thrust out a hand containing balled up bills, but the girl didn't move. The blond rolled his eyes. "Just take it. I'm not a dick, you know."_

"_You're a fucking ninja," she lowly responded._

_Eyebrow twitching, he said, "That doesn't mean I'm a dick."_

_Still staring at him, the girl lashed out with her own hand and snatched the money from Naruto's outstretched fingers. She must have had some ninja training from somewhere, because she picked up the bag of coins between her feet and hightailed it out of the clearing so fast that Naruto nearly blinked and missed it._

_Some old people shot disapproving glances to the three ninja that remained in the village square. It was such a shame to oust a promising musician._

"_She's a street urchin," Kurotsuchi murmured, staring at the direction the flutist had run in._

_Deidara nodded. "Not every village is well-off like the greater ninja villages. You brats should be lucky that you are where you are in life," the blond said._

_Naruto furrowed his brow. He had been alone once. It wasn't something he really remembered since his days had been filled with pranks, ramen, and old man Hokage visiting, but he had once been all alone in a village that obviously disliked him._

_He hoped he could see the girl again. No one deserved to be alone and he felt that he could sympathize with her._

_The blond really liked her red hair for some reason, too._

**VvVvV**

(Konohagakure no Sato)

Naruto was sitting on a tree branch near the baths, a notebook and a pen in his hands. Currently, he was chewing on the end of the pen, trying to figure out how to make the story he was writing seem more realistic.

It wasn't like women spontaneously decided to fondle each other in a sexual manner while cleaning their bodies. That just didn't happen unless everyone was _extremely_ drunk or unless you were very imaginative Jiraiya.

One couldn't help but dream though, right?

"Let's see here..." he muttered, scratching out something he had written and replacing it with a scene he thought would better fit his story. Every now and then he cast a long, appreciative glance down at the baths in order to ward off writer's block.

Oh, there was steam rising from the baths that threatened to obscure the glorious sights within, but it was thankfully – and coincidentally – a somewhat windy evening. If the steam became too much of an irritant, a soft breeze would blow it away.

Such a thing was most definitely a coincidence.

An idea suddenly struck him and the blond began to furiously scribble down what he could before the inspiration disappeared into the moonlit sky. Grinning to himself, Naruto knew that he would manage to bring in both male and female readers when he finished his story... hopefully.

Looking down at the steamy bath once again, Naruto gave the women below an approving once-over. None of them were ninjas – if they were kunoichi, then his presence would've been uncovered almost immediately.

Just because a woman wasn't a kunoichi didn't mean she wasn't attractive. Besides, some ninja opted to elope or form a relationship with partners who weren't ninja. That wasn't restricted, was it?

The nurse from the hospital was there too. She was the only one who Naruto distinctly recognized, unfortunately.

"Naruto Uzumaki."

Naruto sighed to himself as one of the nearby women stiffened and looked around. Of course the idiot behind him hadn't realized that secrecy was crucial. However, the perverted blond couldn't really blame him since the guy was still technically a rookie.

How had the ANBU not beat the dramatic attitude he had out of him? You couldn't be dramatic if you were one of Konoha's elite ANBU.

Kakashi Hatake was the only exception.

"Thanks for letting the entire village know I was here," Naruto hissed, turning his head to glare at the uniformed Sasuke Uchiha. The only thing missing was obviously the mask.

Sasuke's lips quirked, but he tried to remain impassive. "You do know that the Aburame Clan has a mission request they want to enlist you for, correct?" he asked.

Naruto paused and then returned his attention to the baths. They were empty. Horribly, terribly, empty. What a shame. "Tell them I said no," Naruto replied, unable to keep to annoyance out of his voice.

"And what reason should I give them when I tell them you refused?" Sasuke dryly said.

The blond scoffed. "Tell them I was too busy working on my latest masterpiece. I'm sure they'll understand."

The last, loyal Uchiha blinked dumbly. "Uh... _what_? They'll understand? Understand _what_?"

Naruto turned around to face Sasuke fully. His eyebrows were raised in surprise. "You don't know?" The ANBU continued to dumbly stare at him. "The Aburame Clan is full of perverts. Why do you think so many women avoid the male members of their clan?"

Based on the skeptical expression Sasuke was wearing, Naruto was sure the guy didn't believe him. Did he think people disliked the Aburame Clan because of their insects?

Of course not! After so many years of loyalty, no one would really care unless they were purposely riling one of the clan members up. Stoicism could only be maintained for so long.

"Yeah, well," Sasuke coughed and cleared his throat, "you're still being enlisted. I'm sure a courier will remind you if you don't come with me."

"I know where the Aburame Clan compound is," Naruto deadpanned. He had, of course, pranked practically everyone back when he was younger. And, more recently, had been wondering if the Aburame Clan compound had their own baths.

He _would_ find a Aburame kunoichi without a heavy trench coat on, damn it!

"That's nice and all, but you aren't going to the clan compound," Sasuke said. He rubbed his brow before continuing, "You're supposed to meet up with the team led by Kurenai Yuhi. They were going to leave the village a few hours ago, but no one could find and inform you of what was going to happen."

Sasuke didn't sound too happy about that last part. Naruto figured that the Uchiha considered it a slight to his skills... or possibly an extreme annoyance. He probably just found Naruto annoying.

Naruto frowned thoughtfully. "Kurenai has an Aburame on her genin team, right?" Sasuke nodded. "Was he the one who suggested I go along?"

"How should I know?" Sasuke said with a shrug. "Look, you're wasting my time here. Can you just go to Training Field Five? Hokage-sama said they're waiting for you over there and I'm pretty sure their patience is running thin."

The blond sighed and rose, dusting his flamboyant clothing off and stretching his legs. "You think they'll forgive me?" Naruto questioned.

"I'm sure they'll understand."

Naruto was seriously tempted to punch the ANBU in front of him. The old man would understand why Naruto had committed treason.

Before Naruto jumped off of the branch or vanished in some ninja-like way, he turned to Sasuke and asked, "How are the ANBU Corps treating you, by the way?"

"It's..." Sasuke forced himself to repress an uncharacteristic, giddy grin. Last time he had smiled like that, the captain of his squad had ordered him to take mandatory counseling. "It's not easy. I don't think my body will ever stop hurting, but the benefits are well worth it."

"I wouldn't expect it to be easy." Naruto smirked at Sasuke. "Go on any high-profile missions yet? Assassinate a high-ranking official? Chase down an S-rank missing-nin? Punch a baby?"

"No, I was given the extremely sensitive and delicate mission of delivering news to certain ninja," Sasuke muttered. He thought the ANBU hazing ritual sucked.

"Ah, don't worry," Naruto said, "you'll get the high-ranking missions someday, when you're not essentially a cute little rookie trying to take on the world. Everyone has to start somewhere."

Sasuke mouthed the words Naruto had said and then scowled. "So then, where did you start? You were the most powerful genin back at the exams and some of the ninja from the other villages already knew who you were. When did Jiraiya start training you? Why would a ninja of Jiraiya's caliber take an interest in you?"

"I'm a special case," Naruto easily replied. "Jiraiya-ojisan knew my parents and he's my godfather. I might have mentioned that before, but my memory for little things like that isn't the greatest. Stuff like that is for another time, though.

"It doesn't really matter where you start as long as you believe that you can achieve your goal, so long as that goal isn't something that's horribly self-destructive or completely inhumane. Anyone can become a legend if they apply themselves correctly. My dad wasn't from a fancy clan or anything and he managed to go pretty damn far in life."

Anyone could become a legend, whether that legend was seen as positive or negative. Make sure it's positive. People tend not to like the legends with negative connotations around them.

A thoughtful expression passed over Sasuke's face. "Anyway, I'm sure you're busy delivering news to random people. If you ever get too down in the dumps, read a page or two from this." Naruto shoved an orange book into Sasuke's hands. "Don't worry, reading is good for you."

Naruto saluted the raven-haired teenager and vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving a bewildered Sasuke behind clutching an orange book.

The Uchiha furrowed his brow at the title and cautiously cracked open the book. Then, he flipped to the first page, curious to see what was written inside.

The blond halted his Body Flicker at the entrance to Training Field Five. Sure enough, he could see Kurenai Yuhi standing amongst three shorter people. She was speaking in a lecturing tone to the genin she was in charge of.

"Yo!" Naruto cavalierly called, catching the attention of the teacher and her students. As he approached them, he saw that Kurenai was wearing a _very_ pronounced frown.

She definitely wasn't happy. Neither was the Inuzuka, if the furious sneer he had on was any indication. The Aburame was silent and expressionless and the Hyuuga heiress – he wished she wasn't wearing that bulky jacket – was fidgeting.

"_Chunin_ are supposed to be punctual," Kurenai noted. Her arms were unfortunately crossed in a way that did little to bring out her chest.

Before Naruto could speak, Kiba growled and yelled out, "Dude, we've been sitting here for five hours! Where the hell were you!? We're pretty much screwed now!"

Shino nodded. "Although I am certain you had a good reason for your tardiness, delaying our departure was not wise."

Hinata was silent. Naruto eyed her for a moment as she ducked her head and avoided his gaze. He really wished she wasn't wearing that jacket... Hyuuga females were notorious for having large busts.

But, ah, personality counted too. Very much so, in fact. Let it be known that Naruto Uzumaki was not as shallow as he appeared to be.

"Well, I'm here now. Shall we go?" Naruto nonchalantly said, ignoring the fact that he had been late by several hours. Maybe being acquainted with Kakashi would serve as a suitable excuse?

"Do you even know why you were called here?" Kurenai asked. Naruto paused and shook his head, giving the jounin an innocent, charming smile. With a sigh, Kurenai added, "We're searching for a special type of bug that was once used by the Aburame Clan. Its heavy usage caused the species to become endangered, but as of recently it is no longer in danger of becoming extinct. Shino?"

Shino nodded. "The Bikochu beetle has a sense of smell that is several times more powerful than even a ninja dog's nose. This special trait of theirs makes them excellent trackers. Hokage-sama has authorized my clan to begin using the beetles again due to the recent attack on Konoha. My father recommended you as a supportive member of our team."

"We're heading to one of the nature preserves near Konoha, then..." Naruto looked up and stared at the starry sky. Searching for bugs reminded him of a mission he had once run as a favor to Kurotsuchi. The mission itself was for a friend of hers who was related to the First Tsuchikage.

"You know of it?" Shino queried, slightly tilting his head.

"I've been there before, but I've never had to search for the Bikochu beetle. To be honest, I was hoping to stay in Konoha a bit longer and visit Ayame-chan and that panda girl, but..." Naruto trailed off. "At least the weather won't be so cold."

No one really understood the stupid grin that took over Naruto's face.

"Are you packed and ready?" Kurenai gestured over to a tree standing at Naruto's right, where three traveling packs were propped up.

"I'm always ready," Naruto chirped. He was always ready because he had seals lining the inside of his vest, shirt, pants, and his arms. The blond was a walking armory.

What else could he say? Playing with sharp, pointy objects was fun when he wasn't playing with blunt, wooden ones.

"Unfortunately, since you were incredibly late, my genin were going to rest their bodies for a bit," the jounin said.

Naruto glanced at the three genin and huffed. "Oh, come on! You guys don't even look tired!"

Kiba growled again. "How in the world are you a chunin? My sister never whines and she's been a chunin for as long as I can remember! She's never late to anything, either! How were we supposed to know you were going to show up?"

Naruto needed to visit Hana, too. Kiba's reminder was silently thanked.

"The nature preserve isn't far from Konoha's front gates," Naruto retorted. "Ninja are trained to operate under little amounts of sleep. None of you look exhausted from my point of view and if you're so angry at me for being late, then you should be willing to make up for lost time. No one notified me about this mission in advance, you know. If I can deal with it, then you can suck it up."

Kurenai rocked on her heels for a few moments, observing how Kiba's face twisted in anger, how Shino seemed to agree with his – technically speaking – superior, and how determination began to leak from Hinata.

"Nice pep talk there," Kurenai dryly remarked, cutting off Kiba's temper before it could explode.

All of a sudden, the authoritative aura Naruto had been emanating was gone and in its spot was a goofy, mischievous prankster who was rubbing the back of his head. "It's true, you know," he insisted.

"Very well," Kurenai said in assent. "Try not to fall asleep on the road, Kiba. We're going to be moving fast since I'm sure Konoha isn't the only village that would benefit from having the Bikochu beetle in their possession."

Akamaru – who had been hiding within Kiba's jacket – barked to emphasize the point, much to the Inuzuka's chagrin.

**VvVvV**

(It's a Nature Preserve!)

The Fire Nature Preserve was a comparatively short distance away from Konoha. The name was given to it just because it was within the Land of Fire.

A wonderland filled with special bugs and plants made up most of the population of the forest, with a few native animals that feasted on whatever specialized food sources they needed. Much of the wildlife inside technically belonged to Konoha.

Therefore, poachers, thieves, and enemy ninja periodically broke in to get the little goodies hiding inside. Who wouldn't want flowers that, when boiled and treated with certain other herbs, made you as high as the freaking sky?

Naruto could never really see why anyone would want drugs. He wasn't affected by them unless they were potent enough to kill, which practically made most legal and illegal substances useless to him, provided they weren't true poisons.

Besides, ninja could always enlist the services of an illusion specialist. A few hand-seals and some chakra, and the patient was all of a sudden in some fantastic park, complete with sensory stimulation.

The only real issue was that illusion specialists skilled enough drop a person into a hallucination powerful enough to mimic a drug's effects were rare. Really, _really_ rare. Naruto couldn't name any off the top of his head.

He wasn't sure if Kurenai was adept enough to do such a thing. Her illusions were likely more suited for battle.

"Uzumaki-san-"

"Please call me Naruto," the blond interrupted.

"Naruto-san, are you aware of the Bikochu beetle's physical characteristics?" the Aburame asked.

"Yeah, of course. But, uh, could you remind me?" Kiba rolled his eyes. Shino didn't. A photograph was handed over and Naruto gave it a quick, cursory glance. The beetle's image was engraved into his mind.

The sun was just peeking over the horizon, casting its morning rays onto the dew-covered leaves of the trees. The grass was slightly damp and the beginning of the day cool. All in all, perfect weather. The only real issue was that Kurenai's genin were tired.

Sure, Naruto had told jokes and messed around with them while they were traveling in order to keep them awake, but walking could be just as tiring as running depending on the situation. Kurenai was still wide awake, but she was a jounin and the amount of badassery that title inherently carried made her the exception.

He had tried to get to know the genin as well. They had spoken back at the exams, but nothing had come out of that. Naruto hadn't even been able to ask the Hyuuga heir out.

No, Naruto wasn't aiming to ask Hinata out simply because he thought she was attractive. It wasn't because she smelled nice, either.

He really wanted to see the expression the Hyuuga elders would wear if their heiress came home reading pornography. Granted, it was _amazing_ pornography, but it was porn nonetheless.

However, getting a chance to corrupt the kunoichi wouldn't matter if she was too timid to begin with. Whenever he tried to drag her into a conversation – subtly, of course – she would duck her head or look in the opposite direction.

Kiba was friendly enough given the situation and Shino was... Shino. Somewhat emotionless, but still nice. Kurenai was, as always, smoking hot, but more focused on lecturing her students. They were still genin, after all.

Hinata just seemed to close in on herself. Naruto would need to fix that. Then... then...!

Then that jacket would surely come off. Women were beautiful and that beauty was meant to be shown! It was something to be proud of!

Timidity did not do beauty justice even if Hinata was pulling it off exceptionally well. Everyone needed their dose of badassery. Kurenai wasn't enough.

"Team Eight, we're splitting up and looking for clues," Kurenai commanded. "Naruto here will come with me for this strictly professional and crucial mission."

Naruto slumped and the genin left, searching for the beetle they needed to find. Once they were gone, Kurenai turned to Naruto and gave him a genial smile.

"You know, I'm glad you were trying to involve Hinata," she began.

The chunin smirked cheerfully at the jounin. "Yeah, a kunoichi like her should be commanding attention and admiration, especially since she's the heiress of the Hyuuga Clan."

"I'm sure you saw she was the opposite," Kurenai said, sounding slightly sad.

The blond nodded. "I'm guessing she's a very kind person, right?"

"She's always been one to help," Kurenai murmured. "Personally, I think it's a good thing that she's such a kind kunoichi. She's always asking if her teammates are all right and always helping others. Hinata's quite the burgeoning medic."

"And her clan doesn't like that," Naruto said, furrowing his brow. Last time he checked, Hyuuga medics were extremely popular. No need for surgeries when their eyes could find where it hurt the most.

It was a great cost reducer too. A Hyuuga medic was easier to pay for than extensive surgeries and the painkillers that followed those surgeries. The only real issue was that not many Hyuuga decided to pursue that path.

Perhaps it was because being a medic-nin was difficult. When Tsunade returned from her most recent gambling trip, she could reboot the program with her excellent skills if she decided not to destroy everything with her short temper.

Regardless, Naruto didn't know why there weren't many Hyuuga medics. Hyuuga females with large bosoms dressed in nurse outfits was a sight he'd eagerly kill for.

"I'm fairly sure a few ninja I know would approve of that path, but being the Hyuuga heiress doesn't leave her with many options," Kurenai stated. "The heiress needs to be commanding and respectable, else she'll be passed over. Since Hinata has a younger sister, it's entirely possible that her clan will brand her with that despicable seal they use if Hinata doesn't meet their expectations."

"She's been timid all her life, hasn't she?" Naruto softly asked.

"To my knowledge, yes," Kurenai admitted. "During her academy years, she was a much worse introvert. I believe the only one who managed to get her to open up and feel somewhat secure with herself was Iruka Umino. He told me once that he saw himself in her."

Naruto hummed in thought. "That's... interesting, I suppose."

There was a companionable silence. The older woman was lazily scanning her surroundings on the off-chance that the insect they were looking for was hiding in the plants.

Afterward, Kurenai asked, "What are you going to do? Are you going to try to get her to open up?"

"Oh yeah," Naruto said with a bow of his head. He always relished a challenge. "I find that those who help others are more worthy as human beings than those who rely primarily on brute force. Hinata-chan is fully capable of getting the respect I think she'll deserve."

Kurenai eyed him. "One of your reasons better not be selfish," she warned. "If this is some abhorrent scheme to convince her to do things that are... less than appropriate, I will kill you, jinchuriki or not."

Naruto turned to her with a wry grin. "That's the only issue there," he said. "You can't kill a jinchuriki like me." He folded his arms and puffed up his chest. "I'm just too amazing, sexy, and... did I say amazing? Yes, I'm too amazing to die."

"Don't underestimate genjutsu. It might very well be the end of you," Kurenai said with a wry grin of her own.

"Heh. You shouldn't worry about Hinata," Naruto reassured. "Why would I focus on a teenage girl when I've got the real deal here?" He waggled his eyebrows at the woman.

The jounin's expression immediately turned deadpan. "How did I not see this coming?" she flatly mused.

"I got you a present for our first date, by the way," Naruto said. He brought out an orange book with a signature on the bottom.

Kurenai turned murderous. "Why would you bring one of those dirty books on a sanctioned Konoha mission?"

"Everybody loves Icha Icha! It helps soothe the nerves, you know."

"That smut is degrading to men and women and provides a shoddy example of how intimate relationships work!"

"Don't try to deny it, Kurenai!"

**VvVvV**

When the sun rose high in the sky, everyone's stomachs began to simultaneously rumble. Not really, of course, but they were all well and truly hungry.

Upon reaching the forest, they had had a meager breakfast before beginning their search. After their fruitless efforts, Team Eight plus one Naruto Uzumaki came together at the entrance to the forest.

That time, Naruto tried harder to engage Hinata in conversation. Whenever she ducked her head he would take the liberty of invading her personal space by putting his hand on her chin and physically – but gently – lifting her head up so she could meet his eyes.

"Hey." Soft words of encouragement helped, too. "Chin up, Hinata-chan. Someone as pretty as you should be walking with their head held high."

Hinata's face reddened. Whether it was from embarrassment or from Naruto's touch wasn't obvious. The Hyuuga heiress still seemed to be a bit uncomfortable when she was with other people who weren't those she was familiar and friendly with.

"Hinata," Kiba slowly began, "is Naruto bothering you?"

Inuzuka were fiercely loyal ninja. They were loyal to their teammates, their comrades, and their village above all else. If someone was harming or bothering those the clan was loyal to, the situation would get bloody – and pretty painful to watch, too.

Kiba didn't have any romantic interest in Hinata. Sure, she was attractive and kind, but he was more concerned with creating a team that could flow efficiently. A team with a certain chemistry could get missions done faster, better, and thus make Konoha look better.

He didn't have anything against ogling attractive women, though.

"N-No, Kiba-kun," Hinata quietly replied. She flushed when Naruto gave her a wide grin and launched into another of his stories about one of his past adventures.

They might as well get some team bonding done before they had to resume their search for the elusive Bikochu beetle. Team bonding was crucial to making the team members work well together.

A short distance away, a small, unassuming spider disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Team Eight, Kurenai, and Naruto were none the wiser to its lost presence as they cleaned up their lunch site and reentered the forest.

* * *

**Here's a more serious chapter with some character development. Tell me what you think about Hinata's minor snapshot into the past.  
**

**Kiba bashing stories are really strange. Unlike Sasuke/Sakura bashing, I have no idea why Kiba would get bashed. Like, _ever_.**

**Also, I'm not one to dislike the Naruto/Hinata pairing. I just find the cliches that have stricken that particular pairing to be strange and inane. Seriously, Naruto suddenly recognizes that Hinata likes him and then automatically falls in love with her right afterward? And then they go on a magical adventure together, complete with underage sexual adventures? Don't forget the bashing! ...No thank you.**

**Anyway, leave a review and tell me if there are any typos or errors. Thanks for reading.**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve: Disdain

(Flashback, Age Nine)

_She wondered what she had done to deserve this... this... this parasite! The redhead would admit that she'd been pretty rude throughout her life, but all she was trying to do was keep away from threats and gather enough money to sustain herself._

_Surely that wasn't all bad, right?_

_The blond boy she had encountered the day before had sought her out without those other ninja accompanying him. Then, for some reason, he had started to chat with her. _

_Non-_fucking_-stop. _

_It was incredibly distracting and she couldn't even pull out her flute to play a tune that would calm her temper down. If she tried to play some music, his grating voice would probably force her to smack him with her flute._

_She really didn't want to break her flute._

_Making money off of her music was impossible if the blond guy – Naruto – was scaring away everyone who would've given her their charity! Apparently, if you associated with ninja, you had to be stacked in terms of cash... which she wasn't._

_The only thing Naruto was good for so far was his food. He was insistent on sharing whatever morsels he had in his pockets. The redhead was grateful for that, but she wasn't about to let Naruto know. Images had to be maintained, after all._

_Still, she wished he would leave her alone. Part of her was wondering if he ever stopped smiling, or if she would go blind if he didn't stop acting like a second sun in the sky._

_Finally, she clutched her long red hair and yelled in frustration. Naruto cocked his head at her in reply. "Do you ever shut up? Fuck, I can't concentrate on _anything _when you're talking, you shithead!" she moaned._

_Naruto chuckled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. She noticed he was prone to doing that when he was embarrassed. "Sorry, sorry... I forgot that girls like to do most of the talking," he chirped, remembering something his godfather had mentioned._

_A dark aura began to radiate from the girl's body and her lips twitched into a sneer. "What did you say, fucker?" she hissed._

"_What?" the blond obliviously replied. "If you want to talk, just say so. I'm not that selfish, you know."_

_And, technically, she did know. He _had_ shared a lot of his food with her. Sure, she had been wary at first, but the food wasn't poisoned, or drugged, or anything like that. Part of her liked the attention regardless of how annoying its source could be._

_Sighing to herself, the girl shook her head as her temper evaporated. She stopped and sat down onto a nearby bench. "Why are you still talking to me?" she quietly asked._

_Naruto blinked. "Uh, what?"_

"_Why do you care about what happens to me?" she elaborated. "I'm just an _orphan._" Evidently, the thought of being an orphan brought back bad memories, for she squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep, shaking breath._

"_Ah, well, that's one thing we have in common. I'm an orphan too," he admitted._

"_Bullshit," she immediately said. "You have this old guy and this godfather that you were talking about an hour ago. Sounds like ninja get all the benefits if you ask me."_

_Naruto did not like the bitter tone her voice had adopted. Hadn't he decided to cheer her up and make her feel less alone in the world?_

"_That doesn't change the fact that my parents are dead," Naruto countered. "Jiraiya-ojisan wasn't there for me until I was around six. I don't blame him though. He's a busy guy and even now I don't spend all day with him." When the girl remained silent, Naruto continued, "besides, ninja may get benefits, but they also get hurt. My parents were both ninja and they died when I was born."_

"_You still haven't answered my question," she muttered._

"_Neither have you," Naruto retorted, referring back to one of the first questions he had asked her._

_Despite having been in her presence for several hours, she hadn't given him her name. Naruto, naïve as always, had immediately introduced himself._

"_I'm an orphan," she reminded him._

"_So am I..."_

_Growling loudly, the redhead grabbed at her long, flowing hair – Naruto found that he liked the color, strangely enough – and pulled. "You're so fucking annoying!" she yelled._

_There were some gasps nearby. A group of young children had been playing with a ball and had overheard the girl's loud curse. They pointed at her, giggled to themselves, and then ran away when she leveled a fierce glare in their direction._

_Naruto rolled his eyes and finally decided to sit down next to her. "I don't think anyone should have to be sad and lonely. It's terrible and, to be honest, it makes everyone else sad."_

"_But why would a ninja from _Konoha_-" She practically spat the name out, "-want to help me?"_

"_Why shouldn't I help you?" Naruto folded his arms and looked down at his swaying legs. "People shouldn't need a reason to help other people..."_

"_They sure as hell don't need a reason to kill other people," she snarled. Her eyes squeezed shut again as she repressed a memory before it threatened to make her cry._

_She most definitely did _not_ cry. She wasn't like most girls._

"_Are you all right?" Naruto asked, gazing at her worriedly._

"_I-I'm fine," she gasped. She rubbed her eyes and winced when she felt the wetness in them._

"_No, you're not," Naruto muttered. "You know what, how about some ice cream? It's a nice day today."_

"_Are you going to pay?" she slowly asked, successfully brushing her tears away and managing to ignore Naruto's former remark._

"_Only if you tell me your name. I swear the ice cream will make you feel better. The Land of Earth has a lot of great-tasting flavors and cones, you know."_

_The girl sniffed and rose. None of the food he had offered her was tainted and he was innocent enough for a ninja. Oddly enough, he had genuine concern for her and that was a hell of a lot more comforting than she'd like to admit._

"_Tayuya."_

_Naruto turned to her with a raised eyebrow._

"_My name... it's Tayuya. Don't wear it out, shithead."_

**VvVvV**

(Fire Nature Preserve)

A jinchuriki, a girl with x-ray eyes, and a guy in a cool coat sifted through the bushes, trees, and fallen leaves. Their quarry was difficult to find, but frustration did not come to them easily.

Now, if they still had an Inuzuka and his ninja dog partner searching with them, then that would be a different story. The Inuzuka weren't normally a patient clan unless there was teamwork involved and the mission Team Eight was on didn't necessarily require it.

Team Eight had split up. Kurenai had taken Kiba, Akamaru, and a clone of Naruto while the real jinchuriki remained with Hinata and Shino. Naruto could've created an army of shadow clones to ransack the preserve, but there were... _issues_ in doing so.

But, the blond didn't like thinking of such things. If he wasn't fighting, peeping, or running away from a mob of angry kunoichi, then his clones tended not to work well in concert. He blamed the fox.

It was always easy to blame the Kyuubi for his mishaps. Something wrong with his chakra control? Oh, the Kyuubi gave him too much chakra.

Couldn't stop himself from being found while on a spying mission? Oh, the Kyuubi gave him too much chakra.

Overloaded a jutsu and nearly pulverized a nearby settlement? Oh, the Kyuubi gave him-

Yes, it was incredibly easy to blame the Kyuubi. Never mind the fact that his predecessors hadn't had those problems at all. That had nothing to do with Naruto's personal drawbacks.

The Kyuubi didn't appreciate the blame, either. Naruto knew how to quell the beast when it was feeling particularly snippy, however.

"So, you guys are taking the next chunin exams, eh?" Naruto began, finding the silence to be a bit much.

Shino nodded. "Yes. Kurenai-sensei believes that we have accumulated enough experience to feasibly partake in the upcoming exams. Forgive me, Hinata, but I still do not believe we were truly ready for the last exams, despite what Kiba insisted."

"N-No, it's all right, Shino-kun," Hinata quietly reassured. A frown was tugging at her lips.

Naruto barked out a laugh. "You three did fine from my perspective. It takes a lot of skill to get past the first and second stage of Konoha's exams. Ours isn't exactly a walk in the park," the blond said. He smirked at Shino. "Do _you_ think you're all ready for the next one? They're taking place in Suna."

The Aburame stopped scanning a tree's trunk and said, "Yes. Kurenai-sensei has been making sure we are well-prepared this time around. Advancing through the last exams was... informative."

"Good. I'd be glad to have more chunin with me," Naruto admitted. "Besides, Hinata-chan, wouldn't it be neat if you and your cousin got promoted at the same time? Less griping to deal with, right?"

The heiress sighed wistfully to herself. "I don't know if I'm worthy enough to be awarded a promotion..."

Naruto exchanged a glance with Shino and walked up to Hinata. He placed a hand under her chin and made her meet his eyes. "Keep your head held high, Hinata," he lowly reminded. "Anyone can become a chunin if they put their mind to it. That's what I believe, and I believe that you can achieve that goal too. A little confidence and hard work goes a long way."

The prankster grinned and continued, "How else are you going to prove everyone wrong? The exams are a great place to show off and make everyone jealous of your skills and boobs-"

A stick bounced off of Naruto's head. Shino cleared his throat, hoping that his interruption had prevented his teammate from overheating. "Hinata, I too believe you are more than skilled enough to undertake the upcoming chunin exams. Kiba and Kurenai-sensei will have faith in you as well. We have experienced your skill firsthand and can attest to your considerable strength."

Hinata froze with her mouth slightly open. It was heartening to hear that her friend – and even Naruto – had so much faith in her skills. Her confidence was certainly boosted.

"Damn you, Aburame," Naruto grumbled, rubbing the back of his head and glaring at the insect-user. "Besides, you have an entire clan to help you out."

"Ah... the Hyuuga Clan doesn't usually act that way towards their ninja," Hinata explained. "T-They feel that once you are a genin, your mastery of the Gentle Fist means that you need less and less instruction."

The idea was exacerbated since Hinata was the daughter of her clan's leader.

"Ask Neji," Naruto bluntly commented.

Hinata fidgeted. "Neji-niisan... he..." This time, Hinata looked directly at Naruto with a questioning expression.

"How did I know about Konoha's dirty laundry?" Naruto dryly filled in.

It wasn't _really_ dirty laundry. It was more like a giant red slap to Konoha's pride since they were outsmarted by Kumo – who got the favor returned to them. A kick to the crotch in return for a slap to the face was a worthy tradeoff in some cases.

"You seem to have knowledge of village affairs that are not privy to ordinary genin and chunin," Shino noted. "Hinata is wondering how you were informed of that, especially since Neji-san's demeanor has undergone a drastic change following the conclusion of the preliminaries all those months ago."

Naruto drew his eyes upward as a breeze caused some of the leaves of a tree to shake. "I knew his mother before she died and she let her husband's final wishes slip," Naruto said. "Your father told Neji what they were once I mentioned it in front of everyone."

Sometimes the blond wished he'd prepared a dramatic speech. He hadn't known he'd be fighting Neji though, and he wasn't exactly the best person to make one.

"Your aunt was a member of the ANBU?" Shino inquired.

"Y-Yes..."

"That is... interesting. I find myself wondering if Neji-san will follow in her footsteps."

Hinata peered back at Naruto. "Do you really think that Neji-niisan will help me? He'll be a participant, too."

"I think Neji knows how special bonds between family are," Naruto wryly stated. "But really, he'll be happy to help you. Just be sure not to stay down. Anyone can appreciate hard work. The future leader of the Hyuuga can do that, can't she?"

Shino nodded and Hinata tentatively smiled at both her teammate and her other, still-new friend. She and Neji could start healing the rift between her family as well, which was one of her ultimate goals.

"I'll do it," Hinata stated with conviction. "And thank you, Naruto-kun."

"You're welcome," Naruto replied, chuckling slightly. "Let's get back to work, then. We still have a small-ass beetle to find."

As they moved onto another clearing, a stray spider caught Naruto's eye. It was familiar, but he couldn't place where he'd seen it before. Something was tugging at his memory.

"Hey, Shino," Naruto whispered, "does your clan have a list of what types of animals and insects that live in this preserve?"

If the insect-user was perturbed by Naruto's words, he didn't show it. Such was one of the skills of an Aburame. Sometimes even Hyuuga Clan members had trouble reading them. Occasionally, Naruto wondered who would win in poker between the two clans.

Oh, that's right. He would win. The crazy blond had crazier luck than anyone.

"What brought this on, Naruto?"

"I saw a spider and as far as I can tell, it doesn't seem-"

"Indigenous to this preserve?" Naruto nodded. "I do not think there are many endangered spiders here. How large was the spider?"

Naruto moved his hands about a foot apart.

"You must be mistaken. All arachnids present in this forest are small in comparison to the other bugs that make their home amongst the leaves," Shino informed.

"Then what-" Naruto's jaw clicked shut and he paled. "No, that can't be right. They can't..."

Hinata – who became curious at the words her teammates were exchanging – and Shino watched as Naruto started to mutter under his breath. Finally, he plopped to the ground and sat, cradling his head in thought.

"Um... is everything all right, Naruto-kun?" Hinata quietly asked.

Without warning, Naruto threw a shuriken that whizzed past Hinata and Shino before slicing into and through an unassuming spider that had been latched onto a tree.

Unfortunately, it also left a disgusting mess behind. Naruto wouldn't be retrieving his gooey shuriken. That would just be nasty.

"Don't get close to it," Naruto cautioned before Shino could observe what remained of the spider. "I'm pretty sure I know who summoned it and he's not a pushover."

Shino's eyebrows rose. "There are other ninja in this forest, then?"

Hinata reactivated her Byakugan and glanced around the clearing just as a faint tune reached her ears. Anyone could've easily discarded such a thing as the wind.

"I-I don't see anyone..." she murmured.

Naruto jumped up and grabbed Hinata's wrist, forcefully yanking her away from a long, thin projectile that pierced the area she'd been standing in. She muttered her thanks and narrowed her eyes.

Shino, however, was hit by another projectile, but his body lost cohesion and turned into a mass of writhing bugs. These bugs decided to hide among the low bushes and hanging branches of the trees.

The heiress rubbed her brow. "W-Was that a genjutsu?" she asked.

"A subtle one, yes," Naruto replied. "I definitely know who's stalking us now."

Suddenly, Shino's voice clearly rang out. "Surrender," he intoned. That was followed by a low chuckle – not that anyone except for Shino could hear it – and the sounds of a short scuffle.

The Aburame jumped out of the clumped leaves belonging to a nearby tree, clutching a bleeding shoulder. From that very same tree another ninja dropped down, hanging by way of a thick, string-like substance.

Similarities to spiders and comic books that used spiders were observed and noted.

The dark-haired Kidomaru grinned. "Heh, you're a bit too low-level to deal with me, bug dude. Trash like you should just sit back and watch the experts play," he taunted. "Too bad I don't see any in front of me. All I can see is a case of beginner's luck."

"Don't be a sore loser, Kidomaru. That was a perfectly legitimate strategy the last time we played," Naruto airily replied. He tilted his head and said, "where's the rest of your team?"

"They're camping," the Sound ninja stated. "Really, though, you shouldn't focus on them. We need that beetle and you're just extra competition. Power ups go to the first person who finds them."

"Who is this guy?" Hinata quietly asked.

"He's one of Orochimaru's right-hand guards. Another one of his teammates should be nearby," Naruto said with a frown.

Kidomaru snorted. "Co-op is always enabled. It makes things easier, see? Two on three is bad odds, but two experts are better than three newbies." The ninja shrugged.

Hinata whispered something into Naruto's ear and he stiffened. "So Tayuya is still watching us," he commented.

"Having cheats enabled won't help," Kidomaru sang, still wearing the insufferable smirk that made people want to punch his face in. "And don't start raving about that again; last time was annoying enough. She wanted someplace to call home and she got one."

Shino had managed to stop his wound from bleeding and straightened his body. Low buzzing could be heard from him and Hinata had aimed her palm at the Sound ninja. Naruto remained still, gazing mournfully up at the thick canopy of leaves.

"I did say I'd kill you the next time we met, Tayuya," Naruto murmured, desolation lacing his voice.

He hated killing pretty girls, especially ones he was acquainted with. In fact, he still wasn't so sure that he could actually go ahead and commit the act, despite what he'd said to Tayuya the last time they'd met.

"She already told you who she was allied to," Kidomaru stated with a roll of his eyes. "Why can't I skip this crap?"

Hinata and Shino were both confused, but on edge.

After a few seconds of thought, Naruto said, "Hinata, Shino, deal with this guy. He's a lot stronger than he looks and he can spit out a web that's stronger than steel. If he lets pieces of it harden first, then he's going to shoot them at you by using a bow."

Shino coughed. "A bow?"

"Yes. A bow."

"And he's supposed to be a shinobi?"

"Hey! I asked you guys to skip the mushy dialogue, not go straight to the battle banter!"

"Fine." Naruto grimaced as his body shimmered. "Keep on your toes and don't give up. I'm going to deal with the kunoichi hiding in the trees."

"Whatever," Kidomaru said with a scoff. "Let's get this encounter going, shall we?"

As if they had rehearsed their entrance, his summoned spiders revealed themselves, suspended on webs attached to tree branches. Not for the first time Kidomaru wished he had some background music.

**VvVvV**

(With Kurenai, Kiba, and the Naruto Clone)

"Are you sure about that, Naruto?" Kiba asked, glaring at the two Sound ninja in front of him. One was – quite frankly – obese, and the other was wearing lipstick and eyeshadow.

Orochimaru was truly a monster.

"The Sound Five take missions as a team. If these guys are here, then the others shouldn't be too far away," Naruto insisted. "In fact, I'm almost positive that they're going after Hinata and Shino." The blond tilted his head. "Has Kimimaro kicked the bucket yet, by the way?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" the feminine one taunted. "It's going to be easy to kill you all. You're not getting away this time, blondie. We'll claim the entire forest for Orochimaru-sama!"

"Now, now, Sakon," the large one chided, "we shouldn't play with the trash this time around. You might get dirty and I'm sure Tayuya would get angry."

"So they are here..." Naruto muttered.

"Are you really going to let information like that out into the open?" Kurenai asked, frowning at the junior ninja in front of her.

"It won't matter in the end," Sakon declared. "Do it, Jirobo."

Jirobo snickered under his breath and then loudly said, "Earth Release: Earth Dome Prison!"

The earth churned and cracked, rising up and snapping shut over the genin, chunin, and jounin. It formed a dome that cut any avenues of escape away from the Konoha ninja.

The Sound ninja waited for a few seconds. As soon as Jirobo made to comment on the little amount of chakra he was eating, Sakon whirled around to fight off two people that looked like Inuzuka Kiba.

Jirobo ceased his technique and jumped forward, rolling away from a kick that would've left quite a nasty bruise on the back of his head. In retaliation, he grabbed the soil beneath his feet with his hands and ripped out large chunks of human-sized rock.

He threw them without regard for his comrade. However, Sakon was apparently used to Jirobo's techniques, for he skipped away from the large boulders. The two Inuzuka followed him, mindful of the deadly debris headed their way.

The object hit a tree with a mighty crack, splintering it at the base and causing it to collapse. When the dust cleared, Naruto and Kurenai were standing amongst pebbles of stone.

"Did you really think we wouldn't be preparing ourselves while you and lipstick were talking?" Naruto dryly asked.

"Are you sure you need my help for this? They don't seem too strong and Kiba might go overboard since these ninja are working under Orochimaru," Kurenai said.

"One strong hit is all I can take and this guy is full of 'em," the blond cautioned. While the two were speaking, Jirobo had picked up the giant, rocky dome he had spawned earlier. He was using both arms to heft it into the air.

The genjutsu mistress whistled at the giant slab of stone heading towards them. It made contact with their bodies, went through their bodies, and then shattered upon hitting the earth below their bodies.

No damage was incurred. Kurenai could flawlessly mimic Naruto's Transparency Technique. She was just that good with genjutsu. Really, the only real issue was that she wasn't used to the jinchuriki's style of fighting.

Illusions that took place in a person's mind weren't exactly flashy to everyone watching the battle.

Jirobo frowned when he saw that his technique hadn't left squashed ninja remains on the ground. His eyes widened and he took a step back, barely evading an uppercut from a blond ninja who had popped out of the ground.

The Sound ninja raised a knee but wobbled when his perception of the world shifted. Taking advantage of the distraction Kurenai had granted him, the Naruto clone delivered a series of rapid – although ultimately useless – punches to Jirobo's abdomen.

"Why is it that I never fight a ninja who's actually fat?" Naruto asked himself.

"Figures trash wouldn't have any idea of how to build muscle mass," Jirobo murmured as Naruto moved back. His hands flipped through seals, and the Sound ninja intoned, "Earth Release: Mud Spore!"

From her position overlooking the battle, Kurenai grimaced. Finding the Bikochu beetle was going to be so much more difficult if the forest was rearranged. She'd thought that Orochimaru would've taught his guards some foresight, but apparently not.

At least the real Naruto wasn't going to be hurt in this particular battle.

The earth below Naruto's feet turned to slick mud and surged forward, dragging him along with it. A substitution saved the clone's skin, but the surroundings weren't as lucky.

Jirobo scoffed at his failure and raised his arms to block another series of blows. Naruto had appeared in front of him, fading in and out of view like a ghost. Kurenai's illusions snagged the Sound ninja once again, allowing the jinchuriki to deliver a vicious knifehand strike to his neck.

He fell face-first to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Kurenai rejoined Naruto, gazing at Jirobo thoughtfully. "I'm surprised you didn't kill him. Capturing him wouldn't be helpful out here," she said.

"There's information I want and there's a chance he could have it," Naruto replied with a shrug. Jirobo stirred and Naruto groaned. "You know what, it might've been a good idea to have just killed him."

"...What?"

Now a safe distance away, Naruto pointed at the triangular marks spreading themselves through Jirobo's body. The ninja was understandably angry; getting struck in the neck wasn't a pleasant experience.

"I can't believe I'm being forced to use Orochimaru-sama's gift to deal with you two," Jirobo grunted. He wiggled his fingers, relishing in the rush his Cursed Seal gave him.

"Lethal force?"

Naruto nodded. He could get information on Guren's undergarments later. His real self was dealing with Tayuya.

Jirobo rushed at the two Konoha ninja. What else would he have done? Arrogance and perceived superiority went a long way in making a person reckless. Couple that with the strength increase from Orochimaru's seal and what's left is a fat guy with a death wish.

Kurenai finished her hand-seals and watched as Jirobo abruptly stopped moving. Ordinarily she wouldn't waste one of her more powerful illusions on a mere teenager, but she was getting worried about Kiba since the guy she and Naruto were fighting was holding his own.

They – Naruto and Kurenai – weren't trying very hard, though.

"I liked him better before Orochimaru turned him into a jerk..." Naruto murmured. He unsealed a special kunai, coated it with wind chakra, and threw it. Jirobo couldn't move and ended up having the kunai pierce through his heart.

"Let's find Kiba," Kurenai said. Before she began to run off, she added, "I do hope you tell me how you knew Orochimaru's ninja more personally than would be professionally suitable."

Naruto sighed. "It's a long story. The real me will tell you. I'm just about out of chakra here too, so I'll dispel and let the boss know what's going on. Don't get hurt too bad, Kurenai-chan! I'd never forgive myself if you bruised that pretty face of yours!"

The clone – and the kunai he had thrown – vanished in a puff of smoke before Kurenai could throttle him. Turning away, the jounin immediately started to search for Kiba. Luckily, she found him fairly quickly.

He was hurt. Nothing fatal, but the blood covering his clothes and the wounded puppy in his lap didn't ease her concern. The feminine guy he had fought was nowhere in sight, so she assumed Kiba had at least managed to drive him off.

"Kiba!" Kurenai cried, landing in front of her student. The Inuzuka blearily looked up, slowly blinking as he recognized his sensei.

"Sensei," he breathed, "I couldn't do it. I couldn't finish that guy off. He had some weird bloodline and he managed to hurt Akamaru and I-"

"It's all right, Kiba," Kurenai interrupted. "The important thing is that you're still alive."

"The other guy – guys – knew Naruto. I hurt him pretty badly before he got away."

Kurenai smiled at him and gently ruffled his hair. "I didn't see your battle, but you did well to survive a battle against one of Orochimaru's top ninja, Kiba. Naruto said he'd explain himself later. For now, let your teacher patch you up."

**VvVvV**

(With Shino and Hinata)

Shortly after Naruto had faded from view, Kidomaru's spiders leapt at the two members of Team Eight. The arachnids were large, hairy, and the bane of little girls – and possibly boys – everywhere.

With Hinata's Byukagan, every single spider was in view. She rattled off instructions to Shino who chucked a few throwing stars at the airborne spiders while she killed nearer ones with precise Gentle Fist strikes.

One finger was enough to kill the spiders without leaving a nasty mess behind. Hinata was luckier than Shino in that way, for she didn't get arachnid guts all over her jacket.

When the final spider keeled over, another wave of them dropped from the trees. Shino's sunglasses gleamed and minute amounts of kikaichu exited his body.

After the second wave of spiders was dealt with, Kidomaru jerked his head up at one of the trees, frowning angrily. "What, you have a strategy guide or something? No matter," he said, "I don't need any more assists to deal with the likes of you two, anyway."

Kidomaru kicked off from the trunk he had been attached to, evading the cloud of parasitic insects that Shino had sent into the trees. As he sailed through the air, his body wobbled unexpectedly, and he allowed himself to drop to the ground.

Kunai hidden within the leaves fired out at Kidomaru and he rolled to safety, away from the deadly barrage of steel. When he finished his roll, a few shuriken struck true, clattering off of his shoulders and arms.

Kidomaru whistled. "Damn, I guess your own assist isn't as preoccupied as I thought. Damn ninja wire traps..." He sneered at his foes. "Too bad my defense bonuses are too much for you."

"Shino-kun, his sweat has chakra coursing through it. Its hardening it and creating what looks like a makeshift armor," Hinata quickly explained.

In response, Kidomaru spat out a large, white web that spread out through the air as it flew towards Hinata and Shino. Additional characteristics of spiders were also noted.

Due to the somewhat enclosed nature of the clearing and the sticky white web heading towards the Konoha ninja, they couldn't properly evade the attack. Naruto had mentioned that it was stronger than steel, but Hinata saw chakra strengthening the silk.

She raised two fingers and brought them down, cutting the web in half just as it reached them. Her timing was impeccable.

Shino sent out another swarm of bugs. Kidomaru jumped up to a tree branch, bouncing to other positions when Shino's kikaichu got too close. Every now and then, Hinata used a Vacuum Palm to keep Kidomaru from recomposing himself.

"It seems that you are more akin to a cricket than a spider," Shino remarked. "Or perhaps we are participating in a boss battle?"

Kidomaru stopped moving and growled, "I'm just charging my energy. I'm pretty much ready to crank up the ante here."

Coiling, circular marks spread throughout his body, glowing a deep violet before settling to plain black. Hinata's eyes picked up the strange way Kidomaru's chakra was fluctuating and tensed her body.

The Sound ninja raised all six of his arms to his mouth and spat out saliva that hardened into a likeness to knives. Kidomaru regurgitated white string that he attached to each knife-alike in rapid succession before hurling them with seemingly terrible accuracy.

Shino watched each golden knife strike points around them. He also saw Hinata raise her hand to slice through the webs, but additional knives with string attached to them flew past her, causing her to retract her arm. Finally, the two Konoha ninja were surrounded by sticky webs on every side.

Kidomaru paused to examine his handiwork.

Shino wondered what the point of it was.

Hinata raised her hand to cut through the webs... again.

"Once upon a time, I might've used the same attack I always use. Your friend though, that stupid little blond monster, taught me otherwise. Grinding in other areas was more useful than I thought and since you two are surrounded by my webs..."

Indeed, a wide cone of sticky string boxed the Konoha ninja in. The ends were connected to the tree Kidomaru was on, with the knives buried deep in the ground. From Kidomaru's point of view, the only way out was to head towards him.

Shino shifted his body. "I do not see how this forbids us from moving. If you would, Hinata?"

"Yes, Shino-kun," Hinata said.

As Hinata made to cut the strengthened silk, two pairs of arms went through hand-seals. Then, all six of his arms grabbed the webbing and Kidomaru announced, "Lightning Release: Lightning Rod!"

Both of the Konoha ninja found that they never wanted to fight a ninja from Kumogakure. Electricity _hurt_ and the spasms of their muscles that followed the attack weren't any better. The technique had sent lightning down the webs and forced electricity to spark everywhere within.

Kidomaru was sorely disappointed when they didn't scream. "What, no screaming? Come on! The status effect ain't enough for me!" he exclaimed.

Shino had fallen to his knees. His smelly jacket was burned and he was breathing heavily. The Aburame's sunglasses had fallen off sometime during his convulsions, revealing the keen eyes he normally kept hidden from the world.

Hinata forced herself to remain standing and glared at the Sound ninja. The electricity had shot her motor skills and she couldn't move very well. Still, she wouldn't give up. Her friends believed in her! Her sensei believed in her! Even Naruto believed in her!

Hinata Hyuuga was the heiress of the Hyuuga Clan, and she would prove herself as such!

She raised her palm and shoved as much chakra as she could into it. Who needed precise aim when the threads of webbing all led to the guy who'd used them?

As soon as Hinata released her technique, there was a distinct _pop_. Suddenly, Kidomaru's expression turned murderous and he was somehow unable to move.

Shino couldn't see anything, but Hinata saw that Naruto left a clone behind to set up traps. It was emboldening to know that the clone – and by proxy, Naruto – had enough faith in her to not tag in as a guardian.

Kidomaru's mouth opened in a wordless scream and he folded over. Hinata's technique had been powerful enough to force him _into_ the bark of the tree, where he remained motionless.

After cutting the threads surrounding her, Hinata slowly propped Shino up. "All you all right?" she asked, wincing when he stared pointedly at her own injuries.

"I will be fine with proper medical aid, Hinata. Our opponent has tagged out, I believe, and now we must wait for Naruto. We are not in any condition for strenuous activity. And, Hinata," Shino said when he saw the kunoichi's worried expression, "don't worry. Naruto is a powerful ninja. I believe he owes us some answers, though. Good job, by the way."

Hinata nodded, wordlessly accepting Shino's praise before bringing out her unique medical salve. Thankfully, it wasn't damaged by Kidomaru's jutsu.

"Naruto has a lot to answer for," Shino said.

"I hope he's all right," Hinata murmured, uncapping her salve and smearing the ointment on Shino's burns.

* * *

**I think this is a good place to cut it off since these chapters aren't meant to be too long. I hope I did the development justice here.  
**

**As for Naruto/Tayuya... that pairing is, I believe, the most popular heterosexual crack pairing. It can be interesting if it's done well since it brings out Naruto's ability to change people. I guess that's why I like it, although I do admit that I like Tayuya's aesthetics in general.**

**I also hope I did the fights well. Does anyone else realize just how ridiculous Naruto's actions are in the most recent manga chapter? And Madara's face...  
**

**Anyway, tell me what you think. If you spot any errors, let me know. Next up is the final chapter of the Bikochu beetle arc. Expect some more clunky background.**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen: Schism

(Flashback, Age Nine)

_Naruto's eyes snapped open and he let out a startled gasp. Then, he groaned at the irritating bright light and tightly shut his eyes. The blond tried to move his arms and failed spectacularly. It was as if his strength had somehow been robbed from his small frame._

"_Careful there," he heard his godfather say, "your body's still recovering from the aftershock."_

"_What... what happened?" Naruto asked in a strained tone of voice. His throat felt incredibly dry._

_Jiraiya helped the young blond sit up and tipped a glass of water to his mouth. As Naruto greedily gulped the water down, Jiraiya said, "That girl you were talking about, Tayuya, left with Orochimaru. He tried to give you a Cursed Seal, probably as some sort of petty revenge." The large man scowled fiercely._

"_Tayuya... she left? She left with him?" Naruto sounded miserable, and his godfather felt a pang in his chest at the grief-stricken face the boy was making. He made good friends fast._

"_Yeah."_

"_I... guess it's not all bad," Naruto hesitantly said. "Kurotsuchi-chan and Deidara didn't get in trouble or anything, I think."_

_Jiraiya sighed. "Naruto, a diplomatic incident is the last thing I give a damn about right now. Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? You're lucky that furry beast in your gut burned the Cursed Seal away before it became too troublesome to deal with."_

"_Sorry, ojisan. I didn't mean to make you worry," the blond murmured. He felt a lot better after drinking the water, but part of him still ached at how his friend had gone somewhere with one of the most reviled traitors of Konohagakure no Sato._

_He wanted her to go with traveling with him. Friends were always a precious thing to him, old and new. Showing her Konoha would've been nice, too._

"_Don't beat yourself up over it, Naruto," Jiraiya chastised, ruffling his godson's mat of unruly hair and giving him a wry grin. "It takes a lot of guts to stand up to a bastard like Orochimaru."_

"_I'm going to get Tayuya back someday," the blond suddenly declared, deciding that Tayuya had probably been taken against her own volition and would never willingly go somewhere with someone as crazy as Orochimaru. "I'm going to beat that Orochimaru bastard up and bring Tayuya back."_

_His godfather shifted slightly from where he was sitting near the futon and frowned. "You're a long ways away before you can take someone like my former teammate down. Not even Tsunade and I were as talented as he was when we were all part of a team. But, I suppose, given the situation..."_

_When Jiraiya trailed off, Naruto tilted his head in confusion. "What are you talking about, ojisan? I can totally take down that ugly bastard! Just give me... uh..."_

_The Uzumaki pouted when his godfather snickered at him. "You do know what this means, right? You're going to have to fight Orochimaru's underlings. If my information is correct, he's actually building a new hidden village named Otogakure no Sato, and I'm assuming your lady friend is going to be part of them. Orochimaru did always have a penchant for finding people with skill."_

_This time, Naruto frowned. "He's probably doing something sneaky to make her work for him. I can beat any of those Sound ninja, easy!" The container scratched his head and said, "What were you going to say, ojisan? From before?"_

"_Oh, right. Naruto, allow me to explain something to you," the sage seriously said. "First of all, do you think that all ninja who work under Orochimaru follow and agree with his beliefs?"_

"_I-"_

"_You're right, the majority of them are tactless idiots," Jiraiya quickly interrupted. "Unless you're fighting a kunoichi working for Orochimaru, they're pretty much being forced to fight by their leader."_

"_Uh... what?"_

_Sure, a good idea would've been for Jiraiya to explain that acting under orders from a commander didn't necessarily make a ninja's actions his or her own, but that wasn't Jiraiya's style. The pervert knew that Naruto already got along with Kurotsuchi and Deidara, so why would he attempt to teach a lesson that his godson already had down?_

_It just wasn't practical. So, the hermit decided to follow a different direction. Women from Konoha were attractive, yes, but kunoichi from other villages had a certain... _exotic_... appeal to them. Jiraiya was just making sure Naruto understood – hopefully partially._

_Corrupting his godson was a process that sorely needed to speed up._

_Plus, Jiraiya didn't have the heart to say that Tayuya had likely followed Orochimaru out of her own free will. When he had arrived to investigate the familiar presence, he had seen glowing markings on the girl's face and felt tainted nature chakra lingering in the area._

_She wouldn't be dead anytime soon; he knew that for sure. His former teammate was very picky with his investments. Usually they had something to do with bloodline limits or powerful chakra._

"_Depending on the circumstances, such as when a ninja village wants to attack Konoha, a male ninja isn't usually as interesting as a kunoichi. Male ninja who are out to kill us can be interrogated for information and... well, that's about it."_

_Still feeling confused, Naruto asked, "What about kunoichi?"_

"_Kunoichi are kinky, Naruto. Remember that. Sparing them makes you look better in their eyes, especially if you make sure they can't hurt you after they're down." Jiraiya winked. "Give it some time, brat. You'll understand why I'm telling you this when you get older."_

_Being seduced was fun too when you could see through an enemy kunoichi's intentions and _still_ disarm them. They could respect someone like that._

_Naruto didn't understand what he was being told at all and made to ask another question, but a knock on the door distracted him. Jiraiya called for the people outside to come inside, and Kurotsuchi and Deidara walked in, both of which looked anxious._

"_You're alive?" Kurotsuchi nervously asked._

"_I can't move very much, so ojisan's helping me," Naruto admitted. "I'm okay though. It'll take much more than some stupid missing ninja to take me down!"_

"_We're pretty fortunate Naruto was there, Kurotsuchi," Deidara remarked. "I think Orochimaru was more interested in him than us, and that was probably why he didn't pay too much attention to us."_

"_Good," Kurotsuchi said. "You still owe me another fight or two. And, maybe, I didn't want you guys to feel guilty about us or anything..."_

"_Oh? What's this? Are you actually giving a damn about someone else, Kurotsuchi?" taunted Deidara._

"_N-No! I just want a rematch, damn it! Another one! I won't be defeated by this little brat!"_

"_Hey!" Naruto cried. "The creepy snake bastard wasn't able to defeat me, so what makes you think I'm a brat!? Besides, I beat you back in Iwa!"_

"_Yeah, well... you're still shorter than me!"_

"_Don't be mean, Kurotsuchi-chan! I'm average for my height!" Naruto paused for a moment and then grinned at the scowling girl. "Thanks, Kurotsuchi."_

_She raised an eyebrow before giving him an acknowledging bob of her head. "No problem, brat."_

**VvVvV**

(Fire Nature Preserve – With Naruto)

A clone saluted its creator before beginning to set a trap or two. The original knew that Kidomaru wouldn't be too difficult and that Hinata and Shino would be able to handle him.

Hopefully. Naruto sure didn't want to return to see Hinata's lifeless body riddled with arrows. That would be terrible and quite a shame. The container sure as hell wasn't into necrophilia. Oh, and Shino dying would be bad too. Yeah.

He needed to put that issue out of his mind for the moment, however. Dealing with Kidomaru was their priority, and dealing with Tayuya was his. As he bounded through the branches, heading straight for the redhead's flute, a large metal club smashed into him.

Naturally, a substitution saved his behind. As soon as Naruto emerged from his new position on a nearby tree branch, a meaty hand with a thorny plank of wood tied onto it attempted to crush his skull. The blond ducked, scowling when a jaunty tune reached his ears.

Really, it sounded completely at odds with Naruto's current situation. Two grotesque ogres trying to kill him and a tune more suitable for frolicking children was playing?

Naruto deserved more than that. Where was the music that highlighted the danger he was in? Where was the tune that raised his apprehension and forced him to think about his possibly impending death?

When Naruto's feet found purchase on a branch away from his pursuers, yet another crazy-looking, stitched-up _thing_ attacked him. It had no arms and its way of attacking involved brutal, violent kicks.

The first kick was sidestepped and the next one went through Naruto as if he was made of air. The apparition stuck out its tongue at the attacking Doki and vanished into nothingness.

Tayuya ceased her music and immediately rolled out of the way as Naruto's heel came down on her head. The blond didn't stop there and leapt at Tayuya, grasping for her flute. She was, unfortunately, more agile than he was, and slipped away by jumping off of the tree branch they were on.

While the redhead was falling, she brought her flute to her lips and played a quick, mournful tune that caused her three Doki to launch themselves at her opponent. Tayuya righted herself in midair and latched the soles of her feet onto a nearby tree trunk with chakra.

"I really don't want to deal with these things," Naruto flatly said. His hands went through a set of five odd hand-seals and, while dipping and diving away from the attacks of the three Doki, tapped each of them on some exposed part of their skin.

Each Doki's flesh was cold and clammy to the touch and made Naruto shudder each time he made contact. At least he wouldn't be dealing with them anymore.

Wherever Naruto touched a black, spiral mark was left behind. The three ogres froze in place before being forcefully dispelled to their place of origin, where they had originally been summoned from. With her attackers gone, she'd be forced to fight in hand-to-hand combat... which she wasn't good at.

Actually, if Naruto was honest with himself, she wasn't _too_ bad at it. He was just better. No, he wasn't being narcissistic – it was a definite fact.

"God damn it!" Tayuya shouted, glaring fiercely at the blond who'd removed her wreck 'em pawns from the fight. "That's not how contract seals are supposed to work!"

Naruto gazed down upon Tayuya and smirked at her before crouching down. "I know that's not they work, but your Doki are annoying to fight. They don't smell too great, either," he replied with another shudder.

Black markings spread across her neck, face, and the rest of her body – not that Naruto could see through her clothes at the moment. "Once this is finished, I'm going to find the Bikochu and take it back. You're not going to stop me, Naruto."

The blond waited until Tayuya sprinted up the tree trunk and stepped onto a thick branch opposite of his own. "I did say I was going to kill you. Are you sure you don't want me persuade you otherwise? I know I have a speech in here somewhere," he joked, tapping his forehead with a finger.

"You're too much of a bleeding heart to kill me," Tayuya sniffed.

A memory popped into Naruto's skull. "I killed Jirobo while he was using the Cursed Seal. What makes you think I can't go through with it?"

"Jirobo was a useless fatass that stole food from everyone, and he didn't have a vagina," Tayuya flatly replied. She still thought the guy was a pussy either way, though.

"You can't say I didn't try, then," Naruto muttered. His hands came together and, after a string of hand-seals, a large fireball shot out of the blond's mouth.

In response, Tayuya dropped from the tree branch and screamed, "You bastard! You'll burn the preserve down!"

"Fire is occasionally needed for forests to thrive!" Naruto shot back.

"Not when humans are the ones starting them!"

The Grand Fireball Naruto had shot nonetheless quickly fizzled out. Nothing had caught fire, so the container went through a different series of hand-seals and spat out a thin stream of high-pressure water.

No need to create a swamp by dumping a large amount of chakra into his Wild Water Wave. Chakra monster he may be, environmental destruction artist he was not.

That kind of thing was more suited for Deidara's particular talents, anyway.

Tayuya avoided the second technique by swinging around the branch she had jumped onto and leaping away from the burst of water. Naruto's technique snapped the wooden limb and completely missed his foe.

"Are you serious? Your aim is _not_ that bad," Tayuya snapped. While she was on another branch, she brought the flute to her lips and played a quick, despondent tune that made Naruto's body freeze up in the middle of another one of his techniques.

Then, she strung the notes together into another tune, eventually leading into a song that increasingly sounded upbeat. With an opportunity right in front of her, she jumped to where Naruto was and scowled at the blank expression he was wearing.

Tayuya scoffed quietly to herself. "You still look like a dumbass when you're in a genjutsu." She took out a kunai and raised it to his throat. "See you later, Naruto," she murmured.

Much to her own disbelief, the fiery redhead hesitated.

Naruto's eyes lost their faraway look and he blinked at the situation he was in. Unwilling to lose any ground, the demon container surprised Tayuya by tackling her, sending them both falling down to the ground in a tangled mass of flailing limbs.

Fortunately, a large amount of leaves and branches broke their fall. That didn't mean their landing was anything remotely close to pleasant, though.

Tayuya let out a piteous whine and coughed as she tried to roll onto her stomach. Hitting the forest floor had knocked the air out of her lungs and her right forearm was throbbing painfully. Hearing a similar, high-pitched noise alerted her that Naruto hadn't escaped injury either.

"Damn it, you stupid motherfucker!" she wheezed. "Why... why would you do something like _that_?"

"You... you're not binding your chest?" he croaked. Naruto was lying on his stomach and turned his head to give the redhead an amused smirk.

"What are you..." Tayuya's eyes widened in realization and she growled angrily. "Did you seriously feel me up!?"

"Not on purpose," Naruto quickly replied, trying to inch away from the angry kunoichi.

Proper gentleman did not grope women without their consent. Unless, of course, a person was reading smut.

With another groan, he pushed himself up into a sitting position using his right hand. His left arm was hurting a bit too much at the moment. He raised an eyebrow at Tayuya as she too forced herself up, steam practically whistling out of her ears.

"You didn't finish me off."

Tayuya turned her head in an effort to avoid his eyes.

"You didn't finish me off," Naruto flatly repeated.

"You broke my genjutsu before I had the chance," Tayuya retorted in defense.

"Bleeding heart, huh?" Naruto shook his head at how furious the redhead looked. "I guess you're not the only one who wants to keep the bond we share, eh?"

"Shut up," she snapped. "That was the dumbest thing I've heard you say _ever_. It sounds like something out of a comic book or a manga rather than anything normal people would say."

"Since when does ninja behavior resemble what normal people do?" the blond deadpanned.

The two stared at each other, each unwilling to move forth and attack. After all, Naruto wasn't sure he could kill his friend, and Tayuya was still uncertain of herself. However, Naruto's injuries would heal much quicker than Tayuya's, thus giving him an opportunity he could take advantage of.

That wasn't what he was going to do though, given his unwillingness to end Tayuya's life.

"So... now what?"

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know. I could always knock you out and drag you to Konoha. A home would be nice, don't you think? But," the blond tilted his head, "I suppose that creepy bastard already gave you one, didn't he?"

The blond rose to his feet before Tayuya could respond. Reaching into one of the pouches strapped to his legs, he retrieved a roll of bandages and tossed it to Tayuya. "I can't force people to do anything they don't want to do."

Actually, he _could_ force people to do what they didn't want to do, but that wouldn't be abiding by what Jiraiya had taught him.

"Are you sure you don't want asylum, Tayuya-chan? Kin Tsuchi was sorta granted it," Naruto offered.

Kin Tsuchi was essentially a prisoner allowed to run around. She wasn't important enough for Orochimaru to retrieve, nor was she powerful enough to warrant greater scrutiny. It kind of sucked, but fortunately she wasn't dead – or worse.

"Like you said, I already have a place I call home, with people I've known for most of my career. I can't just leave them," Tayuya replied.

"Yeah, well, I don't think your friends will like the fact that you're all chummy with some idiot from an enemy village. Konoha and Suna kinda killed a lot of them," Naruto remarked, rubbing the back of his head with an embarrassed chuckle.

"Kin is alive, at least, and I'm pretty sure you know how persuasive Orochimaru can be. Your stupid village, as much as I hate it, has made it pretty obvious that they're not aiming to piss anyone off," Tayuya said as she finished tightening the bandages around her damaged arm with a grunt.

"That's... I doubt everyone's going to let go of whatever hard feelings they're holding onto..."

The redhead grunted. "We're a ninja village too, Shithead. Most of it is just business, and it's not like we want to take it in the ass from Konoha. No way in hell, not after that crappy invasion. Besides, I'm not your buddy."

Naruto smiled toothily. "Really? That's good. Since I'm from Konoha, whenever I drop by to visit you I'm going to have to worry about being abducted or attacked by hordes of incredibly attractive women. I might have sensitive information on me, ya know? How else would they get at it?"

"Whatever. You still going to try and kill me, or are you stuck being a bitch? That shit better not be contagious."

"I'm going to kill Orochimaru," Naruto cheerfully admitted. " Obviously, I can't kill you, and attacking your village for something they were forced to do goes opposite to what I was taught." He dropped his voice down to a whisper and said, "By the way, I won't tell anyone I'm going to kill him if you don't tell anyone I'm going to kill him."

Tayuya rolled her eyes. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"

The blond sighed. "Orochimaru is a problem. I might not have been able to get you totally away from him, but cutting off his pasty head is as close as I can get. Plus, I'll be doing everyone a favor. When my dangerous, bloody task is over, every lady will-"

"Then I'll be seeing you," Tayuya quickly stated, again rolling her eyes at his statements. She still looked wobbly as she rose to her feet before turning away from the blond in front of her.

Orochimaru definitely wouldn't be pleased. The death of Jirobo and Kidomaru would let him know that there wasn't anything shady about the whole thing, though. Besides, he had more plans and studies to carry out.

"What, no kiss good-bye? I'll forgive you if you don't feel like that's-"

Naruto ducked under the conveniently placed rock the kunoichi picked up and threw at him.

He wasn't able to prevent Tayuya from playing one of her Sound-based genjutsu to shut him up, though.

**VvVvV**

"When were you going to inform us about your acquaintance?" Shino asked. Team Eight and Naruto were walking back to Konoha, with two Bikochu beetles in a glass jar that the resident Aburame was cradling.

Naruto stared at Shino at bewilderment. "Do you honestly think I knew they would appear? The Bikochu beetle is a pretty valuable bug."

The Aburame returned Naruto's stare. "Assuming that you knew of their own mission would be useless, for we obtained our target without much trouble."

Kiba let out a squawk of indignation. "Hey! I'm still hurt here!" he cried.

Kurenai stopped herself from chuckling when Naruto and Shino glanced at his obvious limp and then went back to their conversation, seemingly ignoring the beating Kiba had taken. "To answer your question, very few people in Konoha know exactly who she is, and fewer know that I befriended her before she served under Orochimaru," the blond explained.

"Before... she served under Orochimaru?" Hinata quietly murmured.

Nodding, Naruto continued, "Yes. She was a vagrant and had never had very much in her life. She didn't have a home and was orphaned when she was young by Konoha ninja."

"Wait, wait," Kiba interrupted, "you mean guys from our home killed her parents? Why would they do that?"

Shino glanced up at the sky before answering Kiba. "They were either obstructing a ninja's mission or were the targets themselves. However, it is also possible that their deaths were accidental and that the culprits were punished for their actions."

"I've never asked for the details out of respect for her past, but that's primarily why she holds a grudge against us." Naruto cracked a small grin. "I've always wanted to bring her to Konoha, too, since she never had a home of her own. You can see why that would be a bad idea, though."

"I feel sorry for her," Hinata murmured. "No one should have to bear the pain of losing their parents..."

"Tayuya doesn't take pity from anyone. She's more likely to break your nose than anything else," the blond dryly remarked.

"What about the others? We killed the one who utilized spider summons and, according to Kurenai-sensei, another one of her comrades was defeated as well," Shino said.

"Kidomaru and Jirobo, both of which were assigned as Orochimaru's bodyguards. They can be powerful and difficult to overwhelm if you're underestimating them since Orochimaru gave them special seals that temporarily grant them extra strength and speed. They're part of a team properly known as the Sound Five, although the strongest member of their team is incapacitated at the moment."

"W-Was that the Kimimaro you were asking Kidomaru about?" Hinata queried.

Naruto nodded. "He came down with some kind of serious disease that Orochimaru apparently doesn't have the knowledge to cure." The blond shrugged. "He was a nice guy, if a bit extreme with his loyalty to the snake bastard."

"So, who was the guy – err, guys – with lipstick that I fought?" Kiba rubbed his shoulder. "They hit pretty freaking hard..."

"Sakon and Ukon. Orochimaru got them for their bloodline limit. As far as I know, they're the last remaining members of their clan. The rest of them got exterminated during the civil war in Kiri," Naruto informed.

"I believe it was well-known in Konoha that Hokage-sama's former student had a thing for bloodline limits," Kurenai noted.

"Still has," Naruto corrected, suddenly remembering one of the more amusing stories his godfather had told him of how Orochimaru had been rejected by a Hyuuga when he was younger. "One of his subordinates managed to give Sasuke Uchiha one of those seals the Sound Four use. I'm pretty sure I knocked his plans off-course for the moment, though."

"Father said you were, um, proficient in sealing," Hinata commented.

"Eh, it takes practice to bring raw talent to its fullest potential, and believe me, sealing isn't easy. There's..." Naruto paused before continuing, "several hundred ways I've nearly killed myself from sealing mistakes."

"That explains the lack of ninja who aim to learn how sealing works," Kurenai dryly remarked.

"Several _hundred_?" Kiba exclaimed in shock. "You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking. There is no way something like that could happen."

"I'm more durable than you think and I've been learning about seals since I was young." Naruto gave Kiba an odd look. "Didn't you train in your clan techniques when you were younger? Clan stuff first and all that junk?"

Shino cleared his throat before Kiba could reply. "That is intriguing, but should we expect Orochimaru's bodyguards to return? Otogakure's invasion was repulsed and I am quite sure that they are looking for ways to prove their strength."

"Doubtful. Their ninja were just following orders. I don't think many of them are going to go out of their way to interfere. Besides, would you defy old man Hokage? He might give you a reprimand and dock your pay, while Orochimaru will just kill you for insubordination. Those ninja who attacked us in the invasion were probably backed into a corner," Naruto said sadly.

It wasn't difficult to pick up the jinchuriki's tone of voice. "You do not sound too happy about that," Shino droned.

"One of their options could've given them a chance to survive, and as it stands, a few of those ninja who survived the invasion retreated to nurse their wounds. What was the point of the invasion? It was one man who didn't like us," Naruto stated. "Sending people to an early grave is useless. All it does is breed contempt and hatred amongst the villages and amongst ourselves."

"You seem to have a strong opinion about this," the Aburame stoically commented. "However, I must ask why you were stating your desire to kill Tayuya despite sounding unsure of yourself."

The blond frowned. Well, it wasn't like he was being subtle about it. "It's one of many issues that plague our world today. The greater ninja villages haven't had a reason to fight for years. However, we shouldn't ignore the smaller villages. They count too.

"As for me killing Tayuya... you could say it was a matter of pride. You wouldn't be completely wrong and you wouldn't be completely right, either. Anyway, look up ahead."

The genin followed Naruto's outstretched arm and saw the front gates of Konoha. With their mission a success, they wanted to scrub the dirt from their bodies, rest, and eat palatable food.

Oh, and collect their pay. Perhaps even run to a candy store the day after.

Their desires easily made them forget about Naruto's half-assed answer, too.

"Kiba, you're coming with me to the hospital. Your mother wouldn't be happy to see a neglected injury," Kurenai scolded.

"But I smell like crap, Kurenai-sensei!"

"There were more than enough opportunities to bathe at the preserve," Kurenai chided. "Hinata and I took advantage of that while you, Naruto, and Shino were sleeping."

"Thanks for watching over us, sensei," Kiba deadpanned.

"Don't worry, I got your back," Naruto cheerfully reassured.

Four heads snapped to where Naruto was walking. In contrast to his earlier mood, the blond seemed careless and oblivious to his surroundings.

"Wait, if you were awake at that time-"

"I was serving as your guard, obviously," the blond insisted. "One can never be too careful, right? Who knows who's ready to slit our throats?"

Kurenai furrowed her brow. "You were asleep when we left. Were you using shadow clones, Naruto?"

"Shadow clones are one of humanity's greatest inventions. I'm lucky I'm a chakra tank," Naruto stated. He was also lucky that shadow clones were unbelievably difficult to discern from the original if the chakra was split correctly.

The loss of sleep was certainly more than worth it. It wasn't anything sexual – it was more innocent than anything else. Kurenai's body was just as great as he remembered it, and Hinata's-

"Hey, what's with that stupid face?" Kiba said, jabbing Naruto in the side with an elbow.

"Hm? Oh, I was thinking about an amazing sight I saw. Let's hurry, I want to ask the Old Man a few questions." With that, Naruto rushed ahead.

Kurenai and Hinata exchanged glances. They _knew_ someone was watching them despite the fact that all three males were asleep. Hinata should've activated her Byakugan at least once...

**VvVvV**

(Hyuuga Clan Compound)

Hinata walked through the halls of her clan's housing complex, a white envelope containing her mission's pay in hand. A hefty amount of money had been rewarded to her team, as well as to Naruto, for capturing two Bikochu beetles – one male, and one female.

The heiress needed to report to her father and inform him of how her mission went. Once she found herself in front of the rather plain door that led into his office, she took a deep breath to steady herself and knocked.

"Yes?" her father said.

"I-It's Hinata, Father."

There was some shuffling and the door was pulled open by Hinata's little sister, who was wearing plain clothing. The girl was three years younger than her older sister, but had been a quick study and was deemed very much ready for the lifestyle of a ninja.

Much like Neji, it was thought that Hanabi Hyuuga was a prodigy – though not quite on the same level.

When Hinata walked into the office, she noted the small stacks of paper lying on her father's desk. Her father cleared his throat and said, "Excuse the mess, Hinata. I was instructing Hanabi in her duties."

"Oh," Hinata quietly murmured, realizing exactly what Hanabi was learning. The heiress herself had undergone the same lessons when she was younger.

"How was your mission?" Hiashi questioned, beginning to gather the papers into fewer stacks. His attention remained firmly on Hinata, however.

"M-My mission was a success," Hinata said, trying not to stutter in front of her father. "The Bikochu beetles were retrieved and our enemies retreated."

Hiashi looked up to his firstborn and raised an eyebrow. "Enemies, you say? Who did you encounter? I wasn't aware there were others who could utilize it as well as the Aburame."

"Sound ninja attacked us," Hinata quietly explained. "They were trying to capture the beetle for their master."

A second eyebrow joined the first. "Am I correct in assuming that you and your teammates drove them off with Naruto's aid?" he asked.

The Hyuuga heiress wasn't surprised that her father knew Naruto had teamed up with them. "Two Sound ninja were casualties in the ensuing battle and the final two – I mean, three – retreated before we could stop them," Hinata informed.

"Did your teacher remove the other two from battle?"

"No, Father. Naruto Uzumaki killed one and I killed the other. W-With help from Shino Aburame," Hinata quickly added.

The heiress was sure she hadn't seen her father look so stunned ever before. Granted, Hiashi was still very stoic and calm. It was practically written in his fancy, uptight genetics. The only visible indication of his surprise was how high his eyebrows had risen.

"You killed someone?" Hanabi exclaimed.

Hinata couldn't help but duck her head in embarrassment. All ninja were trained to kill during battle and as such, wouldn't break down crying like an ordinary person. That would be counterproductive, not to mention a drastic waste of life.

"Did you know who the Sound ninja was?" Hinata's father queried.

The heiress inhaled slowly and answered, "One of Orochimaru's bodyguards, Father. All of the enemy ninja sent to retrieve the beetle were Orochimaru's bodyguards."

Hiashi lowered his eyebrows and studied his daughter for a few seconds. Huh, perhaps his genetics actually did something for once. He had thought that Hinata would've been just like her mother: kind, caring, averse to violence...

She probably would've ended up being secretive too, if her reclusive attitude hadn't begun to fade.

"I must say that I didn't expect this," Hiashi mildly stated. From the expression on Hanabi's face, she didn't seem to have expected her older sister to kill anyone, either.

"My friends helped me out," Hinata offered. "Naruto-kun, Shino-kun, and Kiba-kun, and Kurenai-sensei all believed in my abilities." None more vocal – as in, _loud_ – than Naruto, for some reason.

Her father noticed the inflection she put on Naruto's name. "Naruto, hm? That boy always seems to be involved in some way or another," he mused. "I do wish you would be careful around him, Hinata."

"Is it because of his chakra?" Hanabi asked. "I've used the Byakugan on him, and... his chakra coils..." The youngest Hyuuga in the office sounded awed.

Hinata's face reddened. "H-Hanabi-chan, did you...? You're too young for..."

The girl tilted her head in confusion. "Did I see through his clothes, neesan?" Hinata swayed on her feet, and Hanabi shrugged. "There was nothing wrong with his bones or anything. I couldn't even see any signs of previous fractures or breaks, though they're really dense..."

"You saw through his skin?" Hiashi was more amused than anything else. Leave it to his youngest daughter to ignore the fact that the Byakugan could see through clothing and instead gaze right into a boy's skeletal system. Hanabi definitely resembled him rather than his wife.

"Y-Yeah... Naruto-kun has thick bones and a lot of chakra." Hinata gulped. A lot of chakra usually correlated to high stamina.

"He has more than you, Father. Why is that? Actually," Hanabi's face scrunched up adorably, "he has more than anyone else in the village. I've never seen anyone with that much chakra before."

"I cannot answer that question. If you cannot withhold your curiosity, then I give you both permission to ask Naruto himself. However, I cannot guarantee that he will answer your questions," their father replied.

Hanabi and Hinata were both staring at their father in confusion. "Why can't you, Father?" Hanabi asked, voicing her bewilderment.

Hiashi shifted on his plain recliner and linked his fingers together. "There is a... law, of sorts, that prevents me from saying anything definite. For the most part, its involvement has declined, though it is still present. Many people now see Naruto Uzumaki as who he is, rather than what he symbolizes."

No doubt his lack of presence helped do that. People sure were happy when Naruto's annoying pranks abruptly vanished. Less effort spent on cleaning was more effort spent on making money or enjoying oneself.

Seeing as his daughters weren't understanding, Hiashi sighed and said, "If you really want to know, simply ask him. Hinata, if _you_ wish to ask him, then I will reiterate: please be careful around him."

"Why neesan and not I, Father?" Hanabi's innocent, questioning eyes met her father's white ones.

Hiashi looked up and stared at the ceiling of his office in silence for a few seconds. Finally, he stated, "I doubt he'll be much too interested in you, Hanabi."

* * *

**Elaboration on Tayuya's backstory was needed. She's more than just pairing fodder. And yes, I am including Hanabi, though probably not in the way most people are thinking. Hiashi's demeanor has lightened slightly from canon, too.**

**Why Naruto wanted to kill Tayuya? Well... that'll involve Guren when I introduce her. Next arc is a toss-up between two that I'm thinking about, though I'm open to suggestions.  
**

**Anyway, sorry for the delay. If there are any issues, inconsistencies, or other errors, or if you have any questions, leave a review or shoot me a message.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Please read and review! I always like to hear suggestions for how to write the girls/guys/whatever, as well as future scenes. Thanks!**

* * *

Chapter Fourteen: Popping

(Flashback, Age Ten)

_An Inuzuka female in some forest tilted her head at the boy in front of her. He was determined, focused – somewhat – and seemed to be eager to learn despite how new the Inuzuka was to teaching._

_If she was honest with herself, Hana expected the blond to be a stuck-up, arrogant, spoiled brat. When her mother had told her that the Legendary Jiraiya wanted to hire her to teach some child, she was ecstatic._

_Then one of her squad mates made a snide comment about how every ninja could be bought out or bribed in some way, and she was led into thinking that the apprentice of the Legendary Jiraiya was some kid with noble lineage._

_She couldn't just flat-out reject the man. It was practically a once in a lifetime chance, even if the Inuzuka female wasn't directly interacting with the infamous hermit._

_So, she was unbelievably relieved when she had been introduced to a chipper, happy boy who definitely carried himself like a ninja. He was sort of odd, however, and probably liked ramen much more than was healthy._

_Still, as long as he wasn't a pompous jackass, she was fine with it. Every ninja had their quirks, anyway._

_Once the blond – Naruto Uzumaki – was finished with his introductions, she introduced herself. "My name is Hana Inuzuka, and I'm a medical-nin from Konohagakure no Sato, though I'm sure you already knew that. Right?"_

_Naruto bobbed his head._

"_I was hired by your teacher to act as a tutor and teach you how to efficiently track your enemies, as well as how to administer proper first-aid. You know anything about either of those, brat?"_

"_Do you have to call me a brat? Yeesh, I'm _ten_, and I'm not _that_ short anymore..." Naruto whined._

_Hana smirked. "You sound like my kid brother." Leaning forward, she sniffed experimentally and her smirk widened into a full-blow grin. "Hah! You smell a helluva lot better than him, too! Nice to see a brat like you take a lesson in hygiene."_

"_Jiraiya-ojisan always says something about women liking clean men," Naruto said with a scowl. His cheeks heated up when he unintentionally remembered the rest of what his godfather had said._

_The Inuzuka raised an eyebrow. "Being clean generally makes you a lot likable regardless. Anyway, you know anything or not?"_

"_I know basic first-aid and a little bit of tracking. Ojisan told me that I'll never be able to use medical jutsu unless I train all my life for it," Naruto answered._

"_What?" Hana dumbly said. "That's impossible. I get that some people might not reach proficiency unless they train for a while, but training all your life just to use it is kind of crazy."_

"_It's true," Naruto said with a nod. "I have way too much chakra to be able to use them. He said I should look for other ways to heal people, like through seals."_

"_Way too much..." She blinked. Oh, that's why Naruto Uzumaki sounded so familiar. "You're the Kyuubi's container, aren't you?"_

_The blond nodded again. Hana could tell that he was much more meek this time, as well as hesitant._

"_Ah, don't worry about that," the Inuzuka chided, bending slightly to ruffle Naruto's hair. "We Inuzuka are loyal to our own. Besides, you're too cute to be an instrument of destruction." She pinched his reddening cheeks to emphasize her words._

_Naruto groaned loudly. "Why do pretty girls always pinch my cheeks?"_

"_Oh, you think I'm pretty, do you?" Naruto froze. "Well, you wouldn't be the first one. Since medical jutsu seems to be a bust, and you already know first-aid, let's go with tracking. Got an idea of why Inuzuka are usually picked to track down missing and enemy ninja?"_

"_Your nose," the blond quickly answered, happy to be moving away from the previous topic. "The Inuzuka clan have senses of smell that are far more developed than other ninja. Your noses can be used to find enemies that're hiding or trying to run away."_

"_That's pretty textbook, Naruto. You actually read books at your age?"_

_He rubbed his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I want to be Hokage someday. The Old Man knows, like, everything about Konoha and the clans in it, and I want to be smarter than him, and more powerful than him, too."_

"_That's a pretty tough goal to reach. Most people your age don't have goals like that. For my brother, his goals go something along the lines of teaching Akamaru something silly, or stealing food from our fridge after he's eaten," Hana joked. "He doesn't do his homework, or practice his techniques very much either."_

_The blond rubbed his head again, though this time he blushed slightly at the praise. He was used to praise from his godfather, from Granny Tsunade, and from Kakashi-sensei, among other people. Pretty girls? No way._

_Granny Tsunade looked young, but she didn't really count – or so Jiraiya insisted._

"_We're going off on a tangent," Hana said. "Inuzuka are gifted with a powerful sense of smell. That works for us, and you better believe that we'll abuse the hell out of it. However, even if you're not an Inuzuka, the sense of smell can still be useful. You might not be able to sniff things out like me, but you can still make good use of your nose."_

"_Really? How? Jiraiya-ojisan's told me that I might be able to smell and hear stuff better..." He trailed off and shrugged._

"_There are a lot of distinct scents in each environment. Many of these will overlap unless there's a particularly strong stench, so a normal human can't really distinguish one scent from another. What you need to do," she explained, "is find what _doesn't _match with your surroundings._

"_As far how you might be able to smell and hear better than some people, well... everyone's different, and you have a giant fox sealed inside of you. I have no idea what that'll do," she finished with her own shrug._

"_Okay. Should we start training, then?"_

_Hana grinned mischievously. Naruto was struck at how familiar that expression looked. "Haimaru triplets, go!" the Inuzuka yelled._

_Naruto, caught completely off-guard, nearly drowned in slobber as he was tackled by three overeager ninja dogs. The three canines nearly killed him with their powerful cuteness abilities, too._

**VvVvV**

(Some Training Ground)

Sitting in the middle of a clearing in some training ground, a blond teenager was attempting to meditate.

Key word, _attempting_.

Meditation was very difficult for Naruto. The amount of energy coursing through his body as well as how hyperactive he could be were more detrimental than anything else whenever he wanted to collect his thoughts and focus.

And that was an issue. It was an issue because using the Kyuubi's chakra required a lot of willpower else he risked succumbing to the incredibly simple desire of destruction. While the Tailed Beast itself occasionally aided him, for the most part it enjoyed being difficult.

Stupid fox.

Opening his eyes, Naruto stifled a groan at how shoddy the person spying on him was being. He could hear the rustling in the bushes, for crying out loud!

At least the person didn't seem to be hostile. He or she – Naruto hoped it was a she – wasn't radiating ill intent or anything. Exceptionally skilled assassins could mask their intentions until right before they were about to strike, however.

Who would assassinate him? He was amazing, lovable, and amazing. Someone out there had to be jealous.

"You're not doing a very good job of hiding, you know," Naruto called out. When there wasn't a response, the blond used a short-range Body Flicker to appear in the bushes, where he unceremoniously tapped his assailant on the head and scared the living hell out of her.

She tumbled out of the bushes, panting slightly and scowling cutely at the blond she had been observing. He had done nothing interesting at all in the five or so minutes she had been staring at him. Her Byakugan could've revealed more, but she didn't want to alert him to her presence.

The young Hyuuga wasn't skilled enough to use her family's bloodline without a verbal incantation.

Not that it would've mattered, apparently.

"Now then," Naruto began, "are you going to tell me why you were spying on me? I like it when attractive women spy on me, but you're a bit too young for my tastes. I ain't into the whole loli thing."

"Um..." The little Hyuuga cleared her throat. "You went with my sister on a mission a while ago, and she spoke well of you, as did my father. Plus, you have more chakra than anyone else in the village."

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Erm... okay? You were spying on me because of something your sister said? Who..." He blinked. "Oh, you're Hinata Hyuuga's sister, right? Hiashi Hyuuga's second daughter?"

"Yes. My name is Hanabi Hyuga. Pleased to meet you, Naruto Uzumaki." Hanabi made to bow and instead frantically smoothed out her ruffled training uniform.

"If you wanted to chat with me, you could've just asked. You didn't have to get yourself all dirtied up," the blond mildly said.

"This is the only free time I have at the moment," the girl explained. "I have to get going soon for an etiquette lesson. I wanted to know how you managed to get so much chakra into your body. If I had that much chakra, I could do my clan and the village proud. I'd be one of the most powerful kunoichi ever!"

"Spunky, aren't ya?" Naruto chuckled at her eager expression. "You can't get as much chakra as I can. I doubt anyone can, actually, aside from a few other people around the nations."

"Why not?" she asked with a pout.

"I have a Tailed Beast sealed into my gut," Naruto said with a shrug.

Hanabi tilted her head. "A Tailed Beast? Yes, a giant construct made up of chakra forced to stay inside someone's body would give them... no... How is that possible? A human body's chakra coils can't accept that much chakra at once... can they?"

Naruto burst out laughing. "Oh, I like you. Going right to the technicalities, huh? Much more intelligent than some other people I've met over the years. Follow me, and I'll explain how it works."

Why not? Hanabi had been fairly genial so far.

The blond jinchuriki led the young Hyuuga to the middle of the field, where he removed his orange vest and threw it aside. Then, he took off his shirt and chucked it aside as well. Curiously enough, Hanabi didn't blush at all.

Definitely not as timid or as easy to fluster as her sister. It was amusing to see how different the two were.

"Watch carefully, little firecracker," Naruto said. He put his hands together and channeled chakra throughout his body, causing the intricate seal on his abdomen to become visible.

Focusing intently on the seal, Hanabi furrowed her brow when she realized she couldn't make heads or tails of it. Since she was part of the Hyuuga's Main Branch and the daughter of their leader, she was required to learn how to brand those below her station with her family's special seal.

Hinata hadn't wanted to learn that particular skill and was passed over...

The seal on Naruto's stomach, however... it was something else. Her meager knowledge of seals had nothing on what was in front of her.

"See how complicated this is? I can't even begin to understand what the hell's going on with it and I've been studying seals since I was young!" the blond remarked.

"Are you going to explain how it works?" she asked, eyes shining in anticipation.

"First of all, I have an _idea_ of how it works, though there are some foreign elements in there that make no sense to me whatsoever. Since I'm a jinchuriki, I have a Tailed Beast inside of me. Which one-"

"Kyuubi," Hanabi quickly answered. "That's the only one that makes sense, considering it attacked us fourteen years ago, which coincides with how old you look. Plus, you're a Konoha ninja."

"Smart girl," Naruto praised. "To tell you the truth, a Tailed Beast's full power probably can't be accepted by one person's chakra system, no matter who they are. Mine sticks to that standard and instead causes small bits of the Kyuubi's chakra to leak into my own coils. It's been this way since I was a baby."

"A small amount of chakra ever since you were born gradually thickening your..." Hanabi's eyes widened. "That's... that's...!" She could only gape at Naruto in awe.

"Impressive? Amazing? I should let you know that I'm the most awesome person _ever_."

"You must have terrible chakra control in exchange," Hanabi mused. "I suppose the extra power supplements your vitality since you can keep up with the influx."

The blond tilted his head in confusion. "Vitality? Where'd you get that from, girlie?"

"Your name is Naruto Uzumaki, correct? You might be from the Uzumaki Clan if you're carrying their surname. According to the history books I've read, they were gifted with a powerful life force, and had an innate talent with the sealing arts." Hanabi gave him a pointed look.

Naruto grinned widely. "You're definitely well-read. I think you'd do fine as... my loli sidekick!" He stood up straight and planted his hands on his hips for emphasis.

Hanabi raised an eyebrow. Although it was probably supposed to make her look somewhat sophisticated, it just made her even more adorable for her age. "There's that term again. What does "loli" mean, Naruto-san?"

"It's a term for a preteen girl with an underdeveloped body," Naruto explained. "Like I said, I'm not into that sort of thing. Some people have a fetish for it for whatever reason." The blond shrugged.

"I see," Hanabi murmured. "Is there a similar word for younger males?"

"Shota."

"Ah."

"So, how about it?" Hanabi gave Naruto a questioning glance. "Do you want to be my sidekick?"

The Hyuuga frowned. "What does being a sidekick entitle? Like I said, I have other responsibilities and-" She squinted up at the sun, "-I must be going soon."

Naruto snorted. "Etiquette lessons? Really? Why would you want etiquette lessons? You're, what, nine? Ten?"

"Eleven," Hanabi answered.

The blond rolled his eyes. "Yep, perfect loli sidekick material. Are you going to answer my question or not? I'm getting pretty hungry from doing absolutely nothing."

"Weren't you meditating?"

"Yep. Hence, absolutely nothing." Naruto gave the Hyuuga a cheeky grin. "If you do choose to be my sidekick, then I can give you the best lessons of all: the lessons of life! And maybe sealing information if you're trying to learn that art. I'm not really stingy."

Hanabi's eyes flashed. Sealing information from an actual Uzumaki – he hadn't explicitly denied it – that seemed to have skill in it was something useful. Plus, he was the apprentice of the Legendary Jiraiya, who was a sealing master in his own right.

She had to stop herself from drooling. It was uncouth.

"Very well, I accept."

"Awesome!" Naruto gave her a thumbs up. "Now, let's get something to eat. Don't protest, your etiquette thing can wait. Life lesson number one: don't be a pompous dick. Why do you need etiquette training anyway?"

Etiquette was boring. You'd use it a few times to impress some people and never use it again. Who cares what you did with a fork, spoon, knife, or kunai? They could all be used to deliver food to your mouth. What was the big deal?

"All Hyuuga Clan Heads are expected to be graceful. This extends from politics to silverware," the girl informed as she followed the blond out of the clearing. He was leading her in the general direction of the Hyuuga compound.

"What about Hinata? They passed your sister over for you?"

"Yes," Hanabi said with a nod. "It's not meant to be public. Father tries his best, but Hinata-neesan doesn't have the necessary strength of character to lead the clan. She's too kind and not as pragmatic as she should be."

"Ouch, that's harsh." It was also interesting to hear. At least her father wasn't picking on Hinata's insecurities, as far as he knew. "I've seen her fight, though. She's not weak at all or anything. I think she could be pretty damn powerful if she continues to put her back into it."

"Hinata-neesan isn't a weak ninja. That isn't the issue anymore; she's too emotional to lead the clan. Even Tsume Inuzuka-sama knows how to leave emotion out of her job when it's necessary."

"And that's why you've been chosen, you curious little firecracker," Naruto finished. "I can't say I like how your clan operates. Hinata once told me that she wants to end the division in her family. Do you share the same goal?"

Hanabi hummed in thought for a moment. "I'd like to, but it's hard to heal years of resentment, and the result would likely severely damage my clan." She sighed morosely.

"Yes, I can see how that would be an issue. In fact, my clan underwent something similar."

Naruto's body locked up before beginning to move again, albeit mechanically. Next to him, Hanabi was experiencing the same thing, if her slightly widened eyes were any indication.

The person who had spoken was familiar, although the voice was much deeper and scratchier than he remembered. With his body locked up, he was forced to stare straight ahead. However, much to his relief, his mouth was working.

"You sound like Itachi Uchiha," he grit, finding that it was still somewhat hard to speak clearly.

"Hmm? Yes, I suppose that's true considering I _am_ Itachi Uchiha. It is nice to see you again after so many years, Naruto-kun."

**VvVvV**

(Hokage's Office)

"_How_ did you deal with this, sensei? Can't I just use a shadow clone?"

"Tsunade-chan, you will still get the memories in the end. I'm sure absorbing information gradually is better than doing so all it once. Believe me, the headache is not worth it," Hiruzen answered.

The new Fifth Hokage, Tsunade Senju, grumbled to herself. Why, _oh why_ did she accept this damnable position?

She liked gambling. She liked drinking. She liked having nothing important to do.

Letting out a loud groan, Tsunade growled, "Damned brat convincing me to take this job. I wish he convinced me to drink more instead."

The former Hokage peered at a folder before handing it over to his student. Tsunade took it, tore it open – nearly destroying it in the process – and added, "This is going to make me look like you before I turn fifty-five."

"I doubt it," Hiruzen replied with a grin. "You always wear that Transformation of yours. I suspect that won't change in the future."

As she scanned through the mission documents, Tsunade frowned. "Sasuke Uchiha isn't in the village? Did the hazing ritual end already? I could've sworn he had at least a week and a half left."

"Orochimaru never told you any specifics about part two, did he?" the Third Hokage asked, his grin remaining pasted on his face.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes. Out of her and her two once-genin teammates, only Orochimaru had elected to become an ANBU. Until right before his defection he used to complain about what he'd experienced at least every few days.

"Most of the time he always mentioned having to clean the Akimichi toilets," Tsunade commented.

Hiruzen chortled. "Yes, well, once they deemed him worthy to progress onward in the force, they made him take care of those with noble descent."

The kunoichi's jaw dropped. "You're telling me that he was forced to clean the bathrooms those stuck-up nobles used?" she incredulously asked.

"You shouldn't sound jealous. Unlike the Akimichi, who actually know how to take care of their digestive system, the Fire Lord's extended family don't. Most of them have terrible diets. Don't you remember when the former Lord asked for your... assistance?"

Tsunade's expression twisted before settling into a grimace. "Ugh, that's disgusting. I've seen a lot of things in my life as a medic, but whatever he ate was obviously _not_ meant for normal consumption. Now I'm wondering why we were all so surprised the snake turned," she said.

"In any case, I'd rather not focus on Orochimaru. It's depressing. I do hope young Sasuke doesn't end up following the same path... his willpower should be greater than Orochimaru's was," the Third mused.

"That reminds me, I need to slap Naruto upside the head the next time I see him."

"Why?"

"Sasuke Uchiha has been interested in some of Jiraiya's books lately," Tsunade dryly remarked. "Considering who he was teamed up with, I have a very good idea of who got him hooked onto the stuff."

Hiruzen looked affronted. "Jiraiya-kun's writing isn't bad at all. Why would you want to cut off his addiction-" The old man coughed, "-I mean hobby?"

Right as Tsunade made to chastise her sensei for being an old, perverted fool, the office door burst open, revealing a panting and frantic Shizune. "T-Tsunade-sama! Itachi Uchiha and Kisame Hoshigaki have been spotted in the village, and they're after Naruto-kun!"

Both Hokage abruptly leapt to their feet, fierce scowls appearing on their faces. "Where are they?" Tsunade lowly hissed.

She did not like Akatsuki, and for good reason. Naruto helped fill the void left in her heart by her little brother's death and her lover's death. Tsunade would never allow him to die.

The same could be said for the Third Hokage, although for entirely different, no less important reasons. Such as, for example, the further release of amazingly written pornographic books. The Icha Icha series was to die for.

"Itachi was sighted doing a strange dance in the nude, and Kisame Hoshigaki was seen at a restaurant," Shizune quickly informed.

The three jumped out the window of the office, landing on a nearby roof. Ninja always did strange things and Naruto likely had something to do with the former.

**VvVvV**

(With Naruto, Hanabi, and Itachi)

"Do you mind telling me why everyone is screaming at me, Naruto-kun? I spent quite a bit of time on this disguise," Itachi idly said.

In total, he had used hair dye, contacts, a Transformation, another Transformation, and a subtle illusion to make people pay less attention to him. Now, all of a sudden, Itachi's precautions had gone down the drain.

Everyone was telling him to put his clothes on for some reason.

Naruto tried and failed to shrug, instead saying, "I don't really want to cause collateral damage, so I used one of my handy-dandy techniques to make it look like you were you, just naked. I turned you into a transvestite, too."

Itachi turned to Naruto with as much anger as he could summon... which amounted to a grand total of none. He only summoned his emotions when they were needed and an immature prank was not the time for them to come out.

He had to admit Naruto was being inventive. "Why are they not telling you two to move away from me? I'm sure no one would feel comfortable since you and the girl are standing close by. By the way, I believe you meant hermaphrodite. Transvestite has a different definition, Naruto-kun."

"Well, the thing is... they can't see us. There is no way in _hell_ that I would ruin Hanabi's reputation like that. My reputation? Sure, why not? Hanabi's kind of important, though, and I couldn't allow her to be seen that way," Naruto explained. He opted to ignore Itachi's little vocabulary lesson.

Despite his odd quirks, Naruto Uzumaki was a selfless person. Hanabi felt as if she was beginning to understand why her sister had become so taken with him.

"That's very heroic of you, Naruto-kun. You're lucky everyone is too busy screaming to hear you speak," Itachi stoically remarked.

"Itachi Uchiha! Stand down and... what the hell?" Tsunade gawked at the Uchiha's nudity. "...Since when did you have _both_? Your file..."

At the sight of their former and current Hokage, as well as the Hokage's assistant, the townspeople in the area quickly left. It wasn't hard to tell something crazy was about to happen. The presence of the two Hokage was serious business.

"This is probably Naruto's doing," Hiruzen muttered, giving Itachi a hard stare after making sure he wasn't making direct eye contact. "Hanabi-chan! Can you please leave this place?"

"Itachi probably used a genjutsu to force her into keeping silent and staying where she is," Tsunade stated. She raised a fist and pointed it at Itachi. "Stand down! Do not attack or we will be forced to use lethal- oh to hell with it, I'll just knock you out right now."

Itachi's eyes widened and he released the technique that had bent Naruto and Hanabi to his will. Backing away from the furious, large-breasted Hokage, he quickly began to leap away, Naruto's illusions falling apart in the process.

As skilled as he was, Itachi did _not_ want to fight Tsunade Senju when she had the Third Hokage as backup. Sure, the former Hokage might know the whole story, but Tsunade didn't, and the Third had a certain type of appearance he needed to maintain.

The Uchiha launched a fireball at Tsunade, who simply ran through it, using her fists to disperse it and taking absolutely no damage in the process. Itachi almost sighed in exasperation; he didn't want to use anything high-powered.

Why damage the village he still loved? He just wanted to finish his mission parameters, check up on Sasuke, and perhaps get a bite to eat with Kisame.

Not in any real order, of course. Forcing Naruto to watch them eat would be difficult.

Speaking of which, the blue-skinned man walked out of an alleyway holding a bag with a fish label on it. "Yo, Itachi! I got some sushi for you since _you_ wanted to get our chores- is that Tsunade Senju?"

"Kisame, please run," Itachi said in a louder tone of voice than he was used to. He hoped he wouldn't have a sore throat after this whole debacle.

Kisame took the hint and took off sprinting. Tsunade was, unfortunately, forced to cease her pursuit. As the Hokage, she couldn't run around everywhere anymore without proper clearance and she wasn't completely sure she could take on both Itachi and Kisame outside of Konoha.

Growling to herself, the buxom blonde whipped around and stalked over to where Naruto was making sure Hanabi was all right. "You! Brat! Did Itachi hurt you? He didn't touch you anywhere, did he?"

"That's disgusting, and no, he didn't," Naruto dryly replied. "Where are the ANBU? Shouldn't they be dealing with this?"

"Itachi likely incapacitated them in some way. He always was adept at infiltration, a trait he seems to have kept up," Hiruzen explained.

Tsunade smacked Naruto on the head. "Idiot! Did you _have_ to get Sasuke into that smutty crap Jiraiya writes? I have enough to deal with in Kakashi and sensei over here!" she ground out.

"I think they're good books," Naruto feebly said. Tsunade's glare did not lessen, though Naruto knew that this was her way of expressing worry. "Go rail on _him_, damn it! He's the one who chomped on the bait!"

"I'm just glad you're okay," the blonde said before she exhaled in relief. "What about you, Hyuuga girlie? Are you all right?"

"Aside from my pride, I am unharmed. Thank you for asking, Hokage-sama," Hanabi politely replied.

Tsunade snorted and, out of the corner of her eye, saw a concerned – as concerned as he could look – Hiashi Hyuuga hurrying over to them.

"I just heard the news," he began in an uncharacteristically emotional manner. "Are you all right, Hanabi?"

"I am fine, father," Hanabi replied.

"That is good," Hiashi murmured. Turning to Naruto and the two leaders, he added, "Thank you for aiding her. I don't think I could've lived with losing another family member."

Tsunade and Hiruzen exchanged glances before the blonde sharply nodded. "All leaders of Konoha have a duty to the village and its people. There is no need for thanks, Hiashi."

The Hyuuga head turned, ordering Hanabi to accompany him back to their home. As soon as he mentioned those idiotic etiquette lessons, however, his daughter asked for something different. Then, she proceeded to explain how Naruto had deemed her his "loli sidekick" and how he still needed to teach her.

Hiashi had no idea what a "loli sidekick" was and ended up allowing his daughter to skip the lessons because he thought it was a slang term for student.

He wanted Hanabi to obtain some real-world experience, too.

With a bow to her father, Hanabi walked back over to Naruto with a smirk on her face.

"So what are we going to start _training_ on first, Naruto-_sensei_?"

"I was hoping that you'd become a ninja first since that simplifies things," Naruto replied.

"Consider it done," Tsunade said, reaching into a pocket and retrieving a gleaming Konoha forehead protector.

"You just carry forehead protectors in your pockets, baachan?"

"'Course I do. She's a clan heir and likely already has training, so why the hell not? It'll make things easier on you and besides, clans like to hire tutors anyway. In fact, I already have a mission in mind for the two of you," the Hokage said with a mischievous grin.

"I'm not going to be a part of this," Hiruzen commented. He patted Hanabi's head and smiled at Naruto. "Good luck to the both of you. Don't do anything stupid, Naruto."

Then he vanished using a flawless Body Flicker to show that he was still much more of a ninja than Naruto was. Being an old, wizened leader of Konoha didn't mean the Third Hokage couldn't be petty when he wanted to be.

Plus, since he wasn't the Hokage anymore, he didn't have to deal with debauchery on a daily basis anymore. Let the new Hokage deal with that annoying problem.

"So what's the mission?" Naruto asked after a few moments.

Hanabi strapped on her new forehead protector, smiling at her new ninja status. She wondered if there was still going to be that other genin test her sister had mentioned; however, she wasn't sure if it applied to those who were training under one sensei – or what passed for a sensei in her case.

"Since Hanabi here is pretty much a newbie, I'm going to assign you brats something easy. Don't worry, Naruto, you aren't going to be babysitting anyone. All right, you two know who Inoichi Yamanaka is, right? He's recently obtained some new seeds meant to expand our repertoire of poisons. Since he and his wife are busy, you two will be aiding his daughter in their flower shop," Tsunade said.

"Gotcha, baachan!" Naruto cheerfully replied. Hanabi added in her own acceptance, albeit in a much quieter fashion.

The buxom blonde handed them a note and told them to get going.

Naruto was giddy. He knew who Inoichi Yamanaka's daughter was. He wasn't acquainted with her, but he knew who she was, and he sure did want to get to know her better.

He might as well continue Hanabi's life lessons too.

* * *

**Relatively short, but I wanted to get going for Ino. As for Hanabi... yes, she is Naruto's loli sidekick. He is _not_ interested in her at the moment. She still has growing to do before he begins to notice her in that way.**

**What I wanted to do with Hanabi however was make her both unlike and like Hinata. They can share the same confidence and they're both polite, but Hanabi is more interested in knowledge and isn't as emotional or easily flustered as Hinata is.**

**Anyway, tell me what you think. R/R, and if there any errors, continuity or otherwise, let me know. Thanks.**

**EDIT: Fixed a definition error. Thanks to Sheaman for the help.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Not quite satisfied with this, but here we go. If there are any continuity errors, let me know, please. Sometimes I completely miss them.  
**

* * *

Chapter Fifteen: Crashing

(Flashback, Age Ten)

_Naruto warily gazed at the trees surrounding him. Before Hana left to head back to Konoha, she had asked him to utilize his new skills to find her hiding place._

_The Inuzuka wasn't going to make it easy. Her canine partners were acting as distractions and whenever Naruto came close to her, she would swap with one of them. When the ninja dog was found, it would drench Naruto's face in slobber and then prance off._

_Thoughts of knocking the dogs out had crossed Naruto's mind many, many times. It would certainly make finding Hana easier._

_However, that would defeat the purpose of the exercise. Naruto was aiming to improve himself. Taking the easy way out wouldn't benefit him and he had no intention of losing out on the opportunity to prove himself to his temporary tutor._

_Standing stolidly, the blond took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He waited and listened, having long since given up on using his – somewhat undependable – nose._

_Aside from the sounds of the insects and birds, there was nothing. There was rustling or movement of any kind._

_Although Naruto wished to let his burgeoning skill in ninjutsu be known, forcing his hyperactivity down was crucial._

_That didn't mean he couldn't utilize it at all. His ears caught something and, after spinning his godfather's Transparency Technique around his body, lunged at where the noise had come from._

_His body hit something soft. At first, he was afraid that he had runn right into one of the Haimaru Triplets. Then, he opened his eyes and was greeted with black clothing. Looking up, Naruto saw an amused Inuzuka staring down at him, a smirk forming on her face._

"_Nice going, Naruto-kun." The blond grinned, and Hana added, "I'm flattered, by the way."_

_Naruto paled and jumped away when he realized he had run right into Hana's modest chest. "I-I-I'm sorry!" he quickly sputtered, his face turning from white to red almost immediately._

_Hana simply laughed. "Maybe I should've kept my vest on." She shrugged and yelled out, "Triplets!"_

_Her partners dashed out of the foliage, panting and excitable as always. Naruto tensed and prepared himself to be mauled, but the three canines surprisingly did not move._

_The blond watched as Hana not-so-subtly sniffed herself and grimaced. "All right, I stink, and I'm sure you stink too. It's hot and we've been sweating all day, so let's go wash off. I spotted a place where we could take a dip earlier."_

_Without waiting for Naruto's reply, she turned to walk in a different reaction with her partners trotting after her. The blond obediently followed, feeling a bit too grimy as well._

_Eventually, the two of them found a pool of water large enough to comfortably hold several people, with a waterfall emptying into it. The liquid rippled from the falls and the area, with a few trees blocking out the rays of the sun, emanated a feeling of peace._

_Naruto instantly felt relaxed._

"_Nice place, eh?" Hana said with a grin._

"_This is going to be great!" Naruto exclaimed. He shucked off his shirt and pants, leaving him in a pair of orange shorts._

_Hana snickered at the odd toad design, causing Naruto to pout and explain how the color orange was the best of them all, and how toads were awesome._

_Then, Naruto backed up and, with a running start, took a mighty leap into the pool. The resulting splash nearly drenched his temporary tutor._

_Once the blond resurfaced, he swam over to an edge and held onto it, sighing in contentment at how nice the water felt. He could practically feel the sweat and dirt drifting away from his body._

_The water made him feel reflective. It made him think about his past, his godfather, his friends, and what he was going to do in the future. He still wanted to be Hokage, but that job was still out of reach. Naruto needed to become stronger and well-respected before the Old Man could hand him the fancy hat._

_Naruto was so caught up in his thoughts that he failed to notice a second, smaller splash._

"_This feels great, doesn't it Naruto-kun?"_

_The blond turned and slumped against the bank of the pool. The water level was just up to his chest and the depth was rather shallow._

_With his eyes closed, Naruto replied, "Yeah, a dip is great during a hot day."_

"_This is the last day I'm going to be here. Aren't you said I'm leaving tomorrow?" Hana asked. Although Naruto's eyes were closed, her lips quivered in mock-sadness._

_Naruto opened his eyes and made to reassure the chunin right before he noticed that Hana was topless. Quickly turning away, he noticed that her clothes – including her underwear – were lying in a pile nearby._

"_Did... did you just jump in _naked_?" he squawked._

"_'Course I did," Hana replied. "Skinny dipping feels the best. You think I just bring a swimsuit whenever I leave on a mission?" She scoffed and gave Naruto a coy smile. "Oh, but I suppose I should be thankful I'm swimming with such a gentleman. A very nice and cute gentleman."_

_Hana could practically see steam coming out of Naruto's ears. She also thought that the water near him was beginning to boil._

"_Seriously speaking though... I'm glad I got the chance to teach you some things, Naruto-kun," Hana admitted. "It was a lot of fun acting as your tutor. If I'm ever given a genin team, I hope they're all like you. You're a good kid."_

_The blush faded from Naruto's face and he smiled warmly. "Yeah, I had fun learning under you too, Hana-sensei. Don't worry, I'll see you again when my sensei and I go back to Konoha!"_

"_I'll be happy to see you again. Be sure you don't leave me hanging," she said with a wink._

_Naruto gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up... and then managed to get a good eyeful of her bare breasts as she rose out of the water to scrub her glistening, wet body._

**VvVvV**

(Yamanaka Flower Shop)

Ino Yamanaka was bored. She was supposed to receive help soon since her parents were busy running errands.

A few more hands would be pretty helpful. The blonde teenager couldn't deal with everything herself.

Oh, how she wished she could create solid clones. Those weren't a Yamanaka's specialty, though, and they wouldn't help with a long-distance delivery.

A chime rang out, signaling that someone had walked into her family's flower shop. "Welcome to the Yamanaka Flower Shop!" she called out, mentally wincing when it sounded somewhat forced. Ino stopped tending the Belladonna plant, pulled off her long gloves, and made her way to the register.

"Whoa, neat shop here. That's a sleeping agent, that's an aphrodisiac, and I have no idea what the hell that thing is." Naruto shrugged and walked up to Ino, who was gawking at him. "Yo! What's up? You're Ino Yamanaka, right?"

"Uh... yes?"

"Nice to meet ya! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and the Hyuuga girlie over here is my sidekick, Hanabi-chan."

"It's a pleasure," Hanabi said with a slight bow.

"Tsunade-baachan sent us over here to help you since your parents are out," Naruto cheerfully explained. "What do you need help with? I'm the man for the job if anything dangerous is involved."

"Naruto-sensei, you obviously don't know the properties belonging to a few of these plants," Hanabi stated. "Neither do I, for that matter. While you may be fine handling these, I'm fairly sure Ino-san and I will not. Why do you think she was wearing gloves when we walked in?"

"Whoa, whoa!" Ino interrupted, waving her hands in front of her. She glared at Naruto and planted her hands on her hips. "I'm grateful that you two were sent here to help me out, but this stuff can really hurt you. Please be careful, and don't touch anything."

As much as she wanted to probe the guy – Naruto Uzumaki had his fair share of rumors surrounding him – for juicy bits of information, she had a job to do. Dealing with poisonous plants was always dangerous in some way and she didn't want her fellow Konoha-nin to accidentally hurt themselves.

"Hey! I thought I told you not to touch anything!"

"Who, me? I wasn't touching anything," the Uzumaki hedged, placing his hands behind his back and whistling innocently.

Ino groaned and rubbed her brow. "Look, just don't touch those flowers over there, there, and there," she said, pointing out which of her family's merchandise was toxic. "Besides, you two aren't going to be handling these. That's not what my daddy put the mission up for."

"Well, that sure as hell contradicts what Tsunade-baachan said," Naruto muttered. With a scowl, he added, "I bet she knew about this, too. Damn it, granny... always trying to bother me in some way..."

Of course, that wasn't true, but Naruto was a fairly curious guy. It wasn't as if the poisons could severely hurt him, anyway.

"I was wondering why Hokage-sama would allow me in particular to attempt to handle poisonous objects," Hanabi mused.

"You?" Ino asked. "Why not him?" She planted her hands on her hips again and gave Naruto a piercing stare.

He fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I believe Naruto-sensei has a type of immunity towards poisons, though I'm not sure how tolerant he can be," Hanabi truthfully replied.

"Just in case, keep your hands to yourself." Ino gave Naruto another stare, this time looking up and down his body. "Ugh, you need a lesson in fashion sense. It's a good thing you're cute.

"Anyway," Ino continued as Naruto sputtered indignantly, "we're going to the Land of Waves. It's not too far from here and they need supplies. Recently, they've experienced an economic collapse, one that they're still recovering from. Since Konoha helps people out for a price, we're going to deliver medicine to them. Some of the medicine is extracted from these poisonous flowers – which is extremely expensive to do – so don't drop them."

"All right, where should we start?" Naruto tiredly asked.

"Most of the meds are already sealed away in these," Ino explained, pulling out three scrolls from the drawer underneath the register.

Eying the scrolls, Naruto commented, "Those seals don't look very sturdy. Want me to make better ones?"

"I think that'd be for the best," Hanabi added, eager to see Naruto's sealing prowess at work.

Ino frowned and glanced down at the three scrolls she was holding. "They look fine to me. Why wouldn't they be sturdy?"

"The sealing grammar is partly wrong and some of the ink is beginning to smudge," Naruto pointed out. "I'm pretty much a certified sealing expert. My teacher taught me well, ya know."

Appearing in front of her with a speed that belied his jovial, carefree attitude, Naruto snatched the scrolls before Ino could so much as bat an eyelash. Placing them on an unused tabletop, the Uzumaki procured an inkwell and brush.

Hanabi was paying close attention as her sensei dipped his brush in his inkwell. Ino too began to pay attention, having resigned herself to Naruto's odd behavior.

She really wanted to know what was going on inside his head. Didn't normal people ask for permission first before they wrote all over another person's belongings?

Hell, Ino didn't think that writing all over another person's belongings was considered _normal_, even if those belongings were sealing scrolls.

"There we go," Naruto stated, grinning victoriously at the new, still-wet characters he had inscribed on each of the three scrolls. He clapped his hands together and an invisible force pulsed out from his body that both Hanabi and Ino felt.

The blond tapped the scrolls, revealing that the ink was now dry.

"Interesting wording," Hanabi muttered. "Can you really write something that crude? I was always led to believe that improper structure could cause a seal to fail."

"Obviously it's not improper structure," Naruto said with a roll of his eyes. "Look again, Hanabi-chan. This isn't completely basic. See how the symbols flow and combine at the end?"

"I'm not sure I understand what that character means."

"Oi!" Ino bit out, feeling very irritated at what had happened. "Are the seals fine now, or do you need to mess up more of my clan's property?"

Naruto chuckled sheepishly.

"Idiot." Ino sighed in exasperation. "Come on, you two. Once we get to the Land of Waves, you're going to help me distribute the stuff. I need to stay there to make sure everyone knows how to administer the proper dosages since some people tend to ignore the instructions written on the bottles."

She shoved the three scrolls into Naruto's arms and waited until the two ninja were out of her family's flower shop before locking up. The merchandise was already taken care of and the shop's systems would make sure they were watered and kept in suitable living conditions based on their species.

Once she was done, Ino stormed forward, deliberately ignoring Naruto's calls.

"Honestly, I think I'd prefer fighting Itachi over this," Naruto muttered.

"We were lucky he didn't hurt us," Hanabi bluntly said. "I might as well see what each drug does. Herbal remedies are more my sister's thing."

"I hope this place has hot springs..."

"Hey! Hurry up, you two!" Ino called.

Naruto sighed and sped up, with Hanabi trailing behind him.

**VvVvV**

(The Land of Waves)

After a good day of sprinting through a long, dirt road, and then crossing part of the ocean – Hanabi already knew how to walk on water, surprisingly enough – the three ninja reached the Land of Waves.

At least, Naruto hoped they did. An aura of depression hung over the entire town and the townspeople themselves weren't much better. The majority were thin, gaunt, and extremely unsociable. Even the children looked unhealthy and afraid of mingling.

To put it bluntly, the entire place was a dump. The buildings were shabby and in dire need of repairs, and nobody seemed to care. The half-built bridge on one side of the island only highlighted the issues. Apparently construction had taken a hit as well.

The burly men stationed in certain areas made Naruto frown.

"This place..." Ino whispered. "What happened here? I know there was some kind of economic failure here recently, but it can't have been _that _bad."

"You're obviously wrong," Hanabi dully replied.

"Why wasn't Konoha notified about this? We should've known something was going on before leaving," Naruto mumbled. He casually walked up to one seated, shivering man, and asked, "What's happened to this place? What was the cause?"

Despite Naruto's friendly demeanor, the man shrank into himself and refused to answer.

"Hold me," the Yamanaka lowly said. Hanabi's eyes glinted in recognition of the unique, subtle hand-seal Ino put up. The blonde's body went slack for a moment before the Hyuuga caught her.

The shivering man tensed. "Guys, it's me, Ino. I used one of my family's techniques to get into this guy's head." He – she, perhaps? – frowned deeply. "This isn't good. There's a bad guy causing trouble here. I know where to go now, though."

When Ino canceled her technique, the man collapsed. Naruto felt sorry for him, but they needed to get to the bottom of the issue. No one would bother them due to the illusion the jinchuriki had spun.

"Follow me," Ino murmured.

She led them to a shabby house on the outskirts of town, near the uncompleted bridge. There was a small vegetable garden nearby. Lack of easy access to funds meant that people were encouraged to grow their own means of nutrition.

"Why are we here?" Hanabi curiously asked.

Ino explained the situation. A business man known as Gato had bought out most of the shipping companies in Wave. Then, he had taxed the townspeople's money away once the daimyo had been sufficiently bribed, and crushed whatever feeble resistance they were attempting to put up.

So long as the townspeople didn't bother Gato and his cronies, they and their families would be left alone. However, Tazuna, one of the men who still wanted to be free from Gato's stranglehold, was trying to build a bridge.

This bridge would break Gato's monopoly over the Land of Waves. Once Gato's hold was broken, more money could flow into the land and to the people, thus giving them their lives back.

Naruto felt that the idea was noble, albeit not quite helpful in the end. Explosives could handily remove the bridge should Gato feel the need to do so. Plus, if Gato could seize control of the bridge, then he would simply be able to rake in more money.

"In order to stop Tazuna from continuing to build his bridge, Gato..." Ino glared hatefully in the direction of the village, "...Gato kidnapped Tazuna's grandson and killed his stepfather. The kid is a hostage."

"How'd they get the mission to Konoha, then? I'm sure Gato's watching," Naruto mused.

"The guy didn't know that. I think Tazuna might know," Ino replied. She silently walked up to the door and, after a moment's hesitation, rapped her knuckles on it.

The three ninja stood there in silence. No one opened the door and they were left standing outside. Luckily, it was only midday – they had taken a rest during the previous night before resuming their sprint to the Land of Waves.

"Byakugan," Hanabi muttered. Her special eyes easily found the people inside the house. "They're purposely not answering the door. I think Gato's men have them scared, especially with his hostage."

"Let me try," Naruto said, moving in front of Ino. He gently knocked, saying, "We're ninja from Konoha! Please, let us in. We were assigned a mission to deliver medicine here."

Hanabi's eyebrows rose. "The woman's going to answer the door. I think the other person is trying to stop her, but she's not listening." She paused. "They don't look so good. Too much stress isn't a good thing."

The door creaked open just a crack, and a dark eye peered out. "Are... are you affiliated with Gato?" a feminine voice quickly, harshly whispered.

"No, we're not," Ino reassured, pointing to her forehead protector.

If they were hostile ninja intent on causing trouble, they would've just forced their way in. There wasn't really a reason hostile ninja would be in an area such as this.

Unless Gato was paying them handsomely, of course...

Naruto doubted that possibility. The population was pretty much already under Gato's heel.

The woman searched Ino's eyes for any deceit and let them in, apparently deciding that for ninja they were trustworthy enough even though she hadn't met any of them before. Desperation for any help at all might've driven her to trust them.

"My name is Tsunami," the woman introduced once everyone was settled inside the surprisingly clean house. "This is my father, Tazuna."

The somewhat fit man grunted a greeting. He strongly smelled like low-quality beer and the odor was definitely _not_ pleasant to withstand. Naruto idly wondered if his daughter was used to it.

The three Konoha-nin properly introduced themselves, and Ino asked, "Why was this not mentioned when we received a letter asking for a pharmaceutical resupply?"

Tazuna visibly perked up. "You guys got that? I didn't think that would work!"

"Dad!" Tsunami exclaimed, sounding affronted. "You _lied_ to them?"

Her father laughed sheepishly and rubbed his head. "Well, no, not really. We do need medication and, maybe, a bit of a pesticide for tyrannical midgets," he admitted.

"Why did you ask if we were affiliated with Gato if you could see our forehead protectors?" Naruto questioned. "Are there any other ninja operating here, or are you being cautious?"

"There's a lot of men here who'd hurt us and many of them would lie to our faces," Tsunami quickly replied.

Naruto and Ino exchanged glances as Hanabi narrowed her eyes.

"It would be better," Naruto began, his voice quiet, "to let us know about the circumstances, regardless of what they are and regardless of whether or not they are suspicions."

When Naruto's electric blue eyes refused to waver, Tazuna caved. "Gato may have hired ninja to kill me. The bridge is a symbol of hope for me and the village, and removing it would crush any and all resistance that's left."

The blond's previous demeanor vanished and he smiled grimly. "That's kind of a problem for us," Naruto cheerfully remarked. "We're not built for handling enemy ninja, nor are we meant to protect your life, Tazuna-san. This was, after all, meant to be a simple delivery mission."

Ino squirmed slightly. The idea of condemning the life of Tazuna and his grandson didn't set well with her. She doubted Naruto would just leave them to their fate, though he did sound disappointed.

"Nonetheless," Naruto continued, "we'll try our best. I don't like what Gato's done here either and I'll be glad to remove him. Seriously, there is _way_ too much negativity in this place." The blond thumped his heart dramatically.

Father and daughter both let out a grateful sigh of relief, and Tsunami cried, "Please get my son back. It's been weeks since I've last seen him!"

"We will," Ino determinedly replied.

"We promise," her fellow blond chimed.

"For now, though, please use our home in any way you wish," Tazuna stated. "It's the least we can do after misleading you and asking you to do this favor for us."

Naruto nodded. Glancing at Ino and Hanabi, he declared, "I'm going to do a bit of scouting, just in case their paranoia isn't wrong. Either one of you want to come with me? I'm going to seed the area with shadow clones."

Although not knowing what shadow clones truly were, Ino accepted the offer. Hanabi decided to remain behind and, once Naruto had explained how his solid clones worked, prepared to inform the one standing by her if any shady individuals walked within the range of her Byakugan.

Their hosts weren't keen on allowing the two ninja free reign; they didn't want them to attract the wrong kind of attention and end up becoming injured. However, Naruto insisted, and they let the two ninja go.

Thus, he and Ino left the house and walked into town, shrouded by one of Naruto's illusions.

**VvVvV**

"What _was_ that?" Ino whispered. Naruto had assured her that his silencing seals and illusions were more than satisfactory in preventing other people from noticing them.

"What was what?"

"That way you spoke. It flipped faster than... than..." The Yamanaka's face was thoughtful before she cleared her throat. "The way you were acting changed when you were speaking with Tsunami-san. It felt like you would ditch her if we were injured even though you agreed to help her out.

"Sakura mentioned you to me. You know your stuff even though you come across as a dunce. That was kind of like a personality disorder, actually," Ino remarked.

Naruto made a face. "A personality disorder? It's not as complicated as that." He made a show of shaking his head. "I don't like seeing good people get hurt due to mistakes that could've been prevented. I _especially_ hate seeing a sad lady. That's an atrocity in nature and should always be stopped when possible."

"So you've got a set of morals in there?" Ino tapped her head for emphasis. "Odd, since Sakura told me you're a pervert."

"Hey!" Naruto indignantly cried. "Perverts can be good people!"

Ino snickered.

"Just because I appreciate a woman's beauty doesn't make me a bad person, ya know!"

"Should I be worried that you were staring at me while I was sleeping?" Ino gibed, leaning slightly towards her comrade, a sultry grin plastered on her face.

"Nope," Naruto cheekily replied. "You don't have to be. I prefer to stare at women when they don't have their clothes on. Besides, your breasts aren't large enough for me to stare at you when your clothes are _on_, anyway. Give it a few years and I'm sure you'll have a chest to be proud of."

Ino gaped at her fellow blond, unable to think of a proper response.

"Come on, let's see if Gato's actually hired anyone shady lately. If we have to fight ninja, then we should be as prepared as we can be. Have you done an infiltration mission before?"

Naruto had to wait a few seconds before Ino's brain rebooted. She hastily said, "No, I haven't. Asuma-sensei usually has us do delivery missions or bandit control."

"We might be in trouble, then. Not knowing if Gato hired ninja works against us in this case. So," Naruto said, giving Ino a wicked grin, "let's ambush some guy and have you search his memories. We're bound to find a useful piece of information eventually."

"Are you sure that will work?"

"Oh yeah," Naruto said with a nod. "Plus, the faster we finish this, the faster I can get back to my hobby. Too bad this place is kind of out of it. Would've been nice to see pretty ladies chatting in public."

"You're certainly more talkative than Sasuke-kun is," Ino dryly remarked. "Much more talkative. No doom and gloom constantly hovers around you, that's for sure."

He actually paid attention to looks too. Ino was sort of offended, though. Her breasts were too small? She wasn't Hinata – lucky girl – but she was proud of her looks, and that extended to her body.

"I'll take that as a compliment. Live life to your fullest is one of the things I like to say. Over there, that guy's alone, tipsy, and no one else is paying much attention to him." Naruto pointed to the burly man they – well, Ino – were going to interrogate.

Interrogate might not have been the greatest term for what the Yamanaka was going to do.

The two ninja approached the man – who took no notice of them due to Naruto's Transparency Technique – and Ino put her hands together in the unique seal her clan used. With an uttered, "Mind Body Switch Technique," Ino entered the thug's consciousness.

Naruto caught the Yamanaka before she could hit the ground. Cradling her close to his body, he waited for Ino to completely take hold of the man's mind.

He didn't have to wait long. Ino was more than proficient enough in the usage of her family's techniques to control a drunk civilian.

"Ugh," the man groaned, "I am _not_ enjoying this at all. Remind me not to drink alcohol in my life, _ever_."

"You're not actually drunk," Naruto deadpanned.

"This guy's body is disgusting. I feel like I'm bloated, sweaty, and tired at the same time."

"The faster you find any pertinent memories, the faster you can get out of the body," the Uzumaki nonchalantly pointed out.

"Fine! Let's see here... nope, nope, nope, that's disgusting, and that has nothing to do with anything we're here for..." The man's face lit up in a grin that looked entirely out of place on him. "Yeah, Gato's hired ninja. I don't know who they are, but they're not missing-nin. Two were hired from Kirigakure."

"They're still hurting for money, which is likely why they accepted a low-profile assassination mission from Gato," Naruto hazarded. "Anything else in his skull?"

"Aside from general orders and when to take a break, there's nothing else that could be useful," the man stated.

"Huh. That was easy," Naruto murmured.

Ino gladly left the man's body. When she returned to her own, she shuddered and shoved Naruto away. "I feel like I need a long shower now," she grouched. Fixing Naruto with an inquisitive stare, she asked, "Mind telling me why you think Kirigakure needs money, aside from the obvious fact that they're a ninja village?"

"They had a civil war and lost a lot of prospective customers. It ended a while back, but they're still in rough shape. Right now, any mission that offers money is good enough for them," Naruto answered.

"That sucks."

"Yep."

"What do we do now?"

"We should go back-"

The demon container was cut off as a scuffle broke out near one of the dilapidated buildings. An old man – who else – was shoved to the ground by a burly one. With a snarl, the burly man growled, "We warned you, old man. Leave us be and nothing bad will happen. The last time we let you off with a warning. I think breaking your fingers will teach you to keep your hands to yourself."

"I just needed some food! My wife and grandchildren are starving! Please, let us have a bit of what you have in your storage!" the old man begged, gazing fearfully at the burly man towering above him.

While Naruto might've been a bit cold for looking at the scene in such a way, it did seem a bit cliché to him. In fact, he could quite easily recall a similar scene in one of his godfather's books, only the genders and ages of the two were different.

The end result was also several times more awesome. There was nothing awesome about watching what was unfolding in front of him.

Apparently, Ino had had enough. To the people observing the exchange, Ino appeared out of thin air like a ghost, drop-kicking the burly man in the head and sending him flying into the nearby wall of the dilapidated building behind him.

Naruto ended his technique and whistled cheerfully. "Nice Dynamic Entry there. I'm sure someone back in Konoha would be impressed."

Ino glared at the burly man's comrades as she rose from the ground. Numerous as they were, the Yamanaka's forehead protector gleamed ominously in the light, and let them all know that they were dealing with a trained, lethal ninja.

Usage of the Transparency Technique could also make certain objects – such as Ino's forehead protector – more prominent.

"Ninja?" one of the men cried. "How'd you figure out what was happening over here? Nothing should've been able to get past the boss!"

Most of the populace – the ones who were indigenous to the land – were gazing curiously at the newcomers. Much to Naruto's irritation, none of them had anything resembling hope or relief in their eyes.

Gato really had done a number on these people.

Ino stuck out her arm and pointed at the burly men in front of her. "We're from Konohagakure no Sato, and we're here to kick you idiots out!" she yelled.

"Are you?" a soft voice whispered.

At first, Naruto thought it was his imagination. He could tell, however, that there was another ninja in the vicinity, and that it was this ninja who had voiced an objection to Ino's words.

"Oh boy," Naruto muttered. His temporary teammate jumped back as metal needles impacted the ground in front of her, clearly demonstrating that the mystery ninja had an eye on them. "Might not have been a good idea not to provoke anyone..."

The kunoichi glanced around, trying to catch a glimpse of her opponent. Nothing obvious immediately presented itself. "Naruto, back me up here," Ino murmured.

When the needles were thrown again, Naruto batted them aside with a kunai. Glancing at the scattered weapons, he noticed that one of them was beginning to melt and turn into liquid.

"Hang on. Let me try diplomacy," he replied. Then, he shouted out, "Oi! I know you Kiri-nin are there! I know why you accepted this mission! However, I _am_ Konoha's resident jinchuriki, and attacking me will more likely than not be treated as a provocative action!"

Silence met his outburst. A few of the burly men were exchanging confused glances and the civilians in general were bewildered. Ino mirrored them.

A ninja wearing a strange set of flamboyant, light blue clothes landed in front of them. His dark brown hair fluttered slightly in the wind, and he fixed Naruto with an odd stare. "Is that true? Are you really Konoha's jinchuriki?"

"Don't remember me, Utakata? I'm wounded," Naruto said with a tight grin. "Haku's with you too, right? Is Zabuza skulking around somewhere?"

**VvVvV**

(Tazuna's Home)

"We're pretty fortunate that you knew these ninja," Hanabi said, gesturing over to Utakata and the hunter-nin known as Haku.

Utakata was sitting with Hanabi and Naruto, whereas Haku was being pestered by Ino. She wanted to know what kind of hair products he was using to keep his hair so sleek and shiny. The embarrassed hunter-nin repeatedly insisted that he wasn't using any, but Ino wasn't fooled.

She _knew_ when hair products were being used.

When it became clear that Utakata, Haku, and Naruto all shared some sort of relationship from years past, they agreed to stop whatever fight was brewing and head to Tazuna's home to clear the air.

"To be honest, it's been years since we last saw Naruto," Utakata stated. "I'm surprised he recognizes us. We only remember him because of how helpful Jiraiya-sama ended up being, and how often he would speak of his apprentice."

"What, you think I'd forget a fellow jinchuriki? We're practically brothers! We even have seals on our bodies to prove it!"

"I'm not that proficient in the Sealing Arts," Utakata admitted.

"Who cares? We both have a Tailed Beast inside of our gut. Similar issues and what-not."

"I'm surprised you aren't carrying out your mission," Hanabi interrupted. The Kiri-nin had already been informed that Hanabi knew what a jinchuriki was.

Ino had remained curious and had asked what one was right before she noticed how _pretty_ Haku was.

"Gato told us to watch for any hints of an uprising. I wouldn't have been surprised if he asked us to kill the bridge builder he was constantly whining about," the brown-haired jinchuriki said. Shrugging, the Kiri-nin added, "He offered a pretty damn high price, and our village needs the money."

"Did you manage to see if there was a young boy with him? The bridge builder's daughter had her son taken as a hostage so he wouldn't continue working on that monstrosity outside," Naruto inquired.

Utakata's pinched expression made his feelings clear on the matter of working with someone who had willingly abducted a child. "Unfortunately not. Haku and I meet with Gato in a cave hidden in the forest near this house. That's where he told us what to do, as per our contract." Utakata grinned. "I'm sure any agreement between us is pretty much broken now, though."

"Good riddance," Tazuna grouched, ambling over to the three ninja. "I can't say how glad I am that you're not going to kill me. Seems like this place's luck is beginning to go up, eh?"

"Killing Gato would be an easy thing to accomplish, but the amount of money he has can help. I'm willing to bet that we could strike a deal with him that benefits both this place and Kirigakure," Utakata commented.

Tazuna coughed. "My daughter, and most of the townspeople won't like that idea."

The Rokubi jinchuriki blinked, and then grimaced. "Right, I forgot just how Gato managed to control you all." Sighing, he said, "I guess we're going to have to kill him. How fun and unique."

"The Land of Waves can strike your village a deal if you help us with this problem of ours," the bridge builder offered. "I'm sure that will be more agreeable to the town as well as to my daughter."

"Where _is_ Tsunami-san, by the way? I thought she would've been happy that your life's not in any imminent danger anymore," Naruto asked.

"Tsunami-chan needed a break from all of this. She's taking a bath, I think. Ninja aren't exactly- Hey! Where ya going?"

"I need to check up on something real quick," Naruto replied. "I was supposed to send a messenger toad should this mission be anything different than what was assigned. Standard procedure for when surprises come up, such as our friends from the Hidden Mist here."

Utakata inclined his head. Tazuna shrugged and went back to drafting up preliminary agreements between his home and Utakata's as Naruto left the room, hiding a secretive grin from everyone around him.

The bathroom Tsunami was in was upstairs and that was where Naruto headed. Taking long baths was a luxury that the town couldn't afford very often, at least until Gato was deposed. Stress had to be relieved somehow, and Naruto wasn't going to miss this chance.

There were no hot springs in Wave and most women were much too depressed to put much... effort... in bathing themselves.

He found the bathroom easily enough, and the sound of running water didn't escape his notice. Weaving one of his special illusions around his body, Naruto planted a peeping seal on the wall before taking out a notepad and pencil.

The woman inside had a white robe wrapped loosely around her body, tantalizingly showing off bits of smooth, creamy flesh. She was bent over, checking the temperature of the water inside the tub.

Although the robe prevented Naruto from viewing anything more of her behind, – and oh how he wanted to do so – an idea came to him, and the blond began to rapidly scratch away into his notepad.

Or, he would've had he not noticed how mechanical and stiff the woman's movements were. The stress of Gato's takeover, her second husband's death, and her son's hostage situation was obviously taking its toll.

"Man, what a killer," Naruto muttered, chewing on the end of his pencil. Truly, Tsunami was exactly like the other women: she wasn't going to put forth much _effort_ at all. Naruto really shouldn't have expected anything different; not that he blamed her, of course.

Sighing to himself, Naruto watched as the woman made to leave the bathroom – presumably to retrieve a bar of soap or something along those lines – before coming to a decision. Hopefully his judgment wouldn't bite him in the ass this time around.

"Tsunami-san?"

She didn't _quite_ whip around fast enough for the bottom of her robe to flutter, much to Naruto's disappointment. "You... you're Naruto, right? Why were you waiting outside the bathroom? You weren't thinking about doing anything in appropriate, were you?" She gave him a motherly, disapproving scowl.

Naruto successfully prevented himself from wincing. "Ah, no, but your dad said that you were stressed out. I just came up here to make sure that you're all right. I know how having these extra ninja in your house may be overwhelming to you."

Tsunami blinked and gave the blond a warm, yet tired smile. "There's no need to worry about me. Worry about yourself, Naruto-kun. I understand ninja regularly risk their lives," she said.

"I don't think we have much to fear from Gato," Naruto replied, returning the woman's smile. "Really though, are you sure you're okay? It's all right to relax and burn off some stress. I promised to rescue your son and believe me, I will."

Sighing lowly, Tsunami said, "How can I relax when that tyrant is out there, destroying everything this town has worked for? How can I get rid of my stress when my son is held captive? How...?" Her expression turned despondent. "I'm glad you and your friends have promised to help me, but I can't rest until my son is back in my arms. If anything were to happen-"

"Nothing's going to happen," Naruto gently interjected. "While Gato may be a despicable man, he has to be intelligent to realize how much your son means to you and Tazuna. If something bad were to happen to him, then he would lose that advantage. The only reason he's holding you and your father in check is because of your son."

Tsunami stared at him for a moment, tired eyes scanning his body before she slowly exhaled. "I hope you're right, Naruto-kun."

"What Gato's done is terrible and I – as well as my friends – plan to... rectify... his judgment. I hate suffering and I especially hate seeing a pretty woman like you act this way. One of my goals in life is to create some sort of lasting peace between the ninja villages and the nations in general, and Gato isn't doing me any favors."

The blond's statement hung in the air. Tsunami was staring at him with visible surprise. Then she gave him a mildly reproving tilt of her head and said, "Are you sure you don't want a more ordinary goal? Such as becoming a better ninja, or perhaps something else?"

"One of my other goals is to be Hokage, but I'm sure I can complete them at around the same time," Naruto cheekily replied.

"I hope you're successful," she quietly murmured.

"So do I."

Moving past the blond, Tsunami opened a cupboard and retrieved a small bottle. "I must say that I'm glad you were concerned for me, Naruto-kun. Although I won't be completely reassured until my son is here, I appreciate your help."

"Who wouldn't want to help a mother who's missing her son?"

Right before she reentered the bathroom, Tsunami turned to the teenager and chuckled slightly. "You're not very subtle for a ninja, are you? That book and your words, while inspiring, don't lend you any excuses," she remarked.

Naruto cocked his head in confusion.

"Oh, don't give me that look, mister," she scolded. "I'm a mother first and foremost. Spotting guilty _children_ is one of my jobs. I'm flattered that you think someone like me pretty, but please don't do anything resembling poor or inappropriate behavior."

She peered sternly at the seal that was adhered to her house wall.

"I wasn't doing anything like that," the blond replied, sheepishly rubbing his head. "I was giving a compliment where it was due, Tsunami-san."

"The title on your notepad proves otherwise," the woman chided. "I've seen more than a few men read the Icha Icha series in public."

Predictably, Naruto's eyes slid to his notepad.

Tsunami giggled at his mortification and entered for her bath, locking the door behind her. The blond teenager almost missed her next words. When he heard them, he immediately went back to gazing inside with the special peeping seal.

He was granted a view of Tsunami dropping her robe, revealing the supple body she had hidden. Her chest was modest, though it had nothing on Tsunade's. Her rear, however, enticed Naruto greatly.

The fact that she was purposely sticking her posterior out completely missed Naruto's notice.

Instead, he felt that he was very fortunate to have ended up with a front-row seat to Tsunami bathing herself, with the winking candles she had placed around the tub only accentuating the scene.

She might not have thought herself as attractive, yet right before Naruto's eyes was unmistakable proof to the contrary. Though not a ninja, the civilian had a special allure of her own, and the teenager watching her was captivated.

Finally, inspiration struck, and not for the first time was he grateful for his abilities, both his own and not.

_Never would've that a woman like her would trim down there,_ he thoughtfully mused.

As Tsunami sank into the water, she peered at the area where she had seen that odd marking the teenager had presumably placed. Naruto, being coincidentally occupied with jotting down some notes, didn't catch her stare.

**VvVvV**

"You sure your info is correct?"

"Y-Yes! Of course it's correct! You think anyone would simply decline that amount of money?" He scoffed. "Now, about the sum we agreed on...?"

"We are not the accountants of the organization's funding. Another one of our members is the treasurer, though you will be hard-pressed to make him part with it."

"But..."

"Don't worry, short guy! We already negotiated a contract and everything. I'm sure Kakuzu will pay ya when the time comes. Besides, at least you won't have to give your cash to... what's his face?"

"Utakata, container of the Rokubi."

"Ah, right. You won't have to pay him, I get my fight, and my buddy here gets to relax a bit. Maybe buy a bit of candy if they still have some." He chuckled jovially.

One of the ronin standing dutifully behind Gato leaned in towards his friend and said, "I don't know why these ninja don't speak each other's names. I mean, come on. Everyone here knows who they are. Are they trying to build some sort of suspense or something?"

"Yes, we are. Our organization does try to be subtle at times." He couldn't remember many times when the organization was subtle, actually, bar the random missions they took that didn't involve jinchuriki.

Then again, with the power a jinchuriki could wield, it was going to be damnably difficult for the ensuing battle to be easy and quiet.

"Here we are," Gato said, taking out a map. "That house on the outskirts is where the demon container is staying, the traitorous bastard. Some Konoha ninja are here too, according to my men. If you can take care of them and that bridge builder, I'll give you twenty-five percent back of what you're paying me."

"We are only here for the jinchuriki. The others are not our responsibility at this point in time. Perhaps later," he said.

Kisame gleefully rubbed his hands together. "I hope he doesn't go down with a fight. No offense, Itachi, but after training with you for so long, I've gotten bored of your tricks. Not enough blood and gore if you ask me."

"None taken," Itachi replied.

Gato and his samurai guards shifted uncomfortably.

* * *

**I rewrote this a few times, trying to get a feel for it. I admittedly wanted an arc in Konoha, but Yakumo isn't something I want to do just yet and there has to be a Wave Arc – or at least a reference to one – in every Naruto story.**

**Itachi and Kisame aren't done yet. Sendicard left a pretty helpful set of reviews, so I'll be having Naruto do a bit of character expansion (such as motivations).**

**Ino would definitely be the best gossiper in existence. Who needs to snoop for bits of information when you can take it out of the person's mind?**

**Anyway, read, review, and let me know what you think.**


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